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deejay74

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  1. deejay74
    well, i guess most of you would say no because i have to ask. my ex broke up with me almost 10 months ago and we've been apart longer than we've been together. i know i wasn't over it for the first 5 or 6 months, but since then, i've levelled off in my healing. i haven't gotten any better and i haven't gotten any worse. i still have some feelings left over for my ex and i have come to terms that i probably will forever, so does this mean i am not over her? is it possible to be over someone but still have some residual feelings for them? something also happened to me over the weekend. i was out at a club and saw a girl who looked EXACTLY like my ex but this girl was with some guy who was, to me, more than a friend. to my surprise, it didn't bother me that i thought it was my ex with another man. it wasn't her and if it was, it would've been the first time i have seen her with another person. at this point, i really would like her back in my life (i know some of you may think i am crazy to say this) but as a friend. i know that we're never going to get back together again (which does make me a little sad). so i am a little confused at this point. i have sort of given up on wondering if i am completely over her. yes i still miss her even though she has been consistently cold to me when i have seen her, which i still don't quite get but that's another post. i remember her good qualities, and bad, and that's what i miss about her (good qualities that is). what do you guys think? am i over her or aren't i? i can't seem to answer this myself.
  2. deejay74
    ok i am going to share some really personal info with you all. i was circumcised at age 10. yes, i remember it vividly and i can tell you it was one of the most painful things i had to endure. i've had my share of surgeries and nothing i can remember hurt as much as being circumcised. i mean, you're going to get stitches on your genitals!!! the stitches went all the way around the shaft about a half centimeter from the base of the head. i mean, imagine how that must feel. i, unfortunately, had some complications when it was healing so that made my experience even worse! if you're wondering if there is a loss of feeling in the "pleasure zone", i can't remember. all i can tell you is that my penis works great now!! i definitely feel what i need to feel and it feels good!! haha! as far as i can remember, there wasn't any real difference in the way things felt. maybe it's because i was a little too young to know about sex when i got it done. anyway, if your friend doesn't need to get circumcised because of medical reasons, then i wouldn't recommend it. my parents made me get it done so that i will "look" like the rest of the boys. the only real issue is keeping the head of the penis clean, otherwise smegma can form. hope this helps.
  3. deejay74
    hey crvers!! sorry to hear you're still going through some rough times. it's okay. to be honest, i am still not 100% over my ex either. we went out for only 6 months and here it is, almost 10 months since the break up and i still think about her everyday. anyway, i agree with the others. i think she's contacting you out of guilt and perhaps it may be a power thing too. my ex has always treated me like crap when i've seen her but yet she proceeds to send me a half-a$$ed "happy birthday" text msg on my birthday. gee thanks! you're better off by just ignoring her. don't respond to any more correspondence of hers. it'll probably just keep you from moving on if you do respond. hope this helps.
  4. deejay74
    hey juliana, i don't think everyone on SSRIs goes through these withdrawals. i guess 25th floor and i are the lucky ones. in addition, it depends on the types as well. those that have a shorter half life (eg; zoloft and paxil) tend to have these withdrawal effects. i just called 311 (nyc information) and asked about where i can inquire about free healthcare for students and/or free clinics where i can get enough paxil to taper off but unfortunately it's the weekend and being that tomorrow is a gov't holiday, i am not so sure i can get any help for a couple of days. i'll try anyway tomorrow. i didn't want to quit like this but i lost my job and have no health insurance. my shrink won't call in anymore prescriptions since he's not treating me regularly. there's nothing more i can do at this point. thanks so much for your prayers.
  5. deejay74
    hey 25th, i feel you. have you read my posts today?? yeah, what we're experiencing does suck! but we've got to be able to get through this. others have, so why can't we? i guess these pharmaceutical companies didn't really think too much about coming off them. it seems they had no "exit strategy" planned. or maybe they did but some people still go through these terrible withdrawals. anyway, you can PM me if you want. hang in there, i certainly am trying!!
