deejay74

thanks for your post. it feels like i just got dumped all over again. the pain is hitting me in waves right now and i am thinking about valentine's day and her birthday coming up. it's very easy for others to say "who care's if she's sleeping with that other guy" but i care because in some way, i wish it could be me and i wish things were the way they were when it was good. trust me when i am saying i am doing, and have done, the best i can to let go and move on.

i've just deleted her from my myspace and friendster lists, it was difficult but i feel i have to do this. i also just deleted all the emails i've sent to her through my webmail account. i am going to go home tonight and delete all the emails i've ever sent or received from her. it's very difficult to do because i've separated them all and went through them like a timeline of our relationship. it made me really sad to read them. i am also going to remove all the photos of her from my iphoto library but i won't delete them - i have an external drive in which i will store them. i've blocked her from my AIM many times but then i unblock her. i am going to try to keep her off for good. it's making me sad just thinking about it. and i feel like such a wimp right now with the way i feel and with what i put myself through. i can't thank everyone enough on here who's been supportive to me and especially those who's advice i went against. this site has been so helpful. i hope that this is the last thread i will start with regards to going against all advice.

ok, i am not going to send it. you guys are right, as usual. i don't even know if i want her as my friend anymore. i don't have friends that lie to me, that hurt me, or don't care about me. even though i know this, it's so hard to erase the happy memories that i had of her and she didn't treat me this way when we were together. i guess this is one of the hardest parts. if it were me who broke up with my ex, and even if i was with someone afterwards, i wouldn't treat her with the same disrespect i got from my ex. if she told me she was hurting, i would be sincere with her and show that i was concerned but at the same time not giving any hints of reconciliation. i know my ex isn't me but why can't people show a little compassion in times like this. especially when she said she did care?

i am sorry to be posting on here again. today is one of the worst days since the break up and i am not doing well. posting here is the only thing i can think of to help me. i cannot get my suspicion of her and that guy out of my head. it is really driving me crazy. i don't know what to do to stop my thoughts. i am at work and i am trying to get my mind off things but it's no use. i feel i have all the signs short of catching them in the act. i am a great deal of pain right now and can't seem to escape it. what did i do to deserve such treatment from her? please forgive me everyone, i am drowning right now.

i know some of you think i am creating something out of nothing with regards to that guy ben whom i suspect she left me for and who she is with. i have many clues to tell me that i am right and i have been in the same predicament before where a girl was with someone else right after we split up but denied it up and down until i basically caught them together. at this point, i dont care anymore. i am really hurt but i obviously can't be friends with her and she's not coming back. i mean what do i have to lose at this point? again, here are all the clues: "when she started to become distant from me is the same time she started working for this guy. she answered an ad in craigslist about someone who needed some help organizing his home office. she started working there more frequently and then i had to confront her about it. at the same time, school got hectic for her as well. of course she denied it and got upset with me and said i was pushing her away by thinking she was messing around with him behind my back. she then breaks up with me 2 days before new years. fast forward to tonight. he is there at the art exhibit. i asked her if this was the "ben" she had been working for. she said yes, and said she was supposed to work for him tonight. i mean, how long does it take to organize a home office?? she also didn't expect me to show up because when she first invited me i told her i wasn't going to go. i changed my mind and called her and left a couple of messages. when i got there, she seemed surprised to see me and she was acting all weird and awkward and i think that's why she was treating me the way she did. even in our conversation on the phone, she said she's not with anyone but that's all semantics if you ask me." i know it probably won't solve anything but i can't seem to get this out of my head.

that may be true but prior to me asking those questions she wasn't asking anything about me at all. i guess that made me get upset and so i started prodding her. everyone says to work on me, and i have been trying really hard. it's difficult for me to do when i never really put myself first before. what hurts the most is i haven't loved someone like i loved her before in my life. i wanted us to have long term plans and only after 6 months, she ended it abruptly. thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot to me.

