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cranbers

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  1. cranbers
    Well i am still at her parents house. The situation has not gotten better, last night she didn't eat dinner at her parents house as usual with me, her son and her mom. She went to see a movie "charlette's web" with a girl friend from work last night. She got home at midnight, she claims she went with her friend and husband, so she was like a third wheel then she went shopping. I did some research and that movie wasn't playing later on last night anywhere in the area. So it's obvious she lied once again. No doubt she went out with him again last night. Her mom was watching our son and I was at work, i work at night. Keep in mind this behavior is while we are separated and I am living with her parents for 2 weeks now, as a short term thing rather then just run out and get a apartment in case we are able to work this out. So with her behavior just as appalling as usual. I am starting to think there is no point anymore. He is still calling her daily on the home phone, I have a hidden caller id to spy on her. So I will see what it says. No doubt it will say he is calling regularly still. I asked my wife a question. I said "If this man had a girl friend and she found out you spent the night all week end, would she of had a problem with it?" She didn't have a response to that one. So that really pissed me off. This guy is single, and broke up with his gf about 3 months ago according to my wife and what she told me about him. she refuses to tell me his name and she always will bring something up that I did wrong when I am trying to interrogate her about him.
  2. cranbers
    That is true, would I want her back if she admits she did anything with him? probably not. Not considering there are other fish in the sea. I do feel for my son though. He deserves better then all this crap. So I found out more about the situation. She has admitted she spent Saturday night with him, at his house. She left at 2am on sunday after I found her on the phone with him, she went to his house then as well. That wednesday she left at 9pm after a fight and didn't come home till 1am. She spent 6 hours on her cell phone with him over the period of several days just from the 18th of jan to 22nd of jan when i caught her naturally after that point she didn't use her cell phone. This is in addition to being with him in person, not to mention being on the home phone which can't be tracked. At first she wouldn't admit she spent the night at his house. Now she does. But she still will not admit she did anything with him.
  3. cranbers
    I assume you are just talking sexually you are mssing him? I mean having a child will always do that especially if they are sleeping in the bed with you two. Me and my wife sleep/slept in different beds for several years do to my snoring. We quite literally don't have a sex life. If he doesn't want it, then well it sounds like he may not be so interested anymore. Naturally a 21 month old sleeping in yoru bed would ruin the idea for any man. So yeah getting him out of there would be a great thing. I have a 26 months old and he likes to sleep with one of us as well. That can be a tough situation.
  4. cranbers
    I think marriage in itself is nothing more then a piece of paper that is very expensive to get rid off if it doesn't work out. Being on the spouses health insurance is about one of the only perks and joint tax returns. I will never get married too fast again. Make sure you are with tha tperson quite literally for years, live with them and play house. Because ill tell you honestly if you don't something funny is going to happen after you tie the knot. Peole cheat, little things get on your nerves and family members, your sister, mother father etc all start to paint a picture and it will suck big time if they all don't like each other. Make sure you actually realize taht there is no one else in th eworld you would rather spend your time with. You get along very well and have things in common. You have similiar friends and taste in friends. Life is too short ti live and be with someone you don't truly want to be with or love to death. The person you merry literally, has to be your BEST FRIEND! You can tell anything and everything to and not have to worry about the consequences of your actions. Also sexually they have to be what you want, any of these areas that are caught lacking after your married will turn into bomb fires. 50 percent or even higher now divorce rate. It's rediculous so be very very careful. All these things i wish I would of gotten when I got married haha, no joke.
  5. cranbers
    I don't agree with your statement. People can be extremely nice with one person and love life. Be with another person can make them irritable, mean and violent. So in that respect the person is causing you to behave a certain way. Just like a dog scratching a flea, do you blame the flea for the dog scratching? Is it the flea's fault? I think it is. Get rid of the flea, or tell it to stop biting. That is how I look at it. In my situation my wife starts every last fight. She yells at me for something her ocd is affecting her judgement on, I defend myself which leads to more yelling and it escalates. I hate conflict and I avoid it at all costs. But if I am already being yelled at and it makes me mad I defend myself. So either I just let her yell at me which pisses her off more. Or I participate and stand up for myself. Guess that is all there is to it.
