Yowser_76

I guess you guys are right. I need to accept that I mean nothing to him anymore and never will again. We'll never be friends. Thanks for taking time to reply.

Wow, I've been crying since I read that. Everything you said made so much sense to me. Maybe this isn't about him, I don't know. I just know that the thought of him never being in my life again makes me so sad. I do wish things were better between us, that we could be friends. He was my support system and a comfort for so long and I thought he'd always be part of my life in some form. And I think that if things were better I'd at least be able to believe he didn't mean all the things he said to me. I guess if he was actually capable of being my friend I'd know I'm not so worthless after all.

Thank you for your thoughts. First, I don't think he and I will ever be together again. We're both seeing other people. But I do think that there will always be a part of me that loves him. He was a huge part of my life for a long time and we were very close. Also, he did not say that he wants me out of his life and he said that he DOES care about me and wants to be my friend. What he said was that he didn't know if he could handle just being my friend. He also asked for my email address so we can stay in touch when he goes overseas and has spoken several times of us being friends when he gets back. I also know that at the end of the day this isn't my problem or my business and believe me I will let him go. This is what he has to do and I accept that. But to me he seems pretty messed up. I do care deeply, and I don't want to see him get hurt. Maybe that makes me stupid but I can't help it...that's who I am.

LMAO! You're probably right and believe me you're not the only person who's said it. I'm sorry, I actually feel pretty stupid for even posting about this. I guess I'm just trying to get things clear in my head. I don't know if he's really messed up or if he's turned into the world's biggest scumbag. I'm stumped

Unfortunately, It's yes to all of the above. I was his doormat for a long time before I found the strength to get away from him. I'm not proud of it. I also know I shouldn't care about him at all after the way he treated me but I do. We were together for a long time and he was never like this before.

I have a question for you all about my ex's recent behaviour? I'm completely baffled. To give you a brief history I was with my ex for four years, we lived together and I loved him deeply. We broke up about eighteen months ago (it was fairly mutual) and agreed to stay friends. Things were ok at first but after a while my ex started to change. He'd do things like make plans with me then just not show up or call. When I'd question him he'd get angry say nasty things. It eventually reached the point where he became emotionally abusive...no matter what I did he was just cruel to me. Especially if I pushed at all. He'd tell me things like how worthless I was, and he was embarrassed to be seen with me etc. It was pretty obvious that he thought I was trying to pressure him into getting back together even though that wasn't my intention. Needless to say the impact of all this on me was devastating, and eventually I hit rock bottom and we cut contact. We've barely spoken or seen each other since November. He started seeing someone else in about August...I didn't know about it for a while even though we were still sleeping together. She was here for a while but is actually from Scotland. They're still together but so far she's broken up with him twice. His friends don't like her, they think she treats him like crap and say that all they do is fight. So needless to say I was pretty stunned when I found out that he is now moving to Scotland with her for a year. He's selling the house we shared, his car, giving up his job...everything. I thought about things for a while and realised that I do still care about him deeply and that I truly wished we could be friends. I missed having contact with him. I was also worried about him because even though he has a lot of mates he doesn't have a lot of true friends. He's about to do something huge with his life and I wanted him to know that I would be here for him if he ever needed a friend. So, I went and saw him and told him that I wished things were different and that I hoped we could patch up our friendship a bit before he left. He told me he needed time to think and I agreed. Fast forward a week and unexpectedly my ex turns up on my doorstep at 9am. He'd been out drinking all night and said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he misses me and cares about me but doesn't think we can be friends cos he can't stop thinking about me sexually, even when she's around. He kept telling me how much in love he is with his new girlfriend and he said that he knows if I'm around he'll end up cheating on her. He also said that she hates me because she knows that I'm a weakness for him. It was so weird!! One minute he'd be telling me how much he loves her and the next he'd be saying that he can't stop thinking about me. He even went as far as to say that he thinks things will be better when they're in Scotland because when he's here he knows I'm not far away, but once he's there we'll be in different countries I also noticed that every time he mentioned her name he'd follow it up with "I love her so much", and after a while I began to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself? That was a week ago and even though we agreed to talk this week I haven't seen him and every time I've contacted him he's told me he's too busy. I'm not in love with this guy right now, although I can't rule out ever wanting to be with him again, but I do care about him deeply. I don't understand what's going on with him at all and I'm worried that he's going to go chasing after this girl and end up losing everything. Can anyone offer any insight on what they think is happening here? Please, I'd really appreciate any opinions.

