Jump to content

beebee

Silver Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    430

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    2

 Content Type 

Everything posted by beebee

  1. beebee
    thank you... God bless... beebee
  2. beebee
    has it been a year don?... wow... life does fly by doesnt it?... i couldnt be happier for someone like you... be well and happy... God bless... beebee
  3. beebee
    (Is it better to be alone? concentrate on work/school?) quote from buba yes darling... it is... what else are you going to do?... God bless... beebee "i love you but, you dont rollerblade"...
  4. beebee
    buba... i see such a paralell between you and i... its so hard to forget... i dont think there has been a day in 3 1/2 years that i havent thought about him... goofy isnt it?... i wonder many times if im addicted to pain... anyway, after reading your thread, there was one thing that struck me... you are going for your PHD and he is a pothead going nowhere... id bet the "dog, farm and first born" on the premise that he felt inferior to you in many ways... instead of being proud of being with someone like you, he became resentful because he knew he couldnt compare with you... you were way above him in his mind... so thereforeeee, he had to bring you down to his level by hurting you... make sense?... not that it may mean a whole hell of alot at this time because your in such pain... im praying for you still... be well... God bless... beebee "i love you but, you dont rollerblade"...
  5. beebee
    I never managed to move on. after reading other people's posts on ENA, I realise that it's abnormal to still grieve like this after two years...people usually move on after a while... dear buba... i too am grieving after 3 years... ive just managed to start accepting that he no longer loves me (crazy isnt it?)... so yes, i do feel foolish also and i understand how you feel... i will be following your progress and i will be hoping and praying for you to heal... God bless... beebee
  6. beebee
    sigh... i feel everything you wrote also... i really dont have anything else to say... you know exactly how i feel...
  7. beebee
    i guess i understand... lol... how would you have hurt her if she stayed?... by disappointing her again?... im sorry darling... i remember exactly when my ex said those words to me "i see no future with you"... it took the wind out of my soul... he never spoke to me like that before and yes, you are right, he was angry... incredibly angry even though he admitted to me later that i had done nothing wrong... there were other things he said in anger that i just couldnt and cant get out of my mind... i wonder why?... ive had people say things to me in anger that i just shrug off and say "to hell with you!"... lol... but from him!... it was horrible... o well... onwards and upwards... life moves on... just a little snippet from the past that i wanted explained... thanks darling... God bless... beebee
  8. beebee
    "I did tell her repeatedly early last year that there was no future for us...all the while hoping to draw her back in, but I guess it didn't work out too well." orlander... i respect you very much... ive read your posts many times and i believe you have great insight in matters of the heart... i just have to ask one thing... why oh why did you tell her this?... my ex did the same thing to me saying "i see no future for us"... it broke my heart and pushed me so far away... why would you think that saying something like that would bring her closer to you?... why do people play mind games and say things they dont mean to get a different spin on what they want?... i just dont understand...
  9. beebee
    this is a tough question... and intriguing... ive been both dumper and dumpee and as the dumper i felt such relief... a big huge sigh of relief... with that also was the realization that i must have had my head examined for even being in the relationship... like, "what the hell was i thinking?"... lol... as the dumpee, it was painful... really really painful... its hard to move on, etc etc... it does force you to examine yourself closely but it also leaves you with so many unanswered questions... again, maybe it is ego... i only felt betrayal, not ego... are they the same thing?...
  10. beebee
    your right lovestragedies... he never did love me... ive understood that for a long time now...
