Boyfriend Groped Me While Sleeping

[Seraphim]

I don't think he's being a hypocrite here. Wanting to wait until marriage does not mean no sexual contact at all.

 

Also, I think there is a big difference between being touched sexually by the man you are in a relationship with versus by a stranger.

 

Um yes.

 

I think he should have not touched you if you did not want him to, but I also think if you want no sexuality in this relationship, that should mean NO turning each other on in ANY capactiy. NO sleeping in the same bed, NO showers together, NO kissing, no touching. Nothing. I can see why you would be upset. Saying that though did you not intiate showers together so you could encourage him to be more clean? One can not yank sexuality around like a tool and say we can now because I think it is a good idea and now I do not think it is a good idea, but lets sleep in the same bed ok?

[fLuiD]

I think he is simply picking a bad time to do this groping. If you stayed awake all night in bed, Im sure he would grope you in an attempt to satisfy a bit of the horniness. I can get extremely aroused with just laying next to my partner and have groped my girlfriend while asleep as a sort of request to have a little intimacy. Many times she reciprocated, other times she would roll over, kiss me and say 'Not tonight baby' and I knew to stop. I think this is just his way to initiate something but unfortunately his urges come when you are asleep. I dont think he specifically waits for you to fall asleep to come and prey on you.

[karvala]

Ok though MOST partners do some groping of their loved one while sleeping.

 

Is that really true? I can honestly say it's not something I've ever done, and nor is it something I'd expect most people to do. As far as I can see, it amounts to sexual activity without specific consent.

[agent1607307371]

You have had endless problems with this guy..his lying, cover ups, disrespect. He doesn't have a phone and a computer so you can only get in touch with him at Church. Just because someone professess to be religious doesn't mean they are fine upstanding individuals. There are many snakes who hide behind religion. This guy groping you while you are sleeping is revolting. He made the rules of no sex so that he could portray himself as a good Christian...but good Christians do not grope people while they are sleeping. I think with all the issues he has this should be the last straw for you. He is downright creepy.

 

 

This.

 

When you tell him not to touch you while you are not aware, and he does it anyway, that is a MASSIVE flag.

 

Sorry to everyone who thinks that men have so little control that this should be expected.

 

A touch is one thing, masturbating a partner you think is a whole other. V. messed up.

[JonasWaingaro]

Is that really true? I can honestly say it's not something I've ever done, and nor is it something I'd expect most people to do. As far as I can see, it amounts to sexual activity without specific consent.

 

This is what I was thinking as well. I'm lil' surprised about the 'implied consent' in this context.

[orchidrose]

Is that really true? I can honestly say it's not something I've ever done, and nor is it something I'd expect most people to do. As far as I can see, it amounts to sexual activity without specific consent.

 

I've experienced it in all of my relationships, and I had no problem with it.

 

To me, there was implicit consent; if I'm sharing my bed with someone, if I have sex with them and/or engage in sexual activity with them, then it seems fairly reasonable. Of course, if I didn't like it for some reason, I would express that to my partner.

 

WW, I agree with others that I think you are overreacting, but if it upsets you, then I'm sorry. I still have no clue as to why you're with this guy, given the laundry list of faults that you've ascribed to him, real or unreal.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think the problem is simply...

a) his extreme rules for no sexual contact are backfiring on him and he's acting a fool

b) I really think the OP is way too conflicted about this relationship to really have a rational sense of his behaviors.

[FarthestEdge]

Oh CAD, don't misunderstand me, he's not in the clear here. He ignored their agreement. Personally, it sounds like 2 sexually repressed individuals who want to *pretend* to be abstinent, but who are both courting the monster...

 

Plus- since when is caressing your girlfriends breast 'sex'? I might be sexual, it's called 'petting'...but when the OP lies there pretending to be asleep, she too is playing the "we're not being sexual', really we're not..." game of denial.

 

Frankly this whole thing sounds like a big drama for the sake of drama. IMO calling that 'rape' does a disservice to women everywhere who have truly suffered the lasting trauma of rape. It's an exaggeration to the extreme, and anyone with a lick of common sense could have told her this would happen.

