anabanana

thanks everyoine for the encouraging words and advice. what i am truggling with at this point is onctacting him. i am still in a complete state of shock- i mean, i have lost my husband and supposed best friend of 3 years... i keep wanting to write him e-mails or call and ask for details, or just go off on him and tell him how badly he has hurt me, or do something vinidctive to him... i keep having these nightmares and am having a hard time getting a full night's sleep. i know i am better off without him, that this is really a blessing in disguise, but it's still really hard and i don't know where to project all my anger and disappointment and hurt if not at him...

my soon to be ex-husband and i separated in april. he moved out at the end of april and our agreement was not to date other people and work on things. i get a letter from him a week later telling me he doesn't miss me, has no hope for our future, wants a seperation or divorce. i don't hear from him after that, nor does he contact me or do anything to back this letter up (pick up his stuff, start divorce proceedings, nothing). in the beginning of june, we meet up and have a great time. i asked him then if he had been hooking up wiuth other people and he said no. i foolishly believed him even though i had noticed he had been talking to this one girl alot. i figured they were just friends. we continued to hang out and the initial excitemenst started wearing off. he started acting like a jerk and treating me badly again. i asked him several times if he had been hooking up with other people and he said no. so things aren't going so well and we don't see each other for awhile. his sentiment was that he didn't really want to see me. but then in the beginning of july, i get a phone call from him about how much he loves and misses me. he starts taking me on dates. things are going well. i'd decided to move to california a few weeks back, so he wants us to date exclusively, etc. he helps me move my stuff to his parent's house, and while we're there i grabbed his work notebook tpo write down a number. on the first page of this notebook is a drawing he did of this woman he had been sleeping with... so then i read his journal. turns out he had been sleeping with her for awhile, and also had feelings for her... what kills me is that he continued to sleep with her after we started hooking up again, and they had unprotected sex... after i confronted him and asked him again if he had slept with anybody else, he said no. can you believe that? he went for a walk, and i had his dad drive me to the bus station. that was the last time i saw him. i filed divorce proceedings first thing on the following monday. i just can't believe it. we lived together for 3 years. he also had a one night stand with this other woman... we spoke the day after i found out and he told me he met her in bar when he was drunk and they went to her place... i spoke with her and she said that they met at the bar, but went on a date a week later and went home to his new place to have sex. what a liar!!! i just can't believe it. he is so selfish! he said that he thought our agreement was that we could date other people as long as we didn't tell each other about it... funny that i don't remember that. oh, and neither one of them knew he was married. and he told the one night one that he was divorced. i am completely devastated. i feel like someone has ripped my heart out... i can't stop obsessing about it. i actually think he may have been sleeping with that one girl before he even moved out in april... luckily i am moving cross-country and will never have to see him again, but it just hurts so much and i can't stop crying. he knew that sleeping with other people was the worst way he could hurt me, and that it would ruin all chances of reconciliation... i don't understand why he brought me back into the picture... i am so hurt... and you should have seen the vulgar things he had written in his diary... i just can't believe i misjudged him that badly. so yes, please, any support or advice or tips on how to heal and move on would be greatly appreciated. i would like to hear from people who have gone through something like this... and for anyone else with kind or encouraging words.

thanks for your concern. you list the exact reasons why i am scared... i've thought about it quite a bit though and have the basics figured out (where i will stay, what i will do, etc). we were in california before we moved back to the east coast, so i have alot of friends out there. i probably wouldn't have done this if things weren't the way they are with him. but i am the one who has been living in our apartment, and that's difficult. plus, having him so close is difficult... additionally, i live in new york, which is becoming tiring for me. during the 6 week break we took, i went out to california and was so much more relaxed and happy than here... i miss the nature and pace of life out there. the reasons we moved back to new york was for career reasons, to be closer to his family, and so we could settle down for a bit (we moved around alot). career-wise, things here are not the way i want them, so there is nothing left here for me. i do love my friends here, but i don't think that's enough. i guess part of the motivation is to hurt him and make him realize what life without me really means. but honestly, i am mainly doing it for my own emotional wellbeing and sanity. i need the change and fresh start. maybe me moving will make him realize he does want to make things work and make him take some actions to that end. maybe it will make both of us realize that breaking up was the best thing to do. when we first started dating, he moved cross-country to be with me. i don't think distance is a factor when it comes to love- if you want it to work, it can. but then i know i need to let go of this hope or expectation that he might come to his senses once i move... i need to start moving on, and i can't seem to do it with him so close by.

