Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[annie24]

link removed

 

I keep going back to this article. Every month you stay with a man who doesn't love you, you're investing in a risky stock...

[Fudgie]

I tend to agree. He knows you love him, he knows it's important to you that he feels the same and that he says it.... so why does he say it? I think his work excuse is BS. It's one thing if he says "I'm not ready yet, I move slow" but he's not. He's stalling by saying "Oh well I need to get a job first and then see how I feel."

[annie24]

ugh. i'm going to have to make some choice soon.... either i just break it off now. or if he really thinks that we can salvage this and he can turn things around, then give him a month or two to show me the effort. finding a job (or two if necessary). cutting back on the pot (from once a day to just the weekends?). trying to get some therapy, if at all possible. i don't know if he could come to couples therapy with me under my insurance?? ugh. i don't know if he'd be willing to make these changes....

[penelope13]

you don't need couples therapy. he is the one who needs some personal growth

[faraday]

I dated a guy...and we needed couples counselling less than a year in...and the counsellor just flat out told us to break up...it should be easy in the beginning. I mean...this is the honeymoon faze, Annie...it shouldn't be this hard. What is it going to be like in a year...or 10...or 30?

[annie24]

That is very true.

 

I remember last month when Logan and I had that argument where he kept talking about his ex - I asked him to please stop because it was really hurting me and making me feel like he loved her more than me. After we made up, he said he was scared that I would break up with him and he said, "I thought we were happy...." Well, I mean, we are happy, we have many happy moments together.... but I'm not really happy when these doubts keep creeping in my head. And it doesn't help when he says flat out he doesn't love me.... (yet???) He has stopped talking about his exes, which I appreciate... but still....

[annie24]

HUGS. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to write to me. I would give you all "thanks" except that I guess I can't in a journal post. This thing with Logan, in many ways, is pretty new to me, because I tend to just get dumped (or the guy disappears). I've not really been in a position where things are overall good in the relationship (In the NOW) but there are significant issues that can crop up in the future. sigh.

 

I just turned in an application to a company. I just sat here busting that out. I'm actually a day late with the deadline, I've been too horribly upset to work on it the past few days. I just did it, I figured that the worst they can do is reject me, which is fine. At least I wrote something up, and I can modify this application now for other jobs. There are several job fairs/resume writing events coming up in my area soon, so I will attend those.

[Silverbirch]

I hope your weekend went okay for you Annie and good luck with the job searching.

[BellaDonna]

Sorry things are not going well with Logan. I think you should tell him how you feel- that you are having doubts about the relationship. When he's talked about his exes has he ever indicated how long it took him to "love" his exes? I'm just wondering if this is a normal thing for him or if he is holding back on you.

[annie24]

So.... Logan and I had a long talk on the phone tonight. I basically told him everything and laid out how I feel. I told him I was very concerned when he told me he's not "head over heels" for me, which makes me wonder if he isn't by now, would he ever be. He agreed, he said he understood my concerns, and he too, is wondering if it's going to happen. He said as of now, he thinks it's related to his job situation, as in he doesn't feel like he can be more invested until he gets a job and his finances on track. I told him that to some degree, I think that is BS, because feelings can develop anyway. He insists at this point, that while he is unsure, he wouldn't stay with me if he didn't see a potential future with me, and thinks I should give him some more time.

 

I told him also that his unemployed/pot/DUI situation are not good, and overall, in this state, I would not have children with him. He agreed. I said I don't normally want to "change" a man, but that these are things he has to change if I am to stay with him (or really, any woman). I told him I've dealt with a lot here and don't feel like most other woman would have put up with this. He's given me a bunch of excuses about why he can't take this job or that job, and it's very frustrating to me - i basically told him he's being too pessimistic and that he needs to be spending 8 hours a day looking for a job, not smoking pot daily. I told him he's self-medicating. He argues that how much he spends on pot in one month is how much some other people may spend in one night of drinking. He also says once he has a job and has things to occupy his time, he won't do it as often because he will have other things to do.

 

In short, I think there are some things we just don't see eye-to-eye on. I told him he has to play up his "transferrable skills" on his resume, he tells me that's basically lying and BSing. I'm like, well, it's just the way things are, you have to do it. He says he is going to start working this month and has basically decided on which job he will take (the commission based insurance job). I say that's fine, as long as you take something, and work hard at it. I told him I knew he could do this, because he was Magna cum Laude in college and has a masters degree, so I know he can do this, if he wants to.

