Lykke 32

I wrote her about two weeks ago, that if she was not ready to talk to me, so she needed more time. I told her to take all the time she needed and then, if she still felt like to talk, she was always welcome to contact me.... You know, it really took time to put the right words to the message. I was all hasitant, whether to send it, I changed this word instead of this, I thought back and forth, if I should´ve sent it or not..... Well after one hour of this reading it again and again, wondering, if it was good enought etc. etc., I´ve sent it..... Now the best part was, that I hardly managed to get the delivery repport, and she wrote me back! Literally in 20 seconds She simply wrote "Thanks". Nothing less, nothing more... I don´t know, she could maybe spend 3 minutes on this and write at least five more words....I feel a bit used somehow, you know... Like she managed to make me open up to her again, but, well, she disappeared anyway..... She probably didn´t know, what else to say.....

Thank you guys for the good advices..... It helped me really to look at it from the right perspective. I had a bad weekend though, I was all sad... On the other hand I realised, that I really was almost over my tender feelings towards her, but anyway only almost.... I am so afraid, that if we somehow start to talk again, I would go the wrong direction again.... And at the same time I think, I am able to be just friends..... Maybe..... Pretty chaotic, right? It takes so damn long to move on..... It´s unbelievable..... I don´t know, what I am gonna do. Luckily enought there is no rush to decide anything.... Pleeeenty of time.... I don´t even know, if I am glad, that she contacted me, or not.... Maybe just "Have a nice day" sms one day would be ok? I don´t know, I need maybe more time....

I posted about this relationship before. basically I fell in love with her, it took me ages, since I admited it. Then I went throught the stage " the friendship is more important then love". But it didn´t work for me. She also treated me sometimes the way, that brought me into the button. I´ve decided to break the friendship off with her. It´s been a year ago. I´ve had a pretty bad time after that, but it was also releaving in many ways. Anyway, I also felt guilty for the way, I broke it off. It wasn´t nice, I am not proud of it. And I decided to tell her the truth about my feelings towards her(she was always sending mixed signals, so I wanted to clear this) . So I wrote her a letter 5 months ago. I explained, why I ended our friendship, said sorry for the way I did it and told her about my feelings towards her. I pointed out, that she didn´t have to answer, I just asked her to let me know, if she got the letter, so she knew the truth. I told her, that if she wouldn´t write back, I was gonna take it as a closure. And that was exactly, what happened. She´s sent me sms saying, she did read the letter, but she didn´t know, what to say. I´ve never heart from her again. Well, I did, as I said, I took it as a closure and finally moved on after all....Not completely, I must say, but far enought....It was so hard, but I felt so good lately. This thursday, out of blue, she wrote me sms saying, that she was often thinking about me and asking how i was doing.... I was like WHAT??? I asked, why she wrote me. Why now. She just wanted to let me know, that she still cared about me and that she felt bad, she never answered my letter. She still didn´t know, how she felt about it all and she was still confused about, what happened between us. So I asked her, what she wanted out of contacting me, ´cause I thought, there must be something. I asked, if she wanted to talk about it, it could help to clear the things. Then she got all defensive. She didn´t want anything, she just want to be nice and she still wasn´t able to cope with, what happened. She wasn´t able to talk with me, not yet. I said, I was sorry, that she couldn´t move on and asked, if there is anything, I could do to help her. Well, silence again.... Now I am totally lost.... Waiting and waiting for the answer.... She seems to disappear again... Why she contacted me, if she doesn´t want to talk to me? It makes no sense...... I am confused.... She never commented either way the fact, that I love her. She never said, it was crazy or unbelievable... She just really never said anything.... Nothing, that would clear this up... Would you guys ask her straight, whether she ever had feelings for me? Thanks