  11. beebee
    your amazing buba... truly... youve been through so much and weathered such pain... everyone on enotalone has felt the same thing but in different circumstances... its not pretty to watch or read... it hurts all of us to see you in such turmoil... i too am in pain after 3 years so i can understand... i will say one thing though... please look into having your anti depressants changed... i was fortunate enough to get a doctor that gave me an hour of her time devoted to finding the right medication for my dilemmas... it was cymbalta... at 30 mgs it wasnt working... then the doctor suggested that i "up" the meds to 60 mgs and to STOP DRINKING... one counteracts the other... this i didnt know or look into... it has helped immensely to the point were i actually not only think straight, but feel the consequences of my breakup and to lay the blame where it belongs... please look into it and keep up the therapy sessions... when its all said and done and you get your mind in order and see from an objective view, i think the one thing that we all feel is anger or disgust at ourselves for being foolish in believing in love (or our ex's)... dont fault yourself for trusting in him and hoping he would change... you have lost so much and there is absolutely NO NEED for you to feel foolish or silly for calling... weve all done it at one time or another... some of the crazy things we do when we are in love and in pain... amazing... look at the astronaut and what she did for love... i never went to that extent, but i can surely say i understand her obsession... know im praying for you... beebee
  12. beebee
    sorry enotaloners... my quote was wrong... this is the correct quote (i think)... lol "relationships are like sharks... they have to keep moving forward or they will die... what we have here is a dead shark"... woody allen (annie hall)
  13. beebee
    i used to think, way back when, that closure was another term for something you couldnt put your finger on... anotherwords, it was bs... i realize now that it isnt... i personally, was left with many questions, but the main question was "why?"... i waited until i thought i would go out of my mind... then i called and asked... the reasons were lame... they were so lame and ridiculous that they were laughable... then i realized that he wanted "out"... period... end of story... the lame excuses were nothing more than that... excuses... he didnt feel the same way about me that he had before... so, there was my answer... i dont understand the dynamics of a relationship... i guess i never did or will... i thought naively that when someone says "i love you", that it means just that... they love you no matter what... i was wrong... beebee "love is like a shark... it has to keep moving forward or it will die... what we have here is a dead shark"... woody allen (annie hall)
  14. beebee
    hi my darling jen... what an absolute surprise to see you again!... im so happy life has changed for you and all is going well... as to you donster, what can i say?... you were the charming one?... you were the one with the ego?... yes, i can understand... it seems that my ex was constantly trying to make others love him... he did this with his charm... only thing was, i was there to listen to his comments after the one he was charming left, which were sometimes cruel... im just shaking my head... i need to find a reason for being on this earth... pain permeates me and im so tired of trying to surpress it... all of the requisite pills and therapy cant offer me the one second of happiness that i would love to have... its way too painful to breathe... is it possible that some people are not meant to be happy?... that they set themselves up for pain from others?... im just so tired of trying...
  15. beebee
    you have nothing to apologize for... we understand... we make mistakes and thats what makes us human... just start again... you will be fine!... God bless... beebee
  16. beebee
    make your list and you will see how you were disappointed... i too have a long and exceptional memory... i feel sometimes as if i have a video tape playing in my head... i can see what he wore, what i was wearing, where we were, the atmosphere we were in, his facial expressions and most importantly, his words... i can repeat them verbatim... he, of course, has forgotten... sigh... its hard to face the truth donster, especially when its about someone we love... my therapist thinks that my pain is based solely on "ego"... lol... she also thinks that i suffer from "post traumatic stress disorder"... all terms that are mumbo jumbo and an excuse for being hurt... she may possibly be right... how dare he hurt me?... im the best!... im perfect!... noone has ever had the temacity to hurt me before!... im the one that leaves the relationship!... whatever... but the post traumatic stress... hmmmmmm... maybe she has a point... you also may be in that category, especially when you say that you wont allow anyone close to your heart again and will not trust as easily again... ahhhhhhh Lord... just make me an airhead for awhile so i can be like our ex's... !!!!!... so i can just go on about life stepping over dead bodies to get what i want and not worry about others feelings or the word "committment"... how the hell did our parents do it?????????????!!!!!!!!... dont be charmed by his charm donster... my ex was so damn charming that i would defy any person, man or women, to not fall under his spell... i have a feeling that your ex is the same way... my ex could emote his way out of anything and because i wanted so badly to believe him, to want so badly to find some reason why i gave up everything for him, spent so much time on him, etc etc that i made excuses for him... big mistake because it took me longer to heal... he is/was a boy trapped in a mans body... a selfish, domineering, overpowering, greedy, egotistical sob who made excuses as to why he let me down... so is your ex... they will burn out darling... eventually... karma may not be involved, but the law of averages of life will be...