 

He does want to stay together, but yes, now he said he is worried because I am worried that are feelings aren't at the same level. I said I think that I should start scaling back on my feelings. He says he understands, I have a biological clock... and I told him it's not my biological clock, I don't have a strong desire to have children. I would if my husband wanted kids, but I told Logan, as he is, he's in no shape to be a father, and he agrees. He said he feels better knowing it's not my bio clock that's ticking loudly, and I said no, but still, if he wants to be with me, for real, he has to get his act together quickly because I'm 34 and this would have to happen soon.

 

I told him about my mixed feelings about going to the wedding. If I go, it's kind of awkward for me because I don't think he places the importance of me being his date as much as I do. He said if I don't go, my absence will be very noticed, and his family will go up to him and say, "What did you do???!!!" Of course, I told him!! If I didn't go, I think everyone would know why. I told him if I do go, it stings a lot that he's told me that he's not head over heels, and I might feel upset. He said he doesn't want the same thing to happen that happened last month (when Logan and I had a fight right before we went to the restaurant to meet his friends, and they could obviously tell I was upset and it was awkward all around).

 

So, yeah, I told him I think I have to scale back my feelings, he said that I should do what i need to do, but he basically indicated (and I don't remember the words), but that he doesn't want to scale back the physicality. (well, of course not). I can't say that our conversations have made me feel particularly inspired to get naked with him.

 

Sigh.... well, i pretty much laid everything out there. I guess we don't have to make a decision today, but we can just see what happens in the next month or two. He says that his feelings might grow once he gets a job and feels better about himself (as a boyfriend and a provider). I insisted that pot gets in the way of feelings, but he disagrees with me there. So... I guess we will see. hm.

[Fudgie]

I'm really sorry that you're going through with this, but I have to say, his responses aren't exactly inspiring. "Do what you have to do on scaling back on your feelings but I don't want to scale back on the physicality. (gist of what he said)" ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

 

A man who truly cares about you (I am talking head over heels, emotionally invested, you know?) would be very sad and dismayed at the idea of you being unhappy and wanting to "scale back on your feelings". He would see your hurt and want to reassure you and the correct the problems that are making you emotionally withdraw. Because he'd be into you and he would want you into him and happy too, not pulling away.

 

He would NOT be saying "Well, do what you have to do but let's still sleep together."

 

No. No. No.

 

I'm sorry I just had to say that.

[hers]

So after all that, he still wants to get laid.

 

Annie. Open. Eyes.

[luminousone]

Hugs, Annie

[annie24]

Well, I don't think it's just about getting laid - he also likes our conversations, we get along well, we have fun together, etc... I do have my eyes open here (and I know that I would be saying all of this to someone else who was posting here). It is hard. Because there's that emotion there. I think that the relationship is overall, fun and easy and convienient for him. I'm not feeling great about things right now. But i'm not 100% sure it's time to end it either... Maybe in a month or two, if things haven't turned around... I will have to pull the plug. I know you guys must think I'm dumb, and maybe I am. I also know he's depressed right now.

 

I had a nice talk with Penelope this weekend, the gist of that conversation was that maybe this relationship was "for a season" but not for the long term. She said many other things too.

 

It's hard because we also talked about his future career plans, says that he's thought about teaching abroad but doesn't want to move because of me, unless I wanted to come with him. I said that could be an option, because I can find work anywhere, and it's always been a dream of mine to move abroad for a few years.

 

So I don't think it's all about the sex, but really all that goes in with a relationship (sex, cuddling, watching movies together, taking walks in the park). He really likes being in a relationship and all the perks it brings, but it's a matter of figuring out if this is the right match. I've been patient for a while because I have many friends who have been unemployed for stretches of time, so I didn't want to just dump a guy for not having a job... but 6 months is getting out of control, especially when he's not looking 8 hours a day.... he says he will have something soon, so we will se...

[Fudgie]

Okey dokey I am going to break this down further.

 

The work excuse in regards to feelings is BS and you know that.

 

Marijuana: "Well, other people spend more $$ out at the bar during the weekends than I do on my marijuana!" Irrelevant, and you know that, since his issue is self-medication and motivation to look for jobs.

"I'll do it less when I have other things to do" Shows that he has an inability (or lack of desire) to stop his habit unless an external force compels him to do so (ie job)

 

Work: "It's lying to play up my skills on my resume." Oh c'mon!! He went to college! He has gone to job fairs!