thanks to everyone for their responses. after the nasty e-mail last week, and after he decided to go to maine instead of hang out with me, after he refused counselling, and after he didn't even have the courtesy to ask me how i was doing, i decided i was moving cross-country. i had told him i was planning on doing that when we first saw each other after the 6 week break, and he said that made him anxious and that he didn't want me to... so i postponed my plans for a month to see how things went with him. so since he was gonna get laid off, we were going to go backpacking through central america. but then he backed out of that for financial reasons, and told me to make my plans regardless of him. so i did. i am moving 3,000 miles away in 3.5 weeks. i have not heard from him in a week, and have not told him i am leaving. i do wonder how he will take it, and i do think it will finally sink in for him what he has done. but i can't keep doing this because it is breaking my heart. and the more i think about it, the more convinced i become that he does not actually love me. this is a hard realization to come to, but the fundamental concept of love is caring for somebody else... his actions over the last few months have indicated quite the opposite. we were friends before we dated, and even then he wasn't very emotionally supportive. i couldn't rely on him- things were generally on his terms. then during our relationship he was completely devoted to me in a way that wasn't healthy. i think even that devotion was motivated by self-preservation, the whole, "what will i do without her" sort of thing. it is just very sad for me to realize all of this now. i am getting scared about moving. i have done it before, and have many friends where i am going, but moving there is actually going to end things... and a part of me hopes he will somehow miraculously surprise me, though i know he won't.

hello all. back in april, my husband moved out after a very difficult 3 months. during this time, he lied to me alot and manipulated me psychologically and emotionally without even being aware of it (very passive aggressive). in our relationship he has always been very calm, but apparently was bottling up alot of negative emotion instead of venting it as it came up, and it ultimately came out in this really up way. it took him 3 months to acknowledge that what he was doing was trying to make me feel as insecure as he has felt. anyways, although we agreed to stay in touch and work towards reconciling, a week after he moved out i got a letter from him saying he doesn't miss me and wants a divorce. i never responded to the letter, and there was NC for about 6 weeks. then i contacted him, we met up, had a great time. we have been seeing each other about once a week, and it has been such a roaller coaster. it's a whole "love you/love you not" concept. last week he told me he was feeling anxious about things again. he has told me he doesn't really miss me or think about me (mind you, he has a mural of me on his new bedroom wall). i don't know whether that's true or whether he is just very unaware of himself... in any case, it hurts to hear. he said he doesn't really want to hang out. but he also said that he wants to give things another try b/c he made a commitment to me that he takes very seriously. i told him not to feel obligated b/c we're legally married, and he said it wasn't that, but that he loved me. he says he is torn up between this "commitment" and how he feels in the moment, so he's confused. i feel completely abandoned and hurt. what cracks me up is this whole commitment thing... the only commitment we made was to have each other's backs at all times. he violated that when he just walked out on me and abandoned our relationship. he is completely unstable and very selfish. last saturday, for example, i found out my parents are getting a divorce and called him up and asked if i could come over. he was like, "umm, not really"... after awhile, he invited me over. then the next day i invited him to dinner and he said no. i told him we should just make a clean break, and he said he doesn't feel comfortable defining things that way. then on monday i called a few times to get insurance information. he was supposed to get laid off at the end of july, but apparently he got a new job. when he called me back, he was at a mutual friend's birthday party. it hurt me feelings that 1.) considering that he knew how awful i was feeling, he didn't invite me to the party, 2.) i told him i had 2 dr's appointments and he didn't ask why, and 3.) he didn't call me to tell me he got a new job. the next day i wrote him an e-mail and asked him to spend the weekend at my place since my roomate is away. i also told him that if we're going to hang out, we need to be dating and romancing each other. he wrote me back a really mean e-mail saying he doesn't feel like romancing me, blabla, that he doesn't really wanna hang out, that us seeing each other may be premature, that he is going to maine this weekend, didn't ask me how i was doing or anything, and signed the e-mail, "take care". we had talked about that before, how when there's alot of heavy stuff in an e-mail, i really need him to put something postive in there, and that signing off with a "love" is enough. the fact that he didn't is just so up to me at this point. it seems like he is just being petty and mean, and i don't think i can take this anymore. but i do still love him, and i feel devastated. he is sending me such mixed messages. essentially, he's saying he wants to give it another try but he doesn't want to do any of the work required (communication, seeing each other). he has explictly refused counselling. i guess i know i need to let him go, but it's so hard...

