ld25

I've tried so hard to manage my feelings but now everything seems to be a disaster. I am getting so angry with myself and others around me...i mean everyone around me. I seem to hate everyone including me. I dont know where my life is leading to...Im totally lost and am not able to think or even see anything even physically. Constantly negative thoughts and insecure feelings are running in my mind and head and i get so annoyed by not being able to run away anywhere where i can get rid of my thoughts. I am fed up of everything and i just feel that im not fit to live in this world. I have a feeling that everyone are so mean and they just make use of you. No one in this world actually cares for me. I mean no one...and this annoys me a lot. Why is it wrong to expect to be loved??? I've loved and made others feel better when they are down....but I dont get anything back from anywhere when i need love and care.... I just dont fit enough to even exist in this diplomatic world. I am not cut out to be here....may be i dont belong here at all.... I just dont want to live....im giving up all my hope....may be it's not depression.....but desperation to be loved....whatever but i dont care of what the label is....but i dont feel good at all....i just want to be washed away quickly... LD

Hi Ron, Thanks for all the encouragement! I have been taking one day at a time and yes, I have managed to nail down my feelings and narrow it to do positive things. There has been ups and downs but fortunately, I managed to get back to my old self (very old self) of getting used to be on my own and being productive without worrying. I have been doing good lately and been to uni every single day (not happened for a very long time)! Some positive changes and I am proud of myself abt all these. However, there has been times when my depression/clingy feeling crops up and makes me a nasty person to others around me. I managed to understand why i've been feeling so insecure and unworthy. Also, I am very glad that for the first time, I have fought and stood up for myself despite others trying to pull me down. I spoke for what i thought was right and rightfully I stood up for myself and this has made me feel better! Once again, I hope I can get rid of my negative emotions and focus on the right things. All I want is a better person out of me! (I want to learn from what's happening around)! Thanks again to everyone for listening and letting me vent out! Atleast, I know that someone somewhere cares... Thanks, LD

Hi Ron, Thanks for ur encouragement. i've managed to do some tidying up, laundry etc., I did something that i had always wanted to do...Listen to music/radio and fall asleep....I pulled thro' atleast a day! I am pleased abt that. Also, i am at uni now which is good. Surprisingly, i had a message from another friend of mine saying that she's going out tonite and wanted me to join them. I always enjoyed her company and she's good to talk too although i've never shared any of my personal things with anyone apart from this guy whom i love. I am not up for any partying right now so I haven't made up my mind yet. A big thing that stands in my way of letting him go is that i had asked him to stay with me despite the fact that he's moved out. This happened when i was really upset and at the time of him moving out...So now he's staying at my flat. I am happy that he's standing besides me when i need him but the hardest thing is for him to move away when im in such an emotional state. But i am going to be in the same state anytime that he's gonna leave....So I am not really sure what's happening here....I am afraid that i might push him to the extent that he just walks aways ignoring me one day....which makes me very clingy and forces me to ring him every often. I still want to be friends with him but without feeling upset when he moves out completely and I dont know how to get that courage.... I hope to feel better & strong and pray to get the courage to let him pass....If I do this, I am sure, I would have overcome the fear in my mind of letting go of someone i love most and also it will help healing the wound/pain of a similar past experience. My ex bf left me one day in shock after a 4 year relationship and it totally devastated me. It took me so much courage and pain to trust someone again and very often the pain and fear affects my present relationship and most of the times i think that it is an obstacle to all my relationships and it seems to get nowhere... i am glad im sharing all these experiences here as i feel more light hearted now... another day to pass... LD

Hi, hope i am not bi-polar....anyway...time will tell me if i am or not....or atleast someone of u might.. thanks, LD

Thanks Ron, Yes, u're right abt my self-respect and feeling guilty. I have very low self-esteem and i feel guilty for even the things that i am not responsible for... I know i need help...but the fear of going thro' the whole process is much more than the process itself...I have severe side effects due to my attempt last year and also due to the medications. I do not want to go thro' the same thing and gain one thing and lose another. I have had the courage to face so many things in the past and have never complained abt anything nor depressed seriously abt anything until I let any guy into my life. But things started to go wrong, when I always loved the guy more than myself and anything else in this world. I started to build and re-arrange my whole life surrounding my love and this guy and everytime someone lets me down, I crumble down and fall deep into this black hole. May be (not may be, certainly) this is where i go wrong....i just love others too much...and may be even trust them too much. I have learnt my lessons twice and I think it's me who has to change. I am going to be positive about everything happening and not let it interfere with my feelings. yes, i should be eating...i know but it was hard for me to motivate to even live as of when the incident took place....I feel the hunger now and i am glad i feel it. Thanks again for listening and for your advice...I will see how it goes on for few more days and if my own determination doesn't help...then may be seek help....(which sounds like another big fear to me...I donno why...) Thanks, LD

