William55
-
Posts
20 -
Joined
-
Days Won
1
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by William55
-
I truly feel your emptiness. The world is so much different.
-
Thanks L.J. Those words are for me, as much as for they are for anyone. I miss my girl so bad I just ache inside. It's a beautiful day outside and I just can't appreciate it. Everyday I try to gather enough strength to move on. I am so preoccupied with thinking about her that everything else seems obtrusive or unimportant. I say to myself that I am getting better and I know that I progressed from begging to NC but, I hurt as much today as in the past. In fact, as time moves on it only serves to enforce my belief that she has left me forever. I'm sitting at home now. It used to be our home. I am surrounded by memories and they creep into my heart and fill me with despair. I pray often. I know that what I am doing is prolonging the hurt but I cannot pretend to feel otherwise. It will be a long time before I get right. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
- 10 replies
-
- 1
-
-
- no contact
- emotions
- (and 5 more)
-
Okay where do I start, Okay....I am with all those who are suffering from a broken heart. Guys/Gals if you ever seen "Rudolph" the clay animation Christmas standard, it features a segment about lost toys or broken toys or something like that. The one thing you have got to notice is that they were not alone, they were surround by other dysfuntional toys. I'm not suggesting that anybody here is dysfunctional, on the contrary, we are all very much human. And all very much special. The emphasis is that we have each other. I have been amazed at the collected advise on these forums. Such wisdom and care is special indeed. I love you people, you are so much more than words on a screen. Best advise is NO CONTACT. Best advise is to embrace that no contact, not on the presumtion that he/she will come back to you based on the allure of no contact, but from the position that you moved forward. Not to suggest that by this method, you find reconcilliation impossible. In fact, it is the only plausable strategy within your grasp to make that be. But do not make that stategy as the primary blueprint in recovery. Move on. If it is meant to be that you are to reunite, then it will accelerate the process. If in turn it was not meant to be, then you have embraced your independence and have taken solid steps in finding YOU. Do not, and I emphasis DO NOT undertake barginning, pleading, or any other emotional surrender. It will undermine you growth thru this process and will defeat any hope of reconciliation. There may be broken toys by some peoples standard but there are others who would glady accept those that have been tossed away.
-
Let me clear something up guys. I didn't refuse to go to the court directed mediation. I have every intent to go. What I did, was refuse to agree to a pre-mediation arranged by her so that we could somehow come to terms on scheduling prior to mediation. On the surface that may seem like an unprovoked (knee jerk) response. However, I reacted to what I perceived as a shallow and contrived e-mail from her prior to that conversation in which she stated how our daughter seem like a piece of property and it hurt her. Damn...she initiated this. Knowing my wife, she was buttering me up for the kill. She knows, or think she knows that she has the emotional advantage because of my desparate and heartbroken condition. Shamelessly laid at her feet for the past two months. Since coming on this forum I have come to regard the "No Contact Rule" as a simplistic but absolute discipline for recovery. I think I demonstrated that to her, albeit a little heavy handed. Not to graceful... but the sabers rattled and I guess I drew a line in the sand. Take a position of independence and do not waiver. Does wonders for the ego and there really isn't an alternative. That said, with more careful thought I believe I could have voiced my position with more tact. I will refine my No Contact discipline as time goes on.
-
Well Scout, At the end of the day, I put away the armour and try to rest. Tomorrow there will be dragons to slay and demons to parlay. I miss the minds occupation on more constructive matters. I am weary of trying to find a loose string, a forgotten covenent, a sign to guide me out of the Black Forest. Maybe it is the weariness of it all that dulls the pain after all is said and done.
-
Hey Vynde, A yank here with some advise. Hope it's taken as a friendly gesture from one who is there and processing the same feelings. Love of my life (12 years) left me for another. Unbelievable!!! 1) Yea...but it happens. Think you had the girl that was irreplaceable? So do I. So do a thousand others. 2) How could she love someone other than me? How did you fall in love with her? Who missed out in silence while she loved you? 3) How will it ever be the same? It won't. Even if there's chance, take the position of moving on. Embrace that bro. Embrace that. Gather your armour and battle the demons. They are ultimately weak and will slither away. 4) Were you attractive to her. Why? Because you were operating on eight cylinders. Don't park the car brother. Polish the hubcaps and scoot. 5) Is she on some golden brick road to Oz? No. In all liklihood she'll be alone while you are in the companionship of the Tinman and company. Believe that bro. You are a person that embraces love while she is on a improbable journey toward reward. 6) Believe in yourself. You did before this happened didn't you? Yea you did. Don't drink the poison. Nothing about you has changed. If you are going to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the that human that most of us in our best moments would regard as unattractive or repulsive, that sits in his/her room at night and wonders at love and compassion, who is justified in imploring to God "Why me?" Would you give him or her company?
