deejay74

hey ineedhelp, i know exactly how you feel. i tried all the remedies people on here suggested, including going to the gym, but for me, the only thing that helped is time. i am sorry that this may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth. here i am, 5 months to the day since my ex dumped me, and i am not completely healed. i have come a long way and i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, so hang in there, it's going to be rough and very difficult at times, but you will pull through. somedays you're going to be up, and the next you will feel as if you relapsed, but it's all part of the healing process. give the gym some time before you feel the endorphin rush, it took me almost a month to feel what everyone was talking about. another thing you may want to consider, which i did and i am glad i did, is to see a therapist. if you're going a long time with no sense of progress, it can help. and i often wonder if my ex ever knew how much i loved her and how i still do to some extent. i don't think she realized the pain i have endured these months and i don't know if she would care at all. you seem like you are capable of giving a lot of love, so cherish that, don't be afraid to love like that again. i am in the same boat and we just need to find someone who can love us like we did our exes. take care of yourself, don't suppress the sadness you're feeling, and post here as often as you need to. you will get better, i promise.

hi everyone, it's been a little while since i've posted. i am going to give those people who are having a hard time letting go something that i have discovered within myself that may help them. i am going to get very personal but i don't mind, as so many people here have helped me. it's about time i try and help others. but i must say i'm not completely healed yet, but i am very close - i can feel it. but first i would like to say that today, my ex leaves for her month long internship in london, and then she goes of to spain on portugal. some of you may know i have been dreading this day because i was supposed to go with my ex, and this is the last bit of detail i know about her life, after today, i know nothing. i am on the fence about how i feel: i am happy for her, yet i am also jealous and sad that i can't accompany her like we planned. i'm still somewhat concerned that she may meet someone while she's overseas, but i know there's nothing i can do about it and she's free to do whatever she wants. today also is exactly 5 months since i got dumped. it's been a very hard 5 months for me. i was completely devastated by the break up and, unfortunately, i did a couple of stupid things post break up which upset my ex and now i haven't seen or spoken to her since march. i sent her an email about a month ago saying i just wanted to smooth things out between us and that i felt bad about how i acted those 2 times i saw her and the last time i called her. (you can read my old posts about it). so when the people on here give you advice and tell you to go NC, do it!!! don't make my mistakes and act with your heart, it will only make things worse and you will feel worse about your situation. and/or you will make things worse between you and your ex. i really wished i listened because my ex and i would probably be friends now. now during this whole time, i have done EVERYTHING people have suggested to help me get over this and move on, but honestly nothing really worked. the things that really worked is time and seeing a therapist. it was excruciating and still is at times, but they are the only things that helped me. one thing that i have had trouble with, and still do to some extent, is letting go of my ex. i've always had this small part of me that just refused to let go. i couldn't understand why because, logically, i knew exactly what was going on and what i needed to do. what i have discovered is, i have had some abandonment issues and the constant need for approval from external sources, namely my ex. this has stemmed from my childhood upbringing. i somehow replaced my mom with my ex. the other thing i discovered NOT to do, is to have my life revolve around my ex. when i was with her, she became my life, i stopped hanging out with my friends, i stopped my hobbies yet she still had her life and did her thing. i guess it became too much for her so she dumped me. i inadvertently put her up on this pedestal and when she left, my world came crashing down. i had no more self-worth because she was gone. sometimes i get so mad at myself for not seeing this while i was with my ex and i am so upset that i had to lose her to discover all of these things. and i am also upset that i had to ruin things after the break up. so please, those of you who are struggling, just look at my old posts - do not make the same mistakes as me. there are a couple of books that helped me too: Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go - by Susan Forward and Journey from Abandonment to Healing - Susan Anderson So how do i feel today? i still miss my ex like crazy but i have accepted things . i am finally getting my old self back and i don't think about her as much, but it's still a daily occurrence. i am trying very hard not to beat myself up too much over the mistakes i've made, especially post break up, but i did try to patch things up but it seems like my ex doesn't want to because she never replied. i am sad because she leaves for europe today and because she hasn't contacted me in months and i haven't seen her since march. i don't know what the future will hold between us, maybe we could be friends again someday, i don't know. all i know is that i still have a lot of work ahead of me to overcome those abandonment issues and my constant need for approval. it's very sad to me i had to lose someone i love to realize this, so for those of you who can't seem to let go, you may have these same issues. so listen to what the people on here have to say, they're looking out for you and they know what they're talking about. this site has done wonders for me and i thank everyone who offered their advice, even though i didn't take all of it. take care everyone! things do get better, i promise, it may not seem like it, but it does.