Well, I can easily tell, that this situation is really bothering you.... You are writting about a lot of those suspisious details in his behaviour, you want desperately us to say: yes, he is definitely gay. But we can´t decide that for you. If he is gay, then he is not opened about it, sending mixed signals, morover pretending being homophobic. OR he is just a straight guy, for whome being gay is acutally gross..... I think, that your story can go both directions.... You are stuck now, because you dont´t know whether to tell him or not. Sit down and think carefully throught, what the outcome of telling him could be and if you are ready to deal with all, what might happen. You wanna come out to him. Are you ready to come out to your family and friends? If you think about the worst possibility (he is homophobic and not a good friend), he might be outing you to them. Another thing to your consideration should be the friendship of you two. You must know, that telling him, that you are gay, might change your relationship. If he is a true friend, it shouldn´t, but if he is homophobic, he might distant himself from you. You have a crush on him. You know, what they say: if you treasure the friendship, you should supresse your feelings and keep the friendship.... Well, I don´t believe in that. If you love someone, you want love in return.... Friendship is not enought. That´s my personal opinion and my personal experience. I´ve spent one whole year myself on that mission-friendship-impossible with no success... Unrequited love sucks anyway and it sucks even more, if you are in regular contact. Maybe the friendship is possible later, when you are totally over him, but that requires no contact for some time for sure.... If you are not gonna tell him now, it´s gonna be bothering you even more with time. You end up wondering and stuck in "What if....". You should tell him now. You came so far on the way to tell him anyway, so just spit it out. See, what happens, and go from there. At least it´s gonna be some development.... Now, as you say yourself, it´s driving you crazy, and it´s not gonna be any better, if you not tell him... How old are you two? It´s only the whole speech about "devil to enter your heart and being gay is a choice and it´s a sin...." It sounds strange to me, but I guess, it´s because I come from not religious family and people around me are not homophobic at all. But anyway, it´s 21. st century.... Does anybody else think, it´s strange reply from a young guy? Or is it just me..... Anyway, good luck, I hope it helps a bit.

Hi avoj, sorry about your situation. I can imagine very well, how hurtful it is for you. I don´t know, what her reasons are to treat you like that. Maybe she´s not over her ex, maybe she´s confused, maybe she is just playing games with you.... But it doesn´t really matter, what the reason is, ´cause in the end it´s you, who´s hurting... I would really recommend not to live with her. Living with her is not gonna change this whole situation. I think, you need at least distance from her. I would try to explain her, that you can´t live with her, because it´s hurting you and that you need time to get over the feelings for her. I would ask her to move out. Just imagine, when she is gonna start to date someone. It´s gonna be really hurtful for you to witness that... Besides it´s gonna give you a space to think about it more clearly, if she moves... I know, you´re hoping, that she´s gonna change her mind and be your gf. But my personal opinion is, she is not the one for you. She has changed her mind often, kept you in a false hope for some time, hold you back from your possible date, had sex with you and then backed off..... It´s very bad treatment from her, especially, when she knows exactly, how you feel about her... She told you already, that you and her would never happen. I know, it hurts... But I guess, you must try to accept it and move on..... It must be enormously difficult for you to live with her....Take really good care of yourself!

Hej Miss M, great post, perfect "Translations" See, StantheRain, I take your right ear, Miss M takes the left.... Listen, really loud stereo!!