my husband moved out about 3 weeks ago and i haven't spoken to him since. we had agreed to be separated and work towards something positive. i got a letter from him a week later saying he wanted to break up, that he didn't miss me, and had no hope for our future. i have been implementing NC, and it has been going well. it hurts like hell, and i miss him, and it's confusing because his actions haven't backed up his words. he hasn't come to pick up his stuff (and he left alot of stuff), he hasn't cut me off his health insurance, he hasn't filed any paperwork, he hasn't done a change of address form... i mean, he hasn't even changed his status to "single" on friendster. so it's confusing. i am leaving the city for about 10 days on saturday. i will be going to california, where we lived for 2 years. when we moved back east, he left alot of his records at my friend's house. i know he would really love to get those records, so i was thinking of mailing them to his parent's house (not his apartment) when i am out there. would that be a bad idea? should i just leave it alone? i am trying to work on forgiveness, and i don't want to start acting in a bitter way. this is something i would do for him as a friend... but do you think it might violate the whole "i need space" thing?

i have posted about my situation before. basically, my husband and i had a really rough january-april. we did all sorts of hurtful things to each other... we've lived together since we started dating 3 years ago. at the end of april he moved out. we saw each other and the deal was that we would be separated- we would keep contact minimal but would work towards something positive. it all ended on a really good note and we had fun with each other. we agree not to see other people. so he moves out that day- he leaves a whole bunch of stuff behind. i leave him a message the next day and then on the weekend to tell him i got a greencard and to please come and pick the rest of his stuff up (i had a subletter move in). i don't hear from him at all. so the following week, on wednesday, i left him a message asking him to come pick his stuff up while i was away at a v-ball tournament, i told him i loved him and missed him, and i told him i wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he should get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or talk about our future. i get a letter from him on friday that he wrote on tuesday (a week after he moved out). in it, he said he had a moment of clarity, that he wants to break up, that he doesn't miss me at all, and that he has no hope for our future. no explanations, no nothing. at the end of it, he said, "i know you'll want to get together to talk about this, so let me know a time that works for you." i haven't heard from him in any way since- it has been about 10 days since i got the letter- 2 since he wrote it. i haven't contacted him either since he did say before he moved out that he really needed time and space from me and i am trying to respect that. but i am really confused because i am not sure if we are broken up or what. since the letter, he has not taken any action to back up what he said in the letter. he hasn't come to pick up his stuff, he hasn't done a change of address form, he hasn't cut me off from his health insurance, he has paid for the electricity bill, and he hasn't changed his "friendster"" status to single or anything. what the hell is going on with that? i don't know whether to get in touch with him or wait for him to contact me. i feel really abandoned and hurt- how does someone just cut someone out of their life like that? how can he just give up so easily? do you think the letter may have come out of anger and the time apart might make him see things differently? i am so confused because a part of me is hopeful, but another part is bracing for the worst... i'm leaving the city for about 10 days this weekend. if i don't hear from him by the time i get back, i guess i will give him a call and see if he wants to meet up for dinner and see how things go. we really only have 2 options- either we completely break up, or we start dating again very, very slowly- like seeing each other every 2 weeks and keeping contact minimal. or should i just assume we are broken up and let him contact me, no matter how long that takes? it is devastating to think that he just abandoned me like that. he was my best friend and boyfriend of 3 years. the last day i saw him he was telling me how much he loves me.... and then he moves out and suddenly overnight he forgets everything, stops loving me and missing me?

