pos69sum

i wish. i just changed the address of my blog in my post. she knows the address of it. it is probably bad in that, she will probably read that email and think, 'oh man now he is writing about me in his blog why is he so crazy about this?'. but it is also good in that, i felt like that last post really said it all, and i was not able to get a word in edgewise during that last phone conversation. whenever i'd launch into stuff about our relationship she'd stop me and tell me not to talk about it. at least it's out there and she can read it if she wants. i would hate for us to never talk again without me at least making some effort to appologize for certain things. i now feel like i've said everything i wanted to and can resume nc - although it's still tough because i miss her.

man, that is really deep miss m. i keep re reading your last post.

i remember this superior attitude that my ex had to me after the breakup. it's infuriating because she's actually worse than me, not better - she was the one who cheated.

unless you're leaving something out, she doesn't have any basis for being upset with you in this situation.

omg how do you know me so well? this is very good, i really appreciate it. and got me through a rough day of sitting inside w nothing to do - usually a bad thing for me these days. i will write more later, peace to you miss m.

how soon did you start dating again, and what have been your experiences in the dating world so far?

yeah but the reality is, most people who do the dumping have some type of a 'backup plan' in mind when they break it off. so it's easier for them to 'start over', plus they don't have to deal with the baggage of dealing w rejection.

can you recommend any books or websites to read?

i'm basically trashing any type of progress i've made or even chance at a friendship right now, why did i do that?

ok probably the stupidest thing i've done so far: i copied this thread into my blog and i sent her this email- s.- i don't know what you will think of me after reading this, but i am writing about my life after you breaking up with me on my blog link removed i respect your decision for wanting to go on with your life. i am not trying to get you back, i wrote some things here that i was never able to say to you and i thought you should read. after that last phone conversation i realized that it just hurts too much to talk to you right now. you will always be a dear person to me, and i would really like to be friends with you the way you want at some point, it just hurts too much at this point. i just wanted you to read some of these things that i wrote. i hope you are well, give my love to your family. me

one day i will not have any desire to think about it anymore, and then i will know that have moved on. any person who just lost their girlfriend will be temporarily obsessed with it like i am. maybe the act of writing these things down will help me sort things out more quickly, i don't know. have you ever seen that movie 'sweet and lowdown'? sean penn is a jazz guitarist whose girlfriend finally gets sick of his * * * * and leaves him. at first he doesn't care, but then he realizes that he really loves her, and tries to get her back but at that point she has already married someone else. it's at that point that he becomes a real artist goes on to create the greatest music of his career, before disappearing into obscurity.

