Lobster

Don't worry about replying here, I can see the similarities... apart from a few in my case, being... We didn't mutually agree to separate, he walked out on me, and didn't even have the guts to tell the truth about why he was doing it - I had to find that out the hard way He already has someone else - she's the one he left me for, and they're still together over a year later - I won't go into how I know this (too long winded), but I do The divorce is already going through We haven't seen each other face-to-face for about 5 months now The last contact we had was me texting him to ask him to pick up his stuff from the garage (I made sure to be out when he called - and even then he didn't take it all!) I haven't dated anyone, or even met anyone - I'm still not ready by a long way and besides, I don't even get out to meet anyone (this is explained somewhere in this long rambling thread!). I can count on one hand the number of times I've been out since he left - and three of those were work-related do's . I really don't see anything changing as far as the 'relationship' is concerned. It's dead and gone now, well, almost. I still miss him sometimes, but I try not to think about it as I see that as being a waste of my time and emotions, also as being a backward step on my road to recovery. I'm sorry I sound so negative, but I'm just facing up to the fact that it's over for me; hopefully you will fare better in your situation. I really hope things work out for you - it's too late for me, I know that - you sound like you have a good handle on things. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you .

Hi everyone, I'm still alive and getting on with things . The divorce is now going through - he was going to serve on ME for MY unreasonable behaviour... so I got in first, more for my own peace of mind than anything else. My income is so low I qualify for Legal Aid or whatever it's called... so at least that's something. It's a very slow process, what with the house matters also having to be sorted and what not, but I'm just leaving everything up to my solicitor. Yesterday was the first anniversary of him leaving me. It was a bit of a milestone; I thought that if I can get through a year, I'm going to be ok. Hope everyone's well .

Hi Ticklebug, thanks for your reply and advice; yes, this is a long-running saga... he left in February and I have been posting here since April... I won't be signing anything, I haven't answered any of their questions (though I have asked them plenty of my own in my two letters, haha!), and will definitely be getting legal advice in the New Year (I can't really afford it, but I have no choice ). I have more knowledge about legal matters than they think I do... I'm just not letting on .

Hi all, have had a second letter, basically saying the same thing... none of the questions I asked in my reply to the first letter were answered (no surprise there, then ), though his solicitor has informed me of how much my ex thinks the house is worth... and it's a totally ridiculous figure! There's no way the house is worth as much as he's telling them... I have decided (after speaking to my parents) to call his bluff on that one - I have said that if he pays me half of his figure, and repays what my parents are owed, he can have the house. I intend to get a solicitor of my own after the New Year (which HE can bloody well pay for seeing as I have nothing, not a bean)... let the games begin 8). Oh, and Merry Christmas, one and all

Hi all, well, about 2 weeks ago I had my first letter from his solicitors ... It said that I may be aware that they have been advising him in relation to our "unhappy matrimonial affairs". Nice. It goes on to say "our client is anxious to resolve the financial position between the parties" (I'll bet he is), "and would like to do this on an amicable basis, if at all possible" (WHY should I be amicable? He has made this thing so long and drawn out, and made me think all that time that there may have been a chance of sorting things out - WHY should I make it easy for him? He even waited almost 9 months to get round to telling me he wanted a divorce... ) They want to know my "view on the value of the property", to see "an outstanding mortgage statement and details of your income, expenditure and other assets to include your pension". I am so mad right now. I did some working out the other night, and for the last 9 years I was contributing 46% of my monthly wage to the joint account; he was contributing 36% of his - and he is on ALOT more than me. He now seems to think he's due to 50%, when he NEVER put 50% IN... either money or effort wise. Assets? Assets?! I HAVE none. How could I save anything when I was putting everything I could into the house/bank account?! As for my pension... it's probably worth diddly squat anyway... what's going on? This is just ridiculous... I am sooo angry!!! I hate to say this, but, I intend to fight this. There's no way I will just hand over 50%, and rights to my pension, after what he's put me through. No way on God's earth. He abandoned me, our marriage, and the marital home, without a thought for anything or anyone but himself. I have coped with all of this alone, with a meagre "supplement" of £140 from him once a month... Now, it appears he wants to be compensated?! I think if anyone should be entitled to compensation it should be me... I waited, hoped, hurt, suffered, and cried; and this is what I get. This sucks. Big time. Any thoughts, anyone?