hi superdave, i have enjoyed your posts- they have given me some inspiration and insight. i wanted to get your advice on my situation. my husband moved out of our apartment 2 weeks ago. we have had a really rough beginning of the year- lots of arguing, jealousy, emotional abuse. i had been threatning to break up with him for months, and we flipped back and forth on that, and then at the beginning of april he sort of snapped and decided he couldn't take it anymore. i am very external and he is internal, so he said he needed time away to heal his wounds. he said that he had tried to be optimistic about our future throughout this whole ordeal, but that he was now losing that endge and could only see the negative. we saw each other the night before he moved out. we had a very nice night and talked about stuff and we agreed to separate and not see other people and give each other time and space and just see where things went. but we did agree to work towards something positive in the future. i e-mailed him the next day thanking him for having me over, and then asking him to come pick up more stuff since he left ALOT of stuff in the apartment. i didn't hear from him at all, and then a week later (on wednesday), i left him a message saying i wouldn't be at home on saturday and that he should come pick up his stuff, and that i loved and missed him but wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he can get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or when/if he is ready to talk about our future. anyways, on friday i get a letter from him in the mail. he had mailed it out on tuesday. in it he said he had been thinking alot and had had a moment of clarity, and wanted to make a clean break and start moving on. he said he didn't miss me and that he had no hope for our future... that friday he also had a housewarming party at his new place to which i wasn't invited. his new roommate also hates me for some reason, so i am sure he gets alot of negative reenforcement from her. so, obviously, the letter was really hurtful to read. i know he can be very stubborn... but i partly think that the letter may have come from a place of anger, and isn't necessarily an accurate indication of how he is feeling. if he was serious about that stuff, wouldn't he have come to pick up his stuff on saturday? he hasn't actually taken any steps to back up his words. i haven't contacted him at all since the message i left on wednesday. i am not going to contact him at all. i think this may be a test of some kind- one of the reasons we broke up is because i am too "intense" for him.... so i guess i am just going to leave things alone, work on my own self-esteem, and maybe he'll get in touch with me in a couple of weeks. maybe he'll start to miss me. if i don't hear from him in 3 weeks, i will contact him and start the divorce proceedings. does that sound like a good idea? but should i assume we are broken up? what do you think about this? how does someone go from hot to cold so quick, from adoring me to suddenly slicing me out of his life? i don't get it... i can't believe he said he didn't miss me at all- this was written only 1 week after he moved out, when, honestly, i didn't miss him that much either... i was relieved. but it really hurt to hear that and i am worried he won't miss me. anyways, i am hurt and just need some encouragement. thanks.

hello all. i haven't seen my husband since last tuesday- almost 2 weeks. when we saw each other (he was moving out that day) we had a nice time and decided we were going to be separated, would keep contact minimal, but would still see each other from time to time and would work towards reconiciliation. basically, jsut give each other time and space. i received a letter from him this friday that he wrote on tuesday- a week after he moved out. in it, he says he had a moment of clarity, wants to create a clean break and start moving on, that he doesn't miss me, and that he has no hope that we will get back together... i am very confused. i had left him a message on wednesday (before i got the letter) that i wasn't going to be home on saturday and that he should come by to pick up his stuff, and that i loved him and missed him terribly but that i wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he can contact me when/if he feels like seeing me or talking about our future. i am hurt, and very confused. he didn't come to pick his stuff up on saturday, and i haven't heard from him. part of me feels (or hopes, i guess) that this letter was written out of anger, to hurt me. it was just so mean... i have decided to do nothing, just let things be and not contact him in any way. maybe with time he will realize he does miss me and want to reconcile. maybe he won't. any advice? anyone gone through something like this?