  6. cranbers
    You know speaking from my position which is someone who is told by his wife on a regular basis that I am a fat, stupid piece of crap pretty much. I am told I am the abuser on a regular basis, simply by talking to my sister about our problems. I don't sit there for hours throwing every single insult possible like she does but im the abuser. so yeah, if your giving it your all and she isn't even working then sir I would say its the opposite. You like me are the one being abused and women somehow sense this ability to control the man, like in our situations. So, if she claims your abuser her, then tell her to explain how that is abuse? Then tell her what you do and tell her why you aer stressing. I would also strongly recommend you talk to a doctor about depression etc. I have had depression in the past as well and my mom and all my aunts and uncles have severe mental problems. My wife has those issues as well and you would think I would ahve figured that out but I just deal with it, she is so good at getting her way and making me feel like she is right, even though in my heart and mind I know I am right. So follow those instincts. If you are rational, and logical. Then you are usually in the right, what she is saying does not sound logical or rational. thereforeeee she is wrong. That is how I think of it anyway. I have recently separated from my wife after 4 years of this, I finally just had enough and I will tell you its been wonderful the last 5 days. I am now staying with my in laws and hoping she will come around and figure out just how much of a non abuser I am, and that is by staying away from her for awhile. I don't miss the abuse even though she is still trying to guilt trip me etc. Even now being away she is throwing bombs at me so that shows just how much of an abuser she is. Using guilt trips to bring someone back? Not in my book. So don't let her try to convince you your abusing her simply because you are stressed out. Tell her to help out and be nice, have sex or something, or just let you unwind by playing video games, I love em too and she hates those with a passion! I hope that helps.
  7. cranbers
    I gotta tell you from a male ponit of view, ky in the bottle feels pretty much just like the real thing. If it doesn't last long keep the bottle handy! I haven't had sex with my wife in over a year so I can't really be good advice on sex, i want it she doesn't, period. For whatever reason, so hense why I know so much about ky lmao!
  8. cranbers
    Ok so my wife who i am currently living separate from as we work out some problems asked me if I was coming home this week end. I said no I was not ready yet. She asked me why not. She also asked me a good question. "Are you trying to punish me"? I guess I didn't know what to say to that. I am mad at her as she spent the night with another man 2 weeks ago, lied to me about it etc. She claims she just spent the night at his house and nothing happened no one cares and why am I making it a big deal. Anyway, so am I being separate from her to punish her? I guess I am but then again, im doing it just to get out of a bad situation. I guess I would say she is punishing herself. But I don't know. guess that is why I posted that question.
  9. cranbers
    Well I was referring to stay with them as a temp solution rather then going right out and getting an apartment . I mean if she straightens up I will definitely want this to work. But if not, then well im gone. She has 30 days to convince me it is going to be different. she will quit all this crazy behavior and abuse towards me. Getting to the bottom of it being did she cheat? Is there resolution? She still has given me a guilt trip for her not being allowed to talk to this guy, she has no one now. I won't say I love her and she can't talk to him, so why won't she talk to her family? Who knows.
  10. cranbers
    The worst thing though is that she is having some issues with melanoma skin cancer right now. So there is the possiblity of her dying from this. Now add that boat load of guilt. It is the biggest amount of pressure anyone or anything could put on you. what would you do in that situation?
  11. cranbers
    It makes so much more sense to leave the person you dislike, and find someone new. Be alone for a while in between. I have never chated on my wife, physically but yes a cyber affair with the women living thousands of miles away I did do. I gues sit was more a of a fantasy then anything. It was with ex gf's from my high school years and im now 26. was I saying I Love you, kind of after awhile. Anyway, an affair is fun if your relationship is not very good, but physically I don't think I could live with myself, physically sleeping and having relations with someone. As for you being hurt does your hubby know? If he doesn't maybe you should tell him? Say it happened and its over now? See what he does, I have no doubt that will help you heal and maybe it will hurt at first but in the end it may make you stronger and your relationship strong. If he does leave you, so be it. Everyone makes mistakes and if he can't forgive you. do you want to live in a lie for the rest of your days with him? have it come out when your in retirement years?
  12. cranbers
    So yes i have finally decided to leave her, finally. It only took her sleeping at another mans house and lying about it and me figuring it all out by putting the pieces together. So monday I moved out and have already started to see change, there is no more black mail or crazy threats. so I hope this is a good sign there will be change. I have signed up for an apartment and have 30 days to accept. There really will have to be some big changes before I will move back in to her house. So living with her parents will be interesting but I was lucky. Staying in a hotel for 30 days would not be an option, so this seem to be a middle ground between getting an apartment and all that. I get along well with her family and I work at night so I won't even be there all that much.
