deejay74

so i have been on NC for about a week and some change. yeah, it sucks, yeah i still miss her (people think i am crazy for missing her since she's been sooo cold and mean to me). even though i deleted her off my friendster and myspace lists, i keep checking her profile which i can't seem to help for some reason. she's not seeing anyone as far as i know, her status is still set to "single" but there are new pics on her profiles taken after we were broken up. she looks good i must say and it makes me sad that i can't see her in real life. i don't even know if she noticed i deleted her off her lists, she probably doesn't care anyway. *sigh* - i really, really can't wait til i don't even care about her profiles and whether or not she's got new pics up there. it will be 3 months at the end of this month since the break up. i pray to god that by summer i'll be over this completely. the missing is the most agonizing part of the whole thing.

i guess i want to be friends with her (when my romantic feelings subside) because she wasn't like this when we were going out, i know how she can be as a friend, i've seen how she treats her other friends. she was my best friend and my gf. i've lost both, i understand i can't get the gf back but why not the friend? she enriched my life when we were going out and i would like that back again, hopefully i enriched her life. this isn't about getting her back as my girlfriend anymore. what i also have had a hard time understanding is that when she broke up with me, she never told me it was because she didn't like me anymore or that she didn't love me, it was because she's too busy and overwhelmed with school, work, interning, etc, etc. which in reality, is a legitmate excuse. so why does she not want to have anything to do with me if all my other good qualities are there? i really think we can be friends. i guess i am delusional (as she called me the last time). i hear and understand what you are saying but i am friends with my other ex. look, i am not trying to get her back (i know what my screen name is but i created it right after i got dumped) - all i want to do is to have her in my life. yes, i know she's been nothing but a b**ch to me since the break up, but i do have to take some of the blame for not leaving her alone. who know's how things would be if i did, but i was really hurt and did things that i shouldn't have. i keep thinking to myself that she's been treating me this way so she can move on and to make me move as well. maybe this is her way of dealing with it too? she literally was the best gf i've had on so many levels. she and i had the most things in common out of every girl i've met. no she wasn't perfect, but again, no one is. i am terrified that i won't meet someone better than her or meet someone that has as many things in common as me. everyone knows commonality is a big part of having a great relationship and all the great ones i've had are the ones where we share a lot of the same interests, thoughts, goals, etc. - i am gonna be 32 years old this year and i didn't meet anyone like my ex in the 5 years that i was single since my ex-ex and i split. so at least having her around as a friend would be alright, especially when i am "over her". people with common interests usually have friends that are similar, maybe i can meet a friend of hers that is similar. it was really hard to find a person like my ex, even with her bad qualities, it's going to be harder to find someone BETTER than her. does any of this make sense? the interests, tastes in music, style, and everything that my ex and my friends all share are not common to everyone. so trust me when i tell you that my circle of friends and the girls i've dated are not a part of the "norm" - so again, losing her as a friend is almost as disappointing as losing her as a girlfriend. as i am getting older, it's harder to find, not only girlfriends, but new friends that have those things in common. music is a big part of my life so that is important to me that my friends and gf's share the same taste. sorry if that sounds shallow but it is THAT important to me. i am trying very hard not to sound like i am self-defeating or a pessimist, i am only going by my experience with this. i really am trying to keep a positive attitude about my future relationships and i am trying to be patient, but it's very hard when it's based on my past experience with these things. maybe i am making it out harder than it really is, i don't really know. thanks for your help. [EDIT]oh, and she only said she didn't want to speak to me because i basically called her a sl*t without saying it. i did apologize for it too, but i guess that's moot. [\EDIT]

i've read this post over and over again, thanks so much for posting this, it has been an inspiration. unfortunately, i still think i closed the door on any contact or friendship with my ex the last time i called her. but this post has been giving me strength. who knows, she may eventually call, but i doubt it.

what if the last time you spoke to your ex thinking the convo wouldn't be bad for it to blow up into an argument where things were said on both parts that hurt and then the conversation basically ending up where the dumper says to the dumpee to never talk again? this happened to me, i was the dumpee and after the conversation i apologized to her on the phone and in an email the next morning. in my case, i figured things are completely finished on all levels. any suggestions besided the one i already know: give it time, like a long time (maybe months). and then try to contact her.

no, please don't! please try very hard to move on from this girl. find someone else or do something to stop thinking about her. i know how you feel but my ex has not made ANY attempts to contact me, it's been all me who's broken NC and i've regretted everytime. i do want her to contact me but i don't think that will help me until i've moved on because i've been hurt everytime i saw or spoke to her, even though i tried to act like it doesn't bother me. i've been reading this thread and everyone on here has given you great advice. just stop responding to anything and she'll EVENTUALLY get the message. you really need to try and move on as hard as you can. it'll probably be the best thing you can do. just ask yourself, what would you get if you replied to her messages? you may get a response back but so what? is she going to ask to work things out again? and if she does, will you? so what's the point in responding?