- 1,455 replies
-
- 1
-
-
- depression
- fear
- (and 9 more)
-
Scout, I am exercising. I've lost about 20lbs down to 180 and toning up. Don't get me wrong Scout, but I am in survival mode and trying to make myself as attractive as possible. Just to let you know, I have always maintained a healthy dose of humility. On the downside I'm fifty one, I have hardly had a good nights sleep in 3 months, I look haggard if not defeated in body language. She hurt me Scout and I compounded that hurt by begging for her back only to hear words like "I feel like I'm cheating on him just talking to you". Yea Scout, it's been a huge blow to my ego. Listen, I'm a prison gang investigator, I worked in the copper mines, I was even in Iraq as a Corrections Contractor for six months. I always thought of myself as a mans man. This girl took my identity and reduced me to a blubbering mommas boy. This probably sounds like a typical response from a knuckle dragging gorilla who stubbed his toe on a bananna tree but I'm not that tough. The only solution to my sanity and prospect of recovery is to regard her as a rival to my aspirations. She was an imposter that invaded my castle only to pull down the drawbridge and let the demons in. Okay, a little melodramatic. Anyway Scout, I think that I could have been a bit more diplomatic but I took the first chance to unload on her and I did. I do plan to take a position of quite defiance and remain there forever. I'm not talking about all consuming hate. I do not hate anybody. It may be disingenious to go from groveling to defiance but if I am consistant than it will become genuine. This is my new found coping mechanism. My Paris peace talks. To put it bluntly Scout, my attitude may not represent maturity, diplomacy, or even fairness. If I can negotiate from a position of strength as opposed to a defeated spirit then I will chock it up to the falibility of a broken heart.
-
Hey Folks, Need some feedback on my actions today. Today I met my nine year old daughter at school to give her her backpack. She's been in Mass. with her mother and (her mothers boyfriend)...she let it slip. I've posted before explaining my situation; wife filed for divorce in August and moved in with her boyfriend taking my daughter with her. I do get her for several nights out of the week and for that I am grateful. Anyway I've struggled with the fact that my wife and him and (his two daughters) are together as a family, her sleeping with him and all this in front of my daughter before our divorce is even final. But I'm resigned that, there's not much I can do about it and it will be an inevidable arrangement once the divorce is final. Anyway, I am digressing but I am trying to set the stage. For the past three months I have begged, groveled, pleaded, bargined etc. Wish I had found this forum three months ago, but even then, I was half out of my mind and probably would have ignored the NC rule. Last week it finally sunk in what she has done and I have replaced a good part of my sadness with a (controlled) anger and a resolution to move on and excel as much as possible with my life. No contact is my matra. To the point, and I hope I haven't lost you. This afternoon the soon to be X emailed me stating that we have been ordered to mediation to sort out custody. She stated how it hurt her that our daughter seemed like a piece of property. Obviviously it does not hurt enough to acknowledge that she initiated this. Anyway I didn't think this deserved a reply. Later she called to say our daughter got a paper cut accross her eye (she's okay) and she revisited the mediation. She stated that we should talk about this before mediation so that we could cut thru the chase. This is when I took the position to tell her that I did not feel a pre-talk was necessary. I told her from this point on it was business. I told her that I could not negotiate with her from a position of trust and that we will either come to terms or not. I told her that she has betrayed me and lied to me (for years) and that I am not her friend nor is she mine. This is a some what sanitized version of our conversation. I ended it rather abruptely. She subsequently e-mailed me stating that I am still cold, insensative, and I will never change. Am I? Is my new found independence no more than childish bitterness fostered to re-establish lost pride? I don't trust my feelings or actions anymore. Please provide some feedback.
