His mom died while I was there and he wasn't

[DN]

But it isn't your mother who died and it isn't you that is mourning her. It's his mother who has died and he has made his wishes perfectly clear. And it is whether it is 'doable' for him that counts in this circumstance. You may think he is being unreasonable but he doesn't care what you think - he just wants to mourn his mother in peace and if the OP attends it is obvious it won't be peaceful for him.

 

If he were to assent that would be one thing - but judging from his previously expressed wishes that is unlikely. It may be worth asking but if he says no then that should be respected.

 

I think to knowingly make the last memories he has of his mother affected by being upset in this way would be a really mean thing to do.

[JadedStar]

But it isn't your mother who died and it isn't you that is mourning her. It's his mother who has died and he has made his wishes perfectly clear. And it is whether it is 'doable' for him that counts in this circumstance. You may think he is being unreasonable but he doesn't care what you think - he just wants to mourn his mother in peace and if the OP attends it is obvious it won't be peaceful for him.

 

If he were to assent that would be one thing - but judging from his previously expressed wishes that is unlikely. It may be worth asking but if he says no then that should be respected.

 

I didn't say he was being unreasonable. He is grieving, i am sure he is hurt and whatever he says is a reaction to that.

 

I am giving the advice to the OP ...

[DN]

I'll repeat this in case it was missed.

 

I think to knowingly make the last memories he has of his mother affected by being upset in this way would be a really mean thing to do.

[JadedStar]

I'll repeat this in case it was missed.

 

That is one person's opinion tho.

 

Isnt that what we do here? give a bunch of diff viewpoints from which the OP to decide which is best?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'll repeat this in case it was missed.

 

She would not be doing that...his memories of his mother have nothing to do with her being at the funeral. According to your line of reasoning, Queen Elizabeth shouldn't have been at the funeral of Princess Diana since it was well-known they didn't get along and I am sure it was very painful for Princess Diana's brother to have to sit in the same room as the woman who didn't treat his sister well. This is not Dallas or Dynasty where there are public brawls at funerals.

[DN]

Apparently the Queen did not want to attend but was advised to do so by Tony Blair as a matter of official 'advice' that she is constitutionally obliged to follow. The Queen rarely attends funerals of non-family members - an exception was Sir Winston Churchill. And since Diana was divorced she was no longer a member of the family. And because she did follow the advice she was accused of being a hypocrite - an no-win situation. I think her initial instinct was the right one judging by the eulogy by Earl Spencer. I think the OP should follow that same thought.

 

Most people's memories of the loved ones include the funeral service especially parents. And that memory should not be adversely affected if it can possibly be avoided.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Apparently the Queen did not want to attend but was advised to do so by Tony Blair as a matter of official 'advice' that she is constitutionally obliged to follow. The Queen rarely attends funerals of non-family members - an exception was Sir Winston Churchill. And since Diana was divorced she was no longer a member of the family. And because she did follow the advice she was accused of being a hypocrite - an no-win situation. I think her initial instinct was the right one judging by the eulogy by Earl Spencer. I think the OP should follow that same thought.

 

Most people's memories of the loved ones include the funeral service especially parents. And that memory should not be adversely affected if it can possibly be avoided.

 

If the person is sitting at the back and keeps out of the way then I don't see the problem. I would bet that given how close she was with the mother and that the grandmother did not have a problem with her, if she didn't go to the funeral people would think she was rude. I don't think she should have to conduct her life according to her ex's conduct..she has a mind of her own and should not allow one person to dictate what she can and can't do according to her conscience. I doubt that her being at the funeral is going to have this major dramatic impact on this guy who dumped her and got a new girlfriend...his mind I assume would be too preoccupied with the loss of his mother and having the new girl by his side to really give to craps about the presense in the back of the room of his ex. This man is very very immature and conduct should not be guided by immature people...someone needs to be an adult and it sounds like she is the adult and needs to do the adult thing of putting what went on between her and this guy on the back burner so she could focus on the important matter...paying respects to someone she was close to. If his immature self doesn't like it then maybe the two deaths should make him grow up instead of acting like a child.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

CAD you are trying to argue both sides of the coin here. On the one hand you are saying that she should go and sit in the back and if nobody notices her what is the harm. On the other hand you just said if she doesn't go and people notice she is not there people will say she is rude. So are they going to notice her or not? And why should fear of 'rudeness' overcome propriety and send to her a funeral where she is obviously unwelcome? I have never once seen anything think it is rude when someone unwanted doesn't show up... they are either relieved that there will be no scene, or else don't notice.

