Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[annie24]

He has so many good qualities. He is nice to me, despite the lack of flowers. He listens to me, i know he cares about me, he's kind to me. Very much hugs and kisses and all that. But ouch, "not head over heels" is a shot to the heart. Along with "not in love with you." He says he doesn't want to lead me on, and not throw the word around as loosely as he did before. Which I understand.... but it's been almost 8 months. I've tried so hard to be a loving and supportive gf. I'm starting to feel like he will never get a job, but I know that's not the case (obviously, he will have to when his unemployment runs out). I suspect that his parents are getting aggravated with him too. I feel like I can overlook a lot of his negatives, but it's hard to do without that "love."

 

I've been re-reading the mars and venus books. Basically, saying that if you are a step ahead of where your partner is, it's good to take a step back in the relationship, to give space and time to evaluate. Right now, I feel like i've been treating him like he's my fiancé, when that's not really the case. Right now, I'm trying to decide between a full on breakup, or just taking a step back, and seeing what happens this month. He complained before, because we only see each other anyway 2 times a week. But maybe we should dial it back to even once or once every two weeks?

 

As for the wedding, someone asked (and I don't remember who), but if I would feel awkward at the wedding because it's a wedding? No, because I think I could go to a random person's wedding right now without any problems. But the fact that it's his sister's wedding, with all his family there, asking me about our relationship, and honestly, I'm not feeling great about things right now. If I don't go and we work things out, I think that would also be awkward for my relationship with him and his family. If I go, maybe this will be the last time I see them?

[annie24]

A few weeks ago, when his friends were in town, there was a drama (long story, I don't know if I talked about it here). but he was in a really foul mood and shouted out at the table with his friend, "I'M A FAILURE!!!!" I tried to calm him down. I know he feels really badly about his situation and feels like he's not going anywhere and is stopped from doing what he wants to do until the DUI is gone. I hate to leave him when he's down, but I'm getting concerned that he's with me because it's easy. He says I'm very "marriageable" and he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see the potential for a future together. but I'm concerned about everything.

[hers]

It's not about flowers. It's a lack of compatibility for big things. What you find important, he doesn't, and vice versa.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with this, Annie. He sounds like a decent guy in many ways, but...there are fundamental incompatibilities here, mainly in drive, determination, pro-activeness (probably not a word, but you get the idea), and....sense of responsibility. At his age, he should have things more under control and be making choices to secure a good future for himself (and a potential family he might have). He refers to himself as a "failure," but pretty much everything wrong with his life right now is under his control. He CAN find a job -- he's just not trying hard enough and seems to be getting interviews at iffy places that he hasn't checked out fully. He can't fix the DUI, but he CAN stop drinking altogether and stop smoking the pot, too; if he's depressed, those two factors DEFINITELY contribute, AND they don't help his financial situation. He can get help for depression, too. Everything that he is suffering from is something he can do something about, but he seems reluctant to do anything, for some reason.

 

I think there's a fundamental difference in values between you and him -- or at least in priorities. He's too old to be in this sort of drifting, going nowhere mode, no matter how great of a guy he is otherwise. He is proving that having a solid relationship isn't really a priority to him. If it was, he would be working his butt off to make it happen.

 

I don't know, Annie - I think you are just on very different wavelengths regarding what you want from your lives right now. I think Logan needs help for depression, for sure, but he also has a lot of other work to do before he would make a good longterm partner -- for you or for anyone, but particularly for you, given your motivation, sense of responsibility, ambition, etc.

[browneyedgirl36]

A few weeks ago, when his friends were in town, there was a drama (long story, I don't know if I talked about it here). but he was in a really foul mood and shouted out at the table with his friend, "I'M A FAILURE!!!!" I tried to calm him down. I know he feels really badly about his situation and feels like he's not going anywhere and is stopped from doing what he wants to do until the DUI is gone. I hate to leave him when he's down, but I'm getting concerned that he's with me because it's easy. He says I'm very "marriageable" and he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see the potential for a future together. but I'm concerned about everything.

 

But, see, he's using the DUI as an excuse -- to be stagnant, to sit in a holding pattern, to blame something external for his problems and not take action.

 

A person CAN get a job with a DUI on his or her record. I have colleagues in academia who have criminal records -- usually DUI's or drug offenses from when they were younger -- and it has not stopped them from getting jobs (I know this because I've been on hiring committees and they have disclosed their histories).

