StandtheRain

I received a text last night from her and a couple today. The one last night stated: Earlier today I received two from her - but this time it's a proposal on the situation (I cleaned up the messages slightly for easier understanding): What should I do? It almost seems like she accepted the fact that I won't have anything to do with her and will leave it alone (maybe?). Perhaps I should just give her the chance to say what she has to and go. But somehow, all this seems too familiar to me . The difference is that this time she appears to let me go my way. So possibly, it might be ok to agree to "discuss" things over (I am almost certain I won't fall back this time)? There are matters I would like to get off my chest and express to her also - this might be a good time to do it and leave everything once and for all. (Also thank you again, Lykke and Miss M, for sticking by me through all this )

Miss M, I'm trying really hard to not read any of she sends me (either via text or email) but I keep having the urge to read them - I'm not sure if it's just plain curiosity or something else.. I received a second email from her two days ago (I'll quote the main parts again and I roughly cleaned up some of the sentences so it would be more easily understood): I felt slightly bad after reading that, but it hit me that I shouldn't. I thought it seemed easier this time around to not have her make me feel guilty but I probably spoke too soon. That same day I received several texts from her (and I ended up responding once) [fixed some of her messages because it's even messier when it's through text]: Throughout all her messaging, I was tempted to answer her..I only gave in slightly when I finally said 'it was too late'. But I held back from saying anything more. I thought that the texting would end there (at least for the day) but a couple of minutes later I received a couple more: Then soon afterwards things started to become more desperate sounding (there was just some more "say something please" and etc. - similar to the above so I jumped ahead): The part about her mom made me feel really bad inside.. I feel like I should at least talk to her again but at the same time, I know I shouldn't. Am I really putting her through so much pain by not speaking to her? This final message made me worry a lot. I'm afraid she would end up doing something to herself if she becomes desperate - I don't know what to do; I mean I never intended for things to be like this on her.

I knew it - I had a feeling she would say something to me.. Just now she texted me saying (I edited some spelling so that it is more easily understood): Ugh I feel like I need to say something... I won't give in though - not this time.. If I end up saying anything, it would be to tell her it's too late and that everything is gone. All this sound so familiar and yet, part of me is getting pulled back...ugh, help me

@Lykke: You're right.. If I had not gone back with her I would've still been speculating about "what if" now. This actually happened the night before and yes, we're not talking. I had a feeling I would hear from her soon and just this morning, I received an e-mail from her (which I'll get to in a bit). I do feel slightly more enpowered to detach myself from her this time around but, at the same time, I keep beating myself with this "I-told-you-so" mentality because I ended up in a similar spot to where I started. @Miss M: Thank you for understanding so much but I still didn't mean to just stop posting like that. There are particular things my ex says to me that actually makes me sort of "self conscious" (if that's the correct term). For example, her saying that I always think I'm perfect makes me think that I don't blame myself enough for things and I hate feeling that way. I keep telling her that I'm far from perfect and that I'm not that great of a person - but every time we fight, she would ALWAYS make an effort to point that out; that I think I'm "so perfect". I can't stand it every time she says that. When you tell me all that, I know you mean what you say - however, at the same time, I have this feeling inside me that won't let me believe that (what you said, not you ). It's weird because I'm aware and conscious that I'm feeling this way and I know I shouldn't be, but I can't change the way I feel. I wish I could be as strong as you when it comes to saying "no" - I don't think I would've been able to turn away had she come to me when she lost her 'mother'. Maybe all this was unavoidable for me I do enjoy reading - thank you for the recommendations; I'll look into them as soon as I get the chance to. Oh as for the email I received, I'll quote parts of it: I doubt her pride would allow her to do so anyway I don't know how to take that.. Usually when she says/admits/etc. faults about herself, it makes me think that things would be different - or at least, it could be and it makes me want to believe her. However, this time around, my feelings towards it is somewhat different. It's like I don't even want to hear it because I know nothing's going to change (could this final NC between us have caused my thoughts to change?). My feelings on that seem to be torn between going with/agreeing with her and not allowing that to even happen. In the past, the whole "just friends" concept never worked out the way it should - so perhaps I should just leave this alone and ignore this email? Or maybe I should respond and tell her no and everything I'm feeling? Not sure what to do..