  6. deejay74
    really? it will still show up on her bill?? hmmm, i didn't know that! oh well. i called her on her cell. she doesn't have a landline. yeah, i know we've all drunk dialed before but for me, the relationship ended 9 months ago and i never speak to her. i did see her about 3 weeks ago at a friend's party and that was the first time i had seen her in about 6 months. i am not so sure why i had the desire to call her, especially when she's always been pretty mean to me each time we did speak after the break up. i was also surprised in the way she sounded. she sounded wide awake at 3am. i guess i figured she would've been asleep, but i guess it doesn't matter.
  7. deejay74
    well, last night i went out in the city and went clubbing. the first place i went by myself and met a few people there but left that place and walked to another party that was relatively close by. i went to the 2nd place to meet up with my room mate. anyway, as i was walking through the streets in the lower east side, i was pretty intoxicated but not visibly. i was alone and for some stupid reason i decided to call my ex (i still am not sure why) but i blocked my number so she wouldn't know it was me. this was at 3am. to my surprise, she answered but i got scared and hung up. i deleted her number from my cell phone a while ago but i had memorized it when we were together. should i be worried? i mean, i know i shouldn't care what she thinks but i guess i am worried that she knew it was me. ugh, why do we do stupid things when we're drunk?
  8. deejay74
    you know what? these experiences i've had are making me not trust women. i mean, i've always had a hard time trusting females because of situations like i had last night and with that other girl i've mentioned. i've seen it happen too many times. i am not saying that guys don't do it, but in my experience, women seem to be much better at sneaking around. i have had 1 girl basically cheat on me and my last GF i suspected left me for someone else and started to develop a relationship while we were going out. then i meet these 2 girls who never mentioned their boyfriends and last night I got physical with one of them. To top it off, i've slept with a couple of girls a couple years ago and both of them had BFs but i was single. i know how i am - i can't be friends with a female whom i am attracted to. i just can't do it because i am always thinking about getting intimate with that person. so i don't have a lot of female friends. hmm, i am not sure how i can start trusting someone i am interested in, especially if we are in a relationship. some of it may stem from insecurities but most of it comes from me experiences with women. makes me a little frustrated and sad, honestly. i'm trying to remain positive like gnaba said and take the fact that the girl last night was attractive and wanted hang out with me, but then i think that she just wanted to be friends. hmph!
  9. deejay74
    right, so this year has been pretty rocky for me with women. many of you know my saga with my ex that i went through this year (which i won't repeat) and now i am finally ready to start dating again. i've been out with a few girls in the past several months but the last 2 really have me confused. the first girl i asked out when i was working. she was an intern and was at my job for only a couple of months. a week before she had to leave, i asked her out. she agreed but the way in which i asked her out and the way she answered was flirty. i was under the impression that it was understood that it was basically a date. so we go out and eventually grab a bite to eat. midway through eating, she matter-of-factly mentions her boyfriend, who is in the Naval Academy. i was like, "huh?!". i specifically asked her why she never told me about him and she said "it never came up". again, HUH?!! i mean, what did she think we were doing? i confirmed that she had a boyfriend with a coworker. i told my coworker about what happened and she even told that girl that she'd better mention her BF to me. well, that was that. so about a month ago, i meet this really cute girl out at this art gallery. i didn't get a chance to get her number then, but then last week i ran into her at Whole Foods. this time i made sure to get her phone number, which i did, so i called her last week. we talked on the phone a few times and met up last night. we met up at a bar, had drinks, and chit-chatted for a while. the conversations were good, we flirted a lot, we got to know a lot about each other, i found out she has a room mate (it gets better) and i didn't think twice about it at that point. so things start to get kind of nice. i ended up kissing her and we started to neck. we take a break, go outside for a minute and sat down. we started talking again so i flat out asked her, "do you have a boyfriend?". i had this sinking feeling that she did and she said "yes". so here i am in the same situation as before. so i asked if that's who she lives with, and she said "yes". i asked her why she didn't tell me and she said "it never came up". WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?! 2 girls in a row. what is going on in their heads? i don't think i was ambiguous in either situation to what my intentions were. i clearly liked them both and wanted to be more than friends. i am sure they sensed it but they both said the topic of their BFs never came up. why couldn't they tell me "yeah, i'd like to hang out with you but i want you to know i have a BF". if that was said upfront, no time would've been wasted for either of us. i'm done with women and dating for now. this sucks. i was really excited about the girl last night. i thought, "Finally, someone who's cool and pretty seems to like me!" i just don't get it.