 

Yes, he disrespected their agreement, but given the OP's penchant for the dramatic, I'm not sure if we're taking about gentle caresses, or attempts at penetration. He's her boyfriend...he's not allowed to touch her at all? Her body, her choice, but WHY in the name of all that is holy, would she lie next to him, possibly caress him in her sleep as well, grind her butt against his groin while cuddling, and yet cry 'rape' because he caressed her?

 

C'mon.

[Cognitive_Canine]

This is pretty much everything I was going to say.

[orchidrose]

Exactly. Especially agreed on the "rape" issue.

[Seraphim]

Well I have never told my husband he needed explicit permission to touch me. To me it would feel like a weird creepy begging scenario.....also too where is spontaneity? If it is spontaneous and you snap.......learn to ask you sicko...that is kinda........I know I would not touch that person again even if they begged me. If you make a conscious discussion while awake that this is the agreement, then ok.

[Seraphim]

Yup rape is pretty far fetched in this instance.

[doiiiieeezie]

You said it better than I could... and I find it kind of disturbing that this is under abuse/violence when there are many who have experienced much worse.

 

OP, if you don't want to be with him, just break up with him. Don't make it into a bigger drama than it should be.

[Seraphim]

Do not get me wrong I do feel he disrespected her wishes, and disrespected their relationship as they discussed it, but rape? I do not think so.

[FarthestEdge]

Is that really true? I can honestly say it's not something I've ever done, and nor is it something I'd expect most people to do. As far as I can see, it amounts to sexual activity without specific consent.

 

uh yeah. Personally, I don't EVER remember having to outline a contract of when and what touching is ok. Call me old fashioned, but IMO part of a romantic relationship INCLUDES intimacy. How does one initate if they are not allowed to touch your body without your explicit consent.

 

In my relationship, consent is implied until expressly stated otherwise, as in "Not tonight honey". Man, DH and I have woken up to find ourselves in the act...Who's guilty of rape then?

 

Uugh. Keeping things hot long term is hard enough without these rules:

 

DH: Honey, would it offend you if I caressed your backside

FE: Why no dear, would you mind if I reciprocated by grinding my butt against your slacks?

DH: Please, be my guest. Oh, would you object to my sliding my hand around front and down, and perhaps squeeze your inner thigh?

FE: Oh that would be lovely...

 

yeah, that's hot

 

Gawd- I am SO glad to be an old married chick sometimes...You guys make things WAAAAY too complicated.

[Seraphim]

I got your back there....like I said....really creepster begging scenerio.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am sorry but I totally disagree with this whole notion that lying next to someone is an agreement that they are allowed to grope you when you are sleeping. In our over-sexed society people take extreme liberties with their "right to have sex" and assume that if you allow one thing that means you allow everything, no questions asked. These two people have agreed not to have sex...if groping was okay why would he wait until he thinks she is asleep before doing it. Of course he knows what he is doing is wrong. Why she didn't bolt out of bed the minute she knew what was going on is a separate issue...I agree I don't really understand that if she was that upset. However I think this whole notion that men can't control themselves is totally ridiculous..of course they can....if they are that horny while being in bed with someone then they can choose to get out of bed, take care of their business solo, take a cold shower and sleep on the sofa. Perhaps some women may not mind being fondled in their sleep by their partner, but that doesn't mean it is a given that every woman finds that acceptable. People have their own space boundaries and that needs to be discussed. Just like it is not a given that a man or a woman must accept doing oral sex when in a relationship, it is also not a given that a woman has to accept being fondled in her sleep.

[Taikero]

Oh seriously, you're exaggerating here. You can figure out your partner's wishes on this sort of thing in casual conversation WELL before you try to initiate anything, and of course it can be assumed that once initial permission is granted, it's okay from there on out.

 

As for "really creepster begging scenerio", what isn't creepy about someone fondling you in your sleep without your permission at some point (and especially an agreement to avoid sexual activity), ESPECIALLY if you've never had sex with them and kept sexual contact to a minimum?

[Seraphim]

Well I have my view point. I still think though people who want to limit sexuality should not be sleeping together or having showers washing each other.

