deejay74

no i know dako, i was just saying. so to answer your question, yes, i have been admiring other women and it seems like it's been A LOT lately. who knows when i'll be ready to date again. i am certainly not rushing into it.

onayrb and dako, you're both right. yes, i have been noticing other females for a while now but i don't think i am quite ready to get into another relationship ship right now. and i still compare them to my ex, although not as much. i know i am not completely over my ex, it's just that i am kind of "stuck". i can enjoy my life and live it without much agonizing over the break up, but i haven't progressed any in about 2 months. it's levelled off so that's why i thought i would just have to get used to this until someone else comes along. not sure why i am in this state. i have worked very hard on myself both psychologically and physically during this time, and i am enrolling back in school for this fall. so things for me are getting better with the exception of completely ridding my ex out of my head. i think part of the problem is forgetting that i miss being in a relationship and that since my ex was my last gf, it's making me think it's my ex i want. stupid brain playing tricks on me. well onayrb, i hope you don't have a relapse. i know too well how the urge to drink can be. be strong and i certainly hope i don't have anymore.

so i am in a weird place right now - i'm not really sad, angry or even really hurt that much by the break up anymore but i do think about the relationship and my ex everyday. as someone mentioned in another post, they said you never really get over the person, you just learn to live with out them. i think this is where i am with regards to "getting over" the relationship. it hasn't gotten any better or any worse, with the exception of a minor relapse not too long ago. but what i find is happening, is i am getting very curious about what my ex is up to now and how she is. i know she just returned from her month-and-a-half long trip to europe because i called her cell-phone (i know, i know - i was gonna hang up if she answered). i just wanted to see if she was back and i knew she was cuz her message has changed. i am pretty proud of myself that i haven't checked her myspace or friendster profile in months but i hope i can be strong enough not to check them or to call her again. i think i may post here if i feel the urge as this forum has done so much for my healing process. i'm going to amsterdam on friday and will be there for a week, which means i will be celebrating my birthday while i am there. in a way, i hope my ex sends me an email or calls but i highly doubt she will. and if she does, it would be a nice gesture but in no way will i think she wants me back. which reminds me, i recently had a dream where i got back together with my ex. It felt weird and awkward and i ended up breaking up with her. i would've never thought i would have a dream like that. the last dream i had about us getting back together was shortly after the break up and of course in my dream we stayed together and i felt so happy. i also keep having dreams of running into her on the street and either i snub her or she snubs me. weird. anyway, i tend to ramble so thanks for reading. no real point to my post but i am always open to comments.

not at all. it's perfectly fine. in fact, i suggest you don't say or do anything for her on her birthday. this may be irrelevant, but she doesn't deserve it. has she contacted you at all recently? is she your "friend"? if not, then don't bother. i wished my ex a happy b-day over AIM back in february, which was not even 2 months after she dumped me and i kind of regret it even though it was so long ago. i should've just let that day come and go but at that point, i was still a mess. my birthday is next week (26th) and i am not expecting a thing from my ex. do i hope she sends me an email or something like that? no i am not hoping, but it would be nice.

dear deejay, stop being so hard on yourself! you're doing just fine. look how far you've come and how much you've grown. i know you were hurt and still are to some extent, but you will pull out of this eventually. you really were in love with this girl and she smashed your heart into pieces, so of course you won't forget about it so easily. and don't be scared to try new things on your own. i am your best friend, i will always be here no matter who comes and goes. remember that. you can rely on me. even if no one else loves you, you have to remember that i do. sincerely, deejay

hey messedup! i remember your story as our break ups happened at similar times i think, and both our relationships were rather short. but if it helps you any, i am still healing as well and i have now crossed the point where my ex and i have been split up longer than we were together. some people have said these shorter relationships are harder to get over sometimes because they ended before things got really good (or bad), so we're left thinking about what could have been. i keep doing all the same things you have been as well, but one thing that i am doing that i am not sure you have been doing is seeing a therapist (like the previous post mentioned). i think you could really benefit from talking to a professional. perhaps there are some underlying issues you need to work out that really have nothing to do with the relationship. it can't hurt to talk to one. also, it seems kind of crazy that there are several of us on this board who've been broken up about the same amount of time who are going through the same emotional rollercoaster. it must be the change of seasons or something. anyway messedup, try not to be so hard on yourself. i know it can be hard not to sometimes, but give yourself a break. and seriously consider talking to a professional.