 

And if she is recently broken up with her ex who is the son of the person who died, her presense is going to act as another source of pain and discomfort and awkwardness for all involved.

 

I am of the strong opinion that a funeral is a function organized by the family members, and it is NOT open to anyone who cares to wander in off the street unless it is a state function funeral such as a public figure like a President who dies. should the deceased ex-mistress attend should she feel like it? Or someone the person hated and fought with because they feel like it?

 

There is so much drama and emotional pain at the funeral, that adding more drama among the living really isn't appropriate at all, and is totally insensitive to the family.

 

The point is that the OP said very openly that the boyfriend has been ignoring her contact and telling her to leave him and his family alone since the breakup, and she has repeatedly refused to do so. That isn't about showing respect for the deceased, it is about bullying her way back into his life even though he has told her to go away, many times and in no uncertain terms. That is stalking, and crashing the mother's funeral, especially after he has told her in no uncertain terms that he is horrified by her behavior and totally unaccepting of her unwanted attentions to him and his family.

 

It doesn't matter if she liked his mother, they weren't married, the mother is gone, and the son wants nothing to do with her. Time to let this go, and respect the family's right to a peaceful funeral.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are clearly people who did like her and they might realize that she was noticeably absent and feel offended. No, I am not arguing both sides..I am arguing what I strongly feel is the right thing to do and that is to pay her last respects to a woman she felt close to and who was good to her and not be bullied by a man who did not treat her right. This man dumped her to start going with someone else...much of his hostility has to do with his own guilt for screwing her...many people who can't face up to their actions blame the person they screwed over. His hostility is way over the top and irrational and she should not be bullied into staying away just because of the guilt feelings of this guy who wronged her. If the rest of the family treated her right and she was close to them then she has a right to pay her last respects and this other guy needs to grow up.

 

I totally disagree with you and DN and stand by my convictions. I will no longer engage in this debate as I feel it is now going around in circles and I have said everything that I need to say on this matter. Listen to some stories on death and dying, on the impact of death and dying not only on family members but on the people around who have been close to the person who was dying. They are heart-wrenching stories...while death certainly has a profound effect on family members, there are also many others who can be profoundly affected. Just look at the outpouring of grief from complete strangers when Princess Diana died. Nobody holds a monopoly on grief and nobody has the right to tell another person how they should grieve....and if someone felt close to the deceased they have every right in the world to attend the public funeral which is open to all.

[Tokyorose]

CAD i completely agree with you. She should go if she wants to. btw is he an only child or does he have siblings that you are really close to as well?

[JadedStar]

I think it is clear that there are two arguments for this and both are written very well, both for and against.

 

Now the OP can decide which scenario and opinion most closely matches her own.

 

This is coming down to personal decisions anyway, there is no clear cut right or wrong. So i am not going to further debate with anyone on the opposite view because again, there is no clear right or wrong answer here. And most funerals are public unless made private by the family. Every funeral i have ever attended there were always a few people that we ask amongst ourselves "do you know who that is"??? It is rather common.

 

PS - as strange as it sounds i think my mom still mourns for Princess Di. She felt such good things coming from her and if she were near the funeral she surely would have attended and i think it would have made her feel better. Like DN or BEstrong said, the funerals are for the living, so you both kind of cemented the point that being able to attend for whatever reasons to pay one's respects should be allowed. not JUST the family of the deceased. She could go, sit quietly in the back, and exit at the end of the ceremony. She doesn't have to and shouldn't attend any afterwards gatherings.

[DN]

It doesn't matter if she liked his mother, they weren't married, the mother is gone, and the son wants nothing to do with her. Time to let this go, and respect the family's right to a peaceful funeral.

Exactly. Any chance that her presense could disrupt the funeral, even if only from her ex's point of view, is too big a risk to take. This may be a clash of rights and not right and wrong, although I am not sure it is, but surely the son of the deceased has more right than his ex girlfriend to mourn his mother in peace and free from unnecessary emotional turmoil - it will be hard enough for him as it is. Leave the man be.

 

As a point of information - no one who did not receive an invitation to attend Princess Di's funeral would have been allowed to enter the Abbey - even to sit quietly at the back. The public were kept well back behind barriers. And the interment on Lord Spencer's estate was strictly private .