Hej hon, again, again Well, just a couple words. To me it seems like you are stuck in one place and turning round and round, don´t know, what direction to take... What you really want, sweetie? And I am asking as somebody who cares about you.... Look at the date, when your firts post came here.... It´s been a half a year of constant pain and I am not talking about those months before.... I know exactly, what you want.... You want a girlfriend, who would treat you nice, love you from the button of her heart, understands you, supports you, trusts you....to be your best friend.... You need a girlfriend to share your life with..... Now, let´s sum it up, ok? Treat you nice? I´ve read carefully everything, you wrote about her and the times, she treated you nice? Where are they? I used the lupe too, and NO, I didn´t find ANY!! Love you? Yep, this freeky-love-really-has-to-hurt way.... Is this the love you dream of? I doubt it.... Understands you, supports you, trusts you??? She doesn´t understand your needs, but she is perfectly clear about hers.... All I see is you supporting her, whenever she comes up with some ohhh-poor-me-I-need-your-heeeeeelp! story... She doesn´t trusts you, she needs to control you all the time, she is manipulating you exactly the way, she wants.... Sharing your life with her? Come on, girl, you don´t even tell her half of the things, as you are afraid of her reaction.... Girlfriend ..... She is not the only one on the planet.... And I dare to say, even if she is the only one on the planet, I would rather move, so we can share the planet together, but from the very very very safe distance.... No, I am not giving you a green sign this time.... You´ve tried everything possible and everything impossible to save this relationship..... Now it´s time to move on... I see, that there is something, you would like to get off your chest.... Get HER offfffff your chest first and then make peace with yourself, not with her.... Even if it means, that there are some things, you did and you are not proud of... Deal with it like a man. So what? You are not perfect.... I am not perfect either..... I acted like a b**ch too... At least you can tell to yourself, that there is something, you have learnt from her, right? Don´t talk to her! What would be the new, she would tell you? If you need her empty promises, I guess you´ve got plenty of them 3 months ago. You don´t need anything from her, you don´t owe her any explanation!!!! If you have something to say, say it to me Take care! If you get bored, train, how to be a bit more selfish and think about yourself at the first place (we´ve been talking about it some posts ago, remember?) Hugs

Dear StandtheRain, puha, that´s tought.... I definitely agree with everything Miss M wrote (quote-quote-quote-true!!-quote-definitely true-quote-quote-typical abuser-quote-quote ) and I vote for no contact! Did you ever think about changing your phone number? I would do that... This is so awful, what she´s doing.... Come on, girl, don´t let her do this to you! Miss M, I would like to ask, whether you know about, how serious the abuser is, when she frightens about doing some harm to herself? Is it probable, that she is gonna do it? Or is it just another manipulative bla bla bla blaaaaaaaa... ? I would say, it´s blaaaa.... StandtheRain, be strong! NC! NC! NC! Friendship is not an option!!! It wouldn´t change anything! And it didn´t work before! Remember??! Hugs

Dear StandtheRain, well, once in a while throught those months I was thinking about you and your gf and how it all ended up.... And here you are, girl, and I am sorry for that, ´cause you are hurting again, again...... (((((Hugs))))) Well, as we´ve spoken about it before, you needed to give her that one last chance. And if you wouldn´t have done that, you´d have regret it.... You simply needed to do it! Take it as a fact. If you moved on without that one last try, you would speculate about it endlesly.... The insecurity would´ve eaten you up inside, you would´ve turn back to her anyway after some struggle..... So don´t think about it, what´s done is done, now move on! When this all happened? Is it some time ago? Are you NC now? I think, it happened, because you wanted to believe, that she is that nice person, you wanted her to be. But she is not. She never was! She always treated you bad.... But you have every right to expect from your gf to treat you with love and respect!! You have to move on and get ready for that, because I am sure, you´re gonna meet someone, who is gonna genuinely love you. That what happened with your ex, that´s really not the way relationship is supposed to be...... I don´t think, it all ended up, where it started.... You are ready now to detach from her, like you never were before! She is abuser and never change, now you know that for sure!! You take care, girl, and let´s talk about it!