Hey everyone.. Sorry about not having responded in such a long time. I know I sort of left everything (about how my relationship was going) hanging the last time I posted. A lot of things went on and I'll try to sum up everything that happened. But first, I just wanted to thank you you two (Lykke and Miss M) for all the advice and support through the whole thing - I didn't mean to stop responding/posting so abruptly (sorry). First off, things had started out a little rocky after we began talking again. I still held a grudge against her and having me remind myself of everything she did did not help either. A couple of weeks roll by and things got a lot better. We were in good terms once again and our relationship went pretty smoothly. During that period, I questioned her again about her comment of coming over here to see me. From there, our conversation ended up with her really planning to come see me. A couple of weeks went by and her 'mom' (grandmother) got very ill and passed away. She was crushed by the whole situation and I could feel how much pain she was going through. I stayed with her on the phone most of the night because she could not sleep and was crying constantly. I tried my best to comfort her (though I doubted my words could really ease the pain she was going through) and be with her during that hard period. Time went on and "bumps" started to show up in our relationship - we started having fights here and there and thoughts of what she had done in the past started to go through my head again. We ended up having quite an argument a week or two before she was scheduled to fly here. However, the moment she arrived, everything was different. It was like all the negativity I had held towards her went away - everything between us seemed like it was new; like our relationship started fresh again. She stayed here for a couple of days and during that time, everything was great. When she left back home, our relationship went on fine for some time before small fights would show up again. They eventually built up and suddenly became more frequent. The fights got worse and my heart started to push part of my feelings for her out. Like before, all the small fights led up to a huge one. Everything seemed to revoke memories of what I had written about; everything she would do. She accused me of always thinking I'm "so perfect" and called me a "b*tch". She kept on saying how I didn't care about anyone but myself (the first "new" thing I've heard her use on me); that she didn't want to be with me anyway because she dislikes having to "ask" me for things (by which she meant drinking - since I don't like when she drinks excessively; she does it regardless of what I say so I don't understand why she brought that up) and so on. I was pissed off, to say the very least. The whole fight ended up to where it all started: we broke it off and I vowed to myself to never speak with her again. Why did this have to happen? Was I stupid to have believed she would change and to have given her another chance? If I had not gone back, would I have been able to turn my back on her when she went through what she did with her 'mom'? Did all this happen just so it could end up to where it started?...so I could learn my lesson maybe? I have no idea what to think now. I'll be more careful with my heart next time though it's hard to find someone else when you're not exactly "out". Perhaps, I'm just not meant to be with anyone

Lykke, Miss M's your mentor you've been talking so much about? It's good to finally meet the person who helped you that greatly. I really want to thank you for both of your help in this matter (and Miss M, thank you for having the patience to read through this whole topic). I feel bad, however, that I failed to keep my promise of not contacting my ex . I should give you an update on what's happened. The day after I told her that it was too late to try being friends, I received another (2) message from her: I responded (asking her the reason for saying that) and we ended up sort of talking again. Towards the end of the night, when I was about to go to bed, she told me she couldn't sleep. I asked her why and she answered saying that she was thinking and didn't feel good. I forgot how the conversation went after that but I ended up letting her call (since I told her I would not) me (and like I made clear) just this once. So we spent most of the night "chatting", though it was mainly her telling me what's been going on and etc. During our conversation, she apologized a couple of times for what she's done and that she missed me and hearing my voice. The times that she said she missed me, all I did was stay quiet. I know she must've expected me to say something in return because she responded to my quietness by saying, "I know you hate me and it's understandable.." She made a comment about how she was planning to come over here (as in the city) had I continued to ignore her. Startled, I asked, "You were?" This surprised me a bit because I had actually pictured a similar scenario happening (that all of a sudden she's going to show up). She said that she was seriously considering doing that because I kept in no contact from her for so long. She later went to tell me that she didn't really sleep with that guy - that she just couldn't do it; she said she was sorry for lying to me about it. I told her that I didn't really believe her when she told me anyway. She responded, "You didn't?" I answered saying, "Not exactly - it's not the first time you've said that to me." She then said, "Oh.." and stayed quiet for a while before apologizing again to me. Close to the end our conversation, she asked me if I am going to call her tomorrow. I told her that this would be the last time I did. With that, I could hear her whole voice change - she was near tears at that point. She then said, "You haven't even said you missed me once during this whole time.." I told her I was sorry and that I couldn't. After a couple of minutes she regained her composure - we talked for a few minutes before ending our conversation. For some reason, I ended up answering to her afterwards (that is, she messaged me and I agreed again). A couple of days after, she told me that she was [really] planning to come here in a couple of months. It shocked me - I did not expect her to say that and since I have seen her in a long, LONG time, the thought of being able to again..I don't know how to explain the feeling. When we talk now, everything seems to be fine (which scares me) - she even appears to not get upset as easily now - like things she would normally get bothered by, she doesn't anymore or it seems like she's controlling them (maybe it's just me?). I feel bad for letting you down Lykke I wasn't strong enough to hold out that long with her messages. I didn't want to be a bad person either and it felt like I was by not giving her a chance to speak/say what she had to. If she really didn't change (and it's just me imagining it), then I've fallen back to where I started - I wish this wasn't so difficult