jmann! what's up? it has been a while, i thought about you today and wondered how you were. funny, you've must've picked up on my vibes or something. anyway, if she contacted me would i be filled with hope? honestly, i don't think so. i may be analyzing every word but unless she actually said "i miss you and i think i made a mistake and would like to try again" i don't think i would be expecting her to get back together with me. it's easy for me to say this now, so who know's if i did speak to her. funny thing is, i actually thought about a "what if" scenario if i ran into her. i think i would try to avoid her! and if she came up to me and started to chat, i would try very hard not to seem interested in her and i would give it all my might to NOT ask her about her trip and so forth, mainly because one of the last things she said to me was she only cared about herself. so why would i show concern to someone who doesn't care about anyone else but themselves? i am sorry to hear about your "relapse" jmann, but from the sounds of it, you seem to have a good grip on your situation. it sounds like you got knocked back to day thirty-something and not day 1! i guess we're all in this together!

thanks so much for your responses! i really appreciate it. it's a relief to know what i am feeling and STILL going through is normal. it can feel isolating at times especially when none of my friends or family are going through it. i guess it surprises me when these dips happen, i honestly thought it wouldn't happen anymore. especially since i have been apart from my ex longer than we had been together, and because it's been almost 4 months since last contact. and it's such a conflicting feeling when part of me still wants to be with her and the other parts are scared, mad, and afraid of getting hurt again. yes rocker, i do have more ups than downs but i am quite surprised at the level of sadness that has creeped up on me. searching - i have done all of what you suggested except the chocolate and vitamins. i have to admit that lately my drinking as increased somewhat, but i think it's because i have been down and thinking about my ex a lot lately. that's probably contributed to my dip though. dako - thanks for your continued support as always. permasmile and salwatergirl - thanks for your replies and support too. it just hurts that my ex hasn't made any attempt to contact me and i thought by now she would've at least sent an email to see how i've been. i guess she really doesn't care but it would be nice to know she thinks of me with fondness.

hi once again my fellow enotaloners. some of you may know that i have been posting here since january. my ex dumped me on december 30th. i am calling out to you all again because i feel i need some encouraging words/advice/whatever. i have tried to offer my advice to some of you and i hope it helped. i know i owe a lot to many of you on here who've helped me. anyway, i am not going to rehash my whole ordeal as it's been a long one. i can say overall i feel much better. i have been taking care of myself and working very hard on my "issues" that i have had. i feel a difference and some of my coworkers and friends notice a difference as well. here's the deal: i must be going through another low point in my healing, i seem to have levelled off at about 90 - 95% and havent' progressed any further in a couple of months. i haven't seen or spoken to my ex since mid march and it's coming up on 7 months since the break up. i do think about her everyday but it doesn't effect me like it used to, but lately i have been really missing her. the ironic thing is, if i run into her, i would most likely avoid her because i am afraid of getting hurt of finding out information that might hurt me. so as you can see, i am not quite over her yet. what i don't really understand is, there is still a part of me that wants to get back together with her and the other part of me is beginning to hate her for the hurt that i have been through. she's not made 1 single attempt to get in touch with me and that speaks volumes as far as i am concerned. she should be coming back any day now from her month's long stay in europe and i can tell my anxiety of running into her has increased somewhat. i was doing fine while she was away, but now the thoughts and feelings about her are coming back. our relationship was an intense 6 months, but here it is, 7 months later and i am still posting here looking for advice and some encouragement. *sigh* i really feel like a loser at this point even though i am a different person than i was pre-breakup. i feel really lonely right now. i guess it's the summer and i see all these couples and beautiful women all over the place. my birthday is coming up at the end of the month and even though i will be in amsterdam, i know i will be wondering if my ex will send me a happy birthday wish - probably not though. i just want to know when she'll be out of my system so that i don't think about her everyday. i feel like a broken record because i have been asking this since the break up. i don't even feel like getting involved with anyone else because i don't feel i am ready and i honestly don't want to deal with the things that come along with a relationship, yet i want the attention and intimacy of someone who wants to be with me. does that make sense? anyway, sorry for the rant and thanks for listening.

right on, but my worry is calling back too soon and looking too desperate, or waiting too long and having her lose interest. what is a good time fram to call since i called her already on monday? thanks!

