sugarplum_pdx

My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. We had been together 3.5 years and living together. It ended when he suddenly decided it was over and began seeing someone from work (before we even broke up). I was severely hurt by this because he was really the only person I'd ever been in love with, first person I'd lived with, etc. We never really had total "no contact." I have not seen him in person since the breakup, but we've talked online almost the whole 2 years. There were some 2-3 month periods where we didn't talk, but never completely lost touch. Now, in the last several months, we talk more than ever. Just about our daily activities, TV shows, etc. We never talk about relationships but I know he has a girlfriend. I know I am still not completely over him because I still can't stand the thought of hearing about his girlfriend. It's really starting to bother me that he talks to me all the time yet we have no real friendship because there are too many tabboo subjects (i.e. anything that involves who he spends time with, who he lives with). We can't hang out or anything, because I know it would bother me to see or hear about his new gf. So I guess my questions are: 1) How can I stop having feelings for him after all this time? 2) What should I do about talking to him online? 3) Why do you think he still talks to me so much if he has moved on?

My birthday was a few days before Thanksgiving, and he didn't contact me for either one. We've been broken up for 8 months, but have been talking online fairly regularly for a while. We were getting along pretty well and I thought he would contact me on my b-day, but just 2 days before that day, I had an upsetting conversation with him. I called him to tell him I might be going to the same show he was going to one night, and he told me he was going with someone else. A girl. He wanted to warn me so I wouldn't be surprised. Well, needless to say, I didn't go to the show because I didn't want to see that. Anyway, it was an uncomfortable conversation and I think he felt bad and awkward and he stopped talking to me. I think that's why he decided not to contact me on my b-day. Finally today, a week later, he messaged me and asked how my b-day and Thanksgiving were. I just said "good." Didn't elaborate or ask how his was. It's pointless now, you know? I might've appreciated a birthday wish on the actual day, but to ask me a week later how it went is just hollow.

I totally understand how you all feel about not hearing from your ex on your birthday. I have been worried about how I'll feel on my b-day this year, and it's not for another few months. (My ex broke up with me in March and I'm still having trouble adjusting, although it's getting a lot better.) BUT, I just have to say, what good would it do if you did hear from him/her? Would it change anything? Would it really satisfy you to have them send you an email or something saying "Happy B-Day" but that's it? Probably not. I know that for me, it wouldn't help much. I am willing to bet that maybe my ex WILL wish me a happy b-day, but it'll be just that ... a simple wish, not "let's get back together." I'll say "thanks" and then that'll be it. What does it help? When it comes right down to it, aren't we hoping they'll remember our birthdays because we think it means something more? And I'm just trying to be realistic about the fact that sometimes it doesn't mean anything more. If you want to be in a relationship and they don't, no amount of birthday wishes is going to change it.

Thanks so much to all of you who replied! I really appreciate it. And you are all telling me what I needed to hear, even though I pretty much already knew it. He doesn't deserve to have me talking to him at all. And every time I do, he basically confirms that it's never going to be what I want it to be. And I'm trying to remind myself... I can do better than him, anyway. Even during the best times of our relationship, things were never ideal. I was always sort of "settling" for less than what I wanted. He was never emotional toward me, and he never made me feel appreciated. I was always left wishing for more love from him than I was getting. So I know I should be setting my sights higher, not wishing to get him back. Now I just need to remember to stick to this instead of slipping back again...

Brandell, I know you're right. I thought I was doing the right thing because I was usually only responding to his contact, not initiating it. And sometimes we'd go a week or two without talking at all. But I suppose that little bit of contact did keep me hanging on. The truth is that I didn't really WANT to completely move on. If there was a chance he'd change his mind, I wanted to be there. I can't figure out WHY he is that important to me, other than the fact that he was my first serious relationship. All I can figure out is that I'm having a hard time letting go of someone I was with for so long, even though he has treated me terribly. We had a lot of good times, but I spent a lot of time feeling disappointed by him too. And I'm especially disappointed by the way he chose to end things. I simply cannot figure out how to completely cut him out of my life and start over. It's all foreign territory to me. And I still miss him, despite everything.