why did i have to go last night? i just wanted to see her once again and to be physically close to her. i am so mad at myself right now, i was moving forward and now i completely undid all the hard work i've been putting into myself. i am so sad and in so much pain right now. i am at work and i can't even concentrate. i called my therapist this morning and i think i am going to go on meds cuz i can't seem to shake this on my own strength. i am sorry everyone, i know you all must think i am some pathetic loser who can't control himself. that's how i feel right now. i am so shocked at how my ex treated me. i thought she cared enough to treat me like someone she has concerns for. i just can't believe what we had is gone and now i've ruined everything. i am trying so hard to keep from crying at work and i feel like i've isolated myself and i feel so alone. i just want this pain to go away and i want to forget my ex. this just makes no sense, i did nothing wrong to her and i did nothing to her to make her treat me this way. [EDIT] why do i still love her and care for her? she obviously doesn't feel that way about me. i just want to stop loving her and to stop thinking about her. i am so afraid that i won't find anyone like her again and the moments we've shared. i want to make it stop right now [/EDIT]

i called her last night because she said for me to when i left her last night. i apologized for the way i acted and the way i made her feel and luckily she accepted my apology. to be honest, when i called her i felt like i had nothing to lose so basically i told her to just put herself in my shoes for a moment and for her to try to see where i was coming from. i said it doesn't justify my actions, but i wanted her to understand why i felt the way i did with regards to that guy ben. she said again that she isn't with anyone, so i left it at that. i told her that i have had a hard time since she broke up with me and i have been working hard to heal but it's been difficult. i told her that at this point, i don't care if she thinks i am pathetic or weak so i said that i miss her very much and i miss us and the time we spent together. i told her that i hope that she doesn't look back on our relationship with any regrets and i hope it meant something to her. she said it did and she doesn't live her life with regrets. i said that she seemed like a different person and that ever since the break up, she's been really cold to me and self absorbed and i didn't understand why, she said that's just the way she's been lately. i told her that after last night, i realized that i can't be her friend and that i am not ready yet. obviously, she agreed. i said it's really hard to admit that and i wish it didn't have to be this way. finally i told her that i wanted to know if she missed me not because i want to see if she wants me back, but to help me deal with this. she said she wasn't going to answer that question and i asked why. she said because if she said yes, i will be hurt and if she said no, i will be hurt. i told her i've been hurt enough as it is so it really doesn't matter. i really don't know why she couldn't answer that question so i asked once again and she said, then no, i don't miss you. there i have it.

i have been trying to move on, i was getting there for the most part until last night and the night before when i ran into her. at this point, i don't know if i even want her back, she's a completely different person and changed in less than 2 months. i have been trying really hard to heal myself the past month and a half since she broke up with me and i am not healed yet. i don't think i can date right now because my head's not in it. but i have been going out a lot with my friends, i've been trying to do everything i can think of to help myself but most of the time it hasn't worked. i have made a little bit of progress but as i said, this has set me back almost to square one. i had no idea last night would turn out the way it did. i know she doesn't owe me anything i don't owe her anything, all i am saying is she didn't even treat me like a friend last night. she seemed like she couldn't give a * * * * about me or how i've been. our break up wasn't bad and i never treated her badly during our relationship so that's why i can't understand why she treated me the way she did. even if i wanted her back, i think i blew all chances after last night anyway and to be honest, i don't think she wants me back either.

i do. here's why - when she started to become distant from me is the same time she started working for this guy. she answered an ad in craigslist about someone who needed some help organizing his home office. she started working there more frequently and then i had to confront her about it. at the same time, school got hectic for her as well. of course she denied it and got upset with me and said i was pushing her away by thinking she was messing around with him behind my back. she then breaks up with me 2 days before new years. fast forward to tonight. he is there at the art exhibit. i asked her if this was the "ben" she had been working for. she said yes, and said she was supposed to work for him tonight. i mean, how long does it take to organize a home office?? i am not that stupid. why does it matter to me, because she can't tell me the truth. i cannot prove that she is with him but look at all the clues. i think this is why she was acting kind of weird when i showed up and i also think this is why she was able to move on so quickly.