Hi Muneca, I agree when you say I care about my relationships... however, lately I have been concerned that I may never feel like being in one again after all this; what I mean is, if someone who I thought loved me and would be there forever can do something like this, then there's a chance it could happen all over again. I feel a protective wall being built around my feelings with every day that passes, and I'm scared that if the time for a new relationship ever comes that no-one will be able to break it down - and that I won't let them even try to, either. Is it wrong of me to feel like that? I feel angry at him for causing me to have these fears. I have never been a vindictive person but to my shame, I sometimes find myself hoping that some day, someone will make him feel as desperate and useless as he made me feel; that they will hurt him just so he knows what it's like and what he's left me with... and having these feelings makes me not like myself very much at all... I'll try to be strong and keep my chin up though; nothing else I can do really. I'll worry about everything else when the time comes. Thanks again for your advice and understanding. I think my Doc was right about the 'rough diamond' theory .

Here's hoping! I know I still feel down at times (better than 'all the time' like before), but I am becoming more able to cope with this stuff with every day that passes... I will also remember this... there's no point in believing things will change (IF he changes his mind that is) after one outburst of regret and apology etc... repeated, repeated, repeated... that is what I will need to hear/see, should the situation arise... Man! This place is the best ever! How could I have been away for so long?

Shocked... your reply has given me a huge lump in my throat... and a huge smile on my face . I am finally starting to tell myself that I do deserve better, after so many months of beating myself up about everything... I forgot to mention in my post that I also went to see my Doctor a few weeks ago, just to talk about things, and he said that I should pity XXXXXX, and even forgive him, because he does not know what he has lost. Hearing that gave me some kind of inner strength too (I have had the same Doctor since the age of 3 and am almost 35, so he knows me very well!). He also said that when I have come through this, my inner strength and resolve will be so emanating, people may shy away but at the same time, be attracted to that. He used a lovely analogy... he said 'people are born like rough diamonds. Every trial and tribulation they go through creates another facet. These things shape them and polish them. And when you think there is no hope, the light will shine from you and people will be drawn to you, and there will be nothing you can do about it. You will be strong and polished and perfect, and you will be something that people are drawn to'. How lovely is that? It sounds selfish (but, hey, I feel I have the right to feel like that right now), but I do hope he gets the 'cold feet' 'might be making a mistake' feeling, because if that happens, he may realise what an utter s**t he's been, and what he's (almost ) lost. IF he changes his mind, there's going to be alot of convincing he will need to do... if not, well, I will keep telling myself as long as I need to... HIS loss... and whatever I deserve will come to me, whenever/however that may be... I am so glad you are still around... you have given me so much help, support, and inspiration... I love this place... it's like coming home

Hi guys... it's been a while ... Well, nothing's changed. It's all very business-like these days... get the odd email to ask things like, can I leave his video machine in the garage so he can collect... which I have done. I emailed back to say he can pick up whenever he likes (he still has a key). Changed the locks (for reasons which will become obvious); didn't see why he should ever need to be in the house again now that he's made his mind up. I arranged a meeting with him a few weeks ago (in a quiet local pub - no way I wanted it to be in the house for obvious reasons); said I had some stuff I needed to get off my chest, face to face, before all the 'legal' stuff started. Talked about quite alot of things - I asked 'why' (just got the old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line), asked if there had been someone else (he still denied it, even though I still think there must have been some sort of catalyst to set this whole thing in motion way back in February); asked why it had taken him so long to come to his decision, and why he couldn't have been straight with me when he first left so that I could start 'healing'... he said that he needed this long to figure out whether or not he'd miss me... and... he realised he didn't Yeah, XXXXXX, thanks for that. Back to the locks thing... he actually managed to get in the house (this was before the meeting) one day while I was at work... not sure how, as I always lock the porch (which he has no key for). So, I get in from work, fill the kitchen sink to do the dishes, go into the lounge to turn the stereo on and listen to the radio... the stereo was gone. He didn't even have the decency to tell me he was going to come for it. Apart from that, I was really angry - he should have known what kind of reaction I would have when I realised the stereo was gone - I thought for a few minutes that I'd been burgled!! It was an awful feeling, and totally unneccesarry to put me through that!! He's been spineless from the beginning about stuff like this. Can't face me it seems. He even waited until I was in Paris (in March) to come and get his clothes etc (while I was in Paris he texted me saying he loved me and missed me... this was 2 weeks after walking out on me - playing with my head or what?). He'd also taken his stuff from under the stairs... so at least I don't have that to worry about anymore. I rang him that night... I couldn't help it... I said 'how dare you come here and do this... how did you get in? (he said I'd left the porch unlocked - how convenient, huh?) how dare you come into MY house and do this, I panicked, I thought I'd been burgled'... I got the line I was expecting... 'I still pay towards the mortgage, it's still my house too'... well I kind of snapped. I said, 'yes, you pay towards the bricks and mortar, and we both know why. This is MY HOME, how dare you come in here... you left, you have no right to be here. If you want your things you either arrange a time to come and get them, or I put them in the garage and you collect them'. He apologised (!) and agreed with me... he said he could see my point of view and that it would never happen again. Anyway, before we had this 'meeting', I bagged up all the Christmas/Birthday/Valentines cards he'd given me over the last 9 years, and gave them back to him the night of the meeting (in the carpark afterwards - didn't think it would be right to dump them on him in front of loads of other people - I am bigger than that). Gave him back various other things that I couldn't bring myself to throw away, but at the same time didn't want to keep - lots of photos of us on holiday, at bike rallies, family parties etc. I feel like I need to cleanse my life of him, however much it hurts... I need to do that. Is that an odd thing to do? Sorry this post is not very ordered - I had alot to get out and have a hard time lately putting things in order/making sense of all this... So. In a nutshell, this seems to be it. Finito. Full stop. It still hurts, but at least I know what's happening now. At least I know not to secretly hope we will ever be together again. It's still going to take a while, I know that. I read somewhere once (on this forum maybe) that for every year you were together, you should equate that to a month to 'get over it'. But, when they only come to their decision 8 months after leaving, to me, that's when the healing starts. So, I have a long way to go. I'll try and post a bit more often too. I have missed you guys, your advice, and the boosts you give me when I am down. Any comments welcome, especially those of you who know my story right from page one . Big love x