Hi Jamie, ohhhh, it hurts even just to read about it.... Sorry about your situation. I think, you know, what you should do... You should break up with him and go NC. You should completely detache from him. I know, it´s gonna be very difficult, but believe me, in the end you will feel free.... You will feel, like you can breathe again..... This strange feeling around your stomach disappears, you are gonna cry less and less, your constant deppression changes into on and off one and then one day you find yourself smiling again and feeling happy.... I see your confusion about the fact, that when he is not there you really miss him, even if you wanna run away on the other hand..... It calls "betrayal bond". It´s working that way, that he treats you bad and then once in a while he treats you good. And it feels great for you, ´cause you hope for that and you believe, that he changes finally.... But then he is back in his element and treats you bad again. That is making you all confused,´cause those swings happens with no particular reasons and he makes you feel, like you must do something wrong (this iniciates the feeling that you are never good enought). So you try the best again and hope for the good treatment again..... And it comes on and off again. It´s really tricky,´cause with the time it makes you feel, like he is the only one, who can make you feel really happy. But it´s only because he treats you so bad in the first place, that even a small nice thing from him seems like a huge act of love to you......That´s what abuser does, he is "programing" you like that. It makes you believe, that he loves you and makes you hope, that he is gonna change in the end. And with time you would do whatever for those small nice things, you call love. But he doesn´t love you, he is using you and abusing you emotionally as well as physically..... I know, it´s really tought to face the truth.... You say, you appologize in the situations, when you don´t have to. It´s so typical. Abuser always has some kind of explanation of the particular situation, which makes it all looks like your fault. Those explanations sound very logical. So he inspire you to say sorry and you do it. He iniciate the feeling of guilt and it works. And afterwards you wonder, why you´ve even said sorry.... You deserve someone, who is gonna love you back and treat you with respect. You´ve been throught enought with this guy. Take good care of yourself.

Well, I falled in love with her. Straight all my life, it took me half a year to realise, that I was absolutely crazy about her. She was my best friend ever, my soulmate, she was so clever, the best, she was so beautiful..... I started to have a dreams about her, sexual as well.... I was so confused.... Started to realise, that something very interesting is going on with me. She was so into me, oh yes, I was the best ever, I was her love forever, she was staring at me, when I was around, she looked into my eyes deeply, she hugged me, whenever it was possible, she kissed me..... So I came to conclusion, it was mutual love..... I told her, I was probably in love with her... She answered "I thought so..." and then she told me, she never thought, it could happen to her, she ment, that girl could fall in love with her...She aksed "Was it something, i did?" I told her, that yes, that she was giving me those hints, mixed signals..... She told me, she was a hugger and that´s how she treated friends Out of that I figured, she is not in love with me... I was relieved kind of. It was like something huge felt off of my chest. And I came to the conclusion, that I wasn´t in love, I loved her like a friend, only a bit more.... I told her that....Hahaha.... How good I could fool myself.... I was only afraid to admit to myself, that I was in love with a girl... Things became weird a bit between us after that, but after couple months, she was all into me again..... If I would tell you everything, she wrote me, you would all say "Go for it!". I finally named my feelings towards her, I knew, I was deeply in love like never before.... We had a huge argument about 7 months ago and I cut her of my life, ´cause I was absolutely up side down, sick of thinking about her 24/7 and tired of her writting me, that I was her love forever and for always and so.... What was the meaning of those words, if she never ment them? 7 months I didn´t hear from her. I healed the most part of my heart, but still... Couldn´t let go... I often returned to that day, when I confessed to her about my love, she actually never say "No, you´ve got it wrong, you misunderstood..." I´ve got stuck.... I wrote her a letter, where I appologised about the things, I´ve said during the last argument (it was also huge burden for me, ´cause I´ve never ever hurt anybody in purpose, but I´ve said hurtful things to her, so I needed to say sorry).... I added to the letter a page saying, that I was still in love with her and if she had nothing to say, I was gonna take it as a closure and hopefully move on.... I wrote her, I wanted her to know the truth about my feelings.... She didn´t answer first, but after couple days, I´ve got a message saying, that she didn´t know, how to feel about all that. That she had to think about it and decide how to relate to me and my feelings.... And now what? I offered her the option about saying nothing as a closure.... But why she answered? I don´t wanna be stuck again with a stupid hope.... Why she can´t just say "Look, get real and leave me alone!" ](*,) Thanks for listening, I just need to vent....