 

Feelings: "It's your biological clock." After all of the other issues you mentioned, you talk about wanting to scale back your feelings and he blames it on your clock so you have to correct him? I find it completely invalidating. You are unhappy for reasons that you have just specified to him and he thinks its your clock? He has been with you for many months, he should know better.

 

Wedding: "What will my family think? I don't want things to be awkward." You have presented reasons for why you may not want to go to the wedding, like how he isn't head over heels for you, you are feeling uncomfortable in the relationship, and what's his response "Well everyone will be wondering what I did wrong!". It drives me nuts that he is thinking more about what his family/friends will think more than what YOU think about going to this event.

 

The physicality thing, UGH.

 

"I might grow feelings once I get a job and feel better about myself."

 

Self esteem or place in life does not dictate feelings. People with low self esteem fall in love all the time, we see it here. Poor people fall in love. Unemployed people fall in love.

 

 

 

You deserve so much more.

 

And I agree with you, it's not all about the sex. I think he likes being in a relationship with you, obviously, that's more than sex. It's about being a couple, doing couple-y things.

[annie24]

He did say it upset him to know that I was upset. I guess his answer to "correcting the problem" is getting a job and feeling better about his financial situation, so he can feel like the man/provider again. But I completely understand what you are saying, and I think we are all in agreement that he is not "head over heels" with me, so really my situation now is just trying to detach from him emotionally, trying to see him more objectively, and then maybe breaking up in a month or two if things haven't made progress (both job and emotion-wise).

[annie24]

I totally hear you Fudgie. My friend Carol who has met him (and told me yesterday she was not a big fan of his) said I should try to stick it out, just for a little longer, if for no other reason than for my piece of mind so when I do break it off, i'll know i did everything i could. She said, "haven't you wished that someone would give you a chance, really warn you before breaking up with you?" I said yes. I talked to my cousin too, she also called his words "rather uninspiring." (funny how I've seen that phrase here over and over again). But then says that men say a bunch of stupid stuff, especially when they are depressed that causes them to be more mean than usual, and to focus on how he treats me. In general, he treats me very well, never has a harsh word to say to me, is very lovey dovey, etc...

[annie24]

So after all that, he still wants to get laid.

 

Annie. Open. Eyes.

 

well, yes. But i remember when you were about to get married and were having problems with your husband, people were telling you the same thing. I know you hung in there against the advice, and now you guys seem to have really worked through your problems and made a solid marriage. Now, I'm not saying that the same thing will happen with Logan and I - maybe these are our last few months together? Maybe I'll snap at him tomorrow?? Maybe he'll get his act together? I told him i'm not going to limit my job search to this immediate area. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't have to make the decision tonight, and that's what i told him too. It's not like I have a job offer in California, and I need to tell them this week whether I accept it or not, and then I'd have to make an immediate decision. But I will start applying farther away... and even if I take a position in this area, it won't mean I will stay with him.

[itsallgrand]

Like you said Annie, it's about finding out if this is a match. Longer term. I'm sorry you are hurting. It sucks to care about someone and things don't work out as you like. No matter our age, no matter how many times we may have dealt with it in the past or in our lives in general, it is just a sucky thing.

 

However, you have already mentioned how you never believed in changing a man nor needing to in order to be with him. And you are finding yourself needing him to change for this to go forward. So I think you already know. You just need your time to come to terms. Process. Come to a final decision. And that is ok.

 

for myself, I have known it wasn't going to work when I found myself thinking those things "I need him to change this..that...I need him to be this...that." Sometimes it literally had to come out of my mouth for me to see it. But the truth of it holds and I know it.

 

Another thing is, if someone truly isn't ready nor looking for something longer term and more serious, then it can be hard for them to totally empathize with someone who is. They can be careless, even cruel about it, because their head just isn't there the way someone who is serious is. Someone close to me has given me a great perspective and front view into how someones mind can work like that; it's not that they are trying to hurt, but they do, because they are operating from such a casual standpoint.

 

And I think, collectively, the actions and choices of this man have given a good indication of someone who is running rather casually right now. Taking it as it comes, and as it goes.

 

You on the other hand, seem ready and proactively working for that relationship where you could spend a lifetime together.