i basically have *no* hope that we will get back together, except the knowledge that anything is possible - but some things are extremely unlikely. my ex is finally making herself happy, which is all i ever wanted for her, all we ever really wanted for each other, but were unable to do when we were together. how can you find time to make friends in your local area, or find time to do things for youself and your future, when you are in this 'relationship', which except for a few times a year, basically boils down to sitting in your apartment on the phone with someone out of a sense of obligation or loyalty or just force of habit? someone who has very different ideas of what it is exactly you should be doing with your life that are different from what you know is true for you? i am certain that what we felt together was love, although a naive and kind of stupid love that blindly, stubbornly refused to acknowledge our external circumstances. the reality of the situation was that we lived in different parts of the country, and that the *only* thing that would bring us together living in the same city was an offer of marriage on my part, because her family would never consent to us living together outside of marriage. and the reality of the situation was that, at the time, i felt that i was just not ready to make that kind of commitment to her. there was always a part of me that did not trust her, and wanted to be sure that if we got married, we would stay together and never get divorced, as that idea scared me most of all. i felt that she needed to do a lot of growing up - get back into school, find herself a career path, get out of this rut that i felt she was in, not giving any thought to the future, concerned only with partying. i loved this carefree and idealistic girl, but i wanted to marry that girl after she had grown up and was ready to settle down into a mature relationship where both partners contribute to building a future together. a lot of this dichotomy had to do with our age difference - i had done my share of partying when i was her age and i was now trying to focus on my career. it endeared me and exasperated me to have this cute girl always asking me 'so when are you going to marry me?'. nobody *ever* loved me that way, and i cherished her for that. she was my baby, and i always had this idea we would work it out somehow. she just could not see things from my perspective - that i was willing to be with her, but if we were really going to be together we had to have some type of plan. i had a plan, and if she *had* her version of a 'plan', i was wiling to work with her and compromise in whatever way i could to arrive at a mutual plan. i am always pragmatic, it just did not seem like a smart move to me - it seemed like a recipe for disaster, actually. i could see a future where i would resent her for not taking steps to contribute to our general welfare - namely, getting some type of career, resuming her acting pursuits even - and she would likewise grow to resent me for trying to force her to do something which she was, i don't know - 'unable to do at this point in her life', at my most exasperated with her i would say 'too lazy or immature to do'. in my darkest thoughts, i felt sometimes that she just wanted to get married as an easy way to get out of her parent's house, have someone take care of her - and even (i am an * * * for thinking this) have the option of divorcing and getting some money out of it if she didn't like being married to me. i am a very paranoid person - and that is my problem - i always think of the worst possible scenarios. and why shouldn't she insist on getting married to me? when i met her i fell for immediately, i thought if this beautiful young girl wanted to marry me i would do it. and i asked her to marry me the first time we ever spoke to each other, and she said 'yes'. that one promise, made out of a mixture of innocence, desperation and stupidity - changed both our lives for the next five years. for the first three years it was just sweet, and i was carried through my daily life by a secret strength that came from knowing that this beautiful girl was mine and i was hers, and that we would be together once we could. she inspired me to become a better man - to get into graduate school and start building my career. i told her once that she was my 'good luck charm', because all of these good things started happening in my life after i met her. now she is someone else's good luck charm. i wonder what will happen to me now that she is gone, i feel so sad these days i have trouble facing each day. she was the apple in my eye and the joy in my heart. she was the first voice i heard in the mornings, and the person i said goodnight to every night before i went to sleep, she was my best friend - i opened up to her and shared my life, all my thoughts and dreams and fears and secrets, in ways that i never thought would be possible for me. i don't know how i'm ever going to have that kind of bond with another person again. but we had many problems. i know this is not right - but i keep turning over our relationship in my mind, and now i can see that many of the things that were wrong were my fault. she was my first long term girlfriend, and more than that she was my *best* friend, the best friend male or female that i ever had - and i was an arrogant insensitive jerk to her. my parents are very snobbish. they are doctors and are stuck on this idea that i marry someone of my 'caliber'. my mother in particular, saw sophia - this dreamer girl who had dreams of becoming an actress and had dropped out of college - and saw only bad things. she did not like that i was spending all my time - and money, this was in the days before unlimited long distance cellular phone plans - on the phone with this girl in another state. at the time i was saving up for the down payment on my first home - my parents were helping to cover part of my expenses. my mom kept nagging me about not having enough money to meet the deadline for the down payment and how they would have to cover more than they had agreed to, i was under a lot of pressure. and i did something unforgiveable - i broke up with sophia to get my mom off my back (also because we had been fighting at the time but mainly because i me being an idiot). and i got my mom off my back, and i felt free for a little while - until i started missing her, and asked her to take me back. for the next 2 years, i kept the fact that i was still with sophia a secret to my mom and my family. she became a secret that i kept from everybody, and this destroyed our relationship eventually. i do not know why she took me back, if i was in her position i would not take me back after something so horrible. but she did, and time went on and i forgot about it, but she would occasionally give me s*** for it when she got angry with me, and she never really forgot about it. it was at this point where we started having real problems. we also grew to love each other more, but we quarrelled more frequently when we never used to argue at all. i also started going to graduate school - and for a couple of years i was just not *there* a lot of the times, i'd always have some type of test or project i was worried about on top of my normal 40 hour a week job. and i got bored with talking to her, i got more into my music and wanted time to practice, and i met friends in school, women who i thought i probably could have dated. i felt frustrated because i always had to spend my freetime on the phone with sophia. sometimes i would feel resentful towards her, and neglect her, because i felt 'held back' by her. i was the one with a job and school - my life was busy if not fulfilling. i can just imagine what it was like for her - while i was out getting a degree a new house and a career, she seemed to stagnate. she was just a young girl always alone in her room talking on the phone to this guy in another state who was not there for her a lot of the times, or was so preoccupied and stressed out that he ignored her or blew her off. how she put up with this situation, i do not know. i remember one time i did not see her for almost six months because i had a big thesis project, i took her out to a restaurant the first night of that visit. i remember looking accross the table at her and realizing that this beautiful young girl i had met years ago was now overweight, and i could see a sadness in her face that was not there before. this thought made me so sad and guilty, because i realized that i was looking at a depressed person who had spend the past four years sitting in her room on the phone, waiting for me to finish school and marry her. the naivete of that, and love that it took for her to do that, filled me with sadness and it made me love her even more. i started crying and i held her hand. she asked me why i was crying - at the time i could not articulate what i was feeling. but then again i did not force her to do this - she had every opportunity to go out and do whatever it is that would fulfill her as a person, to meet new friends, this is in fact what i wanted her to do. i wanted to marry a complete woman, i didn't want to be everything to someone or to have to bear the sole responsibility for providing for a household. she *could not* do this while she was with me. this is her problem, and it kills me when she says 'i have to find out what i want to do with my life and i can't when i'm with you' - because this is exactly what i've been telling her to do all along, and the thing that made me so frustrated with her. we held each other back from really living life, we were each other's security blankets - and despite the great love and friendship we shared, we could not overcome this. she told me on the phone she got tired of waiting for me to marry her, and i don't blame her. she waited six years, much longer than i deserved. if i could have done that, we would have been able to move on with our lives *together* - but i could not see this at the time. when she broke up with me, i was shocked by the animosity that i could sense she had been holding back for so long. she told me on the phone that she could not get over the situation with my mother. it broke my heart to hear her basically gushing about this new guy she was with, and the casualness with which she now spoke to me, as if i was her best guy friend, when for so long we were much closer than just friends. this new guy actually sounds like a decent guy - he is taking her to meet his parents, she told me. he is proud of me, she said. when i heard that, i felt like i deserved all the loneliness and heartbreak that i had gotten. and she deserved to be happy for a change. god i miss her so much, i feel like i'm missing a part of myself. when i think that she doesn't love me anymore, that i lost my baby because i was a coward, because i could not stand up for her, because i could not be a man, i feel like dying. i might have lost the love of my life and the best thing that will ever happen to me. i had a dream once that i spoke to god, he told me 'you see that girl? that's the person that i gave to you. you have to take care of her'. on the last day of her last visit - we took a long drive and i turned to her and said: 'i love you. just give me the word and i will go to my parents and tell them that i am with you, i will stand up for you'. she was overjoyed at the time and told me that was the sweetest thing i ever said to her. she never took me up on that, i thought that she might have on this last visit over new years, which never happened because at that point she had already broken up with me. something, like you said, snapped in her mind between that day and christmastime. i will probably go to my grave wondering what caused this sudden change in her perception, but i think that it was more than meeting another guy - in fact i think that guy is just her 'safety net' to avoid feeling alone right now, but i do not know or want to know the specifics of that relationship. whatever caused this change in her, it is my fault. i did this to myself, i don't know how i can live with myself knowing this. she is a different person now. i do not know this person, i know my best friend is still there somewhere, although she may be trying to bury that person forever. this new person treats me casually, and it cuts me to the core. it hurts me more than a punch to the gut hearing her talk to me about her new guy, like i'm just one of her girlfriends. and it makes me angry that she would be so malicious, or be so unthinking, that she would flaunt details about this new relationship as if she were talking to just anybody on the street. and she has become cruel. she makes hurtful comments like 'why don't you go hang out with your mom now?' and 'you should fire your therapist'. she had im'ed me a couple of times, and i missed her so much that i broke down and called her. she asked me why i was calling, was i calling to talk like friends? no, i said, i was calling because i missed you. and we proceeded to talk, and i tried to talk as friends, although every word that was said was like a knife in my heart. when i hung up with her i said 'i love you'. and she said 'it'll be our secret, i love you too'.