Well here I am again. I don't know what came over me the other night...I'd been out with a friend and when I got home it was like this huge wave of emotion just hit me. I sat here sobbing and finally came back here looking for help. You guys helped me make it through the night and I thank you for that. I don't understand why I've felt the way I have lately. There's no reason for it. The problems in my life aren't as bad as what some people go through. I have a lot of things I should feel grateful for. I should be moving on, but most of the time I'm full of despair and feel completely helpless. I don't understand why I'm still so lost or why I can't let go of my ex and the things he did to me. I also wanted to ask is if anyone here has ever been treated for depression? I've been thinking about a bit lately, trying to understand why I feel the way I do. I searched on the net for info and even took a few of those online depression tests. The results of every single one of them came back saying I showed the symptoms of severe depression and should see a doctor. I'm a bit scared though, I don't know what it involves and I don't want to be put on a heap of medication or anything. Does anyone know anything about this and if you do, do you think it might help me?

Wow, by the time I replied to one post I had so many more. Thank you all so much for your thought and kind words. Even just getting this little bit off my chest has made me feel better. I'm trying to focus on doing things for myself. I think what I really need is a new beginning. I've applied for a new job and if I don't get that then I'm considering travelling for a while. I've also being someone else very casually but all the issues I have from my ex are still so fresh. I'm afraid of being hurt and I don't want him to know how messed up I am. I guess I have such a low opinion of myself that I can't see the positive side of things right now. My mum bailed my sister out again. Now we just have to wait for the court case to come along and see what happens. It is really hard for me because I know what I went through with my mums gambling. I 'd wake up to find that we had no power or water, or there were debt collectors calling the house. To see my niece going through all this and to not be able to do anything to protect her is heartbreaking for me. She's a good kid and doesn't deserve this. As for my ex, the only comfort I have is that he's the only person I know who's more messed up than I am. While I've been trying to work through my issues and be happy with myself, he's rebounded spectacularly. He met a girl from Scotland, they've been seeing each other for about six months during which time she's dumped him twice and they've fought almost non stop. Despite this he's decided to move overseas with her...he's selling the house we shared, his car, everything. Even the few friends he still has don't understand what's going on with him. I do still care about him deeply, even to the point where I can forgive him for what he put me through. And I can't deny that if he ever needed my help then I would be here for him. But I must admit there's a big part of me hoping that the old saying "what goes around comes around" is true in this case. I can now say that I truly feel for anybody who says they feel lost, or is going through any kind of heartache. I didn't know how overwhelming despair could be until now.

Thank you for replying so quickly You know, maybe this is wrong of me but I don't really feel sorry for my sister at all. She's had so many opportunities for help the last few years and she's rejected all of them. She's taken my whole family for granted and abused their trust so badly. I do worry about her mental state though - if she were to do something to herself I don't know how my mum, in particular would cope. The real problem I have here is my niece. She counts on me, comes to me for advice and strength. But at the moment I'm having a hard time looking after myself so I don't know what good I can be for her. I am taking things one day at a time, and honestly some days I feel almost normal. But this has been going on for about six months and still I mostly feel lost. It seems like I've had to be strong for so long...I don't remember the last time I felt truly happy. My friends keep telling me to just think about me, and to do stuff for myself but to be honest I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I don't know where to begin.

