deejay74

dude, it's like i am reading my own words when i read your posts!! almost identical break up situations! but let me tell you, age has NOTHING to do with it. my ex is 26, well she'll be 27 tomorrow, and she is acting the same way! my ex was seemingly in love with me too and yes, she started distancing herself from me 3 weeks before she broke up with me. at first, she was nice to me (right after the break up and 3 days after) but since then, she's turned into a cold hearted * * * * *. i just don't understand that at all. makes no sense and it drives me crazy too to know that she doesn't give a * * * * about me. or at least that's how she is making it seem. i have no idea if she really cares at all. the 2nd to last time i spoke to her she said she cared about me but the last time she said all she cares about is herself. how can you say that when 2 weeks prior you said you cared. i had not contacted her at all between those 2 weeks so what happened? ya know? my feeling is that these girls (your ex and mine) have no idea what they want. so they leave us cuz they realized they don't want us anymore for some reason.

i am pretty much at this stage right now. as i posted earlier, my mind is my enemy right now. the obsessive thoughts i am having about my ex, especially the ones where i am speculating are the ones that are driving me crazy the most. i am very good at dwelling on things and i have always had a hard time not dwelling. it's ingrained in my brain like it's hardwired or something. i've always had problems overcoming emotional traumas. this is no exception. what pains me the most is knowing my ex doesn't give a rat's * * * * * or even a sliver of thought about me when i did nothing wrong and i was completely in love with her. bah!

well the thing is i am seeing a therapist. twice a week now and while she's offered suggestions to help, it only works for a while. that's why in some of my previous posts i thought about meds. the other thing is, i try to keep reminding myself it will only be 2 months since the break up at the end of this month. i know that's still not that long. and tomorrow, well, i just hope i can get through it.

a lot of my friends are telling to "get over it" and to "just accept it's over" or "stop dwelling on what was in the past, look to the future". while i appreciate all these suggestions and i know basically what i need to do, it's just not that easy for me. yes, i have made a lot of progress with moving on for the most part, and accepting things, i can't seem to stop obsessing over what my ex is doing. i posted on here a few times about this and it hasn't really subsided. those suggestions my friends are giving me are easier said than done when it comes to my obsessive thoughts. i feel like my mind has control over my emotions and thoughts. i am really tired of thinking about her. tomorrow is her birthday and i am afraid i am going to be thinking about her intensely the whole day. i know i am not going to contact her but i really wish it didn't have to be this way - i wish i could at least contact her to wish her well. i honestly still don't know what happened to her and between us that makes it so i can't even wish her a happy birthday. sorry, i had to vent again.

hey messed up, don't feel like a fool. we all make mistakes and you did what you thought you had to do. try not to regret is so much and try to learn from it. easier said than done, i know. i made a couple of huge mistakes and i am trying not to regret it myself. you sound a lot like me with the way you describe how you're feeling and how you handled your situation. i know the pain you're going through. it's really tough to have your girl whom you loved so much leave you, especially for another man. i have my speculations about my ex, but no proof. i often wonder if i'd be better off knowing 100% for sure that she is with someone or to constantly speculate. i often find myself checking out her myspace and friendster profiles even though i deleted her. what we both need to do is to completely stop worrying about them and worry about our lives. again, easier said than done, i am still having difficulty with that. i can give you a bit of hope in that it is not as bad as it used to be. if you need to talk or vent, send me a PM. hope you feel better.

it's always nice to hear a success story, i am very happy for you texasman. although i do like to hear/read about these success stories, it does make me sad honestly. because i know there is no chance for my ex and i to get back together. i don't think i could honestly, especially if i knew she had been with other guys and i haven't been. plus, she broke up with me because she was "too busy", so more than likely she'll do it again. and if she is with other men right now, or if she got involved in a relationship, then she lied to me about her reasons for breaking up with me and i couldn't get back with someone like that, even if i really wanted to. so anyway, good luck and i am very happy for you! i envy you and your situation. please keep us posted on your progress.