hey, thanks for the response. i agree with you on the 2 possible scenarios. i think it is probably #1, which is so petty and immature... i am not sure if she is attracted to my husband, this is a possibility, but i am definitely sure he is not attracted to her. either way, i have decided i don't really give a * * * * what she thinks about me, she has no right to judge me, and i am not going to allow her to make me feel bad. i'm definitely not getting invited to this party, and i actually really don't care. i called my husband and left him a message telling him i will be gone all day on saturday and will leave a set of keys for him so he can come and pick up his crap, i told him i love him and miss him, and that i will not be contacting him anymore by e-mail or phone or anything- he can get in touch with me when/if he feels ready to see me or if/when he wants to talk about our future. i am reaching a point where my anger is taking over again, and i am not feeling positive anymore, and several people have been reminding me that i should take this time to think about what i want in my relationship, and whether he is the man for me. my mom told me to make sure that this wasn't just a case of wounded ego since he moved out, and not real love... it's hard to stay positive about a future with someone when they can't even contact you to take care of practical things like picking up their goddamn laundry. and we established certain rules (we're separated, will still see each other about once a week, etc), and he hasn't followed that, which is just a repeat of our entire relationship problem. we have a discussion about some issue, we decide what to do to reslve it, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. i am tired of that. he is 26 and is a very emotionally immature man who hasn't been communicating alot of things to me over the course of our relationship, and he let it build up until it exploded in this whole scenario where he had me believe he fantasized about sleeping with his 17-18 year old students and like half his co-workers... he made it sound like there were lustful attractions to almost everyone he is around all day....and he lied about stuff and dragged it out over 3 months, and only recently admitted that it's all bull, he thinks some people are cute, that's it, and that he was doing that to make me feel as insecure as he has felt through the course of our relationship. now isn't that just * * * *ed up? what kind of a twisted passive aggressive way is that to express your anger? it's confusing since i love him, but i don't think we're a good match, and i am going to start moving on. thanks for the advice everyone.

so last night i was on the internet and looking through my little "friendster" site, and i noticed that my husband's new roommate had removed me as one of her friendsters... the two of them are co-workers and friends. i thought this was kind of mean, and it made me feel like she probably hated me and was talking alot of * * * * about me. i haven't heard from him for a week at this point and i feel really really depressed. anyways, last night i e-mailed her a message being like, "i hope you're well, i'm glad you're living with noah," etc, etc. then i invited her to be my "friendster". so this morning, not only did she decline my invitation, but she also deleted a testimonial that she had written for me a year ago. this just feels really petty and mean. i mean, i guess she is just being a loyal friend or whatever, but i don't really think it is fair for her to judge me. it makes me worry about the environment he is in and how it will affect his feelings about us. also, they are having a housewarming party on friday, and i don't think he is going to invite me. we are not technically broken-up. we are "separated", not dating other people, working towards a positive future and keeping contact to a minimum. but this is just starting to feel mean and vindictive, and disrespectful. i regret contacting his roommate now, but it's too late to do anything about it. i just have to be the bigger person. but i will be very, very hurt if i am not invited to this party.... i mean, i wouldn't go, but i should get an invitation, right? and as far as the roommate thing, i wanted to establish a friendly vibe with her since i might be going over to their place from time to time, and i think her reaction is really immature and hurtful. what do you think? i think that if he doesn't invite me or contact me by then, i am going to break it off. i love the man, but this is ridiculous- we're not in high school.

thank you for the encouragement... it's just so hard- i don't even know his address... but you're right, i just need to lay off and give him time. i should focus on myself and just work on my stuff, and not obsess so much about him.... thanks again.

hey all, my husband and i (we've been together for 3 years) have had an extremely trying and emotionally draining last 4 months. it all started in mid-january after a VERY stressful year (me studying for the Bar exam and working 11 hours a day, him going to school fulltime and working full time)... we have said and done extremely hurtful things to each other since then and it jus kept escalating and escalating... we are both to blame, and about a month ago it got to a point where we decided we couldn't take it anymore and needed time apart to heal and recover. my husband decided to completely remove himself from the situation (he is much more internal than i am needed some time alone) and has indicated that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and that he thinks we should break up but is hopeful about our future. no boundaries have been crossed in terms of infidelity or anything, but serious issues have come up or us (he has alot of pent up resentment against me, and he has brought up alot of insecurity issues for me). we love each other, but things are really difficult right now, so i need soem support. he moved out of our apartment last tuesday. we saw each other the night before and had a nice time- we ended things on an optimistic note. i e-mailed him that day thanking him for letting me come over, and that i had a nice time. that night when i came home, i saw that he didn't take alot of stuff and called him to ask him to please come take more of it since i had a subletter move into the spare bedroom on saturday. i didn't hear from him. i called again on saturday and left a message for him to please come and get his stuff, and i alos told him some good news i received recently. still no word. he has asked for time and space and i am really doing my best to give him that. i am anxious and want to hear from him since it is very hard to remain positive when i get no response or anything from him when i reach out. we agreed to "separate" and not date other people and just work on ourselves... i just want him to come over and take his stuff (he has a whole load of laundry in my room!) and think it is disrespectful that he hasn't contacted me about it. i also want to see him. i miss him terrily and don't know if i can do this. i fear that things will not end well and that he will break up with me. our relationship has generally been a good one. but i am worried e may have pushed each other over the edge. i am hurt he has not gotten in touch. should i just let it be and not call him or e-mail him anymore? any advice?