i hope this is in the right section, apologies if it's not. so i have been posting in the "breaking up" section for the past 6 months cuz i had been going through a devastating break up. well now i am better and ready to date. i met this girl this past saturday and we really hit it off. it seemed like she was attracted to me. we were at a house party and she was with a male friend (don't know if it's her bf but he seemed like he was gay) and i was with my friend. often, when the 4 of us were together and talking, she would constantly smile at me when the other 2 were talking. we ended up alone together a few times and the conversations were never dull. needless to say, she asked me for my email address because she said she wanted to email me some places to go in amsterdam when i am there next month. she used to live there and so she knows a lot of cool places to check out. i ended up asking for her phone number, which she gave me. so i waited until monday to call. she didn't pick up but i left a message with my phone number. she hasn't called back yet and i realize it's only been 2 days since the call. i feel if i called again today, i would seem too eager, yet if i wait a while and she still doesn't get in touch with me, then it would seem that i am not interested. again, she seemed into me when we were talking. i don't have her email address either. should i try calling her again? if so, when would be appropriate so i don't look to "pushy"? thanks so much!

hey bstrong, although your relationship was a lot longer than mine, what i've read in your posts sounded a lot like me. if you're interested, you can read some of my old posts on here. i was a mess for quite a while and i couldn't stop dwelling. the dwelling was eating me up inside even though i had done just about everything the people on this board suggested i do. i know you were considering meds and it sounded like you're very reluctant to take them, i was too but i decided that i had tried long enough on my own, along with therapy, and i wasn't getting better. so i decided to try them out. i have to be honest here, it has helped quite a bit. i don't dwell on my ex and our relationship nearly as much and i don't dwell on other things either. i am still in therapy but i am going twice a week. what also helped me was talking to my friends and family. luckily, my friends and family had been very supportive. the time it takes for the meds to kick in can take about a month, but i am glad i decided to take them. i've also read a few books on how to get over a break up, or loss, and those have helped too. i also thought that i would never get out of the hole i was in, but i am almost out of it. i would say that my feet are still in the hole, figuratively of course. but i am mostly out of it. so maybe this will help you feel a little bit better. but most importantly, do what you can to distract your mind. one thing that may help is to have your mind where your body is. that means, being in the present, the NOW. if you are truly there, you will not be thinking about the past, or the future. think about how dogs are, they are always in the moment. you will get better, i promise you. keep pushing no matter how hard is seems. you will have ups and downs, but they will eventually go away. hang in there.

thank you serenity! what keeps me from looking at her profile is the thought of seeing something on there that will upset me. i have been moving forward for so long that i don't want any chance to set me back, so perhaps you can use that to stop yourself when you get the urge, but from the sound of it, you seem to be handling it pretty well. and thanks for your last statement, i appreciate it. keep up your good work too!

don't worry if you don't get angry. if you read my last post, you would've seen that i try to get mad but it only lasts a little while. i think you and i both are still idolizing our exes.

actually there are "abandonment" support groups out there. i came accross a great book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It really helped me out and there is a website about the book which has a "group" section in which you may be able to find support groups to help you with your break up. go here and check it out: link removed also, check out the book as well. it may help you. hang in there, you'll be fine eventually. i thought i would never heal but i have and for me, nothing but time and seeing a therapist helped. along with reading the book i mentioned. take care of yourself!

haha, thanks for remembering me friscodj. i haven't seen you on these boards for a while either. yeah, i am much better but you're right. i am still somewhat wrapped up in her and that's what's bothering me at this point. i mean, after tomorrow we will have been apart longer than we were together. i know i am not ready to see her but the desire is still there. i just don't know at what point i won't care or if i will even reach that point. maybe a year or if i am lucky, sooner than that. i think, though, if i do see her, or if she contacts me, i will be strong enough to either ignore her altogether or i will be able to handle myself. thanks for your reply friscodj, good to see you back on here giving your great advice!