  13. cranbers
    Well I have decided to leave her, she cheated on me with another man and I found out about it on accident when she was talking to him on the phone. she won't admit anything except she spent the night at his house. That they are very close etc. So it sucks but what can you do? So this past monday I packed up and left. I am now staying with her parents for a few weeks to get out from under her thumb and we attempt to work this out. She has started to come around over the last few days and realized that I am not coming back and she needs to figure out what she is going to do. She tried black mail, manipulation etc. But I am now starting to figure out those were all just that, all bark but no bite. So I have just held my ground and laughed at her pretty much when she makes these crazy threats and now she doesn't make them anymore. She is even starting to be nice, fair and understanding and even negotiable. So already just where I am at now with just a few days ther eis at least a little bit of progress. I have told her I won't be going back until she gets treatment for ocd/eating disorder and depression. I also have to go for depression I guess as well. We are going to start dating and doing fun things together and we will see where we are. I have 30 days to figure out if this will work. If it doesn't I will be moving into an apartment by myself. So the next few weeks will be very interesting and life changing in every way, hopefully mostly good.
  14. cranbers
    Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in. As for being sexually active with her I don't have any idea if it will happen again. So what can I do? I guess this is the right thing. I know leaving her will probably give me a great chance of meeting someone new and having a great sex life. Not that would be all i am after but it would be nice after 4 years of not doing it. Fun stuff.
  15. cranbers
    Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in. She still will not admit she did anything with him. But when questions about specific actions she did that night are asked, like an interogation she immediatley says she won't answer any questions. So with that in mind its even more obvious something happened but I probably will never know. I didn't leave her simply for this, but this was the last straw taht broke the camels back. Our marriage is horrible and there needs to be some change. I hope she now understand the seriousness of what she did. That she will change and this behavior will stop. I have no seconds thoughts or worries about being on my own again. the last several days out from under her rule have been amazing. I know each day will continue to get better and I made the right decision. I wish I would of done this several years ago, then maybe they would of been so much nicer.
  16. cranbers
    Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in. She still will not admit she did anything with him. But when questions about specific actions she did that night are asked, like an interogation she immediatley says she won't answer any questions. So with that in mind its even more obvious something happened but I probably will never know. I didn't leave her simply for this, but this was the last straw taht broke the camels back. Our marriage is horrible and there needs to be some change. I hope she now understand the seriousness of what she did. That she will change and this behavior will stop. I have no seconds thoughts or worries about being on my own again. the last several days out from under her rule have been amazing. I know each day will continue to get better and I made the right decision. I wish I would of done this several years ago, then maybe they would of been so much nicer.
  17. cranbers
    Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in. She still will not admit she did anything with him. But when questions about specific actions she did that night are asked, like an interogation she immediatley says she won't answer any questions. So with that in mind its even more obvious something happened but I probably will never know. I didn't leave her simply for this, but this was the last straw taht broke the camels back. Our marriage is horrible and there needs to be some change. I hope she now understand the seriousness of what she did. That she will change and this behavior will stop. I have no seconds thoughts or worries about being on my own again. the last several days out from under her rule have been amazing. I know each day will continue to get better and I made the right decision. I wish I would of done this several years ago, then maybe they would of been so much nicer.
  18. cranbers
    I appreciate those words of advice. I have rationalized being with her for 4 years. Even though our marriage/relationship and everything else is horrible. I for some reason, didn't want to leave her. I mean I do but I don't I guess i can't explain it. I guess being married makes you feel like no matter what happeneds you should stay. There is a certain kind, of comfort being married. 4 years is a long time to be with someone, a certain familiar feeling. Even when everything is horrible that is how it is. But it needs to stop, having a son with her makes it all that much worse.
  19. cranbers
    But is the simple fact she was at his house all night with him, is that fact alone cheating? That is all she admitted to doing. I don't know what else is needed. I mean in all honesty our marriage is so horrible anyway, this didn't even hit me by surprise. We don't talk we don't have sex, we are not close. She hates my family etc. So yeah with all that mind, what am I here anyway? guess im too chicken to leave. I don't want ob e alone etc. Granted im not really sharing a life with her. We are room mates that hate each other essentially. but then int he next breath she will she loves me and wants this to work.
  20. cranbers
    So the simple fact of spending time with him like that and staying at his house, that alone is an affair, or is she required to have sex with him? Now add in the information we haven't had sex in a year. Does that change it even more to a more likley yes she did have sex with him?