(Sorry I haven't been able to respond - bah I've been so busy lately.. But I'll edit this post later to your responses. Just letting you know I'm still here )

Thank you Lykke - heh regardless of what you said, I still think you would've been stronger than how I was during this past month. I appreciate all the help and encouragement you've given me during this whole thing. But during that day, I went with how I was feeling at the moment and ended up contacting her...I really hope I didn't let you down (your votes counted though heh) . I messaged her telling her to say what she needed to say. Well, she practically poured her heart out telling me how sorry she was and that she know she's treated me badly. She told me that not having me around those weeks opened her eyes; that it made her realize how she was and that I was the "real deal" - how I stuck with her through good and bad times. She told me how she had too much pride and all those times she was jealous was because she still loved me (she's talking about the times she was when we weren't "together"). She said she missed telling me everything that went on with her life; that she wanted us to try and be friends again. When she said that, I asked her, "How many times have we tried already?" She responded by saying, "many times" but that she changed now; that's she different. I told asked, "How do I know that?" She answered saying that I wouldn't unless I try; to give her a chance. I didn't know what to do. She has never said anything like that to me before - things about changing and actually admitting her faults. In my heart I really wanted to forgive her for everything and, like she suggested, for us to be friends again (maybe more?). But, there was another part of me that kept remembering everything she did. I kept getting nagged by a sense of hope that what she said (about changing) really was true. But...the bad memories overwhelmed me at the moment...and I told her it was too late. I ended up turning my back to her pleas and now I'm tortured by this empty feeling inside. I told her that we will not speak again after that and left with a bye. Have I gone too far?.. Why do I feel so terrible? Did I ruin a chance for something to be different? Did I throw away what could've been? I feel...so incomplete. It's like being a runner in a marathon and suddenly just stopping midway and going home because I was tired. If I pushed myself, would I end up getting hurt? What if I don't and actually reach the finish line? I'm so confused.. (hopefully the metaphor didn't do the same to you) Yes, feelings are not easy and fun to deal with - which I'm exemplifying here..

You're right.. I do suspect that it's nothing serious - but at the same time I still feel bad being like this to her. I did remind myself of all the things she's done and it helped slightly (it also helped now that you stated all those things back to me too). I received another message from her earlier today - it made me feel even worse Ten minutes later: I feel like I should just let her say whatever and for me to get all this frustration off my chest at the same time (I want to be able to express how upset/hurt I am and etc.) Like you said, if any contact is made with her, it should, at the most, be through messages and texts - not phone calls right? I'm sorry, in advance, if I end up contacting her..I don't mean to let all my efforts (and your support) go to a waste. I don't like feeling all this guilt and pressure .. If I write to someone else what I wanted to say to her, I don't think it'll turn out well

Last night I was awoken by my cell ringing (around 12:45) - however I woke up while it was on its last ring. Half asleep and half conscious, I fumbled with my cell to see who it was from and noticed it was my ex. Ignoring it, I went back to sleep. Then, when I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message; it was from her: I had no idea what was going on - I tried to put her message in the back of my mind and go to sleep. Then, two minutes later: I felt a little worried and wasn't able to sleep for a while after reading her message. Then one more message came from her: I didn't know what to do; I wanted to call her back. But instead, I ignored her. I ignored her messages and tried going back to sleep. I received another call from her at 6am but I missed it. Did I do the right thing by ignoring her? Should I have called her back? I feel like I'm being so heartless and cold by doing this to her. Maybe I should message her today

