Phoenix_girl

Hey All, Just an update. My friend and I are talking and things seem to be ok. He says everything is fine, but i feel distant from him now. I always felt so close to him, but now i feel like there is this big gap. I worry that if i try to talk to him we'll get into another fight and i dont want that. Ive been really down lately and really need a friend to talk to - he's usually the one i go to, but now i dont know if i can.

Hi, Last night i had a really big fight with my best friend. Hes been really down lately and a lot of his anger kept building up until it just exploded at me. He's just broken up with his girl friend but last night she was talking to him about getting back together. He told me about the problems he had had with her and even though i gave him my opinion on what he should do, i told him to do whatever makes him happy. well he went off, for what reason i dont know. He started saying that im always telling him what to do and wanting to make his decisions for him. He took anything i have ever said to him about the situation and turned it in a manipulation tactic. He has never gone off on me like this before and it kind of scared me. Im not sure what to do. Im hoping it hasnt hurt our friendship, but im just not sure how to cope. He basically said that i deserved what he was throwing at me (exact words were "and dont think you dont deserve this"). I have always tried to be there for him, but last night i felt like he honestly hated me (but he says he doesnt). How can i deal with this and still let him know im there for him? I dont want to get into another fight with him. How do i tell if things are ok between us?

Hey, I have just a quick question - how do i get my ex boyfriend back? We have been broken up for almost a year now, but we still have an amazing friendship. I am currently with someone, but that relationship is going bad and I am not sure if it will last. My ex has just broken up with his gf. My ex and i have no problem about talking about whatever is on our minds and we always have fun together. I have changed a lot since we dated. The thing is he says he cares about me but not in that way and that he doesnt want a relationship with me. I dont want to ruin the friendship, but is there anyway for me to win him back?

Dear Never_back_down, Well you know who i am. We've been through a lot together, including depression. We both suffer from it and have talked about it. I think the seasons and lack of sunlight in the winter does affect your moods, but i think it is more of a general problem. I am pretty sure your suffering from depression, though i am not certified to make diagnosis. We've talked and i have see first hand your moodiness, fatigue, insomnia and all the other symptoms. I have been in counselling for 2 years and i have been diagnosed with mild depression and i have pretty much all the same symptoms as you do. but you can learn to deal with it. For me personally it has involved going to see a counsellor when i feel exceptionally down. Through the milder times i find ways of destressing such as talking to my friends, going out and just taking some time for myself. You said some events trigger your depression. Unfortunately this is a part of life. traumatic and upsetting events can and do cause depression and there really isnt a way to avoid it, but there are ways to help aleviate the symptoms. Talking is the big one. Depressions can last from a few days to a few weeks and they are never easy. they take their toll on your life, your routine, the things you enjoy and your friendships, especially if you try to conceal your problems from the people who care about you. I find reflection can be a big help. Sitting and taking some to look at your life as it as in that moment and seeing if there is any reason y you may be feeling depressed. Sometimes even the smallest thing can do it - a phone call from my parents can easily send me into a depression. If there doesnt seem to be any reason, then just take comfort in knowing that if you feel this down now, then things can only get better. Right? I know it seems like things will never get better, but they will and it will happen a lot quicker if you talk things out with people you trust instead of keeping everything in. when you are depressed make it your goal to beat it. Your name is Never Back Down - so dont back down from depression. face it head on and conquer it - i know you can. I havent beaten my depression yet, i still have bouts on and off. But i am a lot better then i used to be. But the progress i have made has only happened because i wanted it to. I made it my mission. You are on the right path - reaching out and asking for help is the beginning. I do encourage you to talk to your doctor or school counsellor, they are valuabel resources. And always, always remember that you have friends all around you that are always thre for you and care deeply for you. I care about you and i am always here for you. Talk to us whenever you need to. Together we can beat our depression and be free to life as we want to. Never Back Down from anything. Phoenix

I have a feeling you are starting to gain some insight into things. I think you're gonna be ok. Just keep your cool and a clear head. *hugs*

I want to say patience is a virtue, but i would be hypocrit, i am far from being patient. Drinking is never a good thing, I know. whenever i get stressed i drink and it always ends up hurting things (but you knew that right? ). When you say its over do you mean the chance on getting her back?