I haven't been here in a while, I think I've been trying to take everything on board myself and convince myself that I'm ok. But I'm not. The last eighteen months or so have been incredibly tough on me. My relationship of four years ended. I loved my ex deeply and even though I was hurt I was ok with it. The mistake I made was caring so much that I tried to be his friend. He couldnt handle it and became emotionally abusive. I can't tell you how many times I've heard things like "you're worthless", or "You're nothing but a hassle to me". But then he'd come back and apologise and tell me that I was the best person he knew and how much he cared. Even though he'd admit that the problem was with him, hearing those things continually eventually broke me down. I started to believe the things he said to me. I'm a strong person but all those horrible l things are in my heart now and I don't know how to overcome them. I truly feel worthless a lot of the time. On top of that I've had huge family issues to deal with. My mum and sister both have serious gambling problems. I helped my mum get through hers and recover but unfortunately my sister won't admit she has a problem. She has a nineteen year old daughter and over the years she's done things like pawn off her possessions, steal money from her piggy bank...she even took out a credit card in her name. It all reached it's climax this last weekend when my sister was arrested for stealing $11,000 from her work. I got the news from my niece who was curled up in a ball sobbing hysterically on the floor. I've always been the strong one and now my family needs me but I don't know if I can do it anymore. How can I keep being strong? I don't think I've ever felt so lost. I'll be fine for a while, even a couple of weeks, but then everything seems to crash down around me again and I end up just sitting here sobbing. I know there are a lot of people who care about me and that I should be grateful for the good things in my life but I just can't seem to get past this despair. I feel like I'm in this huge hole and I can't climb out of it. It's overwhelming me and I don't know what to do anymore. How do I feel good about myself and my life again when deep down I feel worthless and so completely alone? How do I keep going on like this? Somebody please help me.

Good for you Echo. I'm glad that you're doing better and the hurt is fading. The worst is over and I'm sure good things are coming your way. I also want to thank you for all the advice and support you've given me. As hard as everything has been, being able to come here and talk has made it that much easier. Well said! I know that I, (and I'm sure many others here), am absolutely dreading the holiday season. It's going to be tough. But with so much support here and from our loved ones we'll ALL make it through together. Before we know it it'll be a brand new year...a time for new beginnings

I feel a bit better today. The pity party is over! Echo, I think you're right...I DO need to do stuff for me for a change. I haven't come first for a long time now. I'm not just talking about my ex either. My family have had some pretty major issues over the last few years and I've spent a lot of time trying to deal with those. When I look at things now, I think I spent so much time worrying and trying to take care of everyone else that it just became habit. I forgot to take care of myself at all, and the sad thing is I don't think I even remember how anymore. But I do think you're advice is a great way to start. Thank you. Now that I've calmed down a bit I've started to think more and more about the advice that Polaris gave me, and you too Echo. I've talked to close friends and they tell me the same thing as you guys...that the only thing left for me to do is cut him out of my life, at least for a while. I've been so afraid to do exactly this for so long, so terrified that it will only drive him further away. But the thing is, I think he knows it. He doesn't believe me at all when I try to say goodbye, he doesn't pay any attention when I tell him he treats me badly, he KNOWS I'll always forgive him. But I don't want to hurt anymore. I want his respect and kindness - in fact, I think I deserve it. I guess it's time for me to stand tall and do what I have to in order to gain his respect. My friends and family think that me cutting him out will really rattle him! They say I'm like his security blanket...he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll still be here if and when his life turns to s**t. I truly don't know. But I don't think I have anything to lose anymore, only everything to gain. [-o