  17. beebee
    you are the last person i want to allienate donster, so my comments are not meant to hurt... your ex was selfish... he took advantage of your "open" relationshig thingie and ran with it... big mistake... end of story... once you realize this and not make excuses for him, the better off you will be... the more you come to realize this conclusion, the clearer things will be... its too soon for you to accept this... of course we are all human!... of course we all have feelings and dont expect to intentially hurt another... or do we?... do we look at life as a kill or be killed type of situation in order to make excuses for our bad behavior?... your ex did it to you time and time again... not what you want to hear, i know... i didnt either... i made excuses for his behavior also... he loved me... he did it for this reason and for that reason... finally, the truth dawned on me... it wasnt the kind of love i wanted... he wasnt the man that i thought he was... ok, i could go on and on and bore the hell out of you, but the truth is he didnt care about how much he hurt you, ... do you do that to someone you supposedly love?... the answer is no, you dont... ever... and you know what im saying is true... you just cant accept that reality yet... its not to make you hate... thats not the point... i wish you only happiness and i want you to find another who will return you the kind of love you deserve... your grappling with this... i can see it... where it leaves you is not my guess... im left with hate at times... personally i dont want to feel anything at all and im assuming thats the place you want to be so you can move on... do me a favor please?... dont ever start that open relationship stuff with your next... and yes, i know what you mean when you say that in a gay relationship, its different... its not... it happens in straight relationships also and most times it leads to disaster... its not the natural nature of things... if we all do what we want, we will have chaos... there has to be rules to relationships or they fall apart... ive said way too much... i care about you because you talk from the heart... i understand and so do many others... yes, i love that song also... lol...
  18. beebee
    Since You've Been Gone Here's the thing we started off friends It was cool but it was all pretend Yeah yeah Since you've been gone You dedicated you took the time Wasn't long till I called you mine Yeah Yeah Since you've been gone And all you'd ever hear me say Is how I pictured me with you That's all you'd ever hear me say But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time Im so movin on Yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get What I want Since you've been gone How can I put it? you put me on I even fell for that stupid love song Yeah yeah Since you've been gone How come I never hear you say I just wanna be with you I guess you never felt that way But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time Im so movin on Yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get I get what I want Since you've been gone You had your chance you blew it Out of sight, out of mind Shut your mouth I just can't take it Again and again and again and again Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time Im so movin on Yeah yeah Thanks to you (thanks to you) Now I get I get what I want I can breathe for the first time Im so movin on Yeah yeah Thanks to you (thanks to you) Now I get (I get) You should know (you should know) That I get I get what I want Since you've been gone Since you've been gone Since you've been gone
  19. beebee
    ironing and time to think... lol... absolutely adorable and so true so true... sigh... your the type of person that looks into his past with such thought and searching... searching for the answers or anything that can make you understand and deal... to come to terms with the fact that its over and done with and you have done the right thing for yourself... all of that is well and good donster, but the end result is always what we "feel"... no matter what you may discover, the feelings are still there... feelings arent right or wrong, they just "are"... thats the sadest part of all... the residuals of a relationship gone kapoot, for whatever reasons... the love of your life was a selfish, greedy, uncaring little bastard... you dont need me to tell you that... do you believe in karma?... i never did, but im starting to... will he get his one day?... hopefully some day for you (and me), someone will mention their names and we will say "who?"... lol... some day right?...
  20. beebee
    just checking in everyone... ive been extremely busy and wanted to say hi!... hows my little angel?... lol... stop giving him all that booze!... happy holidays everyone! beebee
  21. beebee
    mornin des... hows my little angel?... no i dont mean you... lol...