  10. deejay74
    Hey messedup, the first love is usually one of the hardest ones to get over. i've been there and it seems like i am here once again. my ex was my 2nd love, perhaps my 1st TRUE love?? feeling like your ex doesn't care about you has got to be one of the worst feelings and i know exactly how you feel. my ex treats me the same way. sometimes i wonder if it is a defense mechanism for them, to "seem" like they don't care. i guess for some people, it's easier for them to just not deal with it than to actually deal. since i am not that way, it's hard for me to understand. i try to be understanding but there are some things i can't. try to be a bit easier on yourself and try to be more patient. I am trying myself. maybe we're trying too hard to get over our exes. listen, we have no choice but to keep trying to move on. i am sure this won't last forever, it can't! what else is left if we don't try to keep pushing ahead?
  11. deejay74
    hey messed up! remember me? we had very similar situations. i can totally relate with you. i have been trying to get over my ex for 8 months now, and our relationship only lasted 6!! i am not completely out of the woods either, in fact, over the weekend, i actually went deeper into the woods. check out what happened here: it's great that you have been trying different things to help yourself. be proud of that. i think when it comes to people like us, we tend to fall in love very deeply and thereforeeee makes it hard to go through a break up. i think for you, part of the difficulty in moving on is that your ex was your first love. you will love again and although 1 year has passed and you have had minimal progress, it still is progress. something that you may want to discuss with your therapist deals with abandonment issues. i only say this because i have them. i have been taking meds too and they've helped, but not completely. i, like you, think about my ex everyday and i sometimes wish that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" were real. But know that there's nothing wrong with you. i am going through it too.
  12. deejay74
    heck yeah my self esteem was suffering. i have worked very hard with my therapist to get me to a place where i don't think that all the time (about seeking external validation). btw, why is so poignant that i feel better now, i honestly do. i know i am stronger and i know what happened this weekend isn't going to set me back. it definitely brought up old feelings! seeing my ex and getting that kind of reaction/treatment really shot my self esteem down, but having K show interest in me and actually asking my ex for permission to take me home definitely helped! to answer your questions: yes i have been dumped before and it took me a long time to get over some of them. i've had pets die, grand parents pass away. yes, there are child hood issues that are working now, and i am continuing to work through these with my therapist. i have a while to go yet, but i am definitely better than i was 8 months ago. i honestly can't wait for the day when i could care less abot what she thinks of me. hopefully it's soon, i am definitely trying to figure out ways to accomplish this. it's going to take time though, and i need to work on being more patient with myself.
  13. deejay74
    haha!!! anyway, on a more serious note, i've been doing some thinking these past few hours. i think i still need to have some validation from my ex. what i mean, is that if my ex was nice to me and actually treated me like a friend, i would feel a little bit better about myself. in a way, i guess i feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why she's treating me the way she is. i think that's why it's so important for me to know why she isn't being nice to me when we see each other face to face. if i knew, and if the reason wasn't because of me, then i wouldn't feel so less-worthy (not unworthy) around her. if things were perfect in a perfect world, i would want my ex back as my girlfriend. but i know it isn't so i am not expecting this. the girl i know now, is so unlike the girl i went out with, at least with me - and this kind of sucks. i feel, that i am better than i was before i even went out with my ex but with the way she makes me feel and the way she's been treating me, i guess she'll never know. I'm also wondering if the couple of days of partying and drinking are making me feel more upset about the whole situation. i slept all day yesterday (sunday) otherwise i would've posted on here then. LOL!