hi, i am just posting here to get some things off my chest. i've had a lot on my mind this week because it's an important time for me, which i will explain below. right. so tomorrow will be exactly 6 months to the day that i got dumped and let me tell you, what a half-year it's been! even though this is not the first time i've been through a break up, it's definitely been one of the most difficult in the way of recovery. i've posted here a lot, and for those of you who want to know what happened to me, please read my previous posts. i used to go under the name "iwantherback" but changed it. all the posts are linked to my current name. so, thanks again to all who've helped me. i do appreciate it. anyway, i've learned so much about myself and what it takes to be in a healthy relationship, including what not to do next time. i am still working on myself and i've uncovered a lot of "issues" that i've had since childhood, some of them reared their ugly head when i got dumped. although i feel much better and stronger mentally (and even physically as i have been going to the gym), i am still sad and disappointed that i am no longer with my ex. i miss her too. after tomorrow, we will have been apart longer than we were together, and that's the important part i was referring to in the beginning of this post. part of me wishes my ex can see the "new" me. even my coworkers have noticed a positive improvement in my attitude and even i can feel it. i am definitely not the same person i was while we were together - i am much better! as i said, i am still healing. i feel have been healed about 95% but i am STILL not quite over my ex. i am not really beating myself up so much about it anymore, but i am honestly surprised i still think about her everyday. and this week i have been thinking about her even more. luckily, i am strong enough to not let it bother me so much, but there is lingering pain and sadness. i don't have any real desire to get involved with anyone and the medication that i have been on virtually killed my libido, which is good in a way. but what i also do is to replay our relationship and i still take most of the blame for the demise. i have tried so hard to get angry at my ex but it never lasts. the only thing i can get angry about is how i was treated by her post-break up, but then i rationalize it and convince myself she was acting like that because i was acting like a immature, love-sick puppy dog. i haven't seen or spoken to her since march, but i know she's wrapping up here internship in london tomorrow and will be coming home soon. this almost scares me as now i may run into her at some point. it still bothers me when i think that she may be seeing someone else, or that she's been sleeping with someone, or something similar to both of those scenarios. that being said, i know i am not ready to see her or be her friend, but ironically i do want to see her. i am proud of myself that i haven't even looked at her myspace profile in about 2 months. the only time i broke NC was about a month and a half ago when i sent out a mass email to all my friends to download a new dj mix i posted on my homepage. i don't know if she downloaded it or not, but i hope she did. i just can't believe it's almost july and i had been pretty miserable this whole year and my ex has been going on about her life and probably had the time of her life in london. if we were still together, i'd be there with her and we would be seeing barcelona next week. oh well, at least i am going to amsterdam at the end of july for a week and i will be turning 32 whilst there. sorry for this long post. any advice, criticism, encouragement, whatever is appreciated. hope everyone is taking care of themselves!

sorry to sound harsh, but unless she's holding a gun to your head you can stop contact. you say you "cannot" do it because you don't want to. you said she doesn't want you back and then you say you wish you could get her back 100% almost all in the same breath. either she wants you or doesn't. if she doesn't want you back 100% AND she's sleeping with another guy, then i don't really know what else to tell you that she doesn't want you. ok, so what she's saying nice things to you, big deal. in your case, her actions are speaking volumes over what she's saying (or not saying). listen, i know how you are, i am a lot like you. but i learned a lot from my recent break up and 2 really important things i have learned is: actions speak louder than words (from your ex), and don't forget about taking care of yourself. i am looking out for you and i feel bad for what you're going through. again, i apologize for the harsh words but this is how i see it. hang in there and good luck.

i hear you on the meds. i was totally against it for the longest time until i felt i couldn't get any better on my own. i have been battling depression on and off my whole life (along with other issues) so i came to the conclusion that i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which can only be remedied by meds. dude, you don't have to tell me about smoking pot! lol!! i was also involved with the rave scene in DC for about 10 years, so you can imagine the illegal substances i've ingested over those years!! and i can understand how you feel about your ex and her new man. it's good that the rose colored glasses are off, now you can see her in her true light. but at the end of the day, what she chooses to do with her life shouldn't affect you. believe me, i know how much easier it is to say that than to let it hurt you, but it's true. i'm not so sure what i can say that will help you with this other than you have a lot of support on here and from me. time may be the only thing that will make things better for you. it doesn't sound arrogant about what you said about yourself. i feel the same way about me. my ex gave up after the "honeymoon" period wore off and when things got rough for her she dumped me. i really would like to believe my ex will regret her decision some time later and perhaps your ex will too. and who knows, this relationship your ex currently has will probably not last long.

