waitinvain

Eve, You don't deserve him. You had your chance and you blew it. You treated him like a schmuck, hurt him badly and he has had to force himself to move on. You put him through more pain that you will ever know. You now serve as a reminder to him of that pain. When you dumped him and moved on, you didn't stop to consider how much you'd broken his heart, yet when the same thing happened to you, you went to the person you'd previously crushed and rejected. Namely him. The man is a saint for even being there for you. By all rights you should have had to deal with that without him, just as he had to deal with your rejection of him without you. Take from this what you can and don't treat the next person like you did him. What goes around, comes around. I hate to say this, but you've got what was coming to you. My EX is doing the same thing to me now. She's doing the old friend routine while she goes off with other guy/s, playing me like a peasant while she plays the field until she gets what she wants and moves on again. You do so much damage emotionally to people by treating them this way. He gave you all he had to give, and it wasn't enough for you. Why on earth should he take you back now. Do him a favour and let him live his life now. He's suffered enough because of you. I don't want to sound harsh, but that's the truth. The truth hurts, just as you hurt him. How could he ever trust that you werent' going to hurt him in the same way again? He'd always be insecure in a relationship with you now, as he'd have to protect his feelings. You've hurt him once, but he's survived. He's managed to move on and get over you as best he could. If he took you back and you hurt him again, you'd destroy him. Do the right thing and leave him be. Good luck for the future. Remember, "you only get what you give" and "you don't know what you had until it has gone". See this as a lesson Eve. Karma always comes back to bite you on the a*s. Use it as a time to grow as a person, and stop to think about other peoples emotions and feelings instead of just your own. Work on becoming less selfish as a person and you will find everything more rewarding. Men need to feel appreciated. If you only care about yourself, then in the end you will never have a truly happy life with a good person. You will end up with somebody that either treats you badly or is a lapdog, and you don't want that. Instead of rejecting people when you get bored with them, try and think of ways to spice up your relationship. Long term love is much more rewarding than infatuation or that "new feeling". Operate on a higher level. Sorry if I sound a bit lecturing above, but I'm saying it how I see it. I do wish you all the best, but try to look at how you've been and don't treat the next guy like it. Nobody deserves to be treated like a peasant when they love you. Nobody. Take yourself off that pedestal....

Thanks for the reply ( and thanks to the guy in the post above who was in more or less exactly the same situation ). In answer to the question, she was not friends with me for very long before we started going out. We spoke for a couple of weeks before we decided to give things a go initially. I agree that it is a bad judgement call on her part to begin a new relationship with someone else. She says that she is not after anything serious, but if it does become serious then I doubt she will be able to handle it unless they take things very slowly. More than likely it will fizzle out eventually, because emotionally she's not ready for that kind of thing, in my opinion. I have got to ask myself some hard questions. Despite how much I cared for her and loved her, I don't think it would be right to get back with her. Certainly not at the stage she is at now. She needs to grow emotionally to be able to cope with the trials and tribulations of a relationship. The new guy will feel like he is walking on eggshells if he upsets her, because she's emotionally fragile. I know the best thing to do now is totally let go, but like the chap in the post above says, she may at some point in the future try to emotionally reel me back in. I don't know how I'd cope with that, so I need to set boundaries before I entertain friendship in the real sense of the word, as oppose to the suggestion that there is something more to it, if and when she changes her mind. For now, and to help me get over this, I'm not going to initiate any communication. When she contacts me, I will reply politely yet briefly with no follow ups. My intention is to move on now. The only thing I am undecided about is whether I can truly handle friendship with her. I think in the future I will probably be strong enough to do that, but I can't make the mistake of hanging on. I have to view it as a closed chapter. I still think, however, that when such time comes that she is lonely or after commitment, if she has not yet found it, then she may view me as a viable option. What I don't want though, is to be used twice by the same person. I would not wish to go through this torment again. She did not split with me in a way that made me understand her predicament. Instead I was led to feel like the one at fault. Now she's met this new guy she's admitted that she went in too deep too fast with me, and freaked out ( obviously at the fact she'd fallen for me and realising it was a serious commitment instead of a bit of fun ), but then blamed me for the way I behaved after SHE dumped ME. What a cheek ! She ran away from a committed relationship. How many more times will she go around in circles freaking out. It's almost like she wants to be wanted but then when she gets somebody committed to her she runs a mile. I really hope I meet someone new and that I am strong enough in the future to reject anything more than friendship, when and if it is offered the second time around. I fear it would be a mistake unless she could demonstrate to me that commitment is not something she is going to run away from. But in the meantime I must try and forget about the romantic element and move on/grow/meet somebody new that will appreciate me instead of playing me for a fool when they realise they can't handle a real involvement..

