His mom died while I was there and he wasn't

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't understand why if you have broken up and your ex is extremely upset with you for continuing to contact his family, why you would even consider going to his mother's funeral.

 

It is a hard reality, but you were never married to him so were never really part of the family, as much as you'd like to claim that honor. And he is now making it very clear that your presense is unwanted and distressing to him, when he has just lost his mother. If you cared about him at all, you'd respect his wishes and leave him and his family alone. In fact, going to the funeral when he has made it extremely clear he wants you nowhere near him or his family is EXTREMELY stalkerish of you.

 

If he sees you at the funeral, don't be surprised if he gets a restraining order to keep you away. I know you don't want to believe it is over, but he is making that very clear, and crashing his mother's funeral uninvited will probably put him over the top.

 

If you want to pay your respects to his mother, you can bring flowers to her grave anytime at all after she has been buried and the funeral is over.

 

So please be honest with yourself. This is about trying to bully your way back into that family, and sooner or later you will have to give them up entirely since he wants nothign to do with you. Have some respect for your ex's feelings and grieving, and don't show up at the funeral.

[amipushy]

I get hate texts from him..... "you made my mothers death very hard for me. I thought you would show compassion but you were selfish and disrespectful"

 

Do NOT make the same mistake of making his mothers funeral very hard for him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have read your other posts and this guy has treated you like crap. If you want to go to the funeral because you were close to the mother then you should go because in the end you need to do what is best for your own peace of mind. This guy dumped you and ran off with some other woman...I don't think you owe him any courtesy...you can just sit at the back and make yourself invisible so that there is no scene...but if you feel it is important for yourself to be there then you should. I can understand you not being there if you cheated on your boyfriend and treated HIM like crap...but he was the one who was mistreating you and treating you like a doormat...you don't owe him anything. Do what you need to do to mourn the loss of someone you felt close to. Funerals are generally not private and anyone can go, including a co-worker he may not get along with.

[Tokyorose]

i agree 100% i just couldn't put it as eloquently as you

[DN]

I think that no matter how badly someone has treated you it is not right to cause them even more upset on the day of their mother's funeral. Totally disrespectful to him and not something you should do to anyone. That would lower you to their level and it looks so much like an act of petty revenge. "I was just as important to her as you were even though you are her child and I was not."

 

And if he is as angry then as he is now imagine how embarrassed you would be if he lost it at the funeral and shouted at you to leave or made a scene in some other way? People are sometimes over-wrought emotionally and react in unexpected ways.

 

I think it would be an extremely selfish thing to do - as BSBH said, there are other ways for you to mourn her loss that would be less intrusive than attending her funeral.

 

You don't need to do this - you want to do this and it is likely for the wrong reasons even if you don't see that right now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I disagree. I don't think it has anything to do with lowering herself to his level. It has to do with the fact that she was close to his mother and close to the family and she is entitled to go to the funeral and sit in the back with the other people who are paying their respects. She is allowed to mourn the loss of someone she felt close to and there is nothing wrong with her going to the funeral to pay her last respects. I don't think it is selfish at all...this is a funeral, this is someone who died and she was close to that person. It has nothing to do with rubbing it in his face..it has to do with her relationship with the deceased and nothing more. The immediate family does not hold a monopoly on grief and mourning...lots of people are entitled to mourn and grieve the loss of someone and to attend the funeral if it is not a private funeral.

[DN]

I strongly disagree that she is entitled to go to the funeral. Legally perhaps although I would like to see proof of that assertion - it is true for weddings but I have not heard it is for funerals. But ethically and morally it would be reprehensible. It's pushing herself into a family grieving process where she is simply not wanted by one of the principal mourners and will make his day even worse than it will be already. What a mean thing to do to someone. It is totally irrelevant that she was treated badly by him and in no way makes it right for her to go.

 

Of course it has something to do with him. How can it not?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I strongly disagree that she is entitled to go to the funeral. Legally perhaps although I would like to see proof of that assertion - it is true for weddings but I have not heard it is for funerals. But ethically and morally it would be reprehensible. It's pushing herself into a family grieving process where she is simply not wanted by one of the principal mourners and will make his day even worse than it will be already. What a mean thing to do to someone. It is totally irrelevant that she was treated badly by him and in no way makes it right for her to go.

 

Of course it has something to do with him. How can it not?