I was right... he's been to see a solicitor (on Monday apparently). He wants a divorce . I agreed with him (even though my brain was screaming "but I LOVE you!"). I said, "I think it's the best thing for us both". I think he was a bit surprised I said that. I was surprised I managed to say it at all. He stayed for about an hour and a half. We talked about lots of things... what did I want to do about the house? Did I want to wait 2 years, or find some reason for a 'quickie' divorce? I told him I would need some time to work things out and decide how things would go... I asked him if he could now finally get his stuff that's still here (under the stairs). I didn't even know, but he's actually taken his bike to his parents' house now; just shows how often I go in the garage! I really don't think this will sink in for a while yet. I prepared myself for the worst, and I'm glad I did, or I would be in such a state right now. As it is, however, I just feel... numb. Hollowed out. Lightheaded. He apologised. Quite a few times. At one point, I joked and said, "I hope you realise I'm still expecting a birthday present seeing as I got you one! (July)". I tried to retain my dignity and self respect. Of course, I got a little teary eyed at some points, but there was no begging, no pleading, no trying to change his mind (what would be the point anyway?). He hugged me before he went. I couldn't help it... I kept my arms folded and didn't hug him back. He hugged me tighter. He smelled my hair... he waved as he drove away. I didn't wave back. I just watched him go and came back inside. I need to talk to my parents before I decide anything about the house etc. The mortgage is with them, not with a bank, etc. He said "I can't stay where I am forever, can I?" ie, he wants his 'half' of whatever (he thinks) he's entitled to, so he can get his own place. It's all so... final. My parents are away at the moment travelling. They have been away for 4 weeks now, and are not due back until the middle of next month. I'm not sure I'll tell them about this until they get back - I don't want them to worry about me, I don't want to spoil their break, and also there's nothing they could do right now from where they are. I may wait until they return to tell them about what's happened tonight. So. After 7 months of uncertainty, heartbreak, NC/sporadic contact, hope, and despair... this is it. It hurts .

Maybe the time difference has caused a bit of confusion here Shocked... our 'talk' is Thursday night (ie after the interview, thank God). Still, not sure if I'll be at 100% during it (the interview I mean)... will try and keep focused on what I am trying to achieve . Muneca, I will try my best to let him lead the conversation/subject matter etc. If he asks how I feel about him, I will say "I'm not sure after everything that's happened in the last 7 months"... and not say "I'm not sure, after what you did to me" etc. May try and tell him I'm confused etc... because I know that if I say that, he'll probably say "what about the letter you wrote me" (the one I wrote about 2 or 3 weeks after he left me, the letter that took me hours to write, that was stained with tears and that I hand delivered at 6am to his sister's to make sure he got it)... he'll probably still think I feel that way (even though I do to an extent). But that was then. This is now. Wish me luck everyone. What with the interview, and the the 'talk', I have a very big day tomorrow, whatever the outcome(s). Will update as soon as I can