so did i do something to deserve the pain and suffering that my ex caused me when she dumped me? i treated all the women i've dated, and have been involved with, very well. so what did i do that karma now wants to flex it's muscles on me? hmmm... 5 friggin months and i am STILL not over this crap completely. ](*,)

i thought this was a pretty good post so i am bumping this one too. hope you all don't mind.

wow, what a great post. i love reading these, it gives me hope as i am not completely over things yet. i admire your strength to get through this tough situation life has dealt us. thanks for sharing your story.

oh man, i am right there with you on this one. for instance, i am in the process of making a new drum n bass dj mix that i am going to upload to my homepage when i am done. i am gonna send an email to all my friends when complete and i was thinking about including my ex in the email in hopes that she downloads it before she goes on her trip. she and i are very into the electronic dance music scene and i know she's gonna be hitting up all the clubs while she's in london, and drum n bass is very popular there (for those who don't know). i am hoping that a. she does download it and b. if she does, i hope she's constantly reminded of me when she hears drum n bass in london. i never made her a mix when we were dating, although i planned to but then she dumped me, so who knows. anyway, i broke NC like majord did about 3 weeks ago. i sent a very similar email to my ex and of course she didn't respond. so now i have to really think about whether or not i want to include my ex in that mass email i'll be sending out when my mix is done and uploaded. i have some time to think...

wow, i thought i was the only one feeling this way. my ex dumped me and i always suspected it was someone else but could never prove it. from what i know, she's doing great. doing well in school, keeping really busy, she seems really happy, and she's going to london for a months internship and then to spain and portugal afterwards. so to me, it seems like she's better off w/o me and having the time of her life. i was left behind completely devastated, my self-esteem was shattered, i've been "suffering" for almost 5 months (even though this has been a life changing experience and i have made some life-style changes as a result) and i STILL think about her and get sad when i do. it's like, what did i do to deserve this? i didn't really do anything wrong to her but I am the one who's suffering and who's in pain. it feels azz backwards. ](*,)

maybe that's my problem!! hahaha, just kidding. thanks for those kind words slightlybent, i appreciate it and i hope you're right. in some way, i hope that my ex will regret her decision to get rid of me or realize that i was a good bf, and/or feel bad for not responding to my email. i won't hold my breath though!

thanks for your support not2shy. i was really close to calling her the other day to double check that she got the email, but then i realized it would've been a dumb move. man, i cannot believe it's may already. it seemed like when we were talking about my ex's trip to london back in early december, it seemed so far away, now she's leaving in 2 weeks. this has been a pretty tough year so far, i hope this summer things turn around for me. i can only hope, right?

i just wanted to get an idea of how many people out there took longer to heal than their actual relationship lasted. i am asking because my relationship lasted about 6 months and i am approaching 5 months since the break up and i have not completely healed yet. it's concerning me even though i have made a lot of progress in the past 4.5 months. should i be concerned or am i worrying about nothing? thanks in advance. hope everyone is doing well today.

now i am starting to get angry. she was online all day yesterday and i know this because she's still on my AIM. i saw her online for a really long time and she never replied to my email. just what i expected as you all know, but at first i was disappointed, now i am getting mad that she hasn't replied and i think this is good that i am feeling this way. during the whole post-break up ordeal i've been going through, i never got mad at her. i'm going to try and use this anger in a positive way by making me realize what type of person she really is, and hopefully it will facilitate me in getting over her completely. i am *this close* to a full recovery, i think.