Well, honestly I don´t know.... I´ve read recently here on forum somebody saying, that girls are really difficult to say, out of their behaviour and possible "signs", if they are also into girls... And I so agree.... My "crush" would write me, she loves me, that she is mine forever, that I am her love forever, that she wanna kiss me, that she wanna hold me all night, that she can´t live without me etc etc.... When we were together, she would touch me often, hug me, hold my hand while walking, maintain eyecontact for long long time, I catched her many times observing me from the distance, she would kiss me on the lips (and not just a peek, 21, 22, 23...). She gave me a cd with a song "Didn´t know I was looking for love until I´ve found you...." When I opened up to her, that I was in love with her, I was 99 % sure it´s mutual.... And it wasn´t.... She told me, that´s what she does with friends.... As you describe the situation, yes, there could be some signs, BUT I also think, that her behaviour could be explained by different reasons.... But first of all, I am definitally not an expert here and another thing is, that nobody can really decide that for you.... As you wrote, you could get hurt, but you might as well wonder for a long time, how it is, if you don´t approche her.... That´s one possibility, but make sure, that you are able to handle the possible rejection... It could be really hard and emotional... Well, you love her and hope, that she feels the same towards you.... I would say, that the best way, how to find out at least, if she cares for you, is to hold you back for a while..... You say, you are no longer gonna work together... So this is the chance.... Wait, if she tries to contact you, if she is gonna miss you... What to loose? If she is gonna do that, go from there.... If she is not, than probably there isn´t anything special, that she feels towards you (I know, it sucks....), and there is nothing you can do about it...Sorry.... And don´t think, that you have to solve this situation until your last day at work with her... If she really cares, she cares also, if you are not there near her.... she will contact you.... I hope, this helps a bit... Take care

Thanks DN. I know.... I know, that they are happy for me and sad at once.... It just seems, like the distance now between us is even bigger, than it ever was.....I feel a bit, like I disappointed them or something... Well, enought of this pathetic blablabla... I´ve got a job! Jupiiiiii!!!!

Trueblue, sorry to hear about your situation. It´s tough to love somebody, who can´t reciprocate.... You would like to be friend with this guy, but I wouldn´t recommend that.... Try to sit down and imagine this friendship.... Would it really be a friendship? Yes, he can easily see you as a friend, but are you able to see him ONLY as a friend too? I doubt it.... It could end up with you being hurt quite often, seeing this guy having a happy relationship with somebody else..... I can see, that you really love him. Seeing him with another guy, sharing their happiness as a friend, it could be really painful for YOU..... And you might be pretty stuck there hoping, that he might change his mind one day and turn back to you..... And you might as well be stuck with this typical "Why this other guy and not me?"... Don´t let this happen to you...Sorry, I see a lot of pain causing you, if you stay friend with him now. You first need to get over him and then afterwards maybe be friends.... But maybe then, after you move on, you won´t need this friendship at all..... You seem like a really nice guy and it´s true, that he doesn´t deserve you. You deserve somebody, who loves you back the same way, you do.... This guy never did and never will (I think, he was always honest with you in that, wasn´t he?) I think, you should stop talk to him. Start NC (no contact). It´s gonna be tough at first, but it´s gonna get easier with the time, you´ll see.... Try to concentrate on your other friendships... Time heals and that´s true, however you might not believe it now..... You say, that this guy took away your shame for being gay. That´s fantastic and be grateful for that. But now it´s time to find somebody, who genuinely loves you back.... Move on! Brandon is right, people on ENA are gonna support you in the hard times whenever you need... Take care!

Sorry drjq112804, but I must agree here with BellaDonna, DN, Jinx... Maybe "hot" could mean something like "having only troubles"....You never know....Use your imagination.... Are you a doctor of any kind, as you are using "dr" in your screenname?....Let´s start "civilized discussion" about that.... Yeah, I´ve read, those are your inicials...Who knows? I dare to ask a question, where are those people, supposed to having fun together with you over this topic? Well, I proudly join the club of yours "people like you have to ruin fun for people like me..." I really, really, REALLY don´t like, when somebody calls other people fat, ugly, stupid..... It´s not nice...Not even close...Far far away.... In my opinion.... And you actually called some people here on forum stupid. And I totally disagree with you... If you are not able to handle discussion over such a controversial subject, don´t open it or at least don´t call other people stupid, if they show disagreement....