So, my boyfriend of 3+ years broke up with me in March, and he had also started to cheat on me. He claimed that the relationship was over in his mind, and that's why he started to see someone else, and just hadn't gotten the guts to tell me yet. I found out he was cheating and that's how it ended. I didn't take it well at all. For whatever reasons, I was still very in love with him, even though things had not been great for a while. In the months since the breakup, I have tried to move on. I didn't completely cut contact, but I didn't pursue him or anything. I didn't check his online journal, I didn't try to find out about his life, I didn't call him over and over. He would contact me online fairly often ... never to talk about "us" or say anything meaningful, but just to make small talk. I guess part of me has still been holding on to the fact that he said he knew he might be making a mistake when we broke up. He said he knew I was good to him and that he might not find anyone else as good as me. But he still went through with it and hasn't looked back. Yesterday I was having a bad day because I have a medical issue right now and I wanted someone to lean on. I told him about it and he was sympathetic but just in a friendly way. I told him I missed him and that I was sorry for bugging him but I wanted to talk. He said it was okay, but he didn't respond to the "I miss you" part. I asked if he might be able to come over to see me, and he said "it depends on what you want out of it." He said if I just want to hang out and have fun, he would want to see me, but if I want to "dwell on the past," it would just be a "downer" and he doesn't want to deal with it. So there's my answer ... all this time I've been wondering if he might come back to me after time passed, and he's now made it clear that his decision is still the same after 5 months. He doesn't want to be there for me, to be in my life the way I want him to be. It just sucks so much. I am having so much trouble accepting this. I don't know how to move on.

H&P, I think you misunderstood me .... I didn't say I'm not eating. I was not eating as much for the first couple weeks after my breakup, but I am eating normally now. And in fact, I never went too long without eating even during those 2 weeks ... I know it is important to stay healthy. It's just that I didn't eat as much as I did before, and I lost some weight. Cooking and eating are two of my favorite things, so I would never give that up for long. The point of my post was that I've been doing positive things since my breakup. Losing weight was not the primary thing, but rather, a side effect that ended up being positive because I feel better at this weight than I did before.

Good idea for a thread ... instead of focusing on what we're doing to try to get someone back, or how bad we're feeling, it's nice to reflect on positive steps. Like most of you, I've lost some weight (although I can't say it was through exercise and discipline - it was mainly just that I didn't eat much for a couple weeks!) - probably 10 or 12 pounds. I've been going to therapy weekly and really looking at what makes me feel so dependent on my ex. I've been spending a lot of time with family and have planned a trip to California this month. I am seeking out new things like planning to take some cooking classes and learn Italian. I've gotten several books that I plan to delve into - not self help books (except one), mostly just novels that will take me away from my own problems. I have talked with a co-worker about getting together for dinner (a girl, but it's nice to make a new friend). I'm working on getting a car, which is a big step because right now I don't drive. Basically I'm just setting small goals and trying to do new things. I can't say I'm over my ex yet ... it's only been about 2 months. I'm still thinking about him constantly and I still cry a lot. But I at least have moments of feeling hopeful and positive.

Hi Scout, I have read a lot of your posts and I know that you and I experienced similar things ... I am glad that you appreciated my vent (well not glad, because it's too bad any of us have to feel this way, but you know what I mean!). I really don't know what we can do to understand the careless, senseless actions of the guys we loved. There are a million things mine could've done differently to make this at least a little easier ... he could've tried to be mature, respectful, and not burn all his bridges. But there's nothing I can do to change the choices he made. Well, hope you're hanging in there, and feel free to contact me anytime if you want to vent.

Lobster - Yes, I think that is what we both need ... to feel that they are the ones losing something, not just us. I don't necessarily believe in all the little "tricks" to get back your ex ... as in, acting like everything's great so your ex will be attracted again. Rather, I believe in actually trying to FEEL great, and not care if your ex is attracted again or not. I think that is the only way they really do want to come back ... when they know we don't need them anymore. And the best thing about it is, even if they don't come back, we'll be fine. So, being able to feel fine on your own is a win-win situation -- if you get him back, great ... but if you don't, you're still okay. I'm just glad I'm at the point where I have some control. Now that he doesn't have my stuff, and we've returned the keys, and both moved to new places, he has no "business" reasons to contact me and I am not dependent on him in any way. That was the best thing about telling him to drop my stuff at a friend's house -- proving I don't need him for anything. That was a switch, because when we first broke up I felt like I needed him for everything. I gave him the impression that I was gonna be lost without him and I wanted him to still have dinner with me and help me out with things. And he agreed to that, because I think it was good for his ego. But now I've told him no ... that's not happening. We aren't going to see each other until he's had a chance to think about what he did to me and what he's losing by dumping me. Keep hangin' in there ...