  22. beebee
    dear sweet john... we all know how you feel... you have to understand that... i realize that this is a sticky situation for you but its not impossible to fix... you are feeling guilt i guess and youve answered my question about "buying another dog"... of course the answer was in front of me all along... i just refused to see... again dont beat yourself up about this... you were honest with the lady and that is the most important thing... you may have to reiterate your feelings about this with her again to make sure she truly understands your actions... i think maybe she felt she could turn you around, or maybe she was just offering you some part of herself to ease your pain... you wont know until you speak with her about it... i know you will be kind and thoughtful with her when you speak with her about it... she may be so open minded and turn into a good friend who can help you through all of this... who knows right?... there were many times when i was dating after my break up that i could have reached out to another for comfort with sex, but i just couldnt do it... i knew the consequences... i was afraid to trust again and i also was afraid i would hurt someone else, but i wanted the closeness badly!... strange dichotomy... i had written to you in a private message to go to your doctor and get on anti depressants... i can only reiterate this again... you initially wrote that you were on wellbutron but sometimes thats not enough... it can be coupled with another, stronger drug... also please seek therapy john... it wont hurt you and can only help... your pain brings me back and hurts like hell... your a sweet person and know that this does get better... the residual feelings of hurt are devestating, but times goes on and so do we... we must accept and move on... we have no other choice... thank God for our friends on enotalone... again, pain binds us together... weve all been there and are sympathetic... beebee
  23. beebee
    des... dont hurt the cat!... hes my ... lol... we are a bunch arent we?... pain binds us together... each of us has a story that is truly heartbreaking... another question... im sure youve all heard the saying "when your dog dies, go buy another dog"... ive always equated that with lost love, strangely enough... i mean look at it this way... if your relationship ends, you just find another person... right?... it seems to have happened to most of our broken relationships... our prior partners all seem to have moved on to another person, thereby making them bounce back with the "new thought of love"... of course, we all know they are "under the ether" in the beginning of each relationship... when they come out of their twilight state, then the real fun begins... lol... ok... its early... ive only had 1/2 cup of coffee and my eyes are half open... but you do see what im saying dont you?... it may be a quick fix, but at least it stops you from all this pain... you just start focusing your energies elsewhere and it keeps you occupied and cushions the pain... no?... but we always have heard that to go on to another person too soon is destructive... why?... because you havent handled why the previous relationship failed?... i think thats bs... in my previous relationship, the goofball told me that he learned SOOOOOO much from being with me... he learned how to deal with women... how nice that he learned at my expense... apparently he didnt learn enough because hes having problems, but doesnt every relationship have its problems?... how do these people stay together for 30, 40, 50 years?... you see two older people walking, holding hands, and its lovely!... how much they must have put into their time together without "buying another dog"... i have to go to work... i was on a roll here... im not making any sense, just my thoughts again... i drive home from work lately and i think, "why am i allowing this to happen to me?... why am i focusing on all this hurt and pain when life is so short?... i could be dieing inside of some terrible disease and boy, wouldnt that take my mind off of him?... why cant i just LIVE my life with content?"... so many questions to be answered... i hope i find the answers some day... i just want some peace in my brain and to stop hurting... love to you all and have a good day!...
  24. beebee
    i love that cat!... lol... gotta get me one... just one question and then i will sit back and read everyone elses posts about whatever is on their mind about themselves... no more about me... do you all think im still in love with him?... i cant decipher anymore... and yes lone... ive said that so many times in my life... "the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference"...
  25. beebee
    no... i didnt loose my marriage... strange but true... my husband and i are back together... i never thought in a million years that he would change, but he has... his attitude towards me is totally different and im different... he was extremely controlling when we were together... he no longer is and as for me, i no longer let him or anyone control me... what i lost was my home... my husband and i were not rich people... we put most of everything we had into our home, which was after all that time, beautiful... the man i left him for insisted that i sell it and come to him... insisted, constantly... insisted that i get a divorce... insisted, constantly... so i did... we are talking alot of money i lost... sigh... aside from that im just angry and i cant put my finger on why?... am i mad at myself?... am i mad at the man that drove me to do this?... was i so pathetic to be led and controlled that i gave in to him?... how sad for me... but i thought it was love... i truly thought he loved me... im just shaking my head here... what is my problem?... most of all i dont want him to be happy... thats the main thing... he screwed me totally with no thought and now i want him screwed... i cant loose that thought... it consumes me... why?... why the hell do i give a hoot?... who cares?... i should be dropping this stuff and focusing on building my own life again... what am i whinning about?... what deep seeded major malfunction is in me to continue this?... ergo, im nuts... see?... most people would say i deserve it because of what i did... who knows?... karma?... wish i believed in it... will karma hit him?... again, why do i give a DAMN!... maybe one of you can see when i cant...
×
×
  • Create New...