Hello everyone, I would just like to summarise a few things and see what you think? comments. My ex split up with me six weeks ago. She had previously been in a bad 3 year relationship where the guy cheated on her. Yesterday she told me that it was her fault for getting in too deep too fast, and that she freaked out when she realised this. Then she split up with me and I bombarded her with messages because I felt so rejected ( a bad mistake ). She then said this "sealed the deal" and she decided she would never get back with me. She also said I had 100% scared her off and that we could now only ever be friends. She said my bombardment changed her view towards me as a possible future partner and totally put her off. She also told me yesterday that she is seeing another guy and has met him 3 times - that she's not looking for anything serious but she will probably continue to see him. She says he has also come out of a long term relationship with problems etc. She said there was nothing wrong with my looks or personality and that she valued the time she spent with me. I feel like she just rejected the situation after being on the rebound with her previous boyfriend. I feel as though she turned into a commitment phobic when she realised our relationship was serious and then ran from me like a child. She had to get away. Clearly she is the one with issues here, not me. However, I was wrong to bombard her after the split. That was a mistake I'll never make again, I just felt crushed, humiliated and rejected at the time and I couldn't understand why she broke it up in the way she did without even trying to reconcile. I clung on for six weeks to the hope she would change her mind and reconcile. She still wants friendship though. She says that she wants to go out for a drink with me in a few weeks time. Do you think that she is keeping me on the backburner so if this situation fizzles out or she later wants commitment, she can pick me up if she so desires? She certainly didn't want to break all contact with me. She just doesn't want me pursuing her anymore so she has drummed the word "friendship" into my head and made sure of that by mentioning this other guy. I am moving on now, but what do you think her motives are for retaining me as a friend? Why hasn't she completely cut me off and why does she still want to see me in person at some point? In the back of her mind is she keeping me there to pick back up if she wants in the future? I feel as though I did very little wrong in the relationship. I know she thought a lot of me, and it is the situation of commitment that she rejected. She couldn't handle it. She has emotional issues that i cannot begin to understand, but what a heartless way to finalise things. She never even gave me a chance. Now she's moved on, but in a way she hasn't. She's seeing another guy but she has a problem with commitment. All thoughts appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Liam, You have to let her go now. You can't chase somebody that has treated you like this. You know I am speaking as a man in the same boat. It's futile, it's wasted energy and it's stopping you from moving on and healing. The guy that commented above about love coming back to you if it's meant to be. He's right. But you must GENUINELY let it go. Don't let it go & then sit there waiting for it to come back. IT may never come back. How many months will you waste waiting for something that may never materialise? The wrong thing to do is sit there and wait for something that may never happen. It's like waiting for a lottery win. You may win, but you may drive yourself mad waiting for the big one. Look at the odds - they are currently against you. What's the best thing you can do? Let GO ! Let her go Liam. Move on with your life now before it consumes your very being. I have been an obsessive for 6 weeks over someone, and yesterday she told me she's seeing another guy. She's seen him 3 times. It's not worth it. They are moving on with their lives and you are stuck in "clinging static" mode. They ARENT sitting around thinking about you. They are living their life. You owe it to yourself to do the same. There is somebody out there that will appreciate you for who you are. Don't chase her waiting to see if you get the odd crumb. That's not what life and relationships are all about. FORGET HER NOW BEFORE YOU GO MAD. LET HER GO. She may come back , she may not. If she does you don't know how long it will take. She may never come back. You can't sit around waiting for that eventuality. You would be wasting your life. Hope I've helped. Believe me, I am singing from the same hymn sheet. I didn't want to let my ex go either, but let's face it , if they are seeing another guy then you have to give up on it for your own sanity. When and if she does come back to you, then you probably wont want her back anyway, although you wont be able to see that now. The FUTURE YOU will be a lot stronger. Deep down you know that, so let it go. Keep strong.