-
Know whats scarey W1nter, it could of been you. I think we are programmed to latch on to what suits our fancy. Doesn't make sense on the social meter but we humans are so damn complex. They say (theory) that women are intuitively attracted to broad shoulders on men because it represents (visually) a man who is a protector and who will be an effective hunter/provider. Men, on the other hand, are attracted to big breasts and shapely if not broad hips on a woman as it represents a partner that will bear a brood of babies and future providers to the elder parents. Now that theory is painted with a broad brush and I'm sure there are other human attributes that play a contributing role. Take this Darwinian theory and put in the social interaction (mental) attraction, combined with our own check and balances of what we can get, or what we think we measure up to, and you have the assembly line of love. I know....it ain't that simple. Look little brother, your young. I'm 51 and filled with self doubt on finding somebody that I can measure up to. It will work out for you.
-
Some Variations of Old Rules
William55 replied to William55's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
W1nter, I still love my wife. Don't ask me why I can still yearn for her after what she has done. I have to remind myself of the real her and the very real situation I'm in. People are not used to having things happen to them that they cannot control. Most things that happen in life that are beyond our control are fortunately brief but, divorce, infidelity, death, are not shortlived at all. I feel like I am in the endurance test from hell. If this was the Navy Seals, I would have rang the bell along time ago. I know that I could not realistically take my wife back without it totally being a complete gesture of remorse on her part. She's not even close to that now and probably never will be. What could more likely occur would be her returning to me because he dumped her or she got mad at him or she lost interest in him. That has nothing to do with remorse. thereforeeee unacceptable. She has done the very worst thing to me and has seen my agony, yet walked away. So that should conjur anger and it does, but I still miss her. Go figure. -
CHANGING THEM He/She will not leave OP because of you. He/She will leave if and when they are disenchanted with OP. IMAGINATION Your vision of He/She together is far more dramatic than their reality. PLEADING He/She are either repulsed, angered or guilt ridden over any pleading, crying or bargining you engage in. MOVING ON Every day you live vicariously thru He/She, you lose one day of healing yourself. WORSHIPING IDOLS Do not build Alters, magnify beauty/strength, worship or other wise idolize He/She. DIGGING DITCHES Do not wallow, chop yourself down, spit in the mirror or otherwise lower yourself from the position you were in prior to your Seperation/Divorce.
-
Just the opposite here. Gave her a hundred mile leash. She stretch it too. Oh well. She was a kick in the a-- and a lot of fun... but I guess I was half that fun too.
-
Not sure what to do anymore
William55 replied to W1nter's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hey W1nter, Hang in there bud. Going thru the same thing only I'm at our "old" home. Still putting away some scattered clothing, incliuding some of her underwear, etc. Pictures everywhere illustrating our eleven years together. Wham Bam....want a divorce.....moving in with him. Let me tell you something she said to me last month after I gave her a brief kiss on the lips. She told me a few days later that she felt like she was cheating on him!!?? Man I knew then that I had about as much chance of saving our marraige as a Japanese tourist. Can't afford to leave the home plus I've got dogs and cats to feed. I put it on the market. Nice piece of land that I purchased several years ago from money I made in Iraq. By the way, yea you guessed it. She had company while I was dodging mortars. I contemplated everything. You just look at the destruction of your whole life and just want to give up. BUT DONT!!! Don't care if you are a bum on the streets. Stick around to watch it come bite her on the donkey someday. It will! -
Hey Nomad, I'm from Arizona too. Anything below 80 is cold to me right now. Must be standing to close to that sub-freezing heart of my soon to be. Well brother, I lost the beer belly and actually toning up. Went on no contact last week and I will stick to it. No choice, it's that or the rejection highway. Had to get over the shock, now it's just a dull pain. Someday I know I will shake this crap I'm just beat up right now. Boy, when they snap they just completely change identity. This is the same woman that looked in my wallet all the time to see if she could find a stray phone number.
-
I guess the hardest thing for me to get past is my soon to be X is with the OM and my 9 year old daughter in tow as I write this. The've gone to Disneyland, Mass. to see her folks, other great places while I sit home trying to save money for the impending divorce. Feel like a ghost. Feel like I died and she remarried and I'm watching this like a hopeless spirit. This is haunting. Chistmas carols in the mall, cold weather, short days, I mean she not only broke my heart, she picked the worst time of the year to do it. Sorry folks, just cyber-crying.
-
AMEN... It's extra hard when you can't even be sanctimonious about your situation. There are far more virtuous people who are suffering as great or greater sorrow than me.