 

 

She said she was very close to the mother. She doesn't have to run up to him but there is nothing wrong with her sitting at the back to pay her last respects. I don't think that it is mean at all..and maybe if this ex eventually grows up he will look back and see it for the kind gesture it was to his mother and will appreciate it in retrospect. I think it is a sad day when politics has to get in the way of paying last respects to someone you felt close to. There is no room in this life for pettiness when it comes to death and dying. If she stays at the back and doesn't go up to the family then she is not pushing herself on anyone. She is simply attending a funeral service. It is most certainly not stalkerish to attend the funeral of someone you were close to just because one family member may not want you there. As long as she keeps a low profile and she is not making a scene.

[DN]

Since he was so mad at her previous action I imagine he would be even more angry if she attends the funeral at all. His reasons are his own and whether they are immature or not, petty or not, political or not, is not the point. Why anyone would want to attend a funeral when it could cause a scene or even more upset to someone whose mother just died is beyond me - no matter how badly he may have acted. I think it would be a cruel and heartless thing to do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Since he was so mad at her previous action I imagine he would be even more angry if she attends the funeral at all. His reasons are his own and whether they are immature or not, petty or not, political or not, is not the point. Why anyone would want to attend a funeral when it could cause a scene or even more upset to someone whose mother just died is beyond me - no matter how badly he may have acted. I think it would be a cruel and heartless thing to do.

 

His anger and stupidity is his problem and she should not have to tap dance around his stupidity when she herself is feeling grief. If he wants to cause a scene that's on him, not her. It would not be her fault if he acts irrationally if she is just minding her own business at the back of the funeral.

[DN]

When someone is grieving the loss of their mother, anger and stupidity are beside the point. You just don't twist the knife in the wound if you don't have to. And she doesn't have to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When someone is grieving the loss of their mother, anger and stupidity are beside the point. You just don't twist the knife in the wound if you don't have to. And she doesn't have to.

 

He wounded her..he dumped her..he has a new hottie he is banging..if anything it would be painful for her to be there watching his new hottie giving him the comfort. She has a lot of courage if she goes. She is not twisting any knife into him...she is simply paying last respects to someone she felt close to. If it is a public funeral she is allowed to pay her last respects.

 

I work in the cancer field and attended a palliative care conference...I am currently reviewing the CDs of some of the talks at the conference in order to do a write-up. They are brutal to listen to especially when they get into case studies and there have been times when I have had to stop the tape because I am crying. Grieving is not just for family members...non family care-givers, friends, anyone who has been touched by the dying person can grieve and their grieving is just as valid as the family member's grief. They do not have to intrude on the family's grief by going up to the family..but at a public funeral they have every right to attend and mourn the loss. There are many times when health care professionals are touched by the death of a patient and they themselves need closure and psychosocial support.

[DN]

He wounded her..he dumped her..he has a new hottie he is banging

That makes it seem as you are advocating this as an act of revenge rather than anything else. And even if that is not the case - it is irrelevant. One bad action does not justify another.

 

I am not suggesting that she is not grieving the loss of someone who meant something important to her. But to somehow equate that with the loss that he is suffering is not appropriate. What is appropriate is to recognise that his need to mourn his mother wihout being further upset takes precedence. It's not as if she can't mourn in some other way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That makes it seem as you are advocating this as an act of revenge rather than anything else. And even if that is not the case - it is irrelevant. One bad action does not justify another.

 

I am not suggesting that she is not grieving the loss of someone who meant something important to her. But to somehow equate that with the loss that he is suffering is not appropriate. What is appropriate is to recognise that his need to mourn his mother wihout being further upset takes precedence. It's not as if she can't mourn in some other way.

 

Of course I am not advocating this as revenge..I am merely stating that this is also painful for her. He can still mourn his mother even if she is tucked away at the back of the funeral service and doesn't go up to him. If she needs to mourn by going to the funeral who is anybody to say that she should find another way to mourn the loss. How someone mourns a loss is intensely personal...this is not a Western movie where someone has to get out of Dodge before sundown. There is room for everyone who needs to mourn to be at the funeral.

[DN]

Well, the OP will have to come to her own decision. I still suggest asking if she is welcome and abiding by the answer she gets.

[JadedStar]

I think attending a funeral is open. I think they could be made private but i have always known them to be open for anyone who is grieving the loss.

 

Granted I never checked the laws on this.