what type of therapist are you seeing? i have seen about 3 before the one i am seeing now. all of them were "regular" therapists and the one i am seeing now is a Gestalt therapist. she has been the best so far and she's told me things that no other therapist has. she's also had me do some "exercises" that no one else has suggested either. i really am pleased with her so see if you can perhaps find a gestalt therapist near you. also, i have been taking Paxil for about 3 months now, and originally i was completely against taking meds but i can notice a difference since then. so the meds combined with gestalt therapy has helped me a lot. i did have abandonment issues along with seeking approval from others, especially my ex. i've learned that i put my self-worth into my ex so of course when i got dumped, i felt worthless. i have battled low self esteem my whole life but it has gotten a little bit better with therapy. i know it's going to take a while to completely get over all my issues from childhood so i am trying to be patient. the only good thing that has come out of this break up, for me, is i am now a different person than i was when i was dating my ex. i can feel it and it does make me feel better about myself and my situation overall. but i sometimes get sad that my ex can't see the positive changes i've made and/or i wish that i was at this point when i was dating my ex b/c i feel that she wouldn't have dumped me had i been where i am at now. so please use this time to better yourself - for you. it will help your self-esteem and it will make you feel better. one more thing, it may be that you will always have feelings for your ex, and that's ok. but don't let it consume you. i still have feelings for my ex but they're not as strong as before. i think i have just come to realize, and accept, that this is the best it's going to be - for now. you can PM me anytime if you need to. oh, one more thing - you see a therapist every 2 weeks? i am not sure if that's enough. i see mine twice a week! i don't know if you're in america or not, but check with your insurance company. i am fortunate enough to have a plan where i can see a therapist an unlimited amount of times during the year.

hey lonelydays, i am a lot like you. i am an emotional type of guy and also a 1 woman type of guy. when i fall in love, i REALLY fall in love. i'll tell you something - it's been almost 6 months since my break up and the relationship only lasted 6 months. i did everything people on here suggested to help me move on, but nothing worked except time and seeing a therapist. by seeing a therapist, i have discovered a lot of things about myself that prevented me from moving on completely. things that happened in my childhood that i carried into adulthood. i have no idea how your childhood was but perhaps it's worth exploring. now i am feeling pretty good about things. i am not completely over my ex but i would say about 90 - 95% over her. i really believe that those who have the hardest time getting over someone has nothing to do with their ex. at least if it's been a very long time since the break up. i believe that those of us who can't seem to let go have some deep rooted issues that need to be addressed, such as abandonment issues and constantly seeking approval from others. again, i am not saying that you do this, but it may be worth to explore your reasons why you are having a hard time moving on. good luck and i hope this helps.

alright, i'll try. yes, i did send you my new mix a while ago. check your email.

yeah searching, you've read me like a book. i do drink a lot but i never really associated that with the way i have been feeling. so what if i switch to drinking the clear stuff? i do have fear rejection and i do have abandonment issues that stemmed from my childhood. but no, i am actually the youngest. but thanks for the that site, i've checked it out before but i will again.

hey thanks Orlander and Serendipity! wow, this post is old. this was way back in february, not even 2 months after the break up. it's interesting to read this now and to see the progress i've made. yeah, i still have feelings for my ex but not as much as i did when i wrote that post.

wow, after 5 long, gruelling months of trying to get myself back after i got dumped the day before new year's eve, i am still posting here. i know i have come a long way but i am not out of the woods yet. today, i feel a need to vent because i cannot talk to my friends or family about this anymore, they're fed up with hearing about it and i can understand why they would. and to think my relationship only lasted 6 months. i know everyone heals at their own pace, but i have to be honest, i know there are issues that i am dealing with that "normal" (ie; mentally healthy people) wouldn't be dealing with this long after the break up - and i have been dealing with these issues with my therapist. i guess i wanted to post here because yesterday i did something minor that almost set me back. my ex is now in london for her month's long internship and i knew that her cell phone doesn't work in the UK so i called it to see if she changed her message. she did. it wasn't what she said in her message but the way she sounded. she sounded incredibly happy - happier than i have ever heard her sound before. she did leave a number where she could be reached but i didn't call it. i guess it hurt me in a way to hear her so happy without me - it also hurt because we had planned for me to come stay with her during her last week in london and i can't go. don't get me wrong, it's not like i would like for her to be miserable, but seeing as i have been incredibly hurt by this girl and the past 5 months have been the worst in recent memory, it kind of struck a nerve to hear her so happy. luckily i am stronger now and today i have been able to not let it get me down. but again, i am still thinking about her everyday and i am still affected by certain things that either remind me of her or when i do something kind of stupid like calling her cell phone to see if she changed her voicemail. last summer was one of the best i've had in years, mainly because that's when i met my ex and when we began to date. it's now june of 06 and this year has been one of the worst i can remember. the only good thing out of all the pain and suffering i've been going through is that i know this experience has changed me. i can tell it has - but it's all for the better. i just really wish i still didn't think about her. i have never been able to stay angry at her and i wish i could hold onto that feeling because it would help me to completely get over her. it's unfortunate that i had to lose someone that i was madly in love with for this to happen and i think it's unfortunate for her that i am better now than i was when we were dating, but i guess she may never know. thanks again for listening everyone - i do appreciate it.