we had a long conversation - i will write about it later. right now i need a drink.

* * * * she called me back!! was not bad, but then again it wasn't good either. i'm gonna need a lot of therapy now.

my brother married his high school sweetheart. they were together for about 5-6 years, all through college. a year after they graduated, she broke it off with him. he had just done poorly on his mcats, and then his girl breaks up with him. it is one of the few times i've ever seen him cry. after that, he became a big partyer. he started dating a lot of women. i had moved out of state but a couple of years later i heard that they had started to see each other again. they had been apart for a couple of years at this point. then they dated again, and it was the same as before, only they were a lot more serious - they eventually got married.

* * * *! i just called her!! 2 weeks of no contact down the drain. i let it ring 3 times then hung up before anyone answered. i feel horrible, god what a shmuck i am.

i read somewhere that it will take half the amount of time that you were together. in which case, i'm screwed for the next 3 years.

i did make it sound like our relationship was horrible didn't i? it's really sad to think that the reason behind everything that happened was that we loved each other, and we shared a promise w each other that we'd always be there for each other. of course i wound up taking her for granted. i treated her badly, i even - almost- cheated on her a number of times, but i always stopped myself. and that would lead to my breaking up with her due to feeling 'trapped', but then we'd get back together again because i really needed her. this is definitely karmic payback of some sort. i was definitely a lousy boyfriend. i feel so guilty, i want to make it up to her but of course it's too late. in my defense all i can say was i did the best i could - i was working a 50 hour a week job and putting myself through graduate school. my mind was constantly preoccupied by daily pressures of work and exams. i haven't taken a vacation in 4 years. and i was doing it for us, i had this stupid idea that someday i'd make so much money and be able to take care of her. i still haven't gotten to that point, even after all these years of pushing myself. i was stupid - i wasn't there for her in the simplest most basic way. her love inspired me to try to become a better person, but in the end i forgot what i was working so hard for, and i became a person that she didn't love anymore.