Hi everyone, Guess what??? I've decided to give a break to myself from thinking that i'm depressed...may be I am not actually depressed and i am too sensitive to things and feel very very bad so easily when things go wrong... I have lots of things to do at uni & at home. I think at the end of the day my success matters and I do not want to be left behind. I have to do my laundry, clean my room and I have already started b'cos may be everything will pile up soon and then I might actually get depressed with the whole thing....I've challanged myself and decided not to let myself down at this crucial time of breaking up or determining to be a strong person...I want to be a strong person ... At the end of the day, I am a nice & lovely person. I am very very kind and generous to everyone and all my friends admire my qualities. I am quite intelligent too and I've managed to pull thro' so many obstacles so far....I'm just nearer to my goal and I do not want to be handicapped by this fear of losing someone I love most. Atleast I am glad that he's going to be around and he will still be my friend and I can see him and talk to him if I want to. (Well...i need to stop and rethink here and not call him everyday or see him often.) I don't think I can imagine myself getting married to someone who doesn't love me or have the same feelings for me....and so may be it's all happening for good.... I am going to make some positive changes to my room, looks, everything and feel the difference... May be I should understand that I cannot hold on to a person when they are determined to leave and I should move on... Anyway, as of now, I do not want to take on too many things...I'll start with doing the essential work at home....and then use my free time to do something that distracts me or occupies my full attention.... I only pray it helps...as I do not want to take the medications anymore..... Will keep u all updated.... Thanks again for letting me vent out and for listening... Love, LD

Thanks Ron, Yes, i understand that the therapy in combination with medications will work. But I feel that it's not a simple issue that i can deal with... Everytime, I go thro' an emotional turmoil or a disaster in life, I just get so much absorbed into it that i find it very hard to get out of it... I just cannot face even simple things in life...i tend to always cling on for some kind of support and eventually things get worser... ok...i guess i might have to explain the exact situation. It hurts and I know many of you will tell i am stupid and i know i am but i cannot find my way out... i like this guy and we have been seeing each other for nearly 3 years now. He made it clear to me more than a year ago that he doesn't want this relationship to go on further etc., However, i had no choice but to accept his decision but i still had feelings for him strongly. I was in madly in love with him that i decided to kill myself to end my pain but i failed miserably. I was on therapy & medications and felt better when i visited home and i stopped my treatment. However, i got back to uni and things turned out in such a way that he moved in with me. It's been more than a year we lived together and we have occasionally argued for some silly past issues but always patched up. About a month ago, I spoke about our relationship and he just said that it wont work out between us and we are not compatible etc., He said, but he'll think abt it...(most likely to be a no again...) Two days ago we had a silly argument and now he's found a flat for himself and he moved some of his stuff out. I was really upset that i had to pour my heart out and burst into tears. He convinced me that he'll visit me often and I know he might ...but it confirms to me that this is one step away from our relationship and it's almost certainly starting to go downhill from now on... I dont know how to handle this and I have become so clingy again that i dont want him to leave me....but he has left already and i feel i am being dumped again... i have not eaten anything in the last 2 days and hardly slept and didn't show up to the uni too....I am worried that this might affect my studies just like last year and i am feeling helpless and trapped in this turmoil... worried, LD

Thanks Axel, I knew i was going to curl up and shut myself in my room for ever...and never wanting to leave my room..I lied down for an hour and then decided i dont want to get stuck in my room and it'll probably make things worser.. I went for a walk and thoughtfully, i rang a friend of mine and chatted with him abt my emotions and he was very helpful...i was feeling better...but now i am back to square 1 within an hour of helpful chat... So, i gather that things aren't getting better by just talking or listening or whatever...may be...i just need to kill my time or do something until i get exhausted and drag myself back to my room.. to be honest, i dont really know what to do...i only know that i am not feeling comfortable with myself, my situation and everything....i dont know where i could run away....probably disappear??