  14. deejay74
  15. deejay74
    Hey thanks for everyone's responses. And thanks for your advice heloladies, but i have to agree with everyone else. in the course of the past 6 months, actually more like from january to march, i tried to make things cool between my ex and me but she consistently gives me the cold shoulder and acts like she doesn't give a sh*t. i honestly thought, that after this long (especially with NC for 6 months) that things would be at least cordial between us. all i am really asking from her is if we could just be cool when we see each other. i don't need to hang out with her or talk to her on a regular basis, but if we run into each other in public, there is absolutely no reason why there should be any tension or akwardness between us. SHE is the one who is making it this way, and not me, and for the life of me i cannot understand why. especially because i haven't done anything to her to make her feel this way and act this way towards me. i was literally the only person she was not talking to at the block party or at the bar afterwards. what makes this more confusing is the fact that she sent me a happy birthday text to me on my birthday (only 3 weeks ago), i didn't respond, but to me that kind of made me think that if we saw each other again, she would actually talk to me with more respect. i can distincly remember how she was so excited to see her ex (before me) when she saw him out last year with me and ran up to see him. she avoids me and acts like i did something horrible to her. i mean for christs sake, while i was talking to her at the block party the 2nd time, she actually said to me "ok, well i think i am going to go over there and mingle" but K came over and started talking to both of us which kind of saved me. i have a incredibly hard time accepting things i don't understand. if i knew why she was so adamant on treating me this way for no reason, i think i wouldn't be so distraught over it as it would help me understand where she's coming from. i am a very understanding and forgiving person, but her behaviour makes no sense to me. as far as k goes, well, we didn't "hook up" that night. i told her the next morning exactly what was going through my head, that i was really confused about the way my ex treated me and that seeing her brought back to the surface a lot of pain and hurt that i haven't felt in a long time. she was very understanding and i asked her if she was mad at me, she said no and just wanted to know if she'd see me again. at first, i was attracted to her but then my thoughts got in the way. i am actually glad nothing happened between us because i think i just want to be friends with her. she's really cool and understanding but the physical attraction i had left the next morning. anyway, if i run into the ex again, i am not going to approach her at all. i've been hurt and disappointed enough and i have to tell you i am very sad that it's still has to be this way. why with me? i don't know.
  16. deejay74
    hmm, i guess seeing her over the weekend brought back some feelings for her. i was doing well and heading to complete recovery and i feel that i have had a minor set back. but i know i'll be ok. i must not be over her completely and that makes me frustrated with myself. it's very hard for me not to wonder why i am getting this treatment from her. and yes, it does hurt my feelings and disappoint me to get this from her. it's very hard for me not to care about what she thinks or how she reacts because i still care about her. ugh.
  17. deejay74
    well originally i wasn't going to say anything but my friend who's party it was kept on telling me to be the bigger person and go up to her. i really didn't want to but i guess thinking about it i thought it would be a good gesture. but also don't forget, i haven't made any attempts to contact her for 6 months! i'm only hung up on her as friends. i know that things wouldn't work out if we got back together but i really want this coldness and akwardness that SHE'S creating to stop. we're both adults you know? i guess it's just really makes no sense to me why she's treating me this way when i've done nothing wrong.
  18. deejay74
    a mutual friend of the ex and mine threw a block party on saturday. our friend told me my ex was going to be there and he told her i was going to be there as well, they hung out the night before. well, this was the first time i've seen my ex in about 6 months. the last times we spoke, my ex was not really nice to me, she acted cold, indifferent, and didn't seem to care about me. well, seems like nothing's changed. i saw her there at the block party and i was very nervous to see her because i had no idea how she was going to react. so i approach her, smile and wave and said hi. she said hi back and once again, she acted the same way - cold, indifferent, and seemed not to care. so i walked away when there was a pause in the convo. it took me by surprise that she acted that way because she sent me a happy birthday text a few weeks ago on my b-day. anyway, after this i stayed away from her for a few hours, then i tried to speak to her again. this time, i said to her that a long time has passed, that things are cool, and that i am a lot better than i was before. she said "ok" and that was it. before i said this i told her it was good to see her and all she said was "yeah". i said to her that most of the time, people respond by sayind "it's good to see you too" and then she said, "i said yeah". so i told her all that meant is she agreed that it was good to see her. so again, after this i left her a lone and didn't try to speak to her. well, the party moved to a bar and a few of us went over there, including my ex, and 2 of her new friends L and K. well K was flirting with me and i knew she was interested in me and by this time, all of us were pretty tanked. well, the funny thing is is K actually went to my ex and asked her permission if she could "hook up with me" or something like that. I told K earlier in the night the situation between my ex and me. well K told me that when asked my ex she looked "shocked" and then said it was cool. not really sure about the "shocked" part and why she would've been. so near the end of the night, we were inside and my ex was going on and on about madonna concert and i said madonna was washed up, then my ex said "no she's not", then not looking at my ex at all i blurted out "was i talking to you?!" for some reason. then K and I left the bar together. So can someone help me understand why my ex is still so mean to me when I've tried to make things cool between us? i mean, is this a power or ego thing? i distinctly remember when we were together, she saw her ex before me and practically ran up to him to speak to him. He dumped her and she dumped me so i don't know if that has anything to do with it. She texted me happy birthday and so i felt perhaps now is the time when we could be friends. Well, now, i am kind of hurt that she's still being this way towards me when i've done absolutely nothing wrong. i don't get it. my only redemption is the fact that K was into me and actually asked my ex and my ex saw K and me leave together. hmm, oh well. sorry for the long post, but any insight would be appreciated, as always.