The longest I went without contact was a little more than a week ... and he was the one to contact me after that, but it was about him bringing over some stuff I left at the old house. I knew that was coming, and I was kinda dreading it because I didn't want THAT kind of contact with him .. i.e., contact that just reminds me that it's over! I ended up telling him to just take the stuff over to a mutual friend's house that he lives near... I said I'd just get it from the friend instead. I think he was shocked ... he was like "are you sure?" and I told him if he ever comes over to my place, it should be because he wants to see me and wants me to be in his life in some way. He said he agreed and said he'd rather come over when he can visit. I told him that if he ever had time to think about things and had anything to express to me, I would listen, but until then I wanted some distance. He said ok. I felt like I had some power in the conversation for once! I said what I wanted to say, but didn't get emotional about it, and I called the shots. Then after this weekend, the mutual friend told me he said "I guess she never wants to talk to me again" and acted sad about it. Ha ... Anyway, I think minimal contact is okay ... it depends on what kind of contact. Sometimes my ex will send me links to a web page that he thinks I'll want to read, or I will do the same. It doesn't bother me too much as long as it stays pretty non-personal. I do not wanna hear about anything he's doing like things he has bought for his new place or things he is doing without me. As long as I am maintaining my emotional distance for now, it's okay. The important thing is that I am taking this time to learn how to be on my own. As time goes by I feel less like I "need" him. I'm starting to feel more comfortable living alone. My goal is to feel truly fine about living on my own, and know that if I have a guy in my life (him or anyone else) it's just a bonus, not a necessity. I'm not there yet but I'm working on it. Well now I've talked way too much about myself but I hope that maybe you relate to some of what I've said and can take some kind of encouragement from it. I'm going through basically the same thing you are, though ... it's a day to day process.

Hi Lobster, I don't really have any answers but I wanted you to know I read your posts and I feel your pain. It hasn't even been quite as long since I got dumped by my ex, so I can't tell you how long it takes to get better. But I know exactly how you feel when you say you are feeling great one minute and then feeling so low the next. And how it doesn't really help to put the reminders of him out of sight. I think you're doing well ... just hang in there. Keep the contact with him to a minimum and keep it light, just to keep yourself from being hurt any more than necessary. Everyone has told me it gets easier with time, so that's all we can hope for, right? *hugs*

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know that a lot of you can identify with how I feel. Yes I know that I deserve better ... but I still miss what I had with him. I still can't help but care about him and think about how he's doing. I was talking to my friend about this subject last night, and saying how I couldn't believe he would give up everything that I offered him, in order to go back to living like he did before. She said it would hit him sometime and he would realize what he lost. It comforts me somehow to think that he'll regret losing me, even though I'm not sure I would get back together with him even if he wanted to. The idealistic part of me wants to think that he could change and we could get back together, but realistically, I know most people don't change. Why is it so hard to make myself accept that?

I wonder why, even after how my ex treated me, I'm able to feel sorry for HIM and wish I could reach out to him. I was thinking last night about how even though he is the more outwardly social one between the two of us, he really doesn't have many of what I'd consider close friends. He keeps his friendships fairly superficial. He also doesn't have any brothers or sisters, and isn't that close to his parents. When we were together, I was the only one who gave him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and was like his family. I come from a bigger, closer family ... I have 3 siblings and other extended family members. On holidays, we all make a big deal of it. We have many traditions and we just have a great time. We also do family things every year, like go camping together and take little trips to visit each other. My boyfriend became part of that when we were together. He seemed to really enjoy it. I tried to provide to him the type of home environment I'm used to ... with lots of good food, love, gifts and support. For a long time, it seemed like that's what he wanted. I just don't understand, how is his life better without me in it? He was opened up to a lot of things through me. A lot of foods he'd never had, a general appreciation for home cooking and wine and having a nice home. Before, he lived in a pigsty... he and his roommate never cleaned anything and didn't own anything nice. He came to really enjoy a different, more mature way of life with me. He said these things himself ... I didn't force any of it on him. But then he gave it all up ... to cheat on me with a 21 year old (he's 29), and to move back in with his former roommate (the pig), and live a lifestyle of hanging out in bars. I don't understand it. I added a lot to his life. He was growing as a person. Most of his friends said they could see he was happier with me than he'd been with anyone else. Everyone thought we'd get married. What happened?? Well, this is all rhetorical, because I know nobody can answer my questions. And more importantly, I'm supposed to be focusing on myself now, and not him. I can't force him to want what I want. I just thought he wanted the same things. All I can do is keep being myself, and remember someone else will appreciate what I have to offer. Thanks for letting me vent.