it's been about a week and 3 days since the last time i broke NC and it blew up in my face. i remember after i made an insinuation (?) that my ex was sleeping around, she told me never to talk to her again, then i apologized to her right then and even via an email the next day. but why do i still miss her? even with the way she basically was a complete b***ch to me afterwards and how she said all she cares about is herself? sometimes i think that she was treating my like this so that i could, and she could, move on and not let get feelings in the way but i am not so sure. all i remember is how she treated me pretty well during the relationship. i AM getting used to her not being in my life and now we're out of contact, but it is still pretty hard from me to accept - although i know she probably won't be in my life anymore, i always find this saddning - especially after long periods of time with NC. and now, i still hope that we can rekindle the friendship when i have moved on, because i really think that if we can be friends, it wouldn't be so bad. the other thing i keep thinking about, and i don't know why, is my ex is going to leave for london for a month to intern for school and i feel this need to see her before she goes. i think it's because when we were seeing each other, i was supposed to go and visit her for about a week or 2 and then i remember her saying she may not come back if she gets offered a job there. at any rate, the longer i go with NC, the more i seem to miss her even though i am getting used to her not being in my life.

yes, i am seeing a therapist and it is helping a lot. there may be underlying issues within yourself that are preventing you from moving on. it may not be the break up itself. the therapist can help you uncover those issues that may be adding to the difficulty of it. not only that, they can help you with any other issues you may be having. to answer your question about finding one that can help with your specific areas? call them up and ask! it's as simple as that. or if you have any friends or family members that have been seeing one, ask them. referrals by word of mouth works best in my opinion. if you have ever heard of link removed, i would post a question there, people are usually helpful on that site. good luck.

wow, this is great. i need to print this out and post it to my computer. i hope you won't mind if i do! yeah, i always knew NC was for my healing, i guess i just couldn't wait long enough. i am an impatient person and that's why the saying "time will heal" is the hardest part for me to accept and work on. as many of you know, days drag on and weeks drag on. it's only been 2.5 months for me since the break up but it really seems like about 5 or 6. good news is, it had gotten better, even with the set backs i've had. again, my point to the original post on this thread was to get an idea on how, over long periods of NC, it gets better, worse, or the same.

you know, everyone says when the other person dumps you it's "their loss", is it really? what if it really isn't? what if they're better off without you/me? i am not saying that's what happened to me, but i sometimes feel that's just a way to make ourselves feel better. i think the dumper could be saying the same thing about us. they're glad to have gotten rid of us and it's our loss they had to break up with us. you know? just playing devil's advocate. and i am not trying to make it hell for myself, all i wanted to know is how it feels to go that long with NC b/c i haven't. i am hoping it gets better because at the 3 week mark, i get this withdrawal feeling and get these strong urges to call my ex.

pedro, just like with what the others have been saying, i know what you are feeling. mornings are the toughest, especially if your ex was in bed with you a lot. i can tell you that it will subside over time. the worst days for me where the weekends cuz i didn't have to get up and go to work, i had the ability to say in bed as long as i wanted. the longer i stayed in bed, the more i thought about things. listen to the people here when they say get up immediately and start doing something. get out of the house, really! staying in only makes things worse, trust me, i have done it. what helped me was to spend weekends at friends' houses. that really helps because when you wake up, you're not alone and then you can hang out with your friend(s) and get breakfast or do something with them the next day. again, i know how you feel. i've lost many hours of valuable sleep in the early morning hours and it really sucks. it has gotten better, i still think about it now and then but the intensity of feelings do subside. i am not quite 100% over it, but it is manageable now.

especially if you're the dumpee. how has it been for you? do you find yourself missing your ex more, or less? how many of you are dating right now? if you are, does it make you think about your ex less? is it getting harder as time goes on? do you want your ex to call you? just wondering because i have never gone more than 3 weeks until i break NC and i want to go beyond that. i am getting sadder and sadder as time goes on but i am doing my best to get on with my life. i really would like my ex to contact me just so i know she either a. still thinks about me and/or b. still cares. (not so i can get back out with her). i still wanna know if she wonders about me for some reason.

why "jeez" - i am seeing a therapist and it's helping A LOT! they are professionals and can help you sort out your feelings and issues. like my therapist was saying to me, it's not about my ex, it's about ME. perhaps it's the same for you. try it out, it can't hurt and there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

i'm sorta guessing here, but it seems like this is a case of wanting what you can't have. she "beat you to the punch" and now you're the one who was left behind and now you feel hurt because of it. now that you found out she's with someone else, you now know getting her back is not going to happen. i don't if this is accurate or not, just a guess.

hey RC, thanks for your reply. what is DSB by the way? just curious. not comparing the "old" with the "new" is pretty hard, i guess time will eventually enable me to stop, but i guess right now it's inevitable. my ex definitely left an impression on me both good and bad. i was thinking about that saying "the best way to get over someone is to get under another one". for some people that may help, but i guess it may not be the right time for me. over the past 2.5 months, i think i have done just about everything i could think of to get myself over the break up and my ex. it seems like nothing works all that well and the only thing left is time. the problem is, waiting for it is very, very hard. in addition, the dwelling has subsided a little bit but it's still there, and i am very tired of it.