-
Fr0st, Take it it from a class A crybaby. It don't work. For the past 3 months I have done and said things that would have made me cringe to think about before my woman left me. I literally sold myself out. Don't flirt with rejection. If you have to fake inner-strength, indifference, etc. then by all means do it! Someday you will adopt that position in earnest. I am sad, depressed and lonely but... I will not show her my weakness ever again. That is a plus for me. Something I can build on day by day. Play the game Fr0st, don't let it play you.
-
Rose, Thank you for the kind words. I would be remise if I did not share this as well. At the end, you may feel that poetic justice has been served, And justifiably so. 12 years ago I left a beautiful angel of a wife for the woman that has left me now. I was 39 and she was 52. At the time, my soon to be X was 27. I looked at this 27 year old as beautiful, youthful, athletic, witty, etc. I was drawn to her and I committed the worst betrayal. I left my wife broken hearted. I watched her lose significant weight, and knew that she was completely distraught. We lost our home and her life was turned completely upside down. I knew what I was doing was wrong and although I felt guilt, I chose to go with the younger girl. My X remarried a wonderful man and I am very happy for her. Karma, as in good karma, found her. Ironically, she has provided me with kind council over my misfortune. Instead of relishing my despair, she continues to demonstrate a kindness that I cannot conjur. It also makes my situation more bittersweet to know that I left unconditional love for the predestined abandonment that invariably arrives with a shallow love. So then, karma, as in bad karma, has found me. It waited until I least expected it. It has now shown me what I have done. I only wish I had the strength of character that my former wife has. Maybe the aquisition of this karma affords that opportunity should I embrace it. I believe in Karma. If you believe in it, you have to accept it both ways. It would seem that my soon to be X has been the only one unscathed in this cycle of heartache. So, I cannot even fallback on being a victim. The boomarang has returned to it's owner.
-
Thanks, The hardest thing to cope with are the memories of the "old girl". I am a professional who deals extensively with conlict resolution. It's a different story when your dealing with yourself. I still spend a considerable amount of time measuring the odds of reuniting with her, the prosect of their relationship failure, etc. A repetitious exercise in pacifying that little boy in me that is shivering with abandonment. The adult ego on the other hand, is struggling to regain control and acknowledge the terminal consequences of her decision. I know that everyone that was divorced without mutual intent probably thought that their woman or man was "the person" for their lives. I know that I have and continue to struggle with that belief even though it is inconsistent to what my marraige was and the events that have unfolded. I miss the good times and even the conflicts. Conflict at this stage at least meant interaction with her. I know that I must abandon this preoccupation with creating senseless scenerios that offer false hope and take up realistic aspirations. Heartbreaks are like an illness. I just wish I could have a cup of chicken noodle soup and shake this fever.
-
Hello Everybody, I'm new to to this forum. And like most here, just unloading. In early August my wife of 11 years filed for divorce and promptly moved in with another man. We have a nine year old daughter and the OM has two daughters around the same age range. My daughter does stay with me about half the time and I have no reason to believe that will change after the divorce. When this first happened I was in shock. I have suffered from severe depression and have gone through the humilating process of begging her back, bargining with her that I will change real or imagined problems with myself, and simply breaking apart in front of her. All along I ignored intuitive logic that, what I was doing was begging for rejection, and lowering my self esteem to even more sufficating depths of despair. I still love her. And it crushes me to think that she loves another. Approximately two weeks ago I made a commitment to myself that I will not beg, cajole, or bargain for her back. I have to reclaim myself from this nightmare and move on. I know that even if she came back that the hurt and betrayal would be nearly impossible to overcome. She may fill a void in this otherwise empty home but she cannot fill the void in my empty heart. This is a tough blow for a man who is fifty one. She's 39 and he is 37. I have to deal with thoughts of being inadequate and basically washed up. These are new and offesive feelings to me. Not long ago I felt tremendous confidence. I have been exercising ever since this drama unfolded. It's a method to help restore my self esteem. My commitment to distance myself from her is another method. My writing and viewing other peoples problems and advise is yet another. Today is Saturday. I'm going to clean my house that has been neglected for lack of motivation. Yet another method, a building block toward revival. I know that it is over. I know that the girl I loved is not the woman that has done this to me. The girl I loved left me one day and an imposter took her place. People say that there are lessons to be learned from this and that I will learn to embrace a new beginning. No reason not to believe them. But it sure is a tough jouney.