  21. cranbers
    Ok so my wife goes out one night with a girl friend and some other of her friends. She doesn't come home. So the next morning I call her, she was ok she just didn't call me and it got too late to come home so she spent the night there. That day she goes out shopping by herself I guess. Comes home says she wants go out with her friends again. Anyway the next night I find out she is on the phone with some guy and the truth comes out, eventually. She has been seeing this other guy. Saturday night she was at his house, watched a movie, ate chinease food, slept over there. Anyway, point is, what are the odds, she didn't sleep with him? She is very adamient that she didn't sleep with him taht they are just friends she is not attracted to him etc. she was over there because she was depressed and hated me. Anyway I guess I just need the obvious to be told to me. She says nothing happened. I will never know, but as others have said, it looks bad. She finally just admitted this piece of information. Even if she did, have sex with him she won't admit that, simply because it would mean a instant divorce via adultery. So lying about being with him at first, catching her on the phone with him and later forcing her to admit she spent the night at his house. is that enough evidence or proof that she had an affair? Does anyone know, I mean short of having her write it down that she did, or walking in on them, what is considered proof?
  22. cranbers
    Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts. I have just seen a missed caller id erase from this guy calling last niight/early this morning at 2:15am when I was at work. All caller id's were erased except for this one, which she missed I guess. I am not sure what to think or say anymore. She is supposed to go to some work related party that has been in the works for months. So she is going to go and I am going to work. I am going to make a surprise stop here at 2am and see what I see. Any monkey business and I will be leaving monday morning. My son will be taken care of as I get situated. We are beyond counseling on my end, at least with me staying here anyway. As a lot of you know after reading all my posts this relationship is horrible. She is manipulative, she lies about horrible things. Like talking to an attorney saying everything will be in her favor. Her mom has taken her side and will testify I was an abuser towards her. When she didn't. She tells her family nothing I have filled them in on everything, behind her back of course. So yeah im done. I just have to get the courage to leave and know I am doing the right thing. She has some how been able to use this sister thing for years and I can't even imagine how hard it is on my loved once that I tell this story to. I bet it's painful to hear. So I need to do the right thing for myself, my son and my loved ones and that is to stop hurting them all, including myself. My wife is obvoiusly not hapy with me and what others have said, she probably doesn't want me but something keeps me here, some kind of security or I provide something that she needs. Financial support, someone to watch our son, just doesn't want to be alone etc. so once again thank you all, you have helped me so much. YOu have no idea how nice it is to be able to post like this certain things and get responses that confirm all my thoughts and allow me to believe I am not the insane one or nutty. I have been lead to believe that I am this horrible human being for 4 years, because I talked to my sister. Anyway thanks thanks thanks.
  23. cranbers
    Well she is talking to another man and tells him stories about me. She even hung out with him all week end day and night. She claimed he is just a friend and if she cheated then I did with my sister. so yeah, doesn't make much sense to me, but I thought maybe someone else could make sense of it. I mean I understand the difference between a man who is a "friend" of your wives and familiy. Would I have cared if she was talking to her family? Nope.
  24. cranbers
    Ok so my wife, says that because I talked to my sister behind her back (because she hates her and hates me talking to her) that I am cheating. That it qualifies as emotional cheating. yes I did talk to my sister about our relationship and how messed up it was. I told her details that my wife would find personal and damaging to her as far as being a good person/wife/spouse. So telling my sister these things naturally would make my sister, just like most of the people here say get away from her and protect yourself. So by definition emotional affair is talking to someone else behind your spouses back, keeping it secret because you are afraid of what would happen if they found out etc. Here is the offical definition: An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. So with that in mind is she right? I mean its a weird question but im starting to think she is right which is unfortunate.
  25. cranbers
    This is some more good tid bits. Stefanie: i do believe that had we continued, something would have happened i do acknowledge that but, we did not 9:35 PM i need to be able to read this me: well at least you admit that. So with that in mind I am done, I am obvoiusly not what you need. i will not pretend that things are ok anymore. Stefanie: when have you pretended? me: I dont need some other man sticking his in you to figure that out. Stefanie: you told me three weeks after we got married what a i was 9:36 PM and that your whole family thought so that's not pretending me: your not turnig this on me i acknowledged all of that. its done. Stefanie: you acknowledged it, but did not do anything me: and what are you going to do about this? Stefanie: so, i am acknowledging that i could have done something, but didn't 9:37 PM if you love me, i would stop, since nothing has really even started if you don't, i will keep having friends and eventually find someone else i hope
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