jeez, first people suggested i change my name from "iwantherback" and now i am getting suggestions to change my avatar AND sig? lol! yeah, i was thinking about changing my sig, but i love that pic. i actually have that on my friendster and myspace profiles! i have had that pic for a while now and i think the look on the monkey's face is so funny. i was trying to be humorous with it. i think i'll change my sig now though, i've just been lazy about doing it.

once again, thanks so much for your replies major and blender. it truly has made me feel better about the situation and i am so glad both of you can provide me with a different perspective on things. i'm feeling pretty good today - it's been exactly 1 week since the email was sent. i did what i could and i can't do anything more (well, i *could* but it would only make me look really, really foolish) to show my ex i just wanted to smooth things over between us. her lack of reaction is a big indication on how she feels. well, now i have to keep letting time do it's thing. it's been a very rocky 4 months and a week since the break up. i have learned so much about relationships (i've read 3 books about relationships and breakups) and myself (via therapy, friends, and this site) and i can't wait for the day when my ex is no longer on my mind. the weight in my heart is slowly lifting as well. i'm hoping that once my ex leaves for london/europe that it will help me even more as she won't be in the country and there's no chance of me running into her in our part of brooklyn. we shall see.

i am just posting today to get some thoughts and feelings out, no real purpose but i am always open to and thoughts or opinions. okay, so it's been 6 days since i sent the email and i got exactly what i expected - no response. now even though this is exactly what i expected, i am disappointed that i didn't even get a response that said "no, i don't think meeting up would be a good idea". i have to admit, i am also a bit angry and feel disprespected by a lack of response. i didn't expect that from my ex because she seemed like a thoughtful, responsible adult while we were going out. at the end of the day, all i wanted to was to be a mature adult by admitting my mistakes post break up and at the very least, to leave things on good terms. forget about getting back together or remaining friends, i just don't want there to be any hard feelings or resentment or awkwardness if i see her again because i still care about her as a person regardless. what's funny is i thought about how she went on about her ex while we were going out. the very first time i met her, she ran into her ex while walking down the street in manhattan with me. they just said hi and gave eachother a kiss on the cheek. a few months later, when we were officially going out, she saw him at this outdoor dance party we were at and her best friend from texas with this us. i remember she spotted him and said "oh my god! there's steve" and basically ran up to him with her best friend and left me alone for a little while. then a couple of months later, she found out he was moving to china for a job and she found out about this through a friend. she was upset that he even didn't tell her and she wrote her ex an email when she found out. while we were going out, she would talk about how into his art he was and how that came before her. she also mentioned that i was a much better bf than him. but the reason why i bring this up is that it seems like i became her and she became her ex when we were going out. my ex was so wrapped up in her school and other things, and i was secondary. this wasn't the case at first, but happened after she started school. and then, she found out he had a girlfriend and said "i hear he's dating a fat chick" and didn't sound happy about it. oh, let me add that she had been broken up with her ex for about a year and was briefly involved with a few guys before me from what she told me. then after she broke up with me, i was hurt naturally and did a couple of stupid things and now it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. but yet, she knows how hurtful it is to be dumped cuz she was by her ex, and obviously she was still in contact with him afterwards and was happy to see him those times we ran into him. so what's so bad about me? what did i do that was so friggin awful that she wants nothing to do with me? i just don't get it. this is defintely helping me to move on but i just don't understand why i feel like such a bad guy. what i did post break up wasn't all that bad and i was sorry. she should understand how i feel but obviously doesn't care.

i made ALL of these "mistakes" and i am so upset i had to lose someone i loved to realize this. especially 1, 2, and 4.

blender, once again, reading your profound words has made me feel better. thanks one more time, and by the way, i sent you a PM. that's so true, i just thought it would be kind of funny if she did. that's all i really wanted, to walk away from this with some dignity intact. i think i have made a good attempt in doing so, and at the very least, the last thing she's heard from me was positive. sending the email has helped, honestly - even though i would be disappointed if i don't get a response. and iceman, thanks again for your replies.

