magictorch1976

Hi Thanks for the advice. I havent yet spoken to him about it although I know he would probably understand. Maybe I should go down that avenue because I dont want to ruin what we have. I just dont understand how my mind can be so annoying LOL ! He's perfect in every way and I should just be able to forget the past and concentrate on the future with him but each time, it's like a small explosion in my head - it all comes rushing back !! J.

Hello everyone. Hope all are ok. I was hoping I might be able to gain some advice as I am not sure how to go about sorting this out. I split with my ex boyfriend several months ago after a long period of psychological abuse. We had been together for 5.5 years and during this time, my self confidence and esteem went through the floor. He made me endure hangups about my body and my own mental state and I am, to be honest, extremely glad to be free of what was complete torture. I have since met someone else. He is lovely, treats me how I believe someone in a relationship should treat another person and I think I do believe in love at first sight because he is everything I ever wanted and more. Now here is the problem. When I was with my ex, the only way I could enjoy sex was to have wild fantasies about anyone and everything except being with him there and then. Now, I have major problems with my sex life because I cannot seem to get out of that mind set. The foreplay part is fine and I am raring to go but when we actually start doing proper sexual stuff, my mind switches over to my ex. Not being with him in that situation but either thinking about him and how he hurt me or being unable to gain any sexual feeling for my new partner. Then, the more I try and shut it out, the more prominent it becomes in my mind and I stop feeling anything sexual at all. It's really starting to become an issue and although my boyfriend is great about it, I get upset because I think I am never going to be able to have sex without thinking about my ex and what happened to me. I know it sounds crazy but I have a powerful mind and it's starting to ruin my enjoyment of sex totally because I cant seem to let myself go. My boyfriend says and does all the right things - my self esteem has gotton so much better but sexually, I feel a failure........please can anyone suggest a way forward ? Thank you in advance. Cheers. J

Hey All Well contact was made today. I got a text from him about 4pm saying that he wanted to meet in a neutral place to exchange our stuff. He said that I also had to think about a trip we were going on with friends in July and if I was still going would I consider moving into another room. He then said he didnt mind when I wanted to meet so long as it wasnt in work time and we needed to meet "in the middle." I responded "tonight then please" and also added time and place. He then responded "I cant tonight as I am off out" !!! I also said I wouldnt be going on the trip because he wrecked our relationship so I would have the 50 back I had paid towards the room please. I then got an abusive text back saying I should pay another 43 for the room and that I was the bully for issuing an ultimatum on Sunday. I asked why did he give me a choice about the time for the meet and he didnt respond to that part. I asked him if his housemate was in tonight and he responded "yes, you can leave it all with him after 9pm." Even these texts come accross controlling. He also said "I want the laptop back" Basically, he got a laptop from a work colleague that I was going to buy but it overheats and turns it'self off. So I don't want it. He said to take the 50 off the "laptop I broke." I didn't respond. I will take his stuff after 9 but I feel this wont be the end of it. I just want him gone, far away gone and I dont want to feel this way. How callous, nasty and evil is this guy. What have I done to deserve this treatment. I feel so down and I am trying to be strong but I feel caught up in this evil man's thoughts and I gave all my heart and soul to him and he is treating me like s***. Please help, I feel I am going insane. J.

Thank you. I dont know how to PM someone ! Maybe you can let me know ? I know what you mean about the being sick stuff. When he is ill, it's all about "i'm ill i'm ill, i need a drink, i need this, i need that," When I was ill, I was too scared to ask for caring, (because it never comes naturally,) in case I got "that look," or the "rolled eyes." I cant stop shaking - not madly but from anxiety. He doesnt have a key to the house, I took that back the last time we broke up, (probably number 374 in the 5 years.) I think hate him for how he has made me feel. I dont hate anyone. I keep thinking about all I have put in and how it's been thrown back in my face and how I desperately went on/went back, hoping it would change and that I would feel more valued. I'm so angry with myself for not having the strength to walk away. Then I feel even more despondant about how I let myself be treated like this. I think this is the crux of it - I want him to understand, I want to drill it into him, I want to make him see how downtrodden, derranged, exhausted I feel. And I cant, and that's the most frustrating part. I ask myself, how could I ever say I loved someone so deeply when they have done this to me ? This isn't love, it's a disasterous joke. I think about when he hit me. He says it's because I got angry and raged and screamed but then I think "because you made me like that. I cant express myself in any other way. I try the calm way, I try the sitting down and talking way and it gets so frustrating when whatever you do, it doesn't change the outcome." I feel for the next victim, I'm scared he will diss me even though I tried so hard. I feel walked on, stamped on even. I hate the thought of him being with someone else because he's mine and this was all going to change and we were going to be happy and it's all in total ruin. Feel like running away but I know that's not an option. I want it to be over, gone, out my head, out my heart. It's so frustrating too when you read all the comments on this forum from great people like yourselves and then internet sites, written by professionals that scream at you that you are in the right and STILL, it can't make it better. Jamie.