that's true... i think maybe it's a masochistic element of my personality that wants to know what she looks like- i just want to make sure she is actually cute! he has insisted that it was a harmless crush and that i am the only one he loves and he thinks i am the most beautiful person. but she is also the only woman from work that he can specifically remember masturbating to, and it just bugs me. he says he has never thought about being in a relationship with her or anything, and hasn't put much thought into it. she's just nice and he likes her and she's sexy. he says she has nothing i don't have, it's just an innocent attraction. i don't see our relationship working anyways... he is moving out today... but if it does work out, i will pobably end up meeting her at some point anyway since they work together... but probably not. he has really damaged my self-esteem and sense of security with all the lies and decption in the last few months. now he has decided he can't do this anymore and pretty much just stopped talking to me altogether. very mature. i guess a part of me does want to compare myself to her, which probably isn't a good idea... i don't know why i am so curious!

my boyfriend and i are pretty much breaking up at this point. it has had to do with him telling me all sorts of unnecessary things about crushes and fantasies involving his teen students and co-workers... turns out he was telling me this stuff not because it was true, but because he was being really mean and vindictive and wanted me to feel as insecure in the relationship as he has felt. but anyways, he has had one crush since we have been together, and they work together. it's a harmless crush, whatever, but i can not get over this desire to see what she looks like. it drives me nuts. i really want to just go to his work and see her (he's only there from 4-6- he works somewhere else in the mornings). is this nuts? i think it might just put my mind at ease since i'll finally see her and the mystery of it all will be gone. but another part of me thinks this is pretty crazy behavior. it's not like he cheated on me or anything- i am just so curious about what she looks like. thoughts?

i read something like this in national geographic. last month's, i think. the cover says "LOVE" on it so it should be easy to find.

thanks for everyone's input. to answer some questions: our sex life is actually very good. we have sex about 4-5 times a week, and we've been living together for 3 years. and he says these fantasies only come up about once a month... and you know, it's not the fantasy part that bothers me, it's that he lied so much about it. and the fact that these fantasies seem to be exlcusively dedicated to co-workers and students is also disturbing. if there were tv people or random people he saw on the train or whatever, it wouldn't be as bad, but it's mostly people he works with and likes. so it seems like he is focusing in on them sexually, which make me uncomfortable. and it's so funny now because he was lying about it for so long, and is now trying to convince me i have nothing to worry about... and i'm like, "don't you see the paradox there? you just spent weeks lying to me and completely destroying my trust, and now you are asking me to trust this is all insignificant?" i mean, asking me to trust anything he says is a real stretch. and since he has told me, he has become so much less attractive for me... i have lost so much respect for him... i agreed to work on our marriage and my only condition was that he be completely honest with me... and what does he do? he spends the next 2 weeks lying to my face every day. i almost think he is a compulsive liar and am wondering what sorts of things he may have lied about in the past. and i would be curious to hear from men out there- is it unusual to exclusively fantasize about co-workers and other people you see at work? shouldn't it be a broader category?

yeah, he did, and then he backed out of it and said he just thought they were good-looking but didn't fantasize about them sexually. he maintained this lie for the last 2 weeks, and was lying to me every single day as i asked him, "are you sure?" since i just felt like he was full of * * * *.

my husband has admitted that he has crushes on several people at work- around 10 people, i guess. they are all women he not only thinks are physically attractive and sexy, but are cool people as well. he has admitted that when thinking of other people while masturbatng, he premoninantly thinks of these women (some are teenagers, but that's a whole other issue). he has fantasized about having sex with them and has had crushes on some of them for a long time. he insists this is all insignificant and he would never act on these attractions. he doesn't think i should feel threatened by it. i should also tell you he has lied about this and tried to cover up these crushes for the last 7 weeks because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" and make it seem like a bigger deal than it was. i think it is very troubling that he exclusively fantasizes about women he is in close proximity to every single day. he insists it is purely physical, but i on't think so since he actually likes these women as people as well.... also, the fact that he has these "crushes" on so many people makes me feel threatened and like he is seeking something outside our relationship. on top of that, by lying about things he has shown himself to be very non-trustworthy. what do you think?