i've learned that i shouldn't rely so much on my girlfriend for my own happiness. i've learned not to lose myself in the person and to remember my wants and needs. i have also learned not to feel so insecure and needy if/when my girlfriend is busy with her life, that means i need to be busy in my life too, or i should be happy that she is busy and let her do her thing. staying in the moment when i am with my girlfriend and trying not to worry about the future or dwell on the past is something i am trying to remember to do next time. in fact, i am trying to remember to stay in the present in all aspects of my life now. it's hard, but it does help especially now when i am with my friends or with other females. it helps to distract my thoughts of the ex and refocus my attention on the other person and my immediate surroundings. the only thing that i still haven't figured out how to discuss the issue of infedelity when suspicion arises. [EDIT] just like gratefulpain mentioned above, i need to be happy with myself first. how can someone be happy with me if i am not happy with myself? my big regret is that i didn't see this or i wasn't this way when i was with my ex. who knows what would've happened or if i still would've gotten dumped. [/EDIT]

thanks for your support, i appreciate it! to be honest, i feel this is the one of the last things to overcome and one of the hardest. i have a feeling i will be missing her for a while but it's interfering with other aspects of my life because thoughts of her keep popping into my head, even when i am doing other things. obviously my ex didn't think i was worth holding on to, and i've accepted that fact. the part that bothers me is i still miss her and think about what she's doing.

hey thanks for this! i have done just about everything on here except eating what you specifically mentioned (which i will do) and the excercise part. i can't afford a gym but i guess i can do things at home. it's just that i hate staying at home by myself. oh well. well i know i had a life before my ex, it's just that it wasn't much of one. i am trying to change that around too. i've been looking into volunteering as well - i just need to find something i would like to volunteer for. thanks again for the tips, if someone has any other suggestions, i am all ears.

i feel since friday, i have made some real progress in my healing. i have simply given up on a lot of things and i feel that the distance has gotten greater between my ex and i. i haven't spoken to her since that time i saw her at the art exhibit which was almost 2 weeks ago. i have hung out with friends, some female - and i have done just about everything else i can think of. the one thing that i can't seem to shake is my longing for her. i really miss her. yeah i know she treated me like crap the last time i saw her and everyone says that should be enough for me to let go of all the positive things i remember about her but it's not. she never did that to me during our relationship - only at the very end after she dumped me. the only real "bad" memories i have of her is how she treated me that last time. when i look back on the relationship, there were some annoyances and yes, she wasn't perfect but no one is. those little annoyances were just part of her personality but everything else was great. this missing her is really making me frustrated. i think it's also facilitating my thoughts about her with other people because ultimately i want it to be me. i am also jealous of her because she's moved on already and i am sure no longer thinks about me. the other problem is i constantly compare her to all the girls i meet and i know that's counterproductive and self defeating, yet i can't help it. believe me when i say i don't want to miss her anymore. i mean, she doesn't miss me at all. i know i've posted a similar topic like this and RC did slap some sense into me, however i feel like this is getting ridiculous. it will be exactly 2 months since the break up at the end of this month and i feel i should at least have subsided in missing her but i haven't. also, sleep time is miserable as thoughts of her race through my mind when i am about to fall asleep, and it happens in my sleep (dreams), and the first thing when i wake up. [EDIT] and why am i so freaking concerned with her life? it's like i am more concerned about what she may or may not be doing, thinking, etc that it's making me forget about my life. again, it's not like i don't know what to do to help myself and i have tried them, but for some reason it doesn't work all that well. am i letting this happen? if so, how am i because i don't want this at all. [/EDIT] one more thing, her birthday is coming up this thursday - that's going to be a weird day for me i know. i am not going to do anything to wish her a happy birthday but i know that's going to make me feel bad but at the same time, if i did do something i know 1 of several things may happen: 1. she doesn't acknowledge the birthday wish, 2. she does acknowledge it but just says thanks, 3. it will make me look predictable and perhaps weak, or 4. it could upset her and/or hurt her feelings that i didn't even say anything ugh. what a frustrating feeling this is.