Hey there, lets calm down and take a few deep breaths. I kind of know where you're coming from with this. I persoanlly don't agree with the No contact rule - if i had follwed that with my ex then i would have lost my best friend. Now let me try and help you out. I think its good that you keep talking to her - it keeps the lines open and keeps some form of a relationship going. As for why she calls you everyday well she may be trying to get to know you again - learn new things. She may be trying to figure out what you like to do, where you go, ect ect. Wants to learn what your all about. Now im not a mind reader so i cant say this is the truth, its just my opinion. My suggestion - if you want to get back with her just take it slow. Do the friendship thing for a while. Talk and get to know each other. I know from personal experiance that talking with an ex can rekindle old feelings. You may find one of two things happens - 1) you accept just friendship, it could become one of the best friendships you ever have or 2) she gets to know you and decides to come back. She may have some of her own issues to work out right now and may feel that a relationship is hindering that. Let her know you there for her if she ever needs to talk. Try going for coffee as friends or go for a walk somewhere - talk and just enjoy each others company and let whatever happens happen - you cant force anything. If you know when shes gonna call try to be around at that time or perhaps just mention to her if you wont be and maybe she can try calling another time. You'll be fine - women can be complex (as one, i should know) - we dont always know what we want or what we're ready for. But a guy with patience can be a rare find. Hang in there Feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk.

Hi, I have a question about talking to a guy about more foreplay before sex. My boyfriend and i have been sleeping together for about 6 months now. He is bigger then average and since its distanced we dont see each other that often and it still hurts when he first starts pushing into me. He is my second sexual partner. My first partner was more "playful" - we cuddled and made out more. It seems with my current boyfriend we just go right to sex, and i feel i need more foreplay and "playtime" but he says the we arent in highschool anymore. Hes a very serious person and this sometimes clashes with my playful side. How can i get my boyfriend to be more open to "playful" time before sex - i really think it would help with the pain issue (he knows its painful and tries to go slow but he gets frustrated about it easily). Also - as i said he is bigger then average and sometimes i get like a pain in my back or lower abdomen that feels like cramping - is this normal? Thx.

I agree it is hard to put your feels aside and just be friends, but sometimes in the long run its for the best. I care deeply for a good friend of mine, we dated but in the end it didnt work out. He knows how i feel but he doesnt feel the same and that hurts, but I wouldnt do anything to jeopardize the friendship. Id rather have a friend and keep my feelings to myself, then try and pursue something and end up loosing my best friend. You need to consider what you have to loose and gain in this situation.

Hey Guys, The for all of the support. I know that it is important to talk to those around me but wuite honestly i find it extremely difficul to talk in person about my past. Other then with my counsellors I have only ever talked about my past through e-mails and on messenger and sometimes on the phone. I know it is probably extremely important that i talk to my bf, but he gets angry about it (not at me, just about the situatuion) and this makes it hard to talk to him and honestly i have been afraid to really talk about it with him. I was always raised to believe emotions were for the weak and i was quite often punished for showing emotion. Talking about my past is something that is extremely emotional for me and Im afraid that people will think less of me if i get upset about it. I have been told that i should be over what happened by now, but it just isnt that easy. Should i talk to my friends and bf about how i feel about talking about my past??

Well Never_Back_Down it can be tough looking at spending Valentines day alone. I am facing the same thing. Is it selfish to want to be with the one you care about? No, it isnt. I'm sure your gf wants to be with you for valentines day, but perhaps there is an obstecle in the way that wont let her go see her grandma any other day. Be patient - im sure she will appreciate a wonderful surprise when she returns to you and I am pretty sure that she knows how lucky she is to have you and enjoys every minute with you. Take it from a girl who knows you pretty well - if she knows a good guy when she sees one, she'll stick around for a long while. Hang in there and be patient. Long distance is hard but if you stick it out the rewards will be worth it.

