ld25

Hi Clan, We all hope u r feeling much better now, and everyday will be a better day if u hang on...I can understand the pain you are going thro' but the only way round to heal the pain is to show your dad that you can be a confident, independent & successful young man in a few years time. I have had friends who's dad hated them most, but who have also turned around to the son when he was successful. Someone here already mentioned that may be ur dad is hurt..n...that's why he's hurtful....Think abt ur mom...isnt she great...she'll always love you..no matter what..whether ur dad dislikes u or even if the whole world dislikes u...so remember that...u've someone who loves u so much, cares for u so much and has all her hopes in you. Dont let her down!!! Self harm / suicide might seem the easiest option when u r in pain...but it will do more harm if by chance u escape death. I have tried it before and failed and even now i've been having the side effects and I regret for having tried that in the first place. Believe in yourself Clan, have faith....and definitely things will change...every single day, every single hour will be better than before....you only have to hang on....live to see that it gets better... One little suggestion, fight back the bully....dont stand it....dont tolerate it...get them revealed to ur school authorities, get it reported as they deserve to be punished for pushing anyone to the extremes of endangering their lives...(Remember, you will be doing someone else good if you fight this back...also, u'll feel confident/courageous...). If you dont feel you can handle these, share these with your mom...she'll definitely help you... Best Wishes, LD

Dear Minty, First thing I want to let you know that the title very few or no emotions doesn't actually seem to be appropriate in your case. I find you a very sensible and emotional person just like anyone of us. To be quite honest, your guards are up because you are sensitive and emotional and never want to get hurt badly..and that's why you don't want to let it down most of the times.. I am glad that you are able to talk at an emotional level with your boy friend..this would help you to nurture that confidence to trust that people are responsive to your needs and you can at times let your guard a bit down to feel more comfortable and share the emotional part of you. Also, I wonder if there is another part of you that is holding back from being emotional..Honestly, I want to know if you are thinking that crying or worrying is not a good thing to do..and if you wish to be emotionally a more stronger person. B'cos I've felt likewise most of the times..I do not wish to cry even for serious things b'cos I am confident (assume to be) that I can handle it and that I am a stronger person...But what I actually do is not cry and then carry around the stress and agony with me forever...Infact it would have been much better and easier if I had cried over it and then felt that I was just a normal person. This would have enabled me to live the rest of my life normally too.. But sometimes we pretend to ourselves that we are stronger and then when we are not confident of our strength anymore we give up and end up feeling low and depressed... So it would be more appropriate if you felt angry, disappointed, hurt that your best friend and ex- husband cheated on you. You should realise the fact that just because you knew her since your childhood doesn't mean that you still have to like her, love her and care for her the same way u used to. B'cos she's no more the same, the situation is neither...so it would be more appropriate to recollect your sweet memories without her face in it. If you are going to stop feeling happy b'cos of what others have done to you, then you are cheating yourself. I would ask you to be more selfish and treat yourself with the best feelings that you have for others. Value yourself more than anyone else. Talk to people who care for you and the ones that you trust. Open up slowly to your close ones...(Sometimes, I feel more comfortable opening to family rather than friends...). You decide how telling others or crying over it would help you be just a normal person. After all, we are humans, we have heart, we have feelings, we have happy moments and sorrowful moments....we are the ones who can differentiate it and act accordingly... Feel sad when u r sorrowful Cry when u want to cry Then u will laugh when u r happy This proves anyone- u or me are normal... Hope this helps.. Regards, LD

Hi Georgia, I think you are making assumptions that this ex- of your husband still has feelings related to past. You have heard that she's jealous etc., which may be true or even may not be the case. Imagine the scenario, she too might be feeling nervous to meet up with you and be part of that group. Atleast that she knows that you are having a happy life with someone that she had feelings for, might make her feel even more uncomfortable. But it doesn't necessarily mean that she's jealous or still has raw feelings and wouldn't be your friend or acquaintance. Since you have your husband's love and affection and you are more emotionally aware of the situations, may be you could just try to carry on being in the group. You do not have to stop going out with your friends for this sake. Believe that you can face the situation and just do it. If she's being unfriendly or mean in anyway, then probably you can ignore her and stick to your other friends in the group. The best way to overcome being uncomfortable would be to be the best of yourself. By this I mean, being very friendly, helpful, warm, kind and just ignoring the fact that she was your husband's ex and still treating her as one of the other group members. By this you can overcome any kind of hatred or ill-feeling etc., (even if she has). I feel that jealousy creeps in when two people are in the same state/level. thereforeeee by being the best of yourself, you enhance your state to a higher level. The other person would be aware that you are at a higher state than them and this would stop them making comparisons or feeling jealousy... Hope it helps.. Best Wishes, LD