[annie24]

And i understand why you all are frustrated with me, and I would be too if i were advising another poster. maybe for my own peace of mind I just have to do this, go to the wedding, see how he is in his job, and then make a decision on whether to leave or give him some more time. I also don't like that he's not like, 'well what can I do to make you feel more comfortable?' well, i guess that's not true - he insists he wouldn't be dating me if he didn't see a potential future there. but like you said itsallgrand, he's not doing the planning and the hard work to make that future happen. He wants to get married and have kids, but that's not going to happen anytime soon until he gets his act together.

 

ugh.

[Batya33]

I won't repeat what others have said but I'll throw in - I don't see the great harm in having a strict deadline of another month (or two tops) but only if you can keep your distance during that time emotionally because I don't want to see you get more attached to him and more tempted to make excuses. The good thing about most wedding receptions as opposed to small intimate dinners -if it's in a catering hall or large venue there usually is a nice size women's room/lounge and if you're feeling upset you can excuse yourself and chill out there for a bit and you won't be missed in the same way as in a smaller gathering.

 

Hang in there.

[annie24]

Thanks batya.

 

I do agree with you all who say he is being selfish. I think he is - I don't think he's thinking about me. Maybe that's more clear now. I told him i felt awkward either way about not attending the wedding, either I don't go, and then if we stay together, I've gotten off on the wrong foot with his sister (my potential sister in law). He said he didn't think about it that way, just that people would blame him if I wasn't there. I'm pretty sure that no one, not even his parents and sister, would blame me if I didn't go, because they probably have all the same concerns about him that I do. Maybe even moreso, because I think he is expecting his dad to rescue him financially. I made it clear to Logan that he will NOT move in with me if he doesn't have a job and his life together. He said his dad is upset with him because he wants him to move to Africa with his sister and find a job there, but Logan says he doesn't want to leave me.

 

The wedding and reception are at a historic estate with a bed and breakfast. I guess if I get very emotional, maybe i can say that I have a migrane and will just go back to the room? (Even though I really don't get migranes, but whatever, that's an easy one to say)

[Fudgie]

it's okay annie, I've done/said some things here that make people want to smack me upside the head because they are frustrated with my situation. I get it, it's hard to see someone struggle with something and you're on the sidelines yelling "DO THIS!!!" because you care about them and want what is best for them.

 

I think waiting a month or two, it won't really do any harm, batya is right. If that's what you feel you need, that's what it is.

 

I'm sorry I just feel really bad you're in this situation.

[Ellie2006]

My friend Carol who has met him (and told me yesterday she was not a big fan of his) said I should try to stick it out, just for a little longer, if for no other reason than for my piece of mind so when I do break it off, i'll know i did everything i could. She said, "haven't you wished that someone would give you a chance, really warn you before breaking up with you?" I said yes.

 

Annie, this sounds like good advice...

I too feel as though however things may turn out, by giving yourself a little bit more time to think things through, you'll always know you did all that you could at this particular point in time ...

 

Hugs ...

 

If you're going to give this a bit more time, try to put the conversation you had with Logan behind you for now ...

 

Hard as it may be, try to enjoy the wedding and the time you have (internally?) given him and the relationship ... If you keep dwelling on the "deadline," I suppose you might as well pull the plug now ...

 

Whatever anyone says or thinks, I know that you'll figure out what's right for you. You're really smart and I've always appreciated your advice on matters, big and small.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[annie24]

Thanks Fudgie. I guess time will sort this out...

 

I told Logan that over the time I've known him, I have the impression that he stays in things too long, and doesn't make changes until he has to. I gave the example of the job he hated, that he didn't leave until he was laid off. And that I wonder if he is staying in this too long either. He says he wants to stay with me, but doesn't want me to feel like I am wasting my time because of the bio clock. (Like in the text convo). I said it's more just wasting time in the general sense. He agreed with me that he is lazy and doesn't often do things until he has to. I brought up the DUI and said i felt like he was dragging his heels, and he got angry, and said that was the one place where he did not drag his heels, because he got conflicting information from his probation officer, and they were the ones making it difficult to get the requirements understood and outlined, not him (because he lives in a different county from where he got the DUI, and each county has their own rules, but his probation officer is in his county?) something like that. Anyway, he was admanant he didn't drag his heels on that (though I don't fully agree). oh well.

 

I guess if I walk away, I'll feel better knowing that i gave him a chance to improve and he didn't. Does that make sense?