Haha, you're telling me.. This is the longest I've stayed from speaking/contacting her. However something happened last night that might end this streak of mine (I'll explain in the next post). I have been thinking about all the things she've done to me and it does help. I think that (and the support of all those here) is what pushed me this far. Heh, I doubt I'll end up with anyone soon (or even at all now) - I think I've given up on that factor. That's an interesting idea - to do something for myself as opposed to doing something for her. But like you said, don't know how it's going to work on the cell The "shopping therapy" doesn't sound like a bad idea though haha. You're right - I guess that's why I feel so guilty. I'm really not used to ignoring her feelings especially the way I am now.. Need - yes, but not necessarily want.. I know it sounds stupid but it would hurt knowing she could just drop me that quickly but I know it's better that way. Ah, maybe our science fiction could change the way they see things eh? Thank you again for all your help!

Ok, she texted me again (twice) earlier - however, for some reason, I felt really compelled in answering her back this time (more than usual I suppose?). I don't know..if I do respond, I will be sure that it's strictly via texts/messages/etc. I think if I continue keeping this wall and aloof-communication between us, it'll help me handle and grasp the situation easier (hopefully..).

@Lauried - I do feel bad some times though about being "callous" to her and etc. There were times in the past where (a couple of days after a fight) she would ask me if I missed her or if I still care about her and etc. I have had such a hard time answering those questions and when I hestitated, her whole mood/tone would change to being really depressed and down - responding with an, "It's ok..", "I understand..", and/or "You don't have to say it..I'm going to go now.." I always panic and end up saying very quickly, "No, I do." (in which she would respond she did too - then the whole thing started back at one) - then I kick myself for giving in every time. What I really wanted to say to her all those times (of frustration and anger) was, "After what you've done/said? I don't miss any of that and why would I care about someone who hurt me the way you did? To the very extent, I care about you as a friend - and not even a close one." Well, about taking care of my own needs first, I'm working on being selfish I'm always worried I'm making it sound like I'm this perfect person (like what my ex has said to me on multiple occasions). She's done all these things to me and every time I point them out, I feel so guilty - I don't know why I feel that way. I mean, I've never done half of the things she's done and yet, I feel like I should take the blame for something I think..if I do not greatly provoke her in any way, she would not bring up the threat again. I have not spoken or contacted her in close to 3 weeks (doing better than I have expected), which is the longest I've managed to do. I don't think I'm ready to come out to my parents - I've thought about it many times but all I see myself doing is hurting them in the end (it's more than just a taboo in my culture/family). I don't want the rest of my family (word gets around really quickly regardless of the intention) to look down on my parents or to ostracize them (and/or me). Maybe in the future I might..not any time soon though I don't think Thank you though - I appreciate your advice and support.

Lykke, I held myself back and didn't answer the message (though curiosity does make me wonder what she would've said to me). Haha you really are too understanding for me to get used to quickly - giving me credit for even considering not responding to her message. Perhaps those "losers" never do change..but it makes me wonder if they really have felt something/anything for people they've been with. Do they realize what they do and not care or is it something only someone from the outside can see? Bah, I should stop thinking about these things - it's only building up false hope for me. Heh, well we could dedicate our science fiction to them afterwards. I do have trouble dealing my own problems while, for others, I could just pour out advice and "analytical comments" and not realize I'm in the same situation (I thought about the same thing you did too - thinking I could handle it). Be selfish and see things from a distance - got it; I say we're doing pretty well don't you think? I'm afraid of trying the "boring tactic" again lest she gets upset at me and the whole cycle starts over. But I could give it one more attempt and see how things go - possibly without any phone conversations like you said. Thanks again for all your help!

Well she called me lastnight - I was busy at that moment so I couldn't get to the phone in time (which actually rung continuously until the voice mail kicked in). When I went to check whose call I missed and found out it was her, I ignored it. I went to take a shower shortly after and while I was in the bathroom, I heard my cell ring again. When I was done, I went to check on my phone and there was a message from her saying: That whole dire-sounding tone and made me curious about what she needed to say. I'm tempted to find out.. But perhaps making contact with her again would be a bad choice?