Hello Me again. I have had an awful day at work. Had a panic attack going in and found it really hard to physically walk up the stairs into the office. I have never experienced that before. I have been feeling numb all day long, constantly checking my phone, seeing if he had text me. Nothing. I have two cellphones - one is my own and one is a company one. I was texting my boss today about something and there were all these old messages in the inbox from my (ex) boyfriend about how much he loved me. I cant help thinking it's me and maybe I am intolerant to some degree or too needy, (which is what he says,) then I think about what's gone on and I go the other way, i.e. back to "i must not go back." It's horrible. I even felt bad asking for a hug or a kiss when we were together. Then I read and re-read the texts he sent me yesterday. They went as follows: "I dont want to be in a so called relationship with you. You just bring me down to make you feel better. I want my stuff back plus I will sort out your ticket for the concert." I tried calling. We had been having a discussion around the fact that I don't feel he pays me a lot of attention. He has recently got into trouble at work for using his cellphone so he said that he is not able to text me during the day and I should appreciate that. I called him a liar because I knew that he had. He put the phone down. I tried to call back but he kept diverting me so I left him a voice message advising that I was looking through my old cellphone, (I just replaced my phone,) and there were lots of texts from him, all sent "during the day," all about the problems that he was having at work. These texts didn't end with xxx or anything like "i hope you are OK." Last friday I had a problem and I text him at 1:00ish (after collecting HIS furniture - which he did thank me for to be fair,) advising that I had a bad problem with my mortgage payment, (they took it twice, leaving me with no money.) He didn't even bother to respond and only asked me when he detected it in my voice later in the day that I wasn't happy. He said he had been in a meeting, (fair enough,) but I obviously wasn't on his mind. So anyway, after he had listened to the voice message, (which I insinutated he was a liar because he directly denied doing something that I still had evidence to support,) I got another text: "I am not interested in your arguments. You just keep going on, trying to get the upper hand and frankley, I am not that interested in keeping being told it's my fault. Move on. You have made me stop caring." Is there no hope here ? I desperately want him to see my point of view. I haven't contacted him nor did I respond to that text - I just thought "you know what Jamie, you could go on and on and on till you are blue in the face and he won't see it or understand," so I just left it....... Jamie

Ah he doesn't live in my house. We have separate houses thank god. I would never have been able to live with him. When I was having to sell my house because of debt problems (managed to hold onto it,) it was all "move in with me and i'll look after you but your not bringing your cat." Because he doesn't like the cat ! GGGrrrrrrr !! And me, like a fool was going to do it........ Thanks Beyond The Sea...... x

Hi there I read that article today on another website and every single one of the 20 points he either has part or full association with. It was scary reading it. Thanks for your kind words. Thing is I know that it's all wrong, it's just the getting past it. 5 years is a long time to cast self-doubt over yourself and try and feel it's not my fault. Everywhere I look, everything I watch on TV, it all reminds me if you know what I mean. I think I am actually suffering from depression because of it. I'm not bothered about going out, getting up for work is difficult, I have that tight feeling in my chest and stomach of anxiety. All I wanted was an equal relationship, one where I felt important to that person. I am sick of saying something to him and him ignoring me because he is too engrossed in a TV programe. I am sick of getting stoned every night of the week and then expected to be bouncy and happy in the morning when I am knackered. I have to change that apparently ! I'm trying to change my innermost self in order to comply with his wishes and that feels so wrong to me. I want someone I can have a laugh with, talk about my day with, not have to hear all about how his problems affect him all the time. It's not I won't help, but it's at the expense of me because I dont get it in return and that, apparently, is wrong of me to expect. I have a lot to give in a relationship with someone I love and this time, I just feel that I am giving it all. I help him do stuff when he wants me too. I OFFER to do stuff. His mom still does his washing and ironing (he's 32 !) so I offer to do some of that when she's not around, I offer to pick him up from places, I offer my heart on a plate and it's just crushed, I fall in with what he wants to do. Last night, I had my cat on my knee and he told me he was jealous because he wanted me to touch him instead......is this wrong or is it totally wrong ?! He's hooked on material things - "come to my house and see my plasma TV, I've got a convertiable car, blah blah blah." It makes me cringe. He tries to tell me how to dress, what colour to paint my living room and then defs me out when I don't comply. I don't feel I can even choose a colour for my living room ! Because it will go against what he thinks. I'm not the best at relationships - who is. I get angry easily and I shout but it's only because it boils up inside me because I know if I try and talk to him, I won't get co-operation, just "it's you that's wrong to feel that way and what about how you make me feel ?" As for hitting me, well he said he thought I was going to hit him. I'm 9.5 st. He's 15 st. !!! As if. Last time it happened I got thrown to the floor outside his house, had my chin cut (which has scared,) my hands and my arm. Because I was banging on his front door. Apparently, he thought i was going to put my fist through it and "no one damages his stuff." Jamie.