 

I'm going to be honest here, and I hope I don't offend anyone, but in my experience (not my own life, but those of my students and other people I have known), people who smoke pot regularly do not tend to have the drive, the get-up-and-go, the fire under their butts that those who don't smoke pot regularly do. Pretty much everyone I've ever known who smokes pot regularly seems kind of unmotivated, adrift. Not to say that this is the case with everyone who does it, but...it's been true for most of the pot-smokers I've met. And, he's probably doing it more than he admits; he says he spends $50-$60 a month, but I agree with Batya that it's probably more like $100. He may say he does it a couple times a week (I'm not sure how many times he claims to do it), but it's most likely twice what he admits to, at least (kind of like when someone says he or she had 2 or 3 beers but it was really more like 5 or 6). I bring this up because I think it's probably a contributing factor to his depression, feelings of failure, and his inability to really focus hard on finding a job.

 

Keep us posted on everything. I know this is hard.

[Fudgie]

I'm not going to comment on the DUI or weed usage because the whole "I'm not head over heels for you".... That's what I find most concerning. If he had a clean record, didn't smoke, didn't drink, made 100k a year and he told you the same thing, I'd still tell you rethink this relationship.

 

You need that passion. You deserve it. It's been 8 months and he's not crazy about you. You deserve someone who is.

 

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[browneyedgirl36]

I'm not going to comment on the DUI or weed usage because the whole "I'm not head over heels for you".... That's what I find most concerning. If he had a clean record, didn't smoke, didn't drink, made 100k a year and he told you the same thing, I'd still tell you rethink this relationship.

 

You need that passion. You deserve it. It's been 8 months and he's not crazy about you. You deserve someone who is.

 

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You're absolutely right, Fudgie -- this is the most important concern. The other stuff just illustrates further that maybe they're not on the same page, relationship-wise.

[Fudgie]

I mean, don't get me wrong, DUI and the weed smoking is a big deal too.... but I feel his utter lack of passion towards you trumps that. Because even if he did have his life together and didn't smoke at all, it's still a major issue.

 

BTW, my ex smoked quite often and almost did it everyday for a while. $80-$100/month was what he spent, and he only did a little everyday. Plus, we are in a decriminalised state and weed is plentiful and isn't as expensive. I wager he's paying a lot more.

 

You deserve so much more.

 

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[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not going to comment on the DUI or weed usage because the whole "I'm not head over heels for you".... That's what I find most concerning. If he had a clean record, didn't smoke, didn't drink, made 100k a year and he told you the same thing, I'd still tell you rethink this relationship.

 

You need that passion. You deserve it. It's been 8 months and he's not crazy about you. You deserve someone who is.

 

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I agree with this.

 

I know every relationship is different but I knew months in L was head over heels for me. It shows in his actions, his words... And while I don't think Logan is a BAD guy, I do think he isn't showing you the love you deserve.

[Batya33]

I think because I know, personally, how special you are Annie I bristle at someone treating you in the way he is when it comes to progressing in a relationship. I realize he has been caring and thoughtful in other ways.

[annie24]

Sigh. It's hard because he supported me during a rough time in my life 6 months ago, and now I'm kind of not able to keep on up... Then again, it has been quite a while, and I found a new job immediately. I just need time to think. I'm going out with a few girlfriends tonight. My friend said to look hot, we're going out. No can do, I am coming straight from lab.

 

I don't know if I should stick it out one more month, see if he gets a job, take things from there, see him less frequently, or throw in the towel....

[Batya33]

But your hard time is not analogous to his and your behavior is nothing like his. Also it did not prevent you from progressing with him.

[penelope13]

Is he aware about your concerns?

 

If it was me, I would clearly communicate to him what your concerns and expectations are and what kind of time frame you are willing to give him to adjust his behavior. This is not supposed to be an ultimatum or anything like that, but it's supposed to be a chance for him to make a conscious decision if he wants to invest the energy to make this work. Too many times we hear people complain that they weren't aware that there were issues and are surprised when they are being broken up with, but most often it is because they are either ignoring when the partner voices concerns or they are not taking the concerns serious enough.

 

Thus if you really think he is worth it to give another shot I would clearly explain to him that in order for you to be happy in a relationship you need xyz from a partner. If he is not able or unwilling to give that you will understand, however you will then look for someone more suitable.