Rock, Yeah, I feel the same way. It's only been a little over a month since I moved out after my breakup, and I've tried to fill up as many weekends as possible with having family visit. I realize not everyone can do this. I'm lucky enough to have several family members relatively close ...well, 4-5 hours away. This weekend my sister was here, and next weekend I think my brother is visiting. That's the only way I keep from going crazy on weekends. I had one or two weekends where I was on my own, and even though I did go out a bit (had lunch or dinner with a friend), I spent way too much time in my apartment alone, thinking of my ex. The advice I have been given is the same as what people are saying in this thread -- Find something you enjoy, and pursue it. Find ways to treat yourself well. I've also been told that doing these things may not feel enjoyable at first but you have to do them anyway. For example, force yourself to go out for at least a few hours each day of the weekend, even if you don't feel like it. You can go out alone, during the day, or meet up with a friend for a couple hours. I find this hard because I only have a couple friends in town. I also can totally relate to what you said about not being sure about your direction in life now that the relationship is over. I, too, was talking about buying a house with my boyfriend. I thought my future would include him, and that we would buy a house and get a dog and build a life together. Now I'm living alone in an apartment and not sure what to do anymore. I still want the things I wanted before ... and now I have to find someone new to do those things with. Well, don't know if I was any help, but you're definitely not in this alone ... a lot of us are in the same boat. Hang in there.

Yeah, my ex was another one of those who put up plenty of red flags that I chose not to see. He didn't say he didn't want a relationship, but he said things about how he tends to make rash decisions that hurt people. He said he doesn't intend to cause people pain, but he's aware that he has on various occasions (in terms of relationships). He also showed that he can be very indecisive, changing his mind about who he wants to be with. He had a girlfriend before me that he dated for 8 months, then told her he wasn't in love with her, then came back and said he'd made a mistake, and then they broke up again after 4 months. At that time, he started spending time with another old gf, who ended up telling him she wanted to get back together officially, and then he turned her down, and she was destroyed. These are the kinds of things about his past that let me know how hurtful he can be in relationships. But somehow we tend to think we will be the one who's different ... And in some ways it seemed like things WERE different with us. We were together 3 years and a few months ... and like I said, he talked about buying a house with me. I think he was more serious with me than he'd been with anyone. I think I was the first girlfriend he had where there really were no complaints he could list about the other person. But he'd also say things about how he doesn't believe in marriage. sweetharmony, he said things like yours did about this being a messed up world and marriage is just a stupid legal or religious tradition that doesn't mean anything. Very cynical. And he wasn't romantic at all. But I still thought he was committed to me. He once told me that it was a huge deal for him to move in with me because he never would do that with someone he wasn't VERY serious about. Even up until a month before we broke up, he still made comments about buying a house ... he said if he got this new job, we should do it. Then everything just fell apart. He didn't get the job. He met some other girl at work (who's only 21, and he's 29) and started hanging out with her. Started sneaking around on me, planning to meet up with her, etc. I found his chat logs with her and confronted him, and that's when we broke up. He said he thought our relationship was over for a while but didn't know how to tell me. He gave me so many mixed signals in the past few months. And continued to do so even after we broke up ... saying he didn't know if he made the right decision. It all just sucks. Well, you asked for more of the story so there it is ... I also posted a thread in the "Healing after breakup/divorce" forum titled "Setback today, need encouragement" if you want to read that. Thanks for letting me vent.

Exactly, sweetharmony ... these guys have to learn how to compromise in a relationship. I told my ex when we were breaking up that if he couldn't make it work with me, he probably couldn't make it work with anyone. He agreed with me. There was nothing really wrong with our relationship from his side. He couldn't pinpoint anything that was my fault. I told him he wasn't going to find anyone easier to live with than me. All he could say is that I might be right, and he might regret his decision. But he still doesn't want to try, and that just makes no sense to me. Why would anyone want to give up what they know is a good thing? He's 29 and eventually he's going to want to settle down. I thought he wanted that already. He said numerous times that he wanted to buy a house with me. I used to question him about that because I didn't want to buy a house with someone unless he was SURE about things. He would always say that he figured we'd be together a very long time, and he felt like we were married already. He said he wouldn't even talk about that kind of thing with me if he didn't feel sure about it. So then what happened?! Grr. Anyway, I'm just venting now, hope Scout doesn't mind me taking over her thread. Hope you guys are doing okay today.