[alcide]

bE STRONG, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE FAMILY NUMBER ONE, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, IN DUE TIME HE WILL COME TO HIS senseS AND SEE HE NEEDS YOU. JUST HOLD ON AND IGNORE HIM, TALK TO HIM ONLY WHEN HE DOES OK, BEST OF WISHES.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Exactly. Any chance that her presense could disrupt the funeral, even if only from her ex's point of view, is too big a risk to take. This may be a clash of rights and not right and wrong, although I am not sure it is, but surely the son of the deceased has more right than his ex girlfriend to mourn his mother in peace and free from unnecessary emotional turmoil - it will be hard enough for him as it is. Leave the man be.

 

As a point of information - no one who did not receive an invitation to attend Princess Di's funeral would have been allowed to enter the Abbey - even to sit quietly at the back. The public were kept well back behind barriers. And the interment on Lord Spencer's estate was strictly private .

 

 

Yes, but there was a public funeral..it was broadcast all over the world! As for the interment...I never said she had a right to go to a wake or Shiva or visitation which is a more private, family-oriented thing. I was simply talking about the funeral itself where the doors are indeed open to whomever wants to come in and sit at the back.

[VtecQueen]

Well I went to the funeral and everything was ok. We hugged and stuff, and I told him I loved him and if there is anything he needs he can always call me. We may be broken up but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't get to say goodbye to his mom, she was a big part of my life, apart from him. I know she would have wanted me to be there. There are 7 signs of Grief (google it) and Anger is the 1st one. He will be angry before he will be sad, and the hurtful things he said to me where not because he hated me, but because he was sad. We did not break up on bad terms, but he has another woman, so I guess now we can move on with our lives apart from each other since he "doesn't want a relationship right now", and he's with another girl now (who was not at the funeral). I just wanted to be there for his mom, and maybe one day when he feels better, he will see the positive things.

[DN]

Under the circumstances that was very gracious and magnanimous of him. I hope both of you are able to move on now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good for you. Remember to take care of yourself...you are facing two losses right now..the death of someone you highly valued and the end of a relationship with someone you really cared about who is now with someone else. It will take a while to process and deal with those feelings of loss.

[JadedStar]

To be honest I thought that it might turn out this way. His first responses to you were out of hurt and sadness over the death of his mother, and i am sure once that calmed a tad he probably realized that it is a bigger person who can put aside differences long enough to attend a funeral together. Like i stated in other posts I have been at funerals with people i couldn't stand, and likely will again in the future. But at a funeral i always shake their hand if i am able and pat them on the back. A gesture of "we may not get along but i am sorry you are hurting". It doesn't mean that whatever they did that upset me is now gone but it does mean i can put it behind me for a few hours.

 

i am glad it went okay. Now is the time I would strongly suggesting putting the relatinoship behind you and honor his request to not contact his family. You were able to pay your respects to his mother which I felt was important to you, but here on out you have to realize you are no longer together and since not married his family isn't your family and if he makes it clear he would rather you not be around them, please honor that wish. It will not help you to move on if you cling to them.

[VtecQueen]

Thanks for all your help and support. It is very hard with the holiday's and such coming up. But each day I guess gets a little better. Loosing 2 people that ment the world to me sometimes I feel lost and alone. Especially knowing that he has someone else that I guess was better for him than me. But everything happens for a reason, and I"m just going to try to remain positive.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks for all your help and support. It is very hard with the holiday's and such coming up. But each day I guess gets a little better. Loosing 2 people that ment the world to me sometimes I feel lost and alone. Especially knowing that he has someone else that I guess was better for him than me. But everything happens for a reason, and I"m just going to try to remain positive.

 

The first year after losing someone is very difficult...first holidays without that person etc. Over time it will get better. Do you have plans for the holidays. Make sure to keep yourself busy.

[VtecQueen]

The first year after losing someone is very difficult...first holidays without that person etc. Over time it will get better. Do you have plans for the holidays. Make sure to keep yourself busy.

I don't really have plans yet for the holidays, but I plan on going to visit a friend out of town and just get away for a weekend. I'm working hard on trying to get an apartment and get on my feet. Get my own place and try to be independent. Yes trying to keep myself busy.

[MercuryRetro]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago. He "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now" And about a week later I found out he was talking to some other girl and took her Red Lobster, sending her love notes saying "I don't want to loose you" "i'm not going anywhere" "i love you so much" "I love you" "I love you" "I love you baby"

 

Your EX-boyfriend is being too polite.