this may be a good thing to read before you start thinking about contacting your ex or if you are thinking about getting them back. hope this helps a bit.

i think that's how a lot of us feels. having someone else would be a good distraction. the thing for me is i keep comparing everyone single female i meet to my ex, even if i'm not interested in the romantically. i know this is self defeating thinking, i just don't know how to stop it. same goes for thinking about what she's doing, thinking, feeling, seeing. and i am also jealous that she's gotten over it already. i've done just about everything people have suggested: going out, hanging out w/friends, doing something i like - i've even signed up for drum lessons. today i had my first session and it's in an area of brooklyn that is relatively near my ex and i haven't been through that part of town since i was with her. i got distracted from the lesson for a minute cuz she popped into my head. i'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me and why haven't i gotten over it yet. i have made progress but the slowness is killing me. i am getting tired of feeling this way.

hey bkjsun, you've been doing very well for yourself lately and i think you've built up some strength within yourself. don't undo it by contacting her. i think you know deep down it will only set you back. if you're still dreaming about her like that and longing for her, then i think you're not ready to see or talk to her yet. just remember what happened to me, i thought i was ready but clearly i was not and i ended up making a complete fool out of myself, or at least that's the way i felt. i feel for you so much. i have made some progress myself, but those thoughts of her when i drift asleep, or when i wake up in the middle of the night, and when i dream about her are all there and i can't seem to stop these thoughts. during the day, it has gotten a little but better but i totally know what you mean about those thoughts before, during, and after sleep. my problem is, i still think about her with this one person who i think she cheated on me with or other guys and i don't even have proof. i know that's self destructive but i can't seem to let go of those thoughts and it still bothers me. once i no longer care about that is when i think i may want to contact her, that's if i still want to be friends with her at that point.

or, if you get in contact, your ex could be mean or nasty to you for no reason, leaving with more questions and/or hurt because you can't figure out why they're acting like that. trust me on this one, it happened to me. and here's another reason, you just might get information that you may not want to know about. such as who they might be seeing or something like that. or they may be vague about something and then you conjure up all sorts of scenarios that may or may not be true.

exactly. this is how i was left feeling. the funny thing is, i asked my ex more than once while she was distancing herself and she said she didn't know what's wrong. i had to leave for 4 days and i left on xmas. that day it was so bad and when i got back, she broke up with me the next day. she said had i not gone home for a few days and i was around to "talk" to her about it, she said it would've made it worse - whatever that means. it always made me frustrated that my ex never could talk to me about what was going through her mind while this was happening. i sometimes think she stuck around to collect her xmas presents and/or stuck around as to not be alone during xmas. although she broke up with me before new years.

today i have felt something i have never felt before. it is a bittersweet feeling and i hope this is a big step in my healing. i feel the most distant from my ex than i have ever felt before. i think reading the posts in the past couple of days has helped. i know i was still holding onto the good memories of my ex lately and that has been a hindrance in my recovery. it feels good in a way but it's also sad. the only analogy i can use is how it feels as if my ex has just broken up with me and has gotten on a plane to leave the country, and i can see her in the window looking back at me with sorrow in her eyes knowing this was the best thing for her to do as the plane is taxiing away from the terminal. i am actually getting a little choked up thinking about this. i know i'll probably have some more set backs, but this, as i said, feels like she's getting further and further away. i really wish it didn't have to be this way and i hope that i will be happier without her, but right now, it certainly doesn't feel that way. the past day or so, i've been trying to think about our relationship with my head instead of my heart, and i think i will always look back at it with a little regret on my part. i know she said i didn't do anything to make her break up with me and she even might have left me for someone else, i still can't prove it. but i wish i was more secure with myself and i was stronger - but at the end of the day, she left me. i think that if she loved me enough, she would've stayed with me - this hurts too, of course. but again, i feel like the bond i had with her and my attachment has been cut even further. i feel slightly better but there still is sadness and hurt. hopefully soon, i'll be happy with myself and for her. i am gonna wonder if she ever knew how much pain she's caused me and how much i loved her and how dearly i missed her, even though she was nasty with me at the end. i have always been a forgiving person and i can forgive her. next week is her birthday and i know i am not going to contact her at all and i will probably feel guilty about it. the next step for me, i think, is to stop regretting some of the things i've done lately, like deleting her from my friendster/myspace lists, the way i handled myself when i saw her last, and even some of the things i did during our relationship. thanks everyone for putting up with my craziness lately. i know some of you can relate and i appreciate all the repsonses and PMs i've gotten. as you can probably tell, i am still sad, but i am also happy that i feel the farthest i've ever felt from my ex since the break up.