Well, I sure threw myself a BIG old pity party today I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach and my heart feeling so unbelievably heavy. I managed to hold it together most of the day but as soon as I walked out of workes out of work I burst into tears. I feel like I did SO much for this man. I tried so hard to make him happy, to take care of him and always to make things better between us. I've even done it since we've broken up. And does he appreciate any of it? Obviously not. It hurts like hell to know that after everything I've done for him he doesn't care about me at all...he probably never will. At the moment I don't know where to begin. I've lost myself so much through all of this...I have no idea how to find myself again. And at the moment it's overwhelming. I feel like every time I take two steps forward something happens and I take ten back again. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, and I'm trying, but I feel like every day is a fight. I've felt that way for a LONG time now. As for my ex, well I honestly don't know. I feel like I've been doing the right thing; giving us both space and trying to do my own thing. But it's still not enough for him...it never is. He still doesn't want me in his life and the things he said yesterday were still horrible and hurtful. AND he only contacted me because he wanted something from me. Everyone's telling me the same thing and I think you're all right...I have to walk away. Somehow I have to find that strength inside myself. I just never wanted it to get to this stage...I though he would ALWAYS be in my life in some form. I wish so badly that I still meant something to him...that he would just treat me with the kindness and respect I deserve. I was happy to do NC, to just look after myself for a while and give us both some much needed space. But I never thought this would be goodbye forever.

Yeah, I know you're probably right....at the moment I'm just his doormat. But it seems so mean to me...is that silly? I'm not really good at being mean. I'm so tired of fighting and nastiness. Plus, I'm not great at standing up to him right now. I don't know if it's just because my self confidence is gone or because I care about him too much. I'm still at the stage where I'm afraid of losing him from my life forever. I don't really want to change my number, as I have a lot of other friends, who only have that number if they're trying to contact me. I guess I just need to toughen up and not answer if he texts or calls me. I hope I can be that strong. Even though I know it's for the best it's still hard

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with this one He needs to sow his wild oats and he does it with HOOKERS??!!! To put it bluntly...this guy is a tool. He obviously has no respect for your feelings or potentially your health. He thinks it's ok to just do whatever he wants, sleep with whoever he wants, and then just get back together with you like nothing ever happened? Er, I don't think so! To be honest, I seriously doubt that you can put this behind you and just take this guy back. I know I couldn't!! I mean do you honestly think you can just forgive him and trust him again after all this? I seriously doubt it. You sound pretty level headed and I'm sure that in time you'll realise you have too much self respect to put up with this rubbish! You deserve better

Annie24 - BIG HUGS in return!! It's always good to meet a fellow Buffy fan...obviously you're a woman with excellent taste http://Sorry, he sounds like an insenstive clod. Why do you want him back? LMAO!!! Well said! Honestly, I don't know the answer to that myself right now. I guess mostly I just miss him. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

Thanks Echo. I am feeling better now that the initial shock and hurt has passed a bit. Plus, it's amazing how therapeutic it is to post on this board and get such wonderful support and advice in return I have a bit of an update. I ended up messaging my ex again after a few hours. I apologised for pushing him and explained that this whole situation is hard for me. I said that I felt like I'd been trying to do the right thing by giving us both space but that it still didn't seem to be enough for him as he still can't give me any indication of where I stand or how he feels. I said that I still wanted to be friends but that I was going to leave him alone again. Needless to say he didn't answer. So after much crying and talking to friends and family I think I've finally figured out what I need to do. The next time he contacts me, (I'm sure he will), I'm simply going to ask him not to contact me again unless he actually wants to be my friend and cares about having me in his life. No more stuffing around!!! I think this the only way that - 1) I'm ever going to get over him, 2) I'm ever going to get through to him that he can't keep treating me this way. I'm not his doormat. 3) I'll ever find out if he actually cares about me at all. What do you think guys? Good plan? I hope so cos it's the only one I have right now...my brain's kinda mushy

AMEN TO THAT!!! I can honestly say this is the hardest and most hurtful thing I've been through. To think that my ex doesn't even miss me and doesn't want to see me after nearly five years together is heartbreaking. I pray that it will get easier and that one day he'll realise what he's lost. [-o