Dear Star, I don't know much about this kind of situation or pregnancy, but one thing I can assure is that you won't feel those kind of symptoms - dizziness, feeling sick etc., immediately. It might take couple of weeks or atleast months to feel this sort of thing. (Well, this is the knowledge from the science that I learnt). So, don't worry too much about it. Try to think about how you can check this out so that you can find the actual fact. I suppose you could go to your health service and talk to them about it. The nurses and doctors might be able to understand the situation and offer you valuable and appropriate advice. That would be one of the best options. May be you are just too nervous about the whole thing and you relate the tiredness etc., to your friend's assumption. If you are too worried about speaking to others as of now, you can wait couple more days and find it out yourself. You will be fine...don't panic. If you would feel better speaking to your sister or anyone at your home, try to. But if you are not comfortable about it, you can seek help from your health services. Your boyfriend might be nervous about the situation too. But he'll surely understand that you are feeling the same. Take charge and remain calm. Be optimistic...what you are fearing could just be a fear..it may not be the fact. Best Wishes, LD

Dear Coolchick, I am going to answer ur question first...and then abt my life to justify my statements.. "Has anyone ever gone through this before then found someone else that they've managed to love or possibly even more than their ex?" YES...I HAVE...Trust me...It's more wonderful feeling when u know that the other person values u and respects u for whatever u r and treats ur love for them with importance and dignity...and loves u...Its more wonderful coolchick...I know its hard for u to believe me ...but just TRUST ME for the moment...You are going to be fine.. You will definitely find a much worthier and deserving person...Let go of this guy...don't hang on...cut off all ur hopes and move on... I was exactly you two years ago.....My ex didn't give me an explanation (we had an argument...etc..) and left me after a 5 years relationship whilst all I knew was him and nothing else...and no other soul to share my feelings to. I lived everyday with the hope that he would ring me, would care for me and he's going thro' the same feelings as me and always trusted that he loved me more than I loved him...Its all bullsh*t..Trust me...When u have that kind of feeling...u r wrong...its always the other way around and i learnt it the hard way...B'cos he never called me nor returned my calls...and never bothered to know anything abt me while he enjoyed his life away from me....and lived his life without any guilt of leaving me still hanging on... He said..we will part...we will live apart and see how things are going on after 2-3 months..and if we still think we love each other and can't live without one another....then we can be back etc., Trust me dear, I hoped that was the case...but it wasn't...I waited for 3 months...he said...6 months...6 months...passed...nothing...i waited and waited....in vain and ever-lasting hope...But discovered eventually he was into a new relationship etc., and then I felt very hurt and wounded and my heart shattered... I disconnected my contacts with him...Just one step at a time...I changed my number, address and didn't give those to him...I stopped calling him too...Finally after 1 year and 6 months..he sent me an email saying that we should forget abt the past and try to be friends...I just laughed at it and said to myself.."I am much better off now without you" b'cos if we r going to be friends and suppose we start it all over again...and even if we marry and settle down...I will always be living with a constant fear that he mite walk away from me one day and that fear would make me more obssessive, possessive etc., and I don't want to ruin my life...(as quite honestly...u won't be able to 100% optimistic on these kind of guys..)...So I simply didn't respond as I know that it was not the right time to see him or be friend with him...(even if that was his true intention..it was not right for me...as I still loved him...)..so I just contained my feelings and let him go...in the road that he chose.. I would sincerely advice you to let this guy go...b'cos u can't stop a person if they've decided to go...May be dear..u could try to stop him today, but what abt tomm, the day after....u will be trying to be ur best to give him all that he wants to stop him from walking away from u...But look lady, he's decided...let him go... You will meet someone who values u and appreciates u...And remember that can happen only if u let go of this guy and finish with it...and live for urself and be cheerful...then u'll realise...how worthy you are.. DG..in this forum..quoted "Never let anyone go as far as being responsible for your own happiness."...This is very true...and please try to stick to this ... Hope u find urself soon enough...(it took me two years to figure out...) I didn't know abt this forum before...U r lucky....we r here to help u in this transition.... If at all..u need anything...pls...p.m me.. Best Wishes, LD