i was moving on, i didn't see her tonight because i thought she would get back together with me. it was a test for me to see if i could be friends with her but she didn't even treat me like a friend.

i am so upset right now and i am so hurt. i just can't understand how someone can be so selfish. i don't understand how she was so mean to me tonite after inviting me to the event. i also can't believe how she acted like she didn't even care what was going on in my life. she was so self absorbed, i have never seen this side of her. how can she treat me this way when the day before she broke up with me she said she loved me and missed me? (i had just returned from my trip home that day). i just don't understand. and again, when we were going out she sometimes couldn't come out with me because she was so busy and now that winter break is over and she's back in school, she's been going out all the time.

why oh why can't i listen to the advice i've been given? why can't i listen to my own gut instincts?? i am almost embarrassed to post what i did tonight, i think i ruined EVERYTHING!! please bear with me as i have had a few drinks tonight and i think this post is going to be long. so i called my ex and i went against all advice. she answered and invited me to an art exhibit in which she is in a photograph. before i went, i already had some drinks. when i got there, she was with 3 other people: the handbag designer she works for, this guy ben (whom i suspected she was cheating on me with), and another female. i saw her and we gave eachother a kiss on the cheek and so she showed me which picture she was in. i looked around at all the other pictures then went back to her and the group of friends she was with. i started to talk to her and i asked her how she was doing, etc, etc and she told me. apparently she has been going out a lot, something she never did with me when she we were together and she was in school. she never asked me how i was doing and didn't seem to care at all. so we go over to the open bar and we both get some wine. so i am talking to her one-on-one, away from her friends. i again start asking her about what she's been up to. so i got fed up cuz she wasn't even asking me how i was doing. i actually said "so i guess you don't care how i have been doing since you haven't asked me anything". so she asked me 2 simple questions, of which she already knew the answers to. i told her it didn't seemed like she cared about my life or what i have been up to. so she said "all i care about is myself". i don't quite remember what else was said but then i pressed her again about whether or not she was seeing anyone and she said, "i am not going to answer that because you said you didn't want to know'". my reply was "well that answer right there tells me you are". and she said, "i am not seeing anyone". my reply was "well, i would appreciate some honesty if you are, i've been hurt enough and i've been through this before. are you sure that guy isn't here" (meaning that guy ben). then she said "you're doing the same thing you've been doing since before i broke up with you and now i am feeling awkward, i think you should leave". i apologized and said that i have just been very hurt since the break up. she moved over to her friends and then i tapped her on the shoulder and asked if i could have a word with her. she almost shouted "no, just call me later" - i asked if she would answer the phone and she said "most likely". so i went to the elevator and when i looked back, i saw her friend consoling her. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO HER? i was doing the best i could while we were going out and now she's treating me like * * * *. she's going out all the time, of which we never did cuz she "never had any time" while she was going to school but now she is back in school and doing all the things that she couldn't do. i just don't understand what i did. it's was almost as if she was rubbing the fact that she doesn't care about anyone but herself in my face. i can't believe she actually told me to leave! i still think she was sleeping with that guy ben who was there. anyway, i am soooo embarrassed. i am so sorry that i didn't take the advice of what everyone told me on here. please use me as an example. i am not more hurt than before because her behavior tonite i have never seen. why invite me out just to treat me like * * * *??? i am sorry everyone.

thanks njron and bkjsun. it does feel like i have taken steps back, though. i wish i didn't want it to be her whenever i get an email, phone call, or text message. i am starting to feel wishy-washy in a way, especially on here. i know sometimes when i post it seems like i am doing well, and others (like now) it seems like i am not. i apologize for appearing that way but i get so confused sometimes. thanks for everyone's response.