 

One of the hardest breakups I initiated was with someone I had dated for 2 years. We even had previous history when we were teenagers so that there was a long positive history behind us both as friends as well as partners. I knew he would never breakup with me, however at the same time (after 2 years of being in a relationship) he was still unwilling to make any kind of decision about moving the relationship forward (we were LDR and I was ready to discuss who should move where in order to be able to start a life together) or making a decision on where his professional life would lead. I had told him right from the beginning that I didn't want to do LDR for more than 2 years, but I was open either for him to move, me to move, or us to move somewhere together. His initial explanation oh not knowing who should move where was that he didn't like his job and that he wanted to change careers. That was totally fine with me. However, the career move never took place. There was always one reason or another. But at the 1.5 year mark when he still wasn't any closer to making a decision I reminded him again that I didn't want to be in a LDR much longer and considering visa process times etc that if either one of us was to move we needed to make choices and decisions. Since he was unable to make a choice in the 2 years, I broke up with him because I didn't want to waste any more time waiting for him to make up his mind although it was extremely tough walking away from someone who I shared with such a long history.

 

Some people unfortunately like being drifters in life in the sense that they are waiting for outside events to induce any kind of change and to get them out of their inertia. If you are someone who is the opposite and who likes to take charge of your own life this will lead to too many incompatabilities in the long run.

[annie24]

I don't know how well I've communicated my concerns to him. I guess I'll see when we talk next week. I understand that his life is in shambles, and well, obviously, most of that is his doing. He doesn't take charge until he HAS to. He's a sweet man, very loyal, very nice to me, but now I've become increasingly concerned since he told me he's not head over heels for me and doesn't love me. Which is so weird because everyone who meets us comments on how lovey-dovey he is with me. I don't know whether to just call it quits now, or give him a month or two to start getting his act together (though in reality, it will take longer than that). I hate to kick him when he's down and he's told me previously I'm the only good thing in his life.

[annie24]

By the way, i appreciate all of your inputs. I really do.

[penelope13]

He doesn't have to eliminate all his issues in a month or two, but I think it's reasonable to expect that he makes sincere efforts to do everything in his power to make the necessary changes.

I don't think I would stay with someone who says 'I'm not in love with you' if I am trying to find someone to settle down with and build a life together, especially given for how long you have already dated

[annie24]

i just don't get it. or maybe it is that simple. he doesn't want to break up, he wants to stay together. he got offered a job that was 1-9 PM (but not really doing something he wanted). In addition, he said he didn't want to take it because then he'd have less time to spend with me. I told him back then he should take it and we can work around it. The depression and the pot are probably playing huge roles. I don't understand how he acts so lovely, talks about things months in advance, texts/calls me everyday, wants to stay near me, but then says he doesn't love me. do i wait, or cut my losses now?

[penelope13]

right now he likes the status quo of the relationship and what you add to his life RIGHT now - so of course he doesn't want to break up with you. But at the same time he doesn't seem to be willing/interested in figuring out if he sees the same potential for a future with you as you are. For him this seems to be a relationship anchored in the now (making social plans for the future is really not an indication of long term commitment. these can easily be canceled if need be), going with the flow ...

 

You can't force him to be commitment oriented if he is not willing/ready (for whatever reason), you can just hope that he would WANT to do all the necessary steps to work towards a long term committed relationship. If you don't see any indication that he is motivated himself to do what it takes to sort out the issues in life that are holding him back, you can't continue to be his safety net.

 

Maybe this was just a relationship 'for a season'. Yes he came into your life when you were very down yourself and he gave you the energy to deal with everything. That doesn't necessarily turn him into the right person to build a life with.

[annie24]

this was the text conversation we had on wednesday:

 

Logan: Did you finish in lab?

Me: I'm at home working

Logan: ugh, I hope you finish soon.

Me. Let's just hang out Friday.

Logan: Are you sure? Let's have dinner together at least, I'm sure you can use the break.

Me: I'm sad.

Logan: How much more do you have to do?

Me: It's not that.

Logan: What's wrong??

Me: I'm worried because you don't have a job yet, and I don't think we should move in together because you don't love me. It makes me more upset as time goes on.

Logan: I'm not asking to move in with you, and certainly not under the circumstances you're thinking. I would never put that on you... worse comes to worse, I'll take a job selling insurance.

Me: But still no love. How long to wait?

Me: No answer?

Me:

Logan: I'm driving. Sorry!

Logan: I don't know... I think I'm afraid to love you... that if it goes wrong one or both of us will get hurt.

Me. (unhappy face)

Logan: But my point was I wouldn't force the issue of moving in together, I wouldn't expect you to support me.