okay, so things have taken a turn for the worse.... i have really tried to believe and accept his recent story about not actually having crushes on these girls and just thinking they are good-looking and not sexualizing them at all.... this never really felt right since i had a gut feeling he was lying to me. so, for the last 2 weeks, i have been asking him every single day, "are you sure you don't have crushes on these girls? are you sure you don't view them sexually?" and he has been like, "yes, of course." i never totally believed him, but he would get so adamant about and mad that i wouldn't believe him. i had asked him several days ago if there were any girls in his program now that he found "good looking" and he said no. then on friday, i found out there actually are 2 girls he likes that are still in the program. and then it came out eventually (after many, many hours) that he had lied, that he did indeed lhave crushes on his students and co-workers, that he has fantasized about sleeping with them and finds them attractive. this is all after i had agreed to work on our marriage (he had been lying to me for 5 weeks at this point already) and had implicitly insisted that my only requirement is absolute honesty. i told him if he lied to me again that would be it. and he consciously chose to continue to lie to me... his excuse is that he didn't want to hurt me and make it sound like these crushes were more significant than they were. but that makes no sense, since if they are so insignificant, why is he hiding them and lying about them? here's my deal- he has told me that the times when he is thinking of other people while masturbating, he is predominantly thinking about his co-workers and students. he doesn't seem to understand that this is threatening... he is essentially telling me he has desires and lustful feelings for people he works with and interacts with constantly. not only are they people he finds attractive physically, they are also people he likes as people. he insists it is purely physical, but i just don't buy it. and aside from that, what he has demonstrated at this point is that not only is he sexually sttracted to people that are very accessible to him, but he is completely untrustworthy as well. i can't believe he had been lying to my face during these last weeks when i thought things were getting better. i am breaking up with him and moving out. thoughts?

very true. sounds like the roles in our relationships are very similar. we are now working on really understanding where the other peson is coming from and respecting their needs and boundaries. looking at it from his perspective is so useful because it reminds me that his silence in crisis situations is not meant to be intentionally hurtful. it's just the way he deals. and i think if he understood that i need the external validation to properly cope and am not asking questions to put him on the spot or make him uncomfortable, some of the resentment that is an inherent part of our interactions would lessen.

haha, so true... yeah, the legal training certainly hasn't helped my personal life... i have always been kind of intense- i'm not afraid to say what's on my mind and tend to call people on their bull * * * *. i mean, i remember people telling me i should be a lawyer since i was a little kid. i am not afraid of confrontation and come from a very loud, boisterous family. i can acknowledge how my approach can be really scary for my husband, who comes from a very calm, laid back family. they NEVER raise their voices and always give each other time to cool off before dealing with issues. i am very impatient and demand a response immediately, which really tends to make my husband flustered and confused, and he ends up saying stuff he doesn't even mean. our coping mechanisms are just so vastly different. so i guess we just need to figure out how to find a middle ground. i need to change my behavior so he is more comfortable speaking up, and he needs to be confident enough to speak up... the couple's counseling is helping.

thanks scout. i guess the best thing that has come out of this is that it has forced him (well, both of us) to deal with issues that have been plaguing our relationship from the start. he has really been making amazing advances with communication and sharing how he's feeling. i am a firm believer in brutal honesty, and have always been very honest with him... so while i totally agree with you that hearing some of this stuff can be really painful, i would much rather just have the truth right away than have to wade through all the bull * * * * and still have to ultimately deal with the truth. i am really good at sniffing out lies. but yeah, this has been good too because it has brought to light the ways in which i make it really hard for my husband to talk to me and be honest with me. i react angrily and can be really mean when i am upset. also, frequently i don't really listen to him and i have a tendency to read stuff into what he is saying that isn't necessarily there. and i have this tendency of coming to some sort of conclusion and then questioning him in a way so that he will give me answers to support my views... it's hard to explain. but yeah, i guess we're just going to see where everything goes. but at least we're making steps in the right direction. and people have told me that the first year of marriage is the hardest because it's when things like this get "ironed out". i just hope one day we can look back on this and laugh at how absurd it was. thanks again for your advice and input, and for taking the time to read through my rambles. it really helped alot, especially at the peak of the drama when i thought i was gonna die! so dramatic, i know, but i can get really caught up in whatever emotion is consuming me, and sometimes it is so good to hear a rational and detached perspective.