it's been 6 weeks to the day since i got dumped. we went out for 6 months. i'm doing better than i was right after the break up and even a couple of weeks ago. but i am having set backs such as running into my ex the other night. it has taken me a few steps back but i keep trying to move forward. i did NC for the first 3 weeks, then i saw her and talked to over the phone, went NC again til i ran into her the other night.

let me try this... 1. she was a know it all. she often challenged my answers when she asked me for help with her computer when i am a certified apple technician. 2. she never had any money. i often had to pay for dinner and things but, she did pay me for her half...eventually 3. she never had any time when school started. during our relationship, we often spent time at each other's homes and only went out to dinner occasionally. we never even went out dancing or even saw a movie together. 4. she had slept with a lot of men before me which always bothered me for some reason 5. she has a dog and loved that dog more than me and her life revolved around it 6. she's selfish

sorry to be posting here again, i guess i am regressing a bit... after seeing my ex the other night, i haven't been able to stop thinking about her and especially how much i miss her. i keep wanting to get in touch with her via email, but i know i shouldn't and i think everyone on here would agree. getting in touch with her through email is would be a lot easier to do than to call or talk to her face to face though, and i do want to stay in touch. why does it have to be this way? why did i feel awkward when i saw her? i love her and i did my best in the relationship and i once felt so comfortable around her and now it's different. makes me sad. if i was secure with myself, would it matter so much what she's doing, who's she may be seeing, wondering if she's thinking about me? i don't know. all i know is i really don't want her out of my life but right now i can't even have her in it as a friend. once again, i have taken a few steps back in my progress...

ok, so you got me inspired - i hope i am not hijacking your thread, but i live in NYC... anyone on here live in the area that wants to get together? send me a PM!

scout is right, i have been going through the same thing you are. it does get slightly better but it is in very small incriments. some days you'll feel better than others, it's part of the territory. trust me, i had a hard time accepting this and accepting the break up. are there friends you can hang out with or is there something you can do to get your mind off of her? can you go out of your house and do an activity? call your family? anything? maybe if you had a friend by your side to take the phone out of your hand when you start to dial. think of ANYTHING! i know you can do it. if you can get through today w/o calling her, be proud of yourself that you made it through the nite w/o calling. you will feel better afterwards.

wow! very glad to see you've been making progress. i'm proud of you! keep it up!! i'm almost there myself...

i almost wish i didn't see her last night. i couldn't sleep at all b/c i was thinking about the interaction we had over and over again and seeing her made me miss her all over again. ugh, now i am upset - it feels like another set back.

thanks bkjsun. i hope you're right with regards to our ex's not analyzing us. but it is hard to imagine her as just a regular friend when we've been intimate and close with each other. to be honest, i am trying to build my self confidence back up since the break up and i don't think i had that much today when i saw her b/c it brought back the pain of being hurt.

at first yes, now i am not so sure. i mean, just look at what my sig is! LOL! yes, i do care about her perception of me because i still care about her a great deal. i value her opinions, especially ones about me. not that i base my life around her opinions. but i think it's all about perception in these instances. i think if she detects that i am still affected by the break which happened a month and a week ago, it may seem like i am weak and that i haven't been getting on with my life. don't you think it's better to appear happy and strong, even if you don't care about your ex's opinion of you? i think it's always good to appear that way in any situation. having self-confidence is a good thing, i just don't know if i displayed any in my situation here.

hey i have been. the last time we spoke was exactly 2 weeks ago today. during that conversation, she said she didn't want any awkwardness in her life when we were on the topic of us being friends so this whole interaction i had with her seemed really awkward to me, which is the last thing i want. this experience has made me realize that i can't be friends with her right now. but again, i have been instituting NC. she sent me a text message over the weekend telling me this one specialty sneaker store by her house had these shoes i was looking for and i didn't even reply. i am giving her exactly what she wants and i have improved since the break up. me seeing her today brought to the surface some feelings i hadn't felt since the time of the break up, though. anyway, thanks for your response.