...although she sounds like she's not worth all this heartache.

my ex has been sending me emails and im messages. i haven't responded to her. i have the urge to call really badly lately - i have not called since we broke up. i have to keep reading these threads because i miss her so bad, and i know if i call all i'll do is just make the situation worse and mess up any of the progress i've made in the past couple weeks.

hey Miss M my mind keeps turning over the complete personality change that came over her the last few weeks before the breakup, that and the insensitivity with which she generally handled the breakup. she basically went from sweet caring girl to cold * * * * * overnight. just her general tone and some of the things were said, the breakup was unexpected enough as it was, and to top it off some really harsh things were said and done on her part that just seem to me unnecessarily hurtful. for one thing - i know, 'all's fair in love and war' but ... the way she described it to me, she had already decided she wanted out, but it seemed like she just held onto the relationship until she could find someone else to latch onto in order to ease her anxiety about being alone. this is her personal problem - she is one of those people who needs to be in a relationship and cannot be happy just by herself. her codependant tendencies were partly to blame for the fscked up state of our relationship in the first place. she has to have someone else to focus on because she is lost on her own. to me, if you decide your partner is not making you happy, feelings change and so forth - then either try to fix the problem or end it. do not take the coward's way out and find some other random dude to latch onto *before* you break it off with your current guy. i mean, they did not have sex yet, but they were already talking, from what i know, as if they were boyfriend girlfriend *while* i was still with her. to me this is almost cheating and is certainly not fair to me. what happened was that basically i was sideswiped by this unexpectedly, i thought everything was ok, and then wham. complete emotional devastation, while she gets to enjoy the giddy rush of a new relationship, throw away our six year relationship and walk away unscathed. not fair. also - the things that were said at the time, the general callousness and some of the mean things that were said - ex., why in the F$CK did she have to blurt out hurtful SH!T like 'i think i love this guy, i may even sleep with him' or try to show me his picture (why would i even care to see this douchebag?!) - just make me see her in a new light, validate feelings of mistrust i've always had towards her that held me back from making more of a commitment to her, and generally just make me wonder, why would i even need a person like this as a friend? and to top it off - she had the audacity to not respect my wishes, contacting me 2 weeks later - when i told her i will contact you in a couple of months. what does she want? well probably a) she is still with this guy and is bored when he is at work or something, noone to talk to so she is trying to contact me. what does she want to talk about? who knows, problems with the new guy? we were together for six years - you have to be an emotional idiot to know that it would probably rip my heart to even discuss trivial stuff like the weather with her at this point, much less be her 'shoulder to cry on' while he's away. i find this incredibly selfish. or b) she made a mistake and wants to patch things up - well, not possible for me at this point, and this is probably not the case anyway.

I have been doing better the past few days - I tentatively have a date with a girl I met on link removed. She seems nice, at the very least I might make a new friend. I've also been out a couple of times with friends and have had a lot more time to work on my guitar practicing, which I didn't have a lot of time to do when she was around. I'm also getting into my work. I don't feel sad as I did as last week, or get the urge to call her, but I still miss her. She's been instant messaging me a couple of times today. She basically asks 'Can we talk now?' - even though she knows full well I told her I won't contact her for at least a couple of months (in fact, I had decided that I'd probably never contact her again). I think I already know what you guys are going to say - the best thing is to keep NC at this point, right? I still love my ex, but now I realize that if I try to be friends with her right now I might be setting myself to get hurt again after struggling to get over it the past couple weeks. And if for some reason she wants me back - I'm not even sure if I can ever forgive her for what she did. It's really sad - even a friendship at this point doesn't seem like a good idea.

i have a lot of free time now that i'm single - i find i can be really productive these days. it's weird all these years when we were together, it always seemed like i never had any time to take care of anything - well, now i know why. it's only been 2 weeks for me but i met a few people last week at a meetup group for people interested in trying out different restaurants. it's good you mentioned church, that sounds like a good idea. like you i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to piece together a social life after relying on her for everything. it's scary but full of possibilities at the same time.

why did you break up w him?

it is insulting when they seem to 'flaunt' their new love interest in your face like that. it just seems like a really rude and insensitive thing to do. i have had a number of exes act that way - doesn't she know she is hurting you by inviting you to this fundraiser?