[Sanesoul]

THe issue here is him doing it while you were sleeping after you told him your wishes. That is not ok.

 

Simple as that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well I have my view point. I still think though people who want to limit sexuality should not be sleeping together or having showers washing each other.

 

The issue here is that he did the fondling only when he assumed she was asleep..therefore unconscious. This is an issue of ethics. Unconscious people can't make decisions so he chose to do it when he figured she couldn't make a decision.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Oh for crying out loud.

 

Ok DubyaDubya, here is where I am on your side:

 

- I understand that you are both sadistically withholding sex from each other in order to maximise the spiritual gains that will come from the horrid disappointment of the wedding night. And I get that. As a formerly repressed gay teen growing up terrified of my sexuality, avoiding sex until the last possible moment seemed like a terrific idea.

 

- If some dude that I disliked as much as you dislike your fiancé was helping himself to my junk in the middle of my sleep, I would be pissed too.

 

But of course, I just don't share my bed with (let alone get engaged to) dudes I don't like. To put it simply, if you don't like the idea of the dude you are sharing your bed with touching you, you just... don't share your bed with him.

 

When my partner gropes me in the middle of the night, there are two scenarios. (a) I roll over and give him one, or (b) I bark at him to leave me alone and fall back asleep (I am a grumpy sleeper). Option © --laying there in silence and cold sweat like an anxiety-ridden rabbit and waiting for the next day to sulk and cry rape on an internet forum-- never stroke me as a very mature or rational option.

 

From your posts I get the general impression that you are slowly giving up on your sense of responsibility over yourself and your own life. Getting your pastor and your church involved in your relationship, turning your relationship into your own reverse version of My Fair Lady because giving your boyfriend a personality makeover is somehow less daunting than really facing up to the fact that you just don't like him* and you are just going to have to be single instead...

 

And now you appear to have given up your responsibility to take care of yourself and utter a big fat STOP when you object to something being done to you.

 

Just... Look, if you take ONE and ONLY ONE piece of advice from anything I have written now or in the past, let it please be this: stop giving up responsibility over yourself. Woman up. Seriously. You are not a little girl. The time for whining and moaning and making questionable choices that make you unhappy the moment you make them should have been over yesterday.

 

 

 

* not that I blame you for not liking him; he sounds very yucky. But then again, he makes you laugh so I guess that's ok.

[FarthestEdge]

Look, if you don't want any sexual activity of any kind with your boyfriend, then here's a thought...STOP SHOWERING AND SLEEPING WITH HIM!

 

She is sending VERY mixed messages. When she continues to 'pretend' to be asleep, when she shares a bed with him, when she invites him to shower with her?!?!

 

Seriously. This isn't about what 'people' do. This is about what 'couples' do. If they are being a 'couple' romantically, then he is going to try to initate something from time to time. If she isn't interested, then she should say so, not 'pretend' to sleep and permit him to continue. And certainly not to cry 'rape' afterwards.

 

We still don't really know what he did. Did he simply caress her body, on top of her clothes? That's 'minimal' sexual contact IMO.

 

I'm not defending the guy. I am saying she is being highly dramatic and unrealistic. She's baiting him and then getting angry when he takes the bait. She has to assume some personal responsibility for her choices here.

 

When I was 15 years old, I knew I had the right to say "no"...but I also know that actually involves opening my mouth, not lying there pretending to sleep (and yes, I had this exact thing happen with a boy I crashed in a bed with). So when I chose to NOT say anything, I implied consent. So the guy felt my boobs...I wasn't raped.

 

The OP is an adult. She needs to stop playing teenaged games and decide if his character is the kind of guy she wants a relationship, not set him up to be her punching bag.

[Seraphim]

The issue here is that he did the fondling only when he assumed she was asleep..therefore unconscious. This is an issue of ethics. Unconscious people can't make decisions so he chose to do it when he figured she couldn't make a decision.

 

Then why didn't she say, " hey creepster stop touching me we made an arrangement pee off" You don't lay there and let them continue.

[Seraphim]

Exactly. .....