this is similar to what happened to me. i was feeling neglected in my relationship because my ex was sooo busy that she couldn't put much effort into the relationship. she broke up with me after being distant for about 3 weeks and it was so bad on xmas. she broke up with me 4 days later because she felt the relationship was too overwhelming. now she is acting like she couldn't give 2 s***s about me. i still feel like i had done something to contribute to the break up. i often wonder if she just stopped loving me or fell out of love with me. i never quite bought her reason for the break up but i guess i'll never know.

this is exactly what i meant with regards to the post i made "why does this happen". in your case, you were just trying to return something and it blew up in your face. i don't get these type of people.

i was just wondering why when someone gets dumped and they pour their heart and soul out to the other person with regards to the way they feel, it only pushes the other person away? it doesn't even have to be begging and pleading to get the ex back - i know how that could push them away. but if the dumpee was being sincere and told the dumper that they were hurt and that they still loved the other one, why would that push the other one away? i figure that if the dumper was a caring person, they would feel some compassion for that person. what i see happening time and time again is that the dumper actually gets nasty with the dumpee and that just makes everything worse, especially if the break up wasn't bad. does it mean that the dumper doesn't care? if so, how can people just not care when they break up with someone. i am having a really difficult time understanding this as my ex seemed like she didn't care at all about me or my feelings when i saw her the last time. do the dumpers do this to ease their own guilt? can someone help me understand this? i just want to get some understanding on what is going on in my ex's head. No, i don't want to get back together with her. i am the type that likes to understand why things happen and why thing are the way they are. i am accepting the break up the best i can, but i can't figure out why i got treated like a redheaded step child by my ex when i didn't do anything wrong to her since the break up.

once again, i woke up feeling sad. this time, i wasn't thinking about the good things about my ex, i just feel sad in general. i am really getting sick and tired of feeling this way. i know it's over, however all the negative feelings are overpowering. i can't seem to be positive or see the positives about this break up. for the past month and a half, i have not been myself at all. i've lost motivation in just about everything. i've tried to do things to take my mind off of my ex and the break up, but it doesn't work too well. i've always wanted to make music, so i bought music software that cost me $500, but i have hardly touched it. i bought a new skateboard, but only skated once. i signed up for drum lessons and it starts on sunday so we'll see how that goes. i've considered joining a gym, but it costs too much. i'm moving in april, and i was excited about it but not anymore. i've bought a few books about overcoming break ups and other topics and they're good while i am reading them, but when i finish, it's only slightly better. i've also tried getting angry at my ex yesterday, but it only lasts for a few minutes, then it goes away and i just start feeling sorry for myself. well i am at work, so i will try to focus on that - but even work isn't distracting enough.

i don't know if this has anything to do with it, but in my experience, i've been dumped twice, and both times the ex had someone else to jump in the sack with immediately. i dumped someone once, and i had no one lined up to do that. all my guy friends who've been dumped had the same experience. their exes had someone else lined up. so in my opinion, i think it's easier for girls to get over it because it's *usually* easier for them to find someone to get their minds off their ex. either by sleeping with that person or taking comfort in them. also, all my guy friends seemed to have taken it a lot harder in general. no offense to the females, just giving my experience.