 

He should have said 'I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU.' Full stop.

 

No one is obligated to want to be in a relationship with someone just because the other person wants them to be in a relationship with them.

 

We decided to be friends and we'd talk every morning through emails at work. But if I ever text him or called he wouldn't answer or respond.

 

He's not interested in you.

 

And we are about to find out why.

 

To make a long story short....things were going ok, but I couldn't get the other girl out of my head.

 

Why do you have the other girl on your mind at all? He dumped you. Your 'ownership' of him has ended.

 

His mom has lung cancer and was not doing well at all at the time, so I spent a lot of time worrying about her and him praying for his strength and I'd go over to his house and make sure she was ok, but he wouldn't ever let me see her (me and his mom are close, i love her more than my own mom, she was going to give me her wedding ring if she passed) Worrying while he's out going on dates with the new girl.

 

I went through a very similar experience as your EX-boyfriend, my mother was dying of lung cancer. Your EX-boyfriend is closer to his mother then you are, he likely knows things about her situation that she doesn't.

 

For example, he might have known that his mother tried to keep up a 'strong front' around people who are not her family. And that each time she did that she was sick and exhausted after they left. (This happened to me, actually.)

 

You intruded against his wishes.

 

So Thursday he was at work, and I didn't have anything to do all day. So I called his house and his grandma was there. I asked if she needed anything she said no but I was welcome to come over. It was like, meant for me to be off work that day......I got there and helped his grandma clean and stuff while his mom was being transported to a hospice nearby. But we got a phone call saying that she had passed away at the hospice before we could take a step out the door. His grandma told me not to tell him, because she wanted to tell him once he got home from work.

 

I take it from your other post that the grandmother did not know the two of you had broken up.

 

So you came over under false pretenses.

 

I was just trying to be there for his grandma, and respect her wishes, I didn't know all this was going to happen.

 

No you weren't.

 

You were trying to 'own' him by intruding on his life during an incredibly difficult time.

 

What do I do now? What do you think about the events with the other girl? I need some insite on what to do, because my heart/mind are going crazy, and I can't seem to separate them. PS all this has happened within a month lol

 

He dumped you. You acted like a stalker.

 

I'm amazed at how well he took you going to his mother's funeral. He was probably doing it in order to avoid making a scene and upsetting his relatives.

 

Just another stress to add to the stress of mourning the loss of his mother, I guess. This guy was definitely being the bigger person.

 

If I had an ex-boyfriend act the way you acted while my mother was dying he would definitely be facing a protection order.

[Alezia]

I think your ex-boyfriend acted with class at his mother's funeral. Although I don't think it was the best of moves under the circumstances, if your heart feels lighter and free then all for the better as it is a done act.

 

What I would have done if I were in your place is to go to her tombstone on the day of the funeral after everyone has left to go eat the cold lunch buffet (family gathering thing) and pay your respect then.

If you do feel weak about his mother's death, you still are free to go to the graveyard and mourn over choosing to contact him/his family.

[Alezia]

Why do you have the other girl on your mind at all? He dumped you. Your 'ownership' of him has ended.

 

Hum, this one is a strange thought too me. First you don't own someone. Second, just because they don't love you back doesn't mean you can't think about them. It's one thing to act or vocalize your thoughts but there is nothing about processing them in your mind.

[MercuryRetro]

Hum, this one is a strange thought too me. First you don't own someone. Second, just because they don't love you back doesn't mean you can't think about them. It's one thing to act or vocalize your thoughts but there is nothing about processing them in your mind.

 

It's fine to have feelings, but I got a very strong sense from the OP that it was more of a 'how dare he have another girl after he dumped me' rather then 'the fact he's moving on is bothering me and I need to deal with it.'

 

Throughout her entire post I got the sense that she was upset about 'the other girl' and still wanted to own her ex-boyfriend's choices _after_ the relationship was over. And she tried to impose her ownership on him* by using her relationship to his mother and intruding--under false pretenses**--during a very emotionally fraught time in his life. Even after he told her not to contact his house(he probably had his reasons for this request) and he wasn't responding to her attempts to contact him.

 

*Ownership as evidenced by the ability to intrude on his life.

**Would the grandma have said 'you can come over if you like' if she'd known her grandson had ended the relationship with her?