  19. deejay74
    thank you very much major! i appreciate it. no doubt, i think she was expecting me to respond. i sincerely hope it made her think as to why i didn't respond, but who knows? and yeah, it made me feel good that i am in a better place where i can make logical decisions, rather than ones based on emotions. i definitely feel a lot stronger mentally and emotionally. this may sound crazy, but i almost feel like i've regained some power over her. i guess whether or not this is true is moot but it does give me a confidence boost for sure!
  20. deejay74
    ahh, don't worry. i am not going to conact her to try and find out. my gut initially thought she was trying to lure me into contacting her, which i didn't fall for. at this point, i have been on the NC train for so long i have no intention of getting off. oh yeah, i thought about the timing of her text too. 10pm on my birthday, kind of half-a$$ed and almost a little too late. it's like "wow, gee thanks. ", ya know? "f" her!
  21. deejay74
    thanks for being proud of me, for once, i am actually proud of myself for NOT responding! you know, for some reason, i just want to know WHY she did it. was she feeling lonely? guilty? i mean, what reason in the world promted her to think of me on my birthday and send me a lousy text when she basically made me feel like she wanted nothing to do with me...EVER. make absolutely no sense.
  22. deejay74
  23. deejay74
    my birtday was on the 26th and i was in amsterdam not thinking about my ex at all, whom i have not seen or spoken to since march. so at 4am amsterdam time, 10pm eastern time, i get a very simple "happy birthday" text from my ex. it really took me off guard cuz this is the same girl who told me that all she cared about was herself, that she didn't really want to see or speak to me, and who ignored my apology emails to her. in no way am i thinking this her wanting me back but why in the world would she text me on my birthday after all that she's said to me? any ideas cuz i certainly have no clue. oh yeah, i didn't respond.
  24. deejay74
    yes, i deleted my ex of my friendster and myspace pages. i did it so that i can't see any updates she's made and so i won't be tempted to look at them. it has helped as i haven't looked in about 2.5 months. i also deleted and blocked her from my AIM list. glad i did that too. she can't see me when i am online and i can't see her. just as well. i think what you did was a good thing - for you.
  25. deejay74
    hahaha, thanks for the laugh RC! i know you've been following my story since day 1, so i appreciate this and thanks for your compliment too. i have to admit that i do get somewhat frustrated when people tell me to let her go, i have for the most part and have been trying to completely let her go, so it's not like i am not trying. it's that darn 1% the still holds on, and that 1% has a mighty tight grip! of course i remember how she treated me after the break up, i actually use that to keep me from breaking NC. i am proud that i haven't broken it since march. i feel i have the NC momentum going full speed and that combined with my fear of getting hurt again if i see or speak to her has definitely helped. but i guess most of us do get curious sometimes, ya know? jmann! good to hear from you. i am sorry to hear you're still going through your relapse but i am sure it will end soon. thanks for your continued support as well. like i said before, you sound a lot better and stronger. i guess you just have to let it pass, and it will. take it easy.
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