It's absolutely the right thing to do, and what you need to do to move on. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. You have given so much time in your life, and he has had plenty of time to change his mind. Time for him now to smell the coffee and realise you are no longer there dangling on a string for him. 6 weeks ago my ex split up with me. She cited her reasons as getting in too deep, too soon, ...moving into a relationship too soon after her long term relationship and also that she wasn't ready for a relationship. Today she told me she is seeing another man. She has seen him 3 times so far and she has moved on. I wish her good luck, but what goes around comes around. I am moving on too. I am worth more than that and I won't be there waiting for her if she changes her mind in future. I have been humiliated enough. This is where the chapter in my life closes and I go on to meet somebody who will truly appreciate me. I deserve that. Reborn, you deserve it too. Devote yourself to somebody that will reciprocate all the love you have to give. Don't move too fast and have faith in the future. Fate has chosen a different path, life and future for me, just as it has you. Acceptance is critical. I have finally accepted it after 6 weeks of sheer torment. I realise I'm better than that and I owe it to myself to forge ahead and enjoy each day. Here's to the future. I have made a pledge to myself that I will never let somebody humiliate or treat me like this again. Nobody is worth that. Nobody should have the power to reduce another human being to almost nothing and then find it acceptable to extend the hand of friendship as they tell you they've disregarded you and met somebody new. Not in a million years ! Here is to the future. I am looking forward to it.

The dream thing is natural. I still get that every couple of nights or so. Last night I dreamt that I was in the shower and the bathroom door opened. I peered around the cubicle and couldn't see anybody there, so I got out of the shower and walked into the bedroom. My ex was lying with her head peeping out of the covers , pretending she was asleep. I said, "Was that you? Then she opened her eyes and looked mischieviously back at me. I then kissed her. Then I woke up and realised it was just another dream. I hate my dreams. lol. Don't call her. You will get a negative response and she will just resent you even more. The only thing you can do now is distance yourself and see what happens. Believe me, I get the urge all day long to contact my ex. I sit there persecuting myself. It is so easy to send a simple text message. I've had to delete the number off my phone to stop me during weak moments. View it as a test of your character to be patient. A challenge. If she doesn't come back, then you will have the satisfaction that you had enough resolve and dignity to stop putting yourself through further humiliation. At the very least your EX will be surprised you appear to have moved on. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Whatever it takes. Quit the substance abuse. Have a couple of nice glasses of red wine and try to chat to people that take your mind off it. Life does go on. It's hard. I'm finding it hard too, so i know where you are at but I also know it's not the end of the world. If it's meant to be it will find a way of working itself out, but stop doing the things that have not been working so far. Discipline yourself to be patient. I have moments of true desperation. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, loneliness and injustice. I didn't deserve the way I've been treated, but that's the way a person dumped always feels. Try and rise above it. All the best.

If it's any consolation I'm 28 and my ex ( as matters stand ) is 23. I think she wants to have some fun and enjoy life, and while I want that too, I'm ready for a commitment as well as having those things. I'd rather enjoy life WITH the person I love than be a free agent. Still, you can't make somebody want to be with you if they're not ready. It is such a tough thing. My ex contacted me yesterday, so I have instigated some decision making by suggesting going for a drink this week (in a non commital sense ... i.e. as friends to chat ). If she doesn't take up my offer then I am literally letting her do all the running. It has taken me a month to get to the point where I am strong(er) and now I must make hard decisions to preserve myself. Even after an ex has split up with you, if they contact you and you ask something of them then it's give and take to a certain degree. If they can't acknowledge your request, or come to a compromise then you HAVE TO move on. I appreciate her need for time and space. I can be a very patient person, but I can't live in hope. Asking to go out for a casual drink is perfectly reasonable, so I hope I can report back saying that it was a 'first step' in re-initiating proper communication. I'm not going to hold my breath though. I'll keep you posted

Absolutely right. Asking for space or a break is a big cop-out. If you love someone you work at it, you don't reject them and send them packing until you can figure your head out. Once they want you back, if they do, then the person rejected by the break/space is then insecure about the relationship. Hardly a healthy basis for giving it another shot. I hate the words 'space' and 'break', and if I love someone I won't put them through either. It's all or nothing. There is no grey area if you love someone. Just my 2p.