NatalieJulie, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through all this. I've read a lot of your posts and I know you've helped me and a lot of other people on this board. I can say with total certainty that you deserve better. I know what it's like to be around someone who's verbally abusive. My ex used to lash out at me. He'd say terrible, cruel things and then apologise or twist it around so I'd believe it was my fault or I somehow deserved it. I think those things have been the most damaging for me. It's been the hardest thing to get over because it's destroyed my self worth. You know what they say - 'when someone puts you down often enough, you start to believe it'. It seems to me like your man is holding back a bit...maybe he's scared of fully commiting yet? You guys have been through a lot, it's probably going to take some time before you're both completely comfortable or feel secure again. I'd hang in there for a while and see how things go. But DO be careful of his temper. Verbal abuse is so damaging and you don't deserve it at all. That's something he needs to work out. The thing you need to remember is that YOU have come so far. You're a better, stronger person now than you were before, and you've done everything you can to make this relationship better than before. Your man should be proud to have you by his side...not many people would have made the effort you have to change yourself. If he can't control his abusive tendencies then I think you now know that you have the strength to let him go. Good luck girl, I hope everything works out for you. We're all here for you no matter what.

Thank you Polaris. What you said makes A LOT of sense. I started NC for a lot of reasons...mostly I thought it was what we both needed, at least for a while. I knew that I needed time to heal and I wanted him to think about how he'd treated me. We'd been fighting a lot, and although I'm willing to accept my share of responsibility, he did get very nasty and said a lot of things that hurt me deeply. Although I did want NC for myself and have been trying to use it for that, I guess I also hoped it would give him a chance to miss me and figure out if he wanted me in his life. For the past few weeks I've just been trying to find my feet again. My confidence is at rock bottom and I'm just trying to feel good about myself again. It's been hard, I can't lie. I've only gotten by with great support from my friends and family. I've been through every emotion under the sun...somedays are good...others unbearable. When I said I felt like I was getting nowhere, I just meant that things are still so hard for me. I still miss him a lot, and am having trouble figuring out what I need to make me happy. I don't feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I think I lost myself so much and I don't know how to find myself again. You're not the only person who's commented on his lack of respect for me. I'll admit my first reaction when he messaged me was anger. I couldn't believe that after everything he had the nerve to just ask to borrow my dvds. It does upset me...I don't want to be his doormat anymore but I don't know how to regain his respect and get him to treat me the way I deserve. Do you think NC will do that? I worry that all it will do is make him think I hate him and drive him further away. I'm really confused about what's right. I don't really know how I feel about him anymore...I don't think I'm in love with him but I do care deeply. I also wish I had some idea of how he feels about me. Deep down I believe he still really cares about me but maybe I'm just crazy. What I would like now with him, what I think I've always wanted, is a fresh start. I'd love to have him in my life...for us to be friends. If it leads to more one day then great...if not, at least we'd be friends. The one thing I never wanted was to lose him from my life completely.

Hey everyone, I haven't been here much the last couple of weeks…I've been so busy with work and trying to find a new place to live. But now I'm back and more confused than ever. For anyone who hasn't read my story before it's here. link removed Anyway, nearly two weeks ago my ex sent me several texts after what had been over 3 weeks of NC. To be honest a lot of it was him saying he missed having sex with me and how no-one turned him on like me, blah blah, blah. I didn't say much or ask why he was talking to me about sex when he has a new girlfriend But he did say he'd been thinking a lot about me, (which I took to be a good sign), and that he'd call me soon. So today he messaged me again. This is pretty much the entire conversation – HIM – "Hi, how are you going? I was just wondering if it would be ok to borrow all your Buffy and Angel dvds so I can burn them? I have just missed watching them. It will only be for a few days." ME – "Well when you're willing to be a part of my life and actually be my friend again then we can talk about borrowing my stuff. We've barely even spoken for two months." HIM – "Ok sorry" ME – "Is that unreasonable? I mean you've made it pretty obvious you don't want me in your life right now". HIM – "Fair enough. I just think for the time being it's best we don't see each other much". ME – "So you don't want me in your life anymore?" HIM – "Not at the moment. Not like we used to be at least." ME – "What do you mean? I'm only talking about us being friends. Do you not miss my friendship at all?" HIM – "Yes I do, but at the moment I'm happy with my life and don't want to see you that much. Sorry." ME – "I haven't asked to see you that much. In fact I haven't asked to see you or contacted you at all. But I thought that after everything we've been through my friendship would at least still mean something to you." HIM – "You do. That's why I can't see you at the moment." ME – "I'm sorry I don't understand. I've been trying to do the right thing and give us space. But I do miss your friendship. This has been hard on me…I never thought it would be forever." HIM – "It's not forever. Just til I am ready. Sorry." ME – "I just need to ask…do you still hate me? Is that why you still don't want me in your life. I don't understand what's going on here." HIM – "I don't hate you at all." ME – "Do you need time to figure out how you feel about me? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be pushy, I'm just confused and trying to understand things." That was a couple of hours ago and he hasn't answered me again. I'm so confused and upset. I can't stop crying and I can't make sense of anything. He's happy with his life and he doesn't want to see me…but at the same time he doesn't want to see me because I matter to him? He needs time for what? One friend told me that "it's too hard for him to deal with seeing you at the moment. He wants to wait until he's completely over you and has NO feelings for you before he can be your friend. At the moment he's focusing on his new life and girlfriend and is determined to put you behind him." Another told me that "he's obviously confused and doesn't know what he wants or how he feels." I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried so hard to do the right thing…to focus on myself and not contact him at all, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Please, can anyone else help me make sense of all this.