you guys are right. i guess i am trying to hold onto good memories because i just can't believe how completely different my ex was to me the other night, and if she did do something with that guy during or right after our relationship, then her reason's for the break up were all lies. i didn't realize how powerful denial is. as far as the meds are concerned, there have been issues i have had with myself my whole life and i think this traumatic break up has brought all of it to the surface again and they've taken a hold on me. i've been seeing a therapist prior to the break up, but now it's just too much for me to handle. i am going to seriously consider them though. [EDIT] i also have a hard time believing there are people who are complete users and will use people and then never care about what happens to them. how can people like this live with themselves? i've always been an honest and generous person, so i cannot fathom how these people think or live their lives [/EDIT]

don't you think i realize this? that's the frustrating part, i try my hardest but i t seems like i may not be strong enough mentally. i don't know what else to do. i'm seriously considering meds, as i mentioned in a previous post of mine from a while back. i know and i have experienced first hand everything you've just said obviously. i feel really weak mentally and it this stage, it is getting rather embarrassing. my self esteem has been shattered to pieces so perhaps this is why i am having such difficulties. the progress i do make seems to get underminded by my own obsessive thoughts. i am my own worst enemy right now and i am trying not to let myself defeat me, if that makes sense.

i started sensing something was happening a few weeks before she broke up with me. we had xmas together - xmas eve was great, but xmas day was bad. she was so distant from me i had to say something. i still wasn't sure what was happening at this point but my gut knew something was up. i told her that she was being really distant lately and i was having a hard time putting all the effort into the relationship. i had to go home on xmas day and i had to leave my ex cuz she wasn't coming. i call her when i landed at the airport, she said she tried to leave me a voicemail but it didn't take for some reason. she said she apologized for being distant and thanked me for a wonderful xmas. i come home thursday, the 28th, and give her some gifts from my mom and step dad. we made plans for her to come over the next day to spend the weekend together. she comes over the next day, friday the 29th, but she doesn't have any of her things or her dog. i ask her where her stuff was and then she says "i'm not staying" - this is right when i knew she was going to break up with me. i will never forget it for the rest of my life. she then sat me down on my bed and proceeded to dump me.

listen everyone, i really hope i am not becoming an annoyance on here. i apologize if i am. right now, i just need a place to get my thoughts and feelings out. you can reply if you want, but if not, that's fine too. last night was pretty good, i went out with coworker after work and we had a good time, although i thought about what my ex was doing a few times. i came home around 1:30am and yes, i thought about if my ex was with someone at her house. luckily i was tired enough to fall asleep. and no, i did not make any attempt to contact her. this morning, however, not so good. it's amazing how this recovery process is working. many of you are correct - i seem to be "swirling" through good days, bad days, strong days, weak days, etc. i just hope that i am moving forward and making progress. today i feel a profound sense of sadness and longing for my ex. we used to have a routine where i would go to her house on tuesday nights and we'd wake up on wednesday mornings, get breakfast, walk her dog, and head into the city. yesterday would've been our first Valentine's Day together and who knows what we would've done. i still haven't gotten quite used to not going to her house on tuesdays and wednesdays. All i know is i miss her terribly RIGHT NOW. even after the treatment i got from her the other night, i still feel this way. i also feel guilty in a way for the way i reacted to her and i am upset that her last impression of me is not a good one, it's not someone who she saw when we were going out and who know's if that's the way she'll always remember me. last night, almost all of my dreams were about her. they all had the same theme: i am frantically running around, trying to find her but i never do. i feel this overwhelming sense of panic as i am trying to locate her. i wake up frustrated and sad. it hasnt' even been 2 months since the break up but if feels like months and months. i am getting so tired of feeling the way i do, i just want to get on with my life and to stop feeling sad and lonely and i want to stop missing her. she obviously isn't feeling the same way i do and knowing this makes me sad too. please, someone just make it stop.