Thanks Ron, I hate going for professional help...i know it'll help me...but i think that sometimes its utter waste of time....they just help u find different possibilities of not feeling bad....But the thing is that i am feeling bad and i cannot stop it and i think time should heal it hopefully.... I have been on anti-depressants a year ago and stopped taking them altogether b'cos i felt better and i had the confidence that i can manage and face my hurdles and emotions from then... But may be i was wrong??? If so, can I take the anti-depressants i still have?? i dont know...but i do think i need help but not very sure...and I hate going back on that track again... I wish i could recover myself... still no tears, and i wish i could cry...and sometimes i do but it makes me feel even worse... thanks for listening.. LD

Hi, I have been feeling very low in spirits, self-esteem, confidence and above all confused and lost! I am feeling I am being sucked into the blackhole of depression AGAIN.... I can understand my feelings to some extent and can relate it to the things that has been happening around me and my whole life. But, however I always tend to think negative of myself and dont want to go thro' this emotional turmoil... I always end up thinking that i dont want to feel depressed and I am not fit to live in this world normally... anyway, all those things comes next....but first thing i feel is i dont want to live in this world.....For some reason, i feel i want to escape all this and go away somewhere far and relax....I try my best to walk away, go for a walk, sit somewhere etc., But at the end, i still feel that i'm not feeling any better no matter what i do or what i convince myself... I just wish i was dead....I know even that is a difficult thing to happen....but i wish i had some peace somewhere.... had enough with everything....i even forced myself to login here b'cos i didn't think anything would make me feel any better right now....apart from shutting myself away from my mind....i dont know how to do that.... would somone please help in someway..anyway... tearless, LD

Dear Haunted in Florida, I am sure you are doing whatever you can and dont worry yourself too much abt not having done enough. I understand what you mean exactly (lost little girl). But, there are only certain things that we would be able to do...so do those things to your best. Take good care of urself and the kids... Best Wishes, LD

Thanks Tigris for your kind words and support. I am getting to terms with the news & facts. But sometimes shock puts you off the track & makes you moan and moan until you find the way out. Cheers, LD

Dear Kyo, Each day passes by and we can still remember how we felt that minute/hour when it happened. It's been only a week and things will seem tougher now...however I don't mean to say that as days pass we'll overcome this...but atleast we will get to understand and move on with ever-lasting memories. Things will get better....you will be stronger and our prayers are with you and your family at this tough hour. Take it as each day and face it .... I'm sure you'll be able to secure your mum's future and plan your family with the loving memories of your dad. He'll be proud of what you are... (Im sorry abt the gender thing....i didn't notice...it was a genuine mistake.....In any case, the feelings are still the same, the assurances are still the same). Take good care of urself.. Thoughts & Prayers... LD

Hi btbt, I am so glad to see those wise words of wisdom flow out! It's been a tough time for you, but yes, we should move on. Be successful and do all that you can to reach there...and that's the best you can do to make your dad & mum proud of you! Best Wishes, LD

Dear haunted in Florida, I understand you've been thro' lots especially in a short period of time. I pray to God to keep you strong physically and emotionally through this tough time. I am sure you are quite a strong person, but yet you need to get even stronger atleast for the sake of your wonderful children. It's such a great thing to be looking after your husband at this crucial time and having faith that things will get better. Be strong....(it's easier said than done...)! Do share your burdens with us... Best Wishes, LD

Hi everyone, Thanks for your posts and kind words of reassurance. My grandad had a medical examination yesterday to check if his bone marrow etc., has been affected. Luckily, it wasn't so! So, in a way, I hope that his health is atleast not going to decline rapidly. Atleast, i will have a good chance to see him and spend some time with him. Thanks btbt, i managed to speak to the school and get some time off but it wont be until august that i can visit him. Once again, thanks for your posts!!! Regards, LD