Well, here I am again. I guess writing here, even if no-one replies, is therapeutic. I'm well into week 3 of NC and it's still hard. Last week was the low point for me. I think the reality of everything finally hit me and to be honest, it was like being hit by a truck. My whole world caved in on me. All I could think about was all the things I'd done wrong to drive him away, how much he hates me and that I'll never hear from him again. I was a mess. This week I'm doing a bit better. I'm still down and it's still hard but I've started to rememeber that it isn't all my fault. While I acted badly, sending a LOT of lessages and trying so hard, he acted badly too. At times he was downright cruel and nasty, and I didn't always deserve it. In fact before our last fight when he told me he hates me, I hadn't had any contact with him for ten days. I know it can't be up to me to try and make things right anymore. I'm still worried though...I can't help it. I know I need time to heal, but I also know that in time I'll be able to put all this behind me. I'm a very forgiving person. After everything that's happened my ex still means a lot to me...I will never hate him. God knows, it would be easier if I did, but I can't. I'd like to think that one day down the track he and I will be able to have a fresh start, to be friends or whatever it leads to. But I worry that HE DOES hate me, that he'll never forgive me and I'll never hear from him again. After being so close to someone for five years, that's a pretty awful thought. I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I agree with Rebel...you shouldn't have to help her. It seems like she wants you to say you want her back, but she's got the other guy there in case you don't. She has to decide for herself what she wants to do. Plus, if she makes the decision for herself and does come back to you, you'll know she really WANTS to be with you. Good luck

I'm sorry sweet...I hope you're ok. Make sure you look after yourself, a concussion isn't something to be taken too lightly. Don't panic too much about your man. I've freaked out before when my man has been MIA but usually it's just from my overactive imaginaion. I'm sure he's just been caught up with something and will call as soon as he can. In the meantime, try to relax and take it easy. Even though you and your friends are ok, being in an accident is a big shock and really stressful. It's going to take you a bit of time to recover. Remember there are LOTS of people here for you and we all want to know that you're ok. [-o

I've hit the floor again today. I feel so sad. I had bad dreams about my ex last night. He was yelling at me, telling me how much he hates me...he even threw things at me. It brought back all the terrible things he said and it's really shaken me up. I woke up with a awful hollow feeling inside me and it won't go away. I just want to cry. It's been nearly three weeks and still no word. People keep telling me that in time he'll work things out in his head and I'll hear from him, but I don't know. I'm starting to give up. He used to say he wanted me in his life forever...that I was the best person he knew. Now it seems he's just happy to be rid of me. I want to be positive but I have NO IDEA what he even thinks or feels about me. I hate this