His mom died while I was there and he wasn't

[VtecQueen]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago. He "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now" And about a week later I found out he was talking to some other girl and took her Red Lobster, sending her love notes saying "I don't want to loose you" "i'm not going anywhere" "i love you so much" "I love you" "I love you" "I love you baby"

 

Once I found that out and was done and went on a date with one of my friends. The ex found out about that and flipped out so I reminded him of the love notes and junk he sent to her. He told me "she wants a relationship, I don't" "I'm not in love" "I didn't go to Red Lobster" "I still wanted you until now, since you are going out on dates"

 

We decided to be friends and we'd talk every morning through emails at work. But if I ever text him or called he wouldn't answer or respond.

 

To make a long story short....things were going ok, but I couldn't get the other girl out of my head. I had stopped talking to the guy I went on a date with but the ex took her out again and one of my friends saw them together ](*,) His mom has lung cancer and was not doing well at all at the time, so I spent a lot of time worrying about her and him praying for his strength and I'd go over to his house and make sure she was ok, but he wouldn't ever let me see her (me and his mom are close, i love her more than my own mom, she was going to give me her wedding ring if she passed) Worrying while he's out going on dates with the new girl.

 

So Thursday he was at work, and I didn't have anything to do all day. So I called his house and his grandma was there. I asked if she needed anything she said no but I was welcome to come over. It was like, meant for me to be off work that day......I got there and helped his grandma clean and stuff while his mom was being transported to a hospice nearby. But we got a phone call saying that she had passed away at the hospice before we could take a step out the door. His grandma told me not to tell him, because she wanted to tell him once he got home from work.

 

Yesterday I get hate texts from him, so mad that I didn't tell him and "you made my mothers death very hard for me. I thought you would show compassion but you were selfish and disrespectful" "you need to call ME before you go to MY house" etc. I know he is mad that I was there and he wasn't, and I'm trying not to take it personal, but I'm at a lost as to what to do now......He is still mad at me this morning and calling me "ignorant, retarded, @ss, etc." I don't know what I did wrong. I was just trying to be there for his grandma, and respect her wishes, I didn't know all this was going to happen.

 

What do I do now? What do you think about the events with the other girl? I need some insite on what to do, because my heart/mind are going crazy, and I can't seem to separate them. PS all this has happened within a month lol

[kaoticbaby]

this is a hard one. i really want to give you advice but this is such a strange situation to me, one that i have zero experience with.

 

i just want to say good luck with how everything that turns out and that i'm sorry about what you're going through.

[waveseer]

I think you should steer clear of him until he cools down. His mom just died and people act strangely sometimes when they lose someone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I agree that you should steer clear of him. You did nothing wrong so please don't let him convince you that somehow you were wrong. He is dealing with the grief and is lashing out at you. Do you have anyone you can talk to about the grief you are feeling. If you were that close to his mother then you will be feeling the loss as well...coupled with the way this guy is treating you I think it would be a good thing if perhaps you connected with a grief counsellor.

[abitbroken]

In grief, it is natural to want to blame somebody. My husband's brother blamed him by not being bedside when their dad died. I mean, how can you possibly predict the moment? My estranged husband had been there all week, he just had something to do that afternoon.

 

I would express my sympathies to the grandmother, etc, and not cut her off but I would steer clear until he gets over himself or ask his grandmother to tell him why he wasn't told by you. Don't tell him yourself because he isn't going to want to hear it from you and is just going to lash out or not listen.

[agent1607307371]

I agree that a lot of his actions right now are due to grief, watching a loved one die from illness is incredibly stressful.

 

You haven't done anything wrong though, and if I were you, I'd just steer clear of him and not answer his texts. He's decided to take his anger out on someone and that is you.

[DN]

and I'd go over to his house and make sure she was ok, but he wouldn't ever let me see her

So Thursday he was at work, and I didn't have anything to do all day. So I called his house

 

See why he might be angry?

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow, this must be stressful for you.

 

He's definitely not thinking clearly due to his grief, and he's lashing out at you. When he cools down, which he will eventually (though it might take awhile), he will most likely either apologize OR at least be kinder to you.

 

Normally, I would say that the things he said to you are so un-called for that you shouldn't speak to him again, but in this case, he lost his mother, and when someone is in the midst of tremendous grief, things come out that they truly don't mean. I would bet he didn't mean ANY of those nasty things he said. I suspect he feels tremendous guilt, too, because he wasn't there when his mother died.

 

Your best bet is to back off for awhile. You might let his grandmother know that you are there for moral support and that you care about the family, and leave it at that for awhile.