Thanks for your advice again, Shocked . It really couldn't have happened at a more difficult time to be honest... I have a job interview early tomorrow morning so I'm trying to concentrate on that, do a bit of research and get my head together; then I have all this going on, too. If it's about divorce, am I supposed to agree? I read that somewhere on here... that if you say something like 'yes, I can see why that would be best for both of us', it makes them think, 'hang on a minute - am I right? Why are they agreeing so easily when they are supposed to love me so much?'. I just want to be prepared for every eventuality... I am trying to go through my responses, in my head, to what he may say, but I am also trying to get prepared for my interview and get geared up for that... life is so draining sometimes. *sigh*

Hi guys, there's been a bit of a development... hope you can help/advise... So, last night when I got home from my swim (which I really enjoyed too ), I logged onto the PC. Now, from time to time I still have a look at the forum where he posts, and last night under his messages, his (new) quote read "I hate myself more than I love you". Odd. Don't know if it was meant for me to see, and if so, what I was meant to think. Anyway, I got it into my head (seeing as he's had the same old quote for a while) that it was meant for me. So, on my forum (which I wasn't sure he even looked at anymore), I changed mine to "Those who hate themselves will never be truly capable of loving another". Ooh, profound . About half an hour later, I looked at his forum again to see if anything had changed... he had changed his quote again, to "Who said we wanted to?" . That's when I knew he was definitely still keeping up to date on my forum/posts. And, if his original quote hadn't been meant for me, how come he checked to see if I responded, then changed his quote again, too? So, I changed mine again, to say "No one ever said anyone wanted to do anything. A statement is a statement; nothing more, nothing less". Later on, he had no quote at all... and still hasn't. Anyway, today he texted me. He said "Need to come and talk is tonight ok?". I had stuff to do and was working late anyway, so rather than text him back I rang him and said I was busy, tomorrow would be better. I asked if it wasn't something that could be discussed over the phone (knowing quite well it obviously wasn't - he's never said anything before about needing to 'talk'), and he just said "no". I am now petrified it is all going to be ending. That the 'talk' is about solicitors. Divorce. Any number of not-good things. I keep thinking, what did he mean in his quotes? Why did he say he hates himself? What did he mean when he said "Who said we wanted to?" ? Did he mean he doesn't want to love anyone else but me, or did he mean he doesn't want to love anyone at all? Argh!! Sorry this is so long winded, but those of you who know my story will realise this is a big thing to me. Really big. And I'm scared .

So the courses at college were meant to be starting tonight... I had a phone message from them last week letting me know ALL 3 courses had been cancelled due to 'lack of interest'. Great, just great . There was I after 7 months in the wilderness, finally getting spurred on to do 'something' with my time, looking forward to meeting all these new people, widening my circle of friends, learning some stuff and having some fun... and that happens. I refuse to let it get me down though; I've decided that I will just go to the leisure centre more seeing as I have no classes to go to! Even though I won't meet as many people there as I would have at college (it's a very small club), it'll still be getting me out of here, and getting me fit and toned up, which is something I've been wanting to do for a while - before he left, even. I am going tomorrow night for a 'late swim', and getting a membership while I'm there to make myself stick at it! Apart from that, still feeling pretty positive. Still NC (better for me that way right now I think - still not strong enough to see him without getting upset). Still job-hunting (had an interview last week - no luck - but "their loss" is what I tell myself! ). Applied for 8 more last week too; something will turn up if I just keep plugging away, I'm sure. Hope everyone's doing well; love to all

Thanks, Shocked I finally feel ready to do these things... in much the same way as you descibed your own situation, I also stayed in limbo - stayed ready to 'go back'. Now, though, I am ready to go forward. Good for you buying for your new TV (I hope you got an even better model than your 'old, new one'! ). "it will be 2nd fiddle to my focus on me until I see evidence that SHE is putting me/us first" - never more true words spoken! The way I have seen myself since he left has been the 'me' that was half of 'us', not the 'me' I am now; the 'me' I need to work on being; the 'me' he's been a fool to let go of... I suppose it's only natural that us dumpees get to this stage eventually, although after differing lengths of time, with a hell of alot up ups and downs along the way... I have now reached that point, and it looks like you have too! How great are we?! You keep it up too, Shocked! We're in this for the long haul, whatever the outcomes may be!