Hey, I can relate a lot to what both you and sweetharmony are saying. I am in a similar situation with my ex. Right now we are not making any plans to see each other, but he mentioned it yesterday ... he said something about getting together soon. Right now I don't want to do that, but I imagine that eventually I'll do it. And I have a feeling that it'll be similar to what happened with your ex -- it'll be comfortable and nice, but nothing will change. I know that he cares about me -- he told me when we were breaking up that it's NOT because he doesn't care about me or find me attractive... he just doesn't think it's working out for us to be in a committed relationship. So I guess we have to accept it when they tell us that. As you said, there's no sense fighting to get back into a relationship, when we'd be the only ones fighting for it. They know we care ... they know that they have the power in this situation. If they wanted a relationship they'd make it known. I also can totally relate to how you wrote the email to him, trying to clarify your feelings and his ... and then deleted it. For some reason we feel like if we say everything just right, somehow we'll make them understand, and they'll figure out what they want ... like have a revelation. But they won't! If they wanted what we wanted, we wouldn't need to prompt them to say it. They'd do it on their own. It sure is hard to accept that sometimes. But you did a good thing by not sending the email. Hang in there and keep us posted!

Well, not talking to him lasted less than one day ... he messaged me today and was talking about some things I left at his house. He asked me if I needed any kitchen stuff, and I said no thanks, I bought plenty of new stuff. So he asked me to tell him about my new kitchen ... said it sounded great ... Then he asked me if I wanted to hear about his new place. I said not right now. We talked about his cat, who I had come to think of as my cat too when we lived together. I told him I missed the cat ... he said "I know" and acted sympathetic. I apologized for calling him yesterday, and he said "please don't apologize for that" and then he said "we'll hang out soon." I told him I don't know if we should, and he said he'd leave it up to me. So, it was okay, but I'm just not sure how to deal with him. Every time I make a vow to not talk to him anymore, I end up hearing from him. I know he is just trying to be friends. I don't think I can be his friend right now though. He betrayed my trust and he destroyed my feelings by dumping me. How come he can act so understanding and cool about everything, as if he is such a good guy, yet he couldn't find the decency deal with our relationship better when we were in it?

I agree that too much resentment is not a good thing. But anger at your ex and remembering why you broke up is healthy. It's better than sitting around thinking about the good things and pining for him. My point is, yesterday I was miserable all day because all I could do was think about being with him and wish things could be that way again. I even wrote him a long email (but didn't send it), reminding him of the good times we had and asking why he doesn't want me in his life anymore. Talking to my friend about his bad qualities and his inability to appreciate me is what snapped me out of my delusion. So, in this case I think the resentment was good, even though I agree that it can be bad if you dwell on it too much. I think in time I may be able to have a friendship with my ex. And I will always care for him and remember the good times. But right now it's better for me to keep some distance and remind myself that he's not the greatest "catch" in the world anyway ... and he has no right to make me feel bad about myself.

Scout, It seems like you're saying you know it might be a mistake, but you want to do it anyway. If that's the case, nobody can tell you what to do. But remember this -- deciding not to see him right now will not necessarily mean you can't ever be friends with him. I just think you need more time before you see him because it's likely to end up hurting you right now. I've had to tell myself exactly the same thing -- whatever my relationship with my ex ends up being, it doesn't have to be decided right now. I can go for months without seeing him, and if we're meant to be friends in the long run, we will be. You can always look him up later when you've had time to move on and do other things. You're not necessarily "burning bridges" if you decide not to meet with him right now. And you're exactly right when you say "why would he treat me any better now that we're not dating?" I realized the same thing yesterday. My ex let me down, and I realized, he's exactly the same. Nothing has changed in the month since we broke up (how could it?). He always let me down when we were together, and he still does now. He's even less likely to treat me well now that there are no obligations. It sucks, but it's true.

Thanks Jen and Kayc. Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had since we broke up. I thought I was never going to feel better. And I still feel terrible, but at least a little better. I was talking to a friend online who knows my ex as well. She said some things that really helped me. She made me remember that he's the one with the problems, not me. I can't compensate for his shortcomings and his unwillingness to try. And love shouldn't always be work ... I should be with someone who makes me feel good and lets me know I am appreciated. I remembered all the things about my ex that made me unhappy ... how he would make me feel unattractive and never showed me any emotion. He wasn't sentimental AT ALL. I don't know why I even care about him at all. He's not worth it.