Hi All I hope you can give me some advice. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do about the bloke that I love so much, (yet I don't know why.) I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. It's been a turbulent relationship with lots of "split up/back together scenario's." I am an easy going kind of bloke and I treat others how i like to be treated. I think about people and I put others before myself. My boyfriend seems to have latched onto this and I cant help but think that I am in a manipulative relationship because of this. If I told you everything, I would be here for hours and hours. Even now, typing this, I have the tight feeling in my chest and my stomach - something that only seems to go away these days when I am asleep. My boyfriend does not make me feel that he loves me. His actions speak louder than his words. Everytime I try and raise an issue about how I am feeling, whether I do it calmly or not, it gets turned around to how he is feeling and that I have to understand that "if something has ****ed me off, then something has probably ****ed him off as well." The discussion/argument about it then usually cumulates in me backing down or apologising when really, I dont feel that I should be and if usually also cumulates in me having to change something. I feel troddon on, totally unrespected and very sad. For example, we were having a discussion a few days ago about something or other. I dont feel that I get anything done for me unless I have to ask for it. THere is no thought there on his part whereas I think about him all the time. If I'm making a drink, I'll offer him one. If he wants a drink, he'll make one for him. We smoke weed (half the problem,) and there is always an argument about who's going to make them. I'll make them 8 times out of 10 first because I dont want that discussion. On Friday, I had been to collect some furniture that he had ordered in my lunch hour. I was told to make my own joints cos he didn't want one and he'd make his later ! I was incredulous. Anyway, the discussion came round to a time about 4 years ago when we had not been long seeing each other. I caught him fooling around on a gay dating site and found out that he had been with someone else. He says it was only ever just a snog but I dont believe that even to this day. Anyway, he was telling me on Friday night that he did it because he had felt unhappy in our relationship. TOday, we just had a row about how he makes me feel and when I said I would do what he did, "because I was unhappy," I got made to feel that it was wrong to even think it ! He says I am miserable in the morning. I must make more of an effort to be happy cos it makes him feel like ****. SO yesterday morning, I was all bouncy and happy and this morning HE was a miserable sod. So it's one rule for one and one for another. In fact, here's a list: 1. I'm too thin, I need to put on weight. 2. My eyebrows need plucking. 3. I have a spot on my face/nose/arm/chin that I need to squeeze. 4. I think you should paint your living room this colour, (uses words like "well, you do what you want,) if I disagree. 5. Your mom/dad dont know what they are talking about. 6. I'm bored at your house because I have everything at my house that I want, i.e my xbox, my 2 plasma tv's, dvd's etc. 7. I think you should do "this." When I dont conform to "this" then he trys to make me feel like I will be making a huge mistake. 8. I have two cats. He moans about that. One dribbles a bit and you would think it's the most disgusting thing on the planet. He goes all child-like, proclaiming loudly "urrrggggghhhhh, that's disgusting. When I had bad money problems, I was going to have to sell my house. He said if I moved in with him that the cat couldnt come. He didn't understand that after selling everything I had ever worked for, the cat was the one dear thing left with me. He said my mom would have to have it. 9. Money - he accounts for every single penny and puts it on what he calls the "organiser" which is an Excel Spreadsheet. 10. THere's no romance. 11. His TV programes are more important than me. When I have told him this I am told I am being "paranoid" and he wants to be able to watch TV knowing "i am there on the sofa next to him." 12. I was told on Friday night that "saying that bloke is fit," is OK because he has a sex addiction and i'm not allowed to say it because it makes him feel uncomfortable. I could go on and on and on and on. I dont feel loved, cared about or wanted. I feel second best in his life. He will try and get out of doing anything unless it's advantageous to him. I help him in his house so much and I dont get any offer of help back. When I say this, I am told that I am playing " * * * for tat," whereas to me, it's just being thoughtful ! I put so much into our relationship. I try and make him happy. I do what he wants, I try and put him before me ALL THE WHILE and I cant do it anymore. I feel like **** on his shoe and yet I STILL go running back. He makes me so unhappy. I have detatched my friends, given up smoking, (he didn't want a smoker as a boyfriend, yet if I want him to give up weed, OH NO ! That doesn't happen. I said I was going to replace joint with ciggarettes because I didn't want to be wrecked by weed in the week and I got told that that was not acceptable because "i couldnt be trusted to confine it to just the evenings.") I keep my family at a distance. My mind is never on my work, just on this awful feeling in my stomach and chest that I am with someone that treats me so badly, yet I cannot find the strength to leave. Everytime I do, I miss holding, cuddling, being with him and I dont know why because when I am, all I want to do is run miles and miles. When we split up, his immediate response is not to mourn the relationship but to get out there and create a profile on gay dating sites. This stumps me totally. Makes me feel even more worthless. 