IMO you are doing the wrong thing writing long letters like that. I would have kept it short and sweet, if at all. That letter will probably make her take another step back and have the opposite effect to what you've intended. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so and I'll explain why: - I made the same mistake recently. She already knows you want her - let her go - she'll come back to you if it's meant to be. What you've just done there is chase her......and now she'll be running away again because you've made her a)feel guilty b)resent you. You also actually say the word "begging" in your letter. That's a mistake. You write that and it makes you look totally desperate and unattractive, like your life can't go on without them. That will be a big turn-off and make them feel extremely guilty that you are so needy. It it helps I said the same thing too when she was finalising it and it was a mistake. Don't speak from the heart if it's going to make you look desperate. Consider how you'd feel if your girlfriend started moping and begging around you after you dumped her. It wouldn't make you jump to take her back would it? You'd think it was cute for about 2 seconds and then it would be a turn-off. Chasing makes women run. The more you pursue, the more they will run away. "We pursue that which rejects us". Don't forget it. My friend Mark - he's a player. He's a good bloke, but he's a player when it comes to women. He never makes first moves or chases after them, and they are falling over themselves to be with him. Somebody chasing for affection just isn't attractive. It's as simple as that. You have to be strong, get on with your life, let them come after you and see you've moved on. At that point there is a chance. If they think you are a puppy dog on a lead, they won't want to know. They need a man to be strong and resourceful enough to stand on his own two feet. When you write heartfelt messages you are saying you are depending upon them and need them for emotional happiness. That aint attractive. I recently spent 4 weeks chasing my ex before I realised this. Quit now. Be strong and if she wants you she'll come after you. Don't mention relationships to her if she calls - just let her see you're doing OK and having a good time. That will make you interesting. Life isn't fair. There shouldn't be any need for strategies or games, but that is the way it is. Men look for solutions. They think by writing things a certain way they can win love back. Well I don't think you can. The only way a woman is going to come back to you is if you stop chasing after her and she has time to see what she is missing out on by not being with you. It's her decision at the end of the day, not yours. You can't do the thinking FOR HER. Dont know whether that helped , but it's taken me a month to get this cleared in my mind, and I've spoken to a hell of a lot of people about the subject. I wish I had adopted that approach from word go. You have to understand psychology and put yourself in their shoes instead of seeing it from your perspective as somebody that is rejected, missing them and just wants to be with them and in their lives again. They are seeing things from a completely different angle to you! Trust me. Next time ( if there is one ) I get dumped, I'm walking out the door and I'm not even looking back. Strong from day one next time. HTH.

I've finally accepted it folks. You can't force love and if you have to force it, then it's not worth it. I get a message from her most days but my days of clinging on are gone ! I have done well - I've gone from being a pathetic wreck to not initiating any communication. For a while I was worried about her meeting other guys , but now it doesn't bother me. The test of comparisons when meeting someone new is often a turning point in them making a decision either way. You should not fear a rival, in any sense of the word. If it's meant to be it comes back, but in the meantime you must move on. If I do get dumped again, I'm walking out the door and I'm not even looking back. It is now my number one rule ! Anyway this article really helped me with my mind as I was pretty hopeless for a month. This article is quality. I urge you to read it: - link removed All the best.

Seems she has a bit of internal conflict going on. You're better off out of there. Quit holding onto the hope of getting back with her. I know it's easier said than done. Even when you're not talking about relationships with her she will be able to sense you want to be with her. Have you sent her e-mails/texts since then as well? Just cut off all contact and move on. It's the hardest thing to do in practice but you have to do it for your own good. I mean, whenever I hear from my ex I just get hit with derogatory comments or something sarcastic. That isn't the reason I got with her in the first place so why should I chase after anyone that treats me like that. Took me a while to wake up and smell the coffee though! I was pathetic. Next time it happens to me I'm walking without even so much as looking back. It's the only way. The hardest way is usually the best way when it comes to others. But then, being yourself with the right person, and being accepted for that, with all your faults, and them still wanting to stay...........that is love. Infatuation is the fickle thing that can soon be broken. People often get it mixed up in the early stages. I was in love with my ex - I had accepted her faults and was willing to go with that as the good outweighed everything, at the time, for me..... whereas she was just infatuated with me. Harsh but true.

Hi All, On sunday my ex told me to completely leave her alone, so I have .... Since then I've received 2 e-mails and a text message. None of which particularly pleasant but she's still contacting me. What does she want from me? I gave her every opportunity to get back with me and I was myself with her. I foolishly put my feelings on the line, but hey I can hold my head high and say I was totally straight and genuine. So she doesn't want me, but she's trying to make me jealous by mentioning some other guy she's seen as a friend and "it was fun". I'm not rising to the bait this time. What on earth is she playing at? I asked her to come for drinks the other week but she said "no" because she didn't know how I'd be with her emotionally and she couldn't deal with that. I later said friendship won't work at this stage because of my feelings for her. She then replied saying that if I did not want friendship she definitely wouldn't be coming out on my birthday, but she'd already said a few days before that she wouldn't come anyway so I don't see why she said that. Any thoughts anyone??