Your situation doesn't sound too different from mine, as far as his attitudes and him being "fine" with everything so quickly. My ex is like that too ... when I talk to him, it seems like he is doing just great and doesn't have any regrets or any trouble dealing with the relationship being over. Anyway, I'm getting the feeling that you will be upset if you go through with the meeting. It will probably go just as you suspect -- he will be totally neutral yet friendly, and give you the impression that he is happy with his decision to break up with you. And even if you wouldn't take him back anyway, you will still feel depressed because you want him to want you back. I understand this because I feel that way too. So I think after you see him, you might feel like you're starting over with moving on. You said "I feel like he wants this meeting so he can reassure himself that I'm fine with everything, so he won't have to feel like the *bleep* that he is." Do you want to give him that satisfaction? I know I wouldn't. I'm struggling with that too. At times I've wanted to see my ex, but most of the time I just don't want to even let him know anything about how I'm doing, or give him the idea that everything's "okay" now. I have to get stuff back from my ex as well, and he offered to bring it over. He said "I could just leave it outside if you'd rather not see me." And even though on one hand it killed me to say I don't want to see him (because I do, in a way!), I said I thought he should just drop it off outside. I know I'll feel worse if I see him. I just know it. And I think you probably will too. But you should do what you think is right ... all situations are different. Let us know how it goes.

I've posted in response to a few other people, and mentioned my situation, but haven't started my own thread til now. The brief version of my story is that my boyfriend broke up with me last month after I found out he'd started cheating. He hadn't had sex with her yet but he'd been sneaking around to be with her and they'd done everything up to actual sex (and it was just a matter of time til they did that, but I happened to find out first). We had been together over 3 years and were living together. He said he had been planning to break up with me, but he seemed unable to just do it. He took the cowardly route and started something with a co-worker before ending it with me. He says he doesn't necessarily want a relationship with her, and part of the reason he was breaking up with me was because he knew he wasn't giving me what he should be after 3 years ... he is in a band and he has a lot of recording and touring planned for the upcoming year and knew he'd be neglecting me a lot. He thinks he doesn't have time for a relationship right now. He also just has a real problem with showing emotion or letting anyone know about his feelings. A whole mess of things is what led up to our breakup ... almost all due to his issues, which he admits. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but I tried my best in the relationship and I know I was a good partner to him. He told me before I moved out that he knew he might be making a mistake by breaking up with me. He said he knew he might not find anyone else that was as good for him as I was. He said he thought distance might be the only thing to make him realize that. Anyway, I moved out and got my own apartment about a month ago. Every day has been hard, but some more than others. I keep thinking in the back of my head that he'll regret what he did and he'll want me back. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I at least want him to show he cares and show he misses me. This morning I was feeling really sick and I was scared that I might need to be taken to the doctor. I don't have many close friends in town and of course my ex was the person I thought to call. Up until now, I haven't been the one initiating much (if any) contact. But I called him this morning hoping he could come over and keep me company in case I needed to go to the doctor. He didn't call me back for a few hours, and then he said he couldn't come over because he was getting ready to move and only had a couple days to pack. I said ok, and that was it. As soon as I got off the phone I felt such emptiness. This is why they say "no contact" is better. I wished I hadn't called him at all. I feel in some ways like I'm back to square one. Talking to him made me realize that all this time I'd been kind of hoping he'd want to see me and waiting for some kind of sign, even though on a conscious level I know I shouldn't be with him anyway. Just feel really bad right now. Any support would be appreciated.

I'm feeling down today. My boyfriend dumped me a month and a half ago, and was also cheating. I've had good and bad days, but last night I had a bunch of dreams about him, and in the dream he was always leaving me for her again. I woke up and couldn't think about anything else except the events of the last days that I was with him, when I found out about him cheating. And even after I found out, I went to my mom's for the weekend to get away from him (we lived together), and while I was gone he slept with the other girl again, even though I asked him to please wait until I moved out. He just continued to do more and more things to hurt me. It's just really hard to accept that someone you loved could treat you so badly. And to make things worse, I still care for him ... a lot. I can't stop thinking about him, despite how badly things ended.