Dear Kyo, Your words are filled with wisdom and quite sensible even at this time of turbulence. I admire your courage and strength and the love for your dad. All your posts reveal how much you loved him and appreciated his qualities. You are definitely one lucky little girl for him!!! Speaking about what is being fair and not fair, i just want to share some simple concepts of life from my point of view. You may not agree to this totally and I can understand that b'cos given that situation even i wouldn't have, before few years. There are so many people in this world who are born as orphans, physically handicapped etc., In some cases, children don't even get the chance to live with their parents for many reasons. In other cases, the family structure simply doesn't exist due to several problems within the family. Given all these kind of situations in this world, I think that you are a really lucky girl to have such a wonderful family and a great dad! I hope you understand that you got the best of the best even if it was for not very long. May be God had plans for your dad! ( He's lucky to die as he was, without withering out...) He's also lucky to have such a wonderful family and may be his purpose in this life is completed. When u mentioned abt how "your dad took measures to avoid death", it could have been b'cos he wanted to see you grow into this wonderful woman that he can be proud of. Given that he fought death two times earlier, this time he might have sacrificed his life to someone. (In our idealogy, we believe that when death approaches us, if we happen to escape/fight it, then the death knocks on someone else's door). So may be your dad has given his great life to someone in this world.... You are not losing a lost battle...im sure any sensible person would reflect on all these kind of things.... Take good care of yourself and your mum! Regards, LD

Dear Kyo, In a way, im glad to hear that you cried. But as you said, we can NEVER cry enough! Our thoughts and prayers are with you at this dark hour of your life. I am sure, God will give you the strength and support to handle this and overcome this terrible sorrow! It seems that your mum needs some help. Get any of her close friends / relatives to visit you both frequently to just talk it over and help her overcome the shock & grief. I can totally understand how you feel sad for your grandmother. Mine, was exactly the same situation. My dad died and he was the only son to my grandmum and it was a terrible thing to tell her. She just couldn't understand what was happening. Later, she was the most understanding person in my whole life. She would analyze me by just a gaze and ask me not to worry about my dad's death. She promised me that she'll be there for me. She was that sort of person, to whom i dont have to tell what i feel....it was just that we had so much in common that we didn't have to explain to each other about the emptiness due to my dad's SUDDEN DEATH. I truly feel very sorry for the loss of your dad. I am sure u'll miss him so much.....but I hope you realise that your dad will be up there in heaven watching over you all the time and waiting for you to take good care of yourself, your mum and your grandmum. I know that none can replace your dad and no words can bring you enough peace right now, but I pray that may you find some comfort and support and reassurance that things will get better and you'll be able to carry on with all the sweetest memories of your dad! It's good to share your feelings and let out your emotions to flow! We do hope that you'll be able to overcome this sorrow together with us! Take good care of your health! Feed yourself and your mum especially because you need physical strength too to cope up with this! We are here for you anytime....and do stop by here....you'll get some relief...im sure! Love & Prayers, LD

Dear btbt, I can understand what you mean. It's very true that NOT everyone acknowledges that they are depressed and get 'real help'. I suppose, it's certain individual's belief and will power that enables them to be isolated and force themself to handle a crisis themselves without any 'support' from others. For instance, in a way, i'm glad that my mum is one such person. She really doesn't discuss her problems with anyone. She's very strong and faces everything by herself. Infact, she's there for everyone whenever they are in trouble or need a listening ear. And for such personalities, they believe in their inner-strength and ability to cope with the problems in life. I used to think the same, and tried to be like her. Besides, i was more stronger when i was around her. But only when, i was away from home i realised that i needed help/support to enable me to face harsh realities in life. I was so hesitant to seek help b'cos it seemed like i was handicapped and seeking assistance to overcome my hurdles. I was forcing myself not to seek outside help and ended up being so distressed. But however, im glad that someone from this forum (my best friend now) suggested to seek professional help and I am glad i did. It's kind of a big relief that you would be able to speak to someone who 'cares' for you and it's a sort of 'outlet'. This kind of support is especially important to anyone who's really very sensitive and get trapped by emotional burdens. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS & SUPPORT THAT DEPRESSED PEOPLE REQUIRE. Therfore, you should NOT worry about whether they approve or understand this. For instance, some people when they fall ill, they approach the doctor to seek help. While others, take their own remedies. So basically, all this depends on what YOU personally think would help you most. It would be stupid to mock at someone who's ill and seeking doctor's help and it's equally stupid enough for not understanding that depressed people need help/support. Take care and hope you find your way out of the 'black-hole' sooner! Best Wishes, LD