 

When i have attended a funeral i tend to my own grieving. I don't scan the crowd for people whom i do not like or have an axe to grind with. It is a time i let that sort of thing go in the name of the person who passed.

 

A GREAT example that i hate to think about because i don't like thinking of my parents passing is i have two ex's from my past who i know are still close to them who will want to go. I'd rather not deal with this unpleasantness, but they have a right to pay their respects. If they sit in their own area and do not bother me i have no right to deny them the right to go.

 

I don't use someone's funeral as a way to make myself feel comfortable. It is a sad unpleasant circumstance no matter who attends.

 

And I am sure some disagree with this. I am just adding my opinion to weigh in for the OP and the OP can decide if this has merit or not.

[DN]

link removed

[JadedStar]

link removed

 

Unless i missed it, doesn't this passage kind of correberate that the survivors who are grieving being allowed to attend?

 

The law generally holds[citation needed] that the funeral rituals are for the benefit of the survivors, rather than to express the personal whims and tastes of the deceased.

 

if the funeral is mandated private, then she can't go regardless. But we don't know if that is the case ... unless i missed that post. And maybe i did.

[DN]

I think survivors would usually mean blood relatives.

 

If the funeral is public she may have the legal right to go. I suggest she doesn't have a moral or ethical right to go. But that is for her to decide if she thinks her need to be there is greater than his expressed desire to grieve without her presense.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Unless i missed it, doesn't this passage kind of correberate that the survivors who are grieving being allowed to attend?

 

 

 

if the funeral is mandated private, then she can't go regardless. But we don't know if that is the case ... unless i missed that post. And maybe i did.

 

I agree. That passage doesn't say anything about a family member deciding who can or can't show up. If the funeral is private that is one thing but for a funeral which is open to family, friends, co-workers, former classmates from 40 years ago etc, then he can't prevent her from coming unless he gets a restraining order on her. I do not believe this is a moral or ethical issue...going to someone's funeral to pay last respects is a good deed and a kind deed if you felt close to the person who died. It is not like being an uninvited guest at a wedding.

[DN]

I really am having a hard time understanding why anyone would advocate the OP attending a funeral where she is clearly not welcome. It's like crashing a macabre party.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really am having a hard time understanding why anyone would advocate the OP attending a funeral where she is clearly not welcome. It's like crashing a macabre party.

 

 

Her ex doesn't want her there but her ex is just one person. She was close to the mother and had a bond with her and wants to pay her last respects out of respect for this woman who was good to her and there is nothing wrong with her doing that as long as she stays out of her ex's way. She is not at all crashing a macabre party...she is showing respect for the woman who treated her well. There is no room for squabbles when someone dies..unfortunately some people can't put aside their pettiness to look at the big picture....which is why you get siblings fighting over inheritances while the parent is on the death bed. I am not advocating her going to the funeral to irritate her ex...I am advocating going to pay her last respects to the deceased who was very kind to her. This is about showing respect for the memory of the deceased and not letting pettiness get in the way.

[JadedStar]

DN, for me personally - and i share this in case others are like me - i go to funerals to pay last respects. I might not get along with everyone there but it is my hope that during such a sad time they will see it in their hearts to put the past behind them only for the short time of the ceremony.

 

I wuold surely do that if a guest showed up at a funeral of my loved one i didn't get along with. I would have to say well, this person loved my mother/father, how can I be so mean as to not allow him or her to pay respects?

 

Again, this is only my view and how i would look at it. I surely would NOT advocate she sit near the family or try to partake in small talk. yes that would be disrespectful. Sitting in the back in a corner if paying her respects is meaningful to her should be doable.

[DN]

He isn't just one person. He is the son of the woman who died and to make out he is just another mourner and his wishes are of no account is grossly unfair.

 

He needs to be at the funeral and has no alternative way of mourning. But the OP does not have that same need because she does have an alternative.

[JadedStar]

My only hope is that everyone get thru this with the least amount of pain possible. Of course i feel for the son and would not wish to see him go thru any unnecessary or extra hurt.

 

But the OP seems to want to pay respects too, so I am just looking at it from that view.

 

No matter how we slice it the circumstance is sad and very unpleasant for all involved.

 

If it were me i doubt seriously I would go. But i have a different view on funerals. I am okay to grieve in my own way if i need to...some poeple need to go and do the rituals.