Hi folks, Today she blocked my e-mail address so anything I send automatically gets rejected. I have finally given in now as I was flogging a dead horse. Yesterday I posted a letter before she did the above, but that is it now. It has taken me a long time but I'm finally moving on. If I can pass any advice on to anyone that get dumped in future it is this: 1) If you get dumped, then tell them your feelings once and once only. After that don't attempt to contact them and move on straight away. Pursuing them will just make them resent you because they feel guilty for what they have done. Also lack of space and distance will not allow them to truly appreciate what it is like to be without you. If you chase them you will seem needy, desperate and unattractive. EXACTLY WHAT YOU DONT WHAT. For the rest of my days I will not pursue somebody that dumps me again. Why should you? You are not the one rejecting that person, they are rejecting you. It is up to them to try to reconcile with you, not the other way around. If you don't contact them you will become mysterious and they will think they may have made a mistake. curiosity will get the better of them if they realise this and that they love you. You will soon know if they want you or not. Either way pursuing them will not give you the answer you are looking for. You only want to be with somebody who wants you too. You will never find that out while you are chasing them. Be strong, get out and genuinely enjoy life. Get out with friends and move on. Accept that chapter is over. They may come back to you again, but don't live your life thinking they will. I have just wasted 4 weeks clinging onto hope and I didn't properly realise all of this until yesterday. Only by standing on your own two feet will they find you desirable again. They may never want you again. Accept it as it's part of life. Relationships are a learning curve & it's not nice being dumped but you always learn something from your experience. The trick is to make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes twice. It's really hard but you won't win them back by pursuing them. Once you have moved on, and they don't hear from you anymore, that is the point they will realise whether they want you or not. They will be shocked you are no longer trying to chase after them. DONT GIVE IN to your weaknesses. After a few days you will long to try and get in touch, maybe even a simple text. Resist it. Wait for them to contact you. I hope this advice has helped somebody. Go against your natural urges to pour out your feelings and convince them to reconcile with you. It will not work ! Also , if they want friendship, only accept it if you can genuinely cope with only ever being their friend. If you accept friendship and still love them, you will keep holding on to the possibility that you may get back with them. It depends how strong emotionally you are as to whether you can cope with that. Could you cope with them meeting a new man/woman, or being chatted up when you're out with them etc. I couldn't so I rejected friendship. I went out with her so I could be with her and give her 100% of myself, not so I could have a chat and talk about everyday life. Of course, I loved that too, but I also wanted intimacy. When your feelings are so strong, friendship is not enough. If anything it's a tease that prevents you from moving on. A clean break is better imo but each person has to make their own decision and it depends on what terms the friendship is established. If your feelings have mutually died, then a friendship can work. Otherwise I don't see how it can............ All the best.

A good decision and one that takes strength to stick by. I am in a similar position. I think she likes to think that I am pining for her, but she doesn't actually want me ( at least right now anyway ). I think she enjoys the fact that I want her though - she likes the idea of me wanting her. She says she wants my friendship but even there I am the one doing all the running. I genuinely feel she will later regret her decision to give up on us like this, but I also have to force myself to move on. If she was the person I originally thought she was, she'd still be with me now. People don't give up on relationships because of a couple of incidents and a few bad words. They communicate, sort it and move on......hopefully towards a stronger relationship. That is what I'd always do anyway. So yep, good decision. Forget about him, he isn't worth it. Hardest thing to do in practice but if you can do it you will be able to move on, and although it's hard to see it now, the next guy could be "the one for you". All the best...

Well folks, This is the first day I've felt great since the split. She is still in touch with me as a 'friend' but I'm not hoping anymore. I've stopped marrying hope. Letting go as much as possible is the key to going forward. The pain has stopped to a large degree. The world is a big place and there are a lot of people out there. Sure, it would be great to be back with her but if it doesn't happen then life goes on. I'm concentrating on being happy with myself and the rest will follow. One thing I'm not doing anymore is living in hope of reconciliation. It's not easy but it's the only way. Hanging around indefinitely is the road to emotional ruin! "It's A Wonderful Life" - I intend to live mine. To everybody else going through the same, if you're feeling knocked down just get back up again and stay true to yourself.