i posted separately on recent developments with this weird scenario. thanks to everyone for their input. we've been in couple's counselling and doing alot of talking and fighting. we have been close friends since we were 19, and have lived together since we were 22. we are genuinely best friends, and spend alot of time together. we have had serious communication issues in the past, and i have felt that he has repressed alot of his own doubts, worries and resentments about our relationship. i think that resentmnet came out in a pretty vindictive way over the last couple of weeks. well, anyways, at this point i genuinely believe that what happened was a huge misunderstanding (some of that is explained in the other post). i have never doubted his love for me, or his desire for me, or his respect and admiration for me. we have a very active and healthy sex life. what was so traumatizing about what happened with my husband is that he lied about it, and he made it seem bigger than it was. alot of those things were said in anger, and he thought he was communicationg something completely different from what i was perceiving. he thinks a few of his teen students are good-looking. i have seen them, and i can tell you, they do NOT look like they are 17, and are indeed very attractive. he also thinks alot of his co-workers are good-looking as well, and women he sees on the subway and on TV. he does not have a fetish thing for teens, nor does he lust after them. apparently, he doesn't even fantasize about them sexually, which was another misunderstanding. so i feel that this is something perfectly normal- he thinks other people are good-looking. if he was sexualizing them or fantasizing, that would be a problem. but good god, i see tons of people i think are good-looking just on my way to work. he has expressed that he felt really resentful about being put on the spot like that and interrogated (and i had snooped in his journal and had been really mean) and that he said things to be vindictive. i have been reluctant to believe that the damaging things he said weren't true, but i know better than anybody that things said in anger are not necessarily accurate expressions of feelings. and i know that he is not lying to me now. so, yeah, i am trying to forgive and let go and move on. i am not sure whether we will stay together or not, but i need to stop dwelling on the pain he recently caused, remind myself of all the times i have caused him great pain, and try and remember that our relationship has always been fun, playful, open and loving. my intensity and his mellowness work wonderfully in our normal lives since i pull him out of his shell and he calms me down, and we really play off each other well. in intense crisis situations, however, it becomes difficult, since his response is to close up and mine is to attack. and what happens is i interrogate (i am a freaking lawyer, so you can imagine what that looks like) and manipulate and corner him in alot of ways. and he wants to close off, and ends up saying stuff he doesn't mean... and i have a tendency to only hear things that support my idea at the moment, so, for example, i will ignore him telling me about how much he loves me and how sexy he thinks i am, that i am his world and all that and just focus in on one slip of language like him saying, "i am attracted to these women" when all he wants to say is that he thinks they are good-looking but doesn't actually have any desire to pursue anything with any of them. and he has been adamant that he has never even thought about it, which is hard for me to believe since i have thought about being with other people. so i think i have been placing alot of baggage on him and not really listening to him. but i think things are getting better. thanks to everyone for your input and support.

do you live together? well, it sounds like there are serious trust issues on your end, and for good reason. he has lied to you about talking to other women, which probably makes you suspect that there is something he wants to hide. maybe he doesn't think it's even significant enough to mention since he knows the kind of reaction it would elicit. i am a really passionate person and tend to get jealous easily (even when the rational part of my brain sees that there is really nothing to be jealous of). my husband doesn't tell me things sometimes just to prevent a passionate reaction to a situation that is harmless. but that becomes a catch-22 because him not telling me about it makes me think he's hiding something and makes me get really suspicious. so it turns into a silly cycle. and i think this is more a result of insecurities created in my previous relationship and i have to remind myself that it is unfair that i am taking that out on my husband, who i know would never cheat on me. do you think he has ever cheated on you? do you think he would ever betray you like that? it sounds like he is devoted to you and your son, even though he is not the most in-tune partner emotionally. it sounds like you had a pretty bad experience before him that has seriously damaged your expectations of men. there seems to be an expectation, almost, that he will do something to hurt you. it's not a good sign that you have repeatedly told him how you feel and what you need and he has done nothing to make the necessary changes. have you considered counselling? how long have you been together? is your sex life good?