Thanks Tigris, Your words are comforting which i most need at this time. I am trying to arrange to visit my grandad sooner so that i could spend few weeks with him. But it's really hard for me...not just to go home, but to realise the fact that i cannot be with him for longer and have to return back. Last year, i visited him and given his health conditions, everyone at home including me believed that it might be the last time i see him alive. So, the last few days before departure, i felt so bad/guilty to leave him and go away. I spent hours together to say goodbye to him b'cos of the fear that he might die before my next visit. But, every single minute, i hoped and prayed that he should be alive atleast to see me graduate. I still hope the same! However, the fear to face the reality strikes every now and then and I fear to go home b'cos i dont want to come back! I am unable to let my emotions out and I have a deep pain (choking like..) in my throat. It's hard to explain....but the pain worsens everytime, i think abt this! Thnx, LD

This was the exact thing that happened to one of my friends. He was down with flu and he informed the boss of his intention to take off. However, they insisted that he still has to work and he went in for half day and he couldn't continue. So he left home. He didnt work the next day. When he went in for his next shift, his boss had warned him for a disciplinary action. I dont understand why he should be "tortured" if he was sick and well he went in for atleast half day despite his sickness. Since the 'threat', he didnt go back to work. He's on a permanent contract and he's almost lost his job now. I advised him to approach another manager or to seek help, but his boss is the girl friend of the senior manager there. I thought his boss was the only person with such an attitude but apparently there seems to be others in the list! My sincere advice, DONT QUIT!!! Be brave and face it! They won't eat you! Why should you lose your job b'cos of your boss's extreme authority over you? LD

Another sad story: My cousin lost his sister just few years ago when she committed suicide just because she scored lesser marks than she expected (She passed but her grades were low or so). Their dad was so much attached to his daughter, that he almost went crazy after she died. Their loving family was torn apart due to her death and the parents almost divorced/separated. However, my cousin (aged 20 years) moved on and married his sweet heart (aged 18 years) in a year to bring some happiness into the family. This was a life changing situation b'cos as expected, slowly the family was regaining its normality. They had a baby just 10 months ago and everything was fine until yesterday when my cousin's wife committed suicide after they had a silly argument. (They argued over which brand of milk powder to use. I mean this sounds really silly....but they both were too young to be married and be parents anyway...) Their family is totally devastated. My cousin is in a terrible state! I couldn't find words to convince/console him. I feel very sorry for him because he may feel responsible/guilty for her death. I am just lost! I do not know what to say/do? This adds on to my existing worries and makes me feel depressed! I just want to help my cousin feel better and ease their pain over this loss! He's got to raise a 10 months baby on his own now! Any advice/suggestions on how to handle this?? Thanks, LD

My grandad has been poorly ill for the last few months and we had done our best to treat him at a private hospital. However, today we had his biopsy results and they confirmed that he's having cancer. They have to test him further to examine if it has spread elsewhere etc., I can feel that his days are nearing and he'll be gone forever sometime soon. I grew up at my grandparents all my life and have only been away from home for the last couple of years. I am still away from home and this kills me. I wish to spend sometime with him during his last days of life but i'm unable to due to my educational committments. It kind of makes me feel guilty for being selfish in a way... I never had a proper chance to say goodbye to my loved departed ones...and I really want to spend sometime with him and I feel so frustrated and helpless.... To make things worse, i just heard about a death in the family (relative) which makes me feel very restless. Thanks for listening... LD

Dear btbt, I can understand how you feel. First thing, dont worry, you are not alone. Second thing, things will get better, the darkness will fade and you'll see light if you believe and if you want to. Dont give up hope especially at this time. Focus on your career thing that's affecting you now. Your mum might not be able to communicate to you at this time due to her own problems. But a mother's love is unconditional and supportive all the time and dont worry abt not being able to open up to her right now. I suppose, you'll have your time together sooner and hopefully be supportive to each other. Take care of yourself and cheer up. Life has to go on..... People die, but memories don't.... Recollect all the good times you had and inspire yourself to move on... (I am sure your dad up in the heaven wants to see you as a successful person....) We are always there if you need support ... Best Wishes, LD

Hi Kyo, So sorry.... Help your mum to calm down. Ring your good friends...they'll understand and be there for you in person. Cry and let your feelings flow down. Dont hold your tears anymore.....let your feelings/grief out....(Get any of your relatives/family members/good friends to join you and your mum to the hospital). We are there for you at this time.....But understand onething, you need to grieve.....for that, u need to realise... LD P.S: Im sorry to tell you this, but i lost my dad too unexpectedly and i didnt realise it then, b'cos i had to stay strong to comfort my mum and thereforeeee didnt grieve. Till today, even now, i face the consequences of not grieving completely....