Me: My point is, how long to wait before I should move on?

Logan: I hear you. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend up to now. I am just trying to fix my life.

Logan: But I can promise you by next month I will have a job, one way or the other.

Me: Love means a lot more to me than things.

Logan: I know honey...

Me: At some point, I'll have to move on if you don't love me.

Me: I can't deal with this indefinitely.

Logan: Once i'm working ill feel better about moving on with us. I don't expect you to wait forever I know.

Logan: Im sorry, I know I'm making things difficult....

Logan: I do care about you and think about you. I've missed you this past week.

Me: Well... Maybe we should spend less time together so you can focus on your job hunt?

Logan: (Unhappy face) Is that what you want?

Me: I want a boyfriend who loves me. But you don't. So maybe I should start untangling myself? I also don't want to force you to feel anything you don't.

Logan: (Unhappy face) We should talk more in person. You said you're busy tomorrow?

Me: I'm not insanely busy tomorrow, but like I said, how much time to spend together then?

Logan: Whatever you're comfortable with. Or if you feel you need to get work done, then Friday.

Me: What do you want to talk about?

Logan: Us, I guess?? Idk.

Logan: I want to stay with you... But I don't want you to feel like you're wasting your time either.

Me: I am going to go to sleep now. Good night.

Logan: Ok. goodnight (crying face)

 

 

my friend carol read this text convo on wednesday and said I was too hard on him. she said he can't win either way. then thursday is when I called him on the phone and that's when he just said that the job search is frustrating, he can't do what he wants until the DUI is gone. and that's also when he said the no "head over heels" remark.

[penelope13]

how honest do you want me to be?

 

(would you rather prefer a chat/call?)

[annie24]

honest, of course. you can call me if you want, or tell me here.

[Fudgie]

I don't think you were hard on him. He's been dragging his feet on the DUI and the job thing. Yes, maybe he can't work in his desired field until the charge is gone, but he needs to get some job. And he hasn't. He has been offered jobs and he turned those down. So I don't buy the "when I get a job I'll feel better about us" because he has been offered a job but turned it down.

 

You want a boyfriend who loves you. You deserve a boyfriend who loves you. That's what it really boils down to.

[faraday]

I've been dating my guy 6 months...and he still hasn't said "love" yet. But we've talked about it...and the impression I get is that when he says love, we'll be together for the rest of our lives....but I would look at how he treats you. Are you his priority? Does he treat you in a loving respectful way? Is he a man you can respect? Is he someone who you would want to help you raise children with (like right now, as he is without any changes)? Are you proud of him? Does he make good choices that indicate he'll be a good husband?

 

I don't know you very well Annie....but...from what you've posted...this guy isn't husband material. He doesn't seem invested...and I don't think you should invest more.

 

I hope you find peace of mind and clarity soon

 

 

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[annie24]

Great questions.

 

Am I his priority? Well, he doesn't have many other priorities these days, does he? If I text or call, he calls or texts me back right away, or as soon as he can. Yes, he treats me in a loving, respectful way. Is he someone who I would want to raise the children with today? No, absolutely not. I mean, the lack of job would mean that he could be the house-husband. But I'm not ok with someone who is smoking pot everyday to be around the kids. He told me when he has kids, he will cut back. I know he wants kids too, he goes "aww" when he sees a baby when we are out.

 

But realistically.... I'm 34. If he wants kids with me, he needs to get his act together, ASAP. I don't even know if I want kids, but if I do, it would have to be with a man who is ready for them.

 

Am I proud of him? That is tough. I am frustrated with him. I know how hard the job search thing is. I know he is very intelligent, he knows a lot, and he worked hard in school, he has a graduate degree!! I know he has a lot of potential (don't we all though???) I know this is a low point in his life and he is not proud of himself.

 

He is so lovey-dovey with me, in public, always holding my hand, at home, always cuddling, smooching, calling me beautiful, hugging me, telling me what a good girlfriend i am, i've met all his friends... so wow, that really hurts when he says he is not head over heels...

[annie24]

I just had a Facebook chat with my friend's husband. I went to their wedding earlier this year, and she is expecting their first child. He is a pilot and asked me if he can crash at my place sometime. I live nearish to the airport, and he told me he is trying to pick up some extra shifts and is wondering if my place is available in case of weather and he can't get back home in time (I don't know if the airline pays for hotel or not). I said of course. Now here is a man who is working overtime to try to get ready for the baby.