i just thought of something funny. what if my ex has my email blocked? i don't think she did as she has 2 email addresses, which i sent to both, and she hasn't blocked me from AIM. but wouldn't it be ironic if she did? btw, still no response as of today.

thanks for those kind words blender, i appreciate it, it made me feel better. it's a hard concept to think everything is exactly how it should be at this moment b/c it doesn't feel that way, but i am sure you know what i mean. i hope the best is yet to come! majord23, you've been on this board for a while now too and i've followed just about all your posts and responses, and you've always offered great advice so to hear you've done something similar to me makes me feel like what i did wasn't so bad. i was feeling kind of guilty after sending it because i was worried it would make me look like a fool again. i hope that both of our ex's will have fond memories of us as we tried to leave things the best that we could. iceman26, crvers, slightlybent, blender, and everyone else - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!! it truly means a lot to me and i feel better after reading your replies. i am glad that i have done what i could to leave things on a positive note. i think i can walk away from this with my chin up, knowing i put forth some effort to smooth things out between my ex and me.

i already did, sunday afternoon. as of now, still nothing...again, not really expecting a response.

i am seriously hoping it will be it. i really cannot think of anything else i can do to show my ex i am sorry for a couple of stupid things i did after the break up and to leave things on a positive note. i would want to do the same if i had a falling out with a good male friend over something stupid i did. no offense, but i have been trying very, very hard to move on with my life - BELIEVE ME! this email is the first time in a little over 6 weeks that i've attempted contact, longest time ever for me. if there is anyone in this world who wants to move on so badly, it is me. you can run down all the things people have suggested to move on and get over the break up and i can put a check next to all of it. i really don't know what else to say.

i sent the email that i drafted 5 posts above on sunday afternoon. i have not gotten a response yet, which i expected. i saw her logged on AIM last night so i know she's gotten it. but, just so everyone knows, this was not an impulse to send the email. i sat on it for a couple of weeks before i decided to send it. i will be a little disappointed if i don't get a response even though it's what i expect. but, this is it, the final attempt to leave things on a positive note. there really is nothing left that i can do anymore.

are you asking me? if so, could you elaborate?

so i am still thinking about whether or not to call or send the email. i am more concerned about a phone call for the reasons i stated in the above post. don't you think because the last conversation when so horribly wrong calling again may not be a good idea? also, i am at a loss on what to do if she doesn't answer: do i leave a message? if so, what do i say besides call me back because she may not? any advice for either scenario would be greatly appreciated. thanks so much, i hope everyone is have a good day.

well, it really wasn't directed at scout. but yeah, i guess it does come off as seeking validation from someone. so what are the good things that happened because of the break up? here goes: 1. i have a lot more going on in my life: i joined a gym, started dj'ing again, i signed up for classes at a college that starts at the end of the month (it's only 2 classes but it's a start), i've been going to therapy twice a week instead of once (not sure if that's good or bad), i got a bike (which i am going to ride in the park after i post this), i moved (albeit it's closer to my ex, lol!) - when i was with my ex, i had nothing going on except work and her. my life revolved around our relationship and my ex was very busy. 2. i've done a TREMENDOUS amount of self-reflection. the break up has taught me a lot about myself and relationships even though this isn't the first one i've had. 3. i can actually save more money for myself. haha! 4. this ties into #2 - i'm learning how to love myself and how to overcome my insecurities. 5. i've learned not to rely on other people for my self-worth and happiness (this is a work in progress). i guess that's all i can think about right now. but here's the negative part of me coming out: i just wished i could have realized this while with my ex then things would've been different. it's a sh*tty feeling realizing this AFTER the fact. and here's the hope coming in: i wish that my ex can see that i have changed for the better and would want me back so that we could have a better, stronger relationship. but i know the latter won't happen. and i have changed for me but a small part of me wants to prove something to my ex as well.