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

[VtecQueen]

Thanks everyone, it is definitely hard cuz I care about him so much. But this new girl just changes things. And I know he is taking it out on me, maybe because I'm the closest person to him. I don't understand why he left me tho. And he took back my promise ring. Maybe that's just more of his grief coming out on me. I don't mind him taking it out on me, I'm trying to not take it personally but I don't want him to continue to think the things he is thinking about me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

"you need to call ME before you go to MY house"

 

I don't think the problem is his mother dying, i think the problem is that you have broken up and you were still trying to access his family as if you were his girlfriend and a part of his family.

 

You may have been close to them, but once you break up with someone, you don't retain rights to their family. His grandmother said she didn't need anything from you, but you came over anyway. A person's death is a very private intimate family moment, and i think he is outraged because he had cut you off, wasn't responding to you etc., and you still showed up at his house when his mother was dying even though he had made it clear he didn't want you around anymore and that he didn't want you to see her or participate in his family life anymore.

 

i know you were attached to them too and it is hard to lose his mother, but if you are broken up, you have to respect his right to not have you call and try to be with his family anymore.

 

So i think you at this point should apologize to him for intruding into his family life if he didn't want you there and that you are sorry if that upset him, and let it go.

[laisla]

i think there's nothing you could do but apologize and give him space.

[lady00]

I agree with BSBH completely. I think that is the real issue here. All you can do now is apologize and leave him be.

[amipushy]

And I also agree.

 

And I know this is a very delicate time for you and its possible thatif you had shown up and she hadnt died things might be different right now but you did show up and she did die and you SHOULD take it personally because it is 100% meant personally.

 

I would also recommend that you do not go to the funeral unless you have permission directly from him.

[VtecQueen]

Why shouldn't I go to the funeral???

 

His mom and I were very close, I wouldn't be going for him, I'd be going to show my respects to her. I don't know....I want to go. I feel like it would be disrespectful to his family if I didn't go. They don't know we are not together.

[Tokyorose]

i say you have every right to go to the funeral. You cared about her too and the funeral is not about him its about her!

[DN]

Why shouldn't I go to the funeral???

 

His mom and I were very close, I wouldn't be going for him, I'd be going to show my respects to her. I don't know....I want to go. I feel like it would be disrespectful to his family if I didn't go. They don't know we are not together.

Because by going you are making it about you.

[VtecQueen]

Because by going you are making it about you.

I don't understand. Tell me because I don't believe it's about me. Just because he's mad at me, that means I can't go say see his mom one last time?

[DN]

His mother is dead so the funeral is not about her - it is about the people mourning her loss. Particularly the people who were the closest to her and that certainly includes her son.

 

Do you really want to make him angry and upset with you at his mother's funeral? He has already made his feelings about you perfectly clear and he deserves to be thinking only of her and not be distracted and upset even more by you being there.

[PsychGirly]

I say you go to the funeral. I would go, but don't approach the family. Sit in the back somewhere & don't make it anything personal. Try to avoid seeing him if you can.

 

If you're going to feel guilty for not going, you're going to be the one who lives with that conscience, not him. It's not about him, it's not about his mom, it's about you. It's always about you.

 

I personally would apologize for hurting him in any way, & don't mention anything about whether you're going to attend the funeral or not.

[lady00]

I would not go to a funeral you are not invited to. And under the circumstances, it's possible you won't be invited. I'm with DN all the way on this--it's about the people mourning her loss and if he does not want you to be there, then you should respect that.

[VtecQueen]

It's about the ppl who are mourning her loss.....I'm mourning her loss too. She was practically my mom. For 4 years I'd go to her before I'd go to my own mom. We'd talk all the time about everything. Even tho me and him were not together I still wrote her letters and sent her flowers. If I do go i will sit in the back and try not to be scene by him. No one knows we are not together but me and him. Idk...

[waveseer]

Most funerals are publicly posted in the newspaper so anyone can go. Do you know if this one will be?

[DN]

If he reacted that angrily to you going to the house how do you think he will react if he sees you at the funeral? You really should think of him first in this situation and not yourself. I understand what you say - but she was not your mother. She was his mother and he should be allowed to go to her funeral in peace without being upset even more by your presense.

 

What do you think his reaction would be if he knew you were planning to attend?

[VtecQueen]

I'm not really sure. I just thought he was upset because he was going through so much stuff. I was just trying to help cuz his grandma said I could come over, but not to tell him about his mom, cuz she wanted to tell him.

 

His dad passed away Dec 7th of last year (yeah crazy) and at the time I was going through alot with my mom (being kicked out and such for no reason) and his mom was who I'd run to, so he really didn't like my mom at all for doing that to me. but when his dad passed my mom came to his funeral and my ex was very happy that my mom came.

[DN]

The only other thing I would suggest is asking him if he is OK with you going. But if he says he doesn't want you to go then I think you should respect his wishes.