Well Kelley, I think u should calm down and relax that the cat is out of the bag now..im sure u would be relieved soon....one way or the other...there's no point waiting with uncertainity... It's a good thing that this has happened....may be u can test the waters to see if he has read...if he has read it..im sure..his attitude and behaviour would slightly alter and if it's positive then u would know the result straight away... However, if he hasn't read it...and is too inquisitive abt it....u can just hint him saying that was a personal note abt someone who u liked very much...and if he's interested he would enquire more abt it and u can decide how much to let him know at that point... I would suggest...not to use the 'joke excuse'....u could save that for a rainy day...if things go out of control...atleast u could use that... Goodluck, LD

Hi DG, Don't worry abt replying to my previous post...I had read ur "Methods to get back ex-" and it makes lot of sense and it has opened my eyes... Very good advice in all aspects... I remember a sales tactic... "People buy for their own reasons and not ours"....i guess it applies to love and relationships too... There'll be no point begging and pleading for love as they mite not come back to u b'cos they love u but b'cos they have some sympathy or pity or b'cos they miss u and all these feelings don't last like 'love'....so we mite end up hurting ourself in the long run even if we fix it temporarily.... Omg...makes lots and lots of sense now....i deserve some self respect and i'll walk up with my head high... Thnks again for ur sensible advice...u mite have experienced quite a lot...u r a much stronger person now... i really am grateful for all ur advice... Regards, LD

Kind Attention DG: Anytime....u can email me...im good at understanding others problems and helping them... , but i can never work out my own temperament... Hello DG, Annie and everyone, Thanks for ur time and advice... Tried to follow ur suggestions..(well some of it..) I had been out with some of my buddies from another city..they had come down to see me before their wedding..i really enjoy being with them..but today...i was just not myself...i didnt speak much...I was very surprised and they too didnt understand...(told them i was not well...)..but the day was fine..it just flew... Towards the end..i felt more comfortable..and didn't realise a day had passed without him....Good effort ladies...(u'r helping me a lot...) I spoke to him yesterday and we were discussing abt being friends..and today he left an offline msg for me..some subject link...so i spoke to him just now...sounds like we r going to be 'hi, hello friends..' Now, how do i deal with it...play it cool...(i wouldn't ring him tomm)...how/what else i should/shouldn't do??? May be i sound silly by asking each and everything....but please understand....i've to force my brain these set of instructions orelse my heart overrules...(I would rather lay my rules and most likely stick to it..).. Sorry abt bugging u all...Hope i can help u all in some way...plz..don't hesitate...i can listen & understand....(others!!!) Thanks, LD

Hi DG, I agree with almost everything u say...u r right...i can't see things clearly as of now...so im going to trust and go with my head...i guess that's not going to harm me in anyway....i won't lose what i don't have...if u understand what i mean... My heart always lets me down and i should limit by beliefs and thoughts arising from there....probably i don't have any self control and self discipline...my thoughts rule my mind/body...should put a stop to it...will give it a best shot...to get out of this abeyss.. I understand 'he says what he means' and i should take time away from him....better for both of us and thats what he needs too..will try to follow ur suggestions abt calls too...(i mite rather ring him less frequently b'cos i definitely know he's not going to call me...and if it continues..i may lose contact...).. The repetitive thoughts are abt...what harm have i done to him?? why is he avoiding me??? Why won't he even speak to me?? Why is he ignoring me?? Won't he even be my friend?? Where has all this 2 years friendship/care/affection/intimacy gone??...Anyway...i've managed to get light on some of the answers...its all up here in the top of my head...just needs sometime to sink thro'.. This forum and especially all your advices have been very convincing and helpful and has saved me some battle between my heart and head.. I am thankful to everyone's help and suggestions and would be grateful for this... If at all..u need someone to listen...pls..count on me and send an email ..