5 years and that's how you deal with it. He plays the victim all the time "my foot hurts, will you massage it, will you tickle my feet, can you get me a drink, i've got an itch will you scratch it, i've got stomach ache/headache/fingerache" and of course, I am there for him and I do it, even though my brain is screaming "for ****s sakes." A few weeks ago, well months, he had a bad bout of food poisoning. As he is diabetic (cant do his own injections, needs me to do them for him,) he was sent to hospital outpatients. I got a call in a panic, "i dont know where I am going, can you go on the net and see where I am supposed to go." Will you leave work and be with me as I am scared." etc. etc. I said I couldn't leave right away until my boss had come back from a meeting. When he did, he let me go and I went to the hospital. Sat with him for 2 or 3 hours, got him some magazines on the way in case he was going to be admitted. When it was diagnosed as food poisoning, I left to go home and I said I would meet him at his. Well, he was stuck there for a few more hours and I got a call on the way back saying "will you go to the supermarket and get me some soup ?" When I pointed out that he would be going past the supermarket on the way and I was trying to get a quick sleep cos I was stressed too, I got it laid on about "how ill he was and how uncaring I was." Well, I went anyway, feeling guilty for some unknown reason and when I go there, I was SCARED, ACTUALLY SCARED that I would pick the wrong type of soup. WHen I got back, he was like "how dare you try and make me stop off at the supermarket, i've been in hospital all afternoon, I'm ill." then i was told that I was uncaring for not leaving work immediately I knew to be with him !! I'm sorry but I have to protect my job and it wasn't life threatening. I was told that was a disgusting attitude to take and we split up for probably about the 30th time. I put so much in and get so little out, and I am always made to feel that i am not quite good enough. I Everytime I ask him to do something "can you get me a drink," then I get eyes rolled at me. I know some of these sound small and pathetic and they probably are but when they are all lumped together, it's a nightmare. He tells me he doesn't need to say please and thank you to me because that's not the way he has been bought up. ERM HELLO, basic social requirment surely ? Anyway, this afternoon, he's stormed off out the house back to his anyway because I raised an issue and he tried to turn it back on me. I refused to let him so "we have to be apart." So I said I'd go out and screw around, (something he did remember because he wasn't "happy,)" and I was told that if I did that his gaydar (dating site,) account would be "reopened within the hour." Whatever I try and say or do, he seems to have the upper hand. Despite all this, I am in love with him but I wish he would change and not be so "me me me." I wish he would send me romantic texts other than "get your sexy * * * in my bed." How about how much he loves me and appreciates me ? I've tried telling him and get told "yeah ok, I will," but he never does. FLowers - I have bought him more flowers. Period fact. I told him this today. All I got was "when did you last buy me flowers ?" Well, I dont know exactly when but I've done it loads. GOD AM I A TOTAL MUG ? I know it's all wrong but I don't know what to do about it. Please help. It's changed me so much and I don't like this person I have become - downtrodden, depressed, wanting to cry all the time. I just put on a brave face, hope it will get better, that tomorrow will bring a change. To top it all, his ex boyfriend still lives in his house. You would think they were still together. My boyfriend controls and speaks to his ex like **** and expects me to go along with it/not defend him. I am scared that if I say anything against what my boyfriend is saying, that I will get the wrap for it. I just agree and go "yes"or"no" even though inside I am screaming that "it's disgusting what's just happened." Oh and he's hit me 3 times. This was because it all just boils up inside me and it explodes in a rage. This rage is not physical in the sense that I try and hit him but I make threats like "if I was big enough, i'd floor you one," knowing full well that I couldn't. The latest time was at a poker game where I was playing with people I didn't know. I'm not that good, I'm just there for fun and if I did something wrong, he would pick it out in front of everyone. When I flew into a rage about that, I got punched. I was hitting inanimate objects (door/sofa arm) etc. I never used to be like that, I don't want to be like that. It's not me - he's changed my whole personality. On the plus side, what has he done for me that's good ? Well, the biggest thing is lending me money when I have needed it, (although it always was lending, never ever, "hey dont worry about that £20/$20") He has supported me though arguments with my parents about money and stuff. What else ? Not very much actually. I feel I am spinning all out of control. Please help me. Jamie.