My first bf was about average size and my current bf is larger. I agree - size doesnt matter, its all in knowing what your doing. It hurt with my current bf and sometimes still does. But i didnt experiance any pain with my ex. Both were good lovers. So no, if you know what you are doing (and sometimes even if you dont), size doesnt matter.

Hi, I am not really sure where to start with this, but i guess i should start at teh beginning. I was sexually and physically abused by my father all through my childhood (4-16). When i was 17 i was set up at a "friends" party and ended up being raped by 2 of her friends and then a few months later was nearly raped by another friend. Needless to say i was extremely depressed at this point. I was suicidal and tried to kill myself on at least 2 occasions. My mom new what my dad did to me but ignored it till she found out that i had told a family friend and then she sent me to counselling but has never believed it happened. I spent 2 years in counselling and still go once in a while. It was really hard for me to learn to trust anyone, especially men, and i didnt really learn till i went away to University. I started dating in university and met a really great guy. We dated for a few weeks and then he broke up with me but we are still really close and he is my best friend. I am now with someone new and we've been together for about 6 months. Both my best friend and my current boyfriend know what happened to me and are really mad about it. Even though i have greatly improved and have pretty much put everything behind me, there is still somethings that are causing problems. I still have nightmares from the abuse. The authorities were never contacted and so i still see my father and i will admit minor occurrences still exist between me and him. I am terrified of being abandoned and rejected. Im clingy, needy and this has had a really bad effect on my relationships. The clingyness was a contributing factor to my break up with my ex and it is cause problems in my current relationship. I love my bf and i dont want to loose him because of what my father did to me. Both guys have been really supportive and understanding, but it is also very trying on our relationships. I want to put the abuse and rape behind me for good. I dont want it to impact on the person i am because I dont like the person it makes me. I get really depressed (not suicidal) and i just can't deal with having that impact on my life. I consider myself relativiely outgoing, but painfully shy. How can i put everything behind me?? How can i become the person i know i am and leave the past where it belongs?

My relationship with my ex was a short-lived when he told me he simply and suddenly lost feelings for me and that it was over. This came completely out of the blue for me almost a year ago. Since then we've stayed really good friends talking pretty much everyday online. He is easily my best friend. But deep down i know i want him back. We both made mistakes in our relationship and we were both really inexperianced in the dating area. We didnt talk about things that bothered us (such as my clingyness, ect), i was clingy and i wasn't honest with him about my feelings, cause truth be known i fell in love with him and didnt tell him till after we broke up. He told me he wished i had told him sooner. A lot of people kept intruding in our relationship and i got really insecure. I also sometimes feel he may have felt pressure to end it with me. We never talked about breaking up - it was sudden and final. Since the break up there have been some things that sometimes make me wonder if he regrets the break up, but then i figure i am imagining things. Hes a typical guy and doesnt express his feelings. He says he doesnt want a relationship with me and i have respected that, but i still wonder if hes telling everything. I am now with someone else who i love and he has just started dating again as well. We talk about pretty much anything and everything and we give each other advice - he can always tell when something is bothering me and i can with him as well. But my mind always wanders back to those times we spent together and i wonder if i had done things differently would it have worked and even wonder if we will ever get back together. As i said, he is my best friend and has been since i met him - is it wrong to wonder "what if"?

Hi, I read your post and was surprised at how much your situation compares to my own. I am 20 years old and I am currently in a relationship which has lasted 5 months and I feel I am being extremely clingy and I want to change my behavior. My boyfriend has told me that he thinks that im clingy but that hes ok with it, but I sometimes feel that I am loosing him. I love him with all my heart and do not want my clingy behavior to cause problems. He doesnt call when he says he will all the time, but i am getting better at not calling him all the time. The biggest problem is that ours is a distanced relationship - we are about an hour apart. In my last relationship (it was also long distance) i was very clingy and my then boyfriend and I never discussed it and in the end my bahvior was a contributing factor to our breakup and still has an affect on our friendship. I want to stop my behavior but i am unsure of how. I admit that i am very insecure, but i have let that stand in my way long enough. How can i over come it? Any advice would be appreciated.