Hi DG, That's a pretty good and quite convincing remark...I had this blind faith and ever-lasting hope to be friends with him...but quite honestly...like u mentioned it's going to be tougher and tougher as it's only me who has feelings for him..and may be one day i'll have to face the reality of totally losing him out of my life...as i doubt if at all he cares abt me... That one day could be quite soon or even months later or years later...it might be even tougher for me then...now i can understand my actual state quite clearly rite now...yes...i should let go..i should let go of my ego & accept the failure of this relationship...i should get to the disassociating state and identify the 'lost myself'... But one more thing...since i truly love him (he ws not by bf, he ws frnd and i've feelings for him)..and since its my fault of getting entangled into attachments..i realise that he would lose me as a friend as i was the only one to ever get so close to him and get him out of his shell...and i promised to be a caring friend forever... I feel guilty that i wasn't able to just be a friend...and moreover confronted him with the least expected question 'of his feelings towards me?' This caused a great drift in us and he keeps away as a way to kill my hope...and he mentioned that he wants to make sure he doesn't develop any feelings for me...(he doesn't want to...even if he likes me he doesn't want to fall in love with me)....he doesn't like attachments and committments....haven't seen him attached to anyone..never..he never opens up....(he started to open up little with me..before i confronted him with relationship question) When i mentioned abt being friends, he said he wouldn't mind being a formal friend and would be there when i need some help.... What do i do?? Sometimes i think..he's giving me mixed messages as he's not sure himself....if he loves me..?? or may be my head is gone with the wind...He's just a nice friend and he's trying to be nice to me..and im expecting too much of him... What should i do?? Pls..suggest.. Should I ignore the friendship thing, be selfish and forget all abt him?? Should i be his friend and try to be normal..as time mite heal my hurts..?? Should I still have hopes and hurt myself and be around him with the 'friend' label.?? Im confused...anyone..pls....?? can someone understand & help me? or am I not making sense?? I really want to get rid of this quizzes running in my head 24/7...PLEASE...HELP...i've been spending all my time reading every comment in this forum...helps soothe my soul to some extent...but i need to sort these things..before they throw me out of university and work... Please advice.. Thanks for ur time.. Regards, LD

Thanks DG, Ur advice seems quite right..... But i am not able to realise the fact that i wont even be his friend..i just want him to be my friend as i cant imagine a life without such a person..it would be too bad to miss this person in ur life...im just unable to move on...meet other friends etc., When i think sensibly....i agree with u....but most of the times....before even i could think...i dial his number....then get hurt by the outcome.. U made me realise..that i need to let go..but how do i get out of this trench?? pls..advice..in simple and easy steps...as i dont think...im up for any major change as im already grieving... Thnkx for ur time... LD

Hi... u r not the only one..im in a similar kind of situation..and i would really appreciate if someone could guide us... It's killing..the wait seems too long..especially when we dont know how long to wait and time is against us as every minute ticks slowly... Unable to get mind off these thoughts... Any ideas?? Wish it was the end of everything...atleast then..i mite go say some goodbyes to others..(may be i'll still wait to speak to the one I love)..

Dear Honeyspur, Thanks for being vry nice to me and sharing ur details. I assume that im clear headed and may be im not. All i can think is that i need to c him and i need to c him now. Nothing crosses my mind once that thought arises. I try to ring him and when he doesn't answer, all i think is ..is he ok?? is he ok?? Why is he not answering my call? Has he forgotten me altogether?? Have i lost him completely? Will he ever speak to me?? Will i ever get a chance to speak to him?? Oh.. no...i need to c him..i need to c him now..atleast speak to him..and i end up in that same circle every second and im not existing anymore. There is no other life for me. I've forgotten all abt my education, family and everything else in my life. When my counsellor makes me understand of my life, i look back and c what i've lost..my health, time etc., but that thought disappears when i step out of her office and when i think abt him. I don't think i need more talking or medication b'cos i've crossed the boundaries and im just clinging to the edge. Yes, im scared b'cos im not sure when im going to loosen my grip and im scared of losing him forever.. This fear acts in opposite ways and makes me more confused b'cos i don't know if i can still remember him and love him even after death. If i find an answer to this question..may be i can decide something. Thanks for ur time.. Regards, LD

Thanks Honeyspur, But all i've right now is only the feelings for him and nothing else. I am not myself anymore. I can't even or don't want to take care of myself. All i worry and think is how is he and i wonder what he's doing rite now and if at all he'll ever understand that i really love him and want to be his friend. I can't think of anything else. I really wish i could see him, talk to him or if these are not possible, i don't feel any worthy in living. U can say im selfish..may be im. I don't value anything else anymore. I've nothing but his name and his face in each and every single thought and nothing else. What shall i do?? I wish i could just live with this dreams. My life seems totally impractical now. Don't know what to do... Right now..im planning to set off to c him and plead him to be my friend again. No other choice..im counting every single second and its very painful. I've never been on antidep before. And i don't mind taking them. But will it make any difference to the situation?? No! Then why should i take them??