No doubt! i admire your strength jl301, i sincerely wish i had your will power. i am still upset over the times i broke NC, espcecially the last time. 8-[ looks like you'll be able to stick with it!

you guy's are right but for some reason i wasn't expecting this. prior to me going out with my ex, that's all i really did was have casual sex and i had no problem with it. but now, after i got dumped, it's an issue. man did my ex screw my head up! ](*,) i think i am going try and not think about it too much and take njron's advice and just have fun. i DEFINITELY do not want a relationship right now.

i thought i would be happy about this but i am not so sure i am. this cute girl messaged me the other day off a dating site and we met up last night. she's really cute, very nice but not someone i would like to be in a relationship with. we ended up going back to my place and ended up sleeping together. we sort of established that this is pretty much all it's going to be, meaning no relationship but we'd still hang out and "have fun". well afterwards she had to go home and at the time, i felt really good about myself as it was a real confidence booster (i really needed a confidence boost since the break up) and i was thinking that i can finally cut all emotional ties with my ex and completely move on. many of you know that one thing that was bothering me about my ex since the break up was whether or not she had been with someone since me. after last night, that didn't bother me one bit. however, this morning, i feel weird, confused, and empty inside. what happened from last night to this morning? most people would think i would be happy about what happened last night but i have all these mixed emotions and feelings about everything. even with all the crap and treatment i got from my ex since the break up, i almost miss her more. am i crazy? i should be happy or at least feel a little bit better, right?

you're doing fine. what you're feeling is normal, i still feel those things too. it has gotten a little bit better over time but those feelings you've described still cycle through me. this morning i woke up and felt fine, but as i sat on the train on my way to work i began to think about my ex again. the intensity of emotions which i felt when looking back on our relationship and her have died down, but not completely. so you'll be getting there in due time. just keep up with the NC.

keep going on, you're doing ok. you responded to my post the other day in which i contacted my ex and it completely ended up the opposite way in which i wanted it to. if you don't want to risk that, then do not call. just use me as an example. hang in there!

thanks for the post. it gives me something to look forward to. it has gotten a little bit better, but i am sure you know, the slowness can be agonizing sometimes. for me, though, it always makes me sad that the person you were so close with and so intimate with is now just another person - a person that you (i) will most likely not speak to again. why does that part hurt so much?

yes i agree, it will be a good distraction from thinking about my ex. i just hope that i don't compare the 2 too much. and of course i won't talk about my ex, that would be a definite no-no. thanks for your help again, scout - and to all who replied to this post.

well i took your advice (sorry njron, they ARE ladies afterall) and messaged her. i gave her my email address in the message and she replied right away! in her email i she gave me her AIM screen name and i replied with mine and we chatted for several minutes, it went well! so we'll see how this develops. she already asked me if i would be interested in meeting her for a beer (she's a fellow beer lover!). didn't set a date, but she asked if i would be willing. thanks again everyone!

first of all, thanks screechytires for your reply, it does make me feel better. i am about to hijack my own thread...lol! i've noticed a pattern in the women that i seem to choose, this is not done consciously and i wonder if it is coincidence or not. it seems that i end up liking, or dating, women who are either emotionally unavailable or too busy and too wrapped up in their lives and i don't know why this keeps happening. my ex dumped me because she was too busy and the last time we talked she revealed to me that i was "emotionally draining" and i believe i was like that because she was emotionally unavailable and too self-absorbed and concerned with her life. prior to that, i liked this one girl who also was "too busy" and was never available to hang out. we only went on 2 dates and nothing every happened with her. i am beginning to see a pattern with the women i choose and i don't see the warning signs until it's too late. the other thing i've noticed about these 2 girls, plus the my first girlfriend, is they've ALL had some sort of parental absense. my recent ex hated her father, he left her family when she was young and he was a drug dealer. she grew up very poor in Louisiana and is the first person in her family to go to college. when we went to new orleans to visit her family, she didn't even call her father. the other girl who i only dated twice also hated her father. she's not incontact with him and didn't invite him to her graduation from Columbia University. My first gf's mother died when she was only 11 and doesn't have any siblings. She found out later that her father was not her real father. She had some issues too. why do i keep finding these types of girls and why am i so attracted to them? I just realized this pattern today. any thoughts or opinions on how to see the warning signs? or should i just make myself "too busy" as well?

this couldnt have come at a better time! i've never posted in this forum but now i need to. i have a profile on link removed and this one cute girl sent me a message today. the thing is, i never know how long to wait to respond. i am ALWAYS online at work and at home so normally, if it were a friend who sent me an email or whatever, i would reply immediately. but since this is a potential "date" scenario, i don't want to come accross desperate. i feel if i reply right now, or even later today, it may come accross as such but at the same time, i don't like playing games too much. any advice would be appreciated.