Dear all, I would really appreciate if someone can give some feedback on this. I've been friends with this guy for nearly 2 years now and since a year ago, i've started to have more feelings for him. He's quite reserved and doesn't socialize with many people. I lived with him for a year and I grew emotionally attached to him and at one point we had even discussed that we didn't want this friendship to go any further and we would stick to our line that we lay. I had no choice but accepted it and carried on being friends with him. But i moved to the university halls this year and since then i started missing him a lot. We live in the same town and we see each other almost every day. We are on the phone all the time and we spent more time together since i moved and i am seriously in love with this guy and i can't imagine being without him. I decided that i either need him as my life long friend or he would atleast accept me as his gf at some point. Recently, i told him abt how i feel and he didnt quite agree. He didn't want to be close friend of mine anymore. He just wanted to remain formal friends and said he would be there when i need some help and he would approach me if he needs some help and thats it. Meanwhile, i had been going thro' some tough times and i had seeked his company to discuss abt other issues and i guess he felt pressurized or may be he used that as an excuse to say that i should handle things on my own and he shared this dependency factor to other friends of us whom we recently knew. Now everyone assumes that i am causing him trouble and they all made a formal announcement to end our friendship. Its like a hell now. I lost every single friend i knew and most of all i lost my best friend b'cos of my stupidity. I tried to speak to him to straighten it and he wouldnt listen and now he wouldnt answer any of his calls nor would see me inspite of me being hospitalized. All the other friends refused to even pass the message to him and they don't answer my calls. I tried my best to be friends with them and they wouldn't. So there was an episode of overdose and i was dragged back into this life which i dont want to live anymore. I had enough and all i think is how should i vanish from this world of worries. I had been to see my GP, counsellor etc., they've told me im depressed and prescribed me antidepressants. I don't have any hopes and so i've not taken them. Honestly, i dont think any medication or talking is going to help me feel better. But i think that if the situation is sorted out then i might have something to live for. And that doesn't seem to happen either. I've locked myself up and i m not hungry anymore and i dont want to do a thing. Is there anyone who could tell why this guy is avoiding me and if ever he is going to understand and be atleast my friend. I know he cares for me but why does he avoid me? Why can't he be friends with me anymore? What should i do to be his friend again? I am not expecting more than friendship this time, but this friendship could mean a lot to me and he doesn't understand that. Is there any hope for me as I don't want to go thro' this emotional struggle anymore. Thanks for ur time!

Hi, I can understand u completely. Don't worry. U r not alone dear friend. I am in the same boat as you. I've been betrayed by own dear friends and right now I've none to speak to or cry to. I've locked myself within the four walls of my own room and i've not stepped out since a week. I've already made one serious attempt to escape from the pain in vain. I've had no hopes and still see no light. But all i can see is that I am not alone and all i can assure u is that u r not alone either. There are lots of people like us, if that sounds helpful. I've been spending all my time desperately and anxiously and all i can find is my life slipping under my feet. Days are passing, nights are passing and i couldnt differentiate between them. I've forgotten how it feels to be hungry and even the taste of food. I've hardly had anything to drink too. I am being assured by my counsellor that it will all be fine and I trust her now. I've given myself another chance and decided to take one day at a time. I've promised to look for signs of hope in the following month and see how it goes on from there. I hope u feel a bit better and i am glad that this forum helps all the lonely and desperate hearts to search for hope amongst overselves.. I hope it helps u.. Best wishes and prayers, LD

Hi Kelley, I m almost in the same situation as urs, infact one step ahead as i admitted to him that i wanted more than friendship from him and i've to be honest with u, he is not even friendly with me anymore. I assumed that the friendship would still continue. But it isnt the case here. Im having a real tough time now bcos i miss him a lot. He's my best friend with whom I share everything that goes on in my life and now we are not even talking. I've been depressed about it and please beware if u r taking a step forward. Know his reactions before u tell him anything. Just like Mr.Lowselfconfidence suggested, u can put it accross lightly rather than being serious and blunt like me. Be prepared for the outcome though! Best Wishes! LD