DreamLilies

Today is also my ex's birthday! I sent an e-card, and got a nice reply. There's been about 5 months of NC. I do miss him, but I no longer feel that intense longing that I felt for several months.

I have done the Forum, and the Advanced Course. I have had a great experience with them. They do seem a bit heavy handed with the requests to invite others to do the Forum, though. But, do understand, it is a business. They don't advertise, so all of their business is by word of mouth. I personally know one person who had a negative experience with Landmark, but I know many more who have benefitted greatly. I have had some amazing stuff come out of my participation. My relationship with my family is the best it's ever been, and I've become a much better person to be around. It's not for everybody, but it's improved my life immensely. Some aspects may seem "cult-like," but it is most definitley not a cult.

If your best friend were in this situation, what would be your advice to her? Would you advise her to keep going back for more of the same stuff, not really knowing what was going on? Would you tell her to stick around, with the possibility that he is going to keep having sex with her with no strings attached, while he can get together with other women and not feel guilty about it because you two are "not in a relationship?" What kind of advice would you give your best friend?

But weren't you the dumper? NC works differently for those who were dumped.

Hey Law, How about posting your formula? I'm sure that a lot of folks would love to give it a try. Or will we have to wait for the book? Best, Dreamlilies

My ex and I have been broken up for a year. We have maintained a bit of a friendship / working relationship over this past year. Well, one evening about a month ago I asked him to go out to see a play with me that he's wanted to see. We had a good time and got caught up talking about who we've been dating, and what else had been going on in our lives. At the time, I was not dating anyone and he had been on a couple of dates with a lady. Long story short, he approached the subject of us having sex. I said that although I really really wanted to, I couldn't outside the context of a relationship. We hugged and said goodbye. After a semi-sleepness night, I called him up the next morning. I said that I didn't have the courage to tell him that I would probably get my hopes up if we did have sex that night. But if he would be interested in dating me again, I'd be open to the idea as long as we could take it slow. And I asked him what he thought would be standing in the way of us giving it another shot. He said he'd have to think about it and get back to me. Over the next week, I called him twice and left him messages saying that I was thinking of him and that we didn't have to talk about my question to him right away. He has not returned any of my calls, and it's been a little over a month. One of my friends works in his building, and the ex knows we are friends. He stops by her office to visit from time to time. Not once has he asked about me. And he just hired one of my interns that he met through me to work on his show. And he inquired about hiring someone else who works with me. Not one word to me from the ex still. So, I guess I got my answer. I suppose he isn't interested in dating me, or in having a friendship any longer either. I get behind in returning phone calls sometimes, but not for a month. In my head, I gave him two weeks to respond to me, and if he didn't, then there was my answer. I would have respected him more if he didn't take the chicken-split way out by ignoring me and my calls. The good news is that I've met someone new. This someone new is so wonderfully amazing, and I can see a future with him. He is much more affectionate and open than the ex was, and we can laugh and laugh and talk for hours. It's so free and easy and fun. And I wouldn't have been in the space to have been available to date if I hadn't been ignored by the ex. I'm still thinking about the ex. I miss the friendship. I miss the romance we had. But the feelings are getting less and less every day.

I agree with Diggity on this one. I am single again and trying the online thing. After two or three emails back and forth, I expect to meet up to see if we actually have any chemistry. I'm pretty bold, so if he hasn't offered to meet up, I'll suggest a date over a cup of something. Maybe she's shy. Maybe she has read "The Rules." In either one of these cases, I think that you should ask her out to do something low-key and friend-ish. Only then will you know if there might be an interest in something more. Just don't come right out and ask her point-blank if she's interested. That almost never works and just puts a person on the spot. And it might make you come off looking a bit needy.

"You're not in love with me. You're in love with the *idea* of me." I still don't have any idea what that means.

Well, I have to disagree with the post right above. My personality and attitude are very different from the way they were a year ago. I've improved with a lot of meditation, introspection and a bit of therapy. Many people in my life have noticed that I seem to be a kinder, more tolerant person than I used to be. So I do believe that a person's personality can change.

I was just at the grocery store. It's Friday night, date night. I saw couples shopping together, looking happy, planning their menus for the next few days or week. And I saw singles, like myself, shopping for one. On Friday night, you can usually tell that those shopping alone are not half of a couple. And it got me thinking, will I one day be content with doing my Friday night shopping with someone I merely like enough to keep me from being lonely? Will I settle? I'm sure that some of the happy looking couples were with their partners because they were "good enough." Will I get lonely enough to allow that to happen to me? Then I started thinking about my ex. He didn't leave me for another. I don't know if that would have hurt any less or more if he did. He would rather have been alone than to have been with me. If he had left me for someone else, then I probably would be plagued by thoughts that he felt that the new love was better than me. But I wasn't left for somebody else. I guess I was left because of the idea that there was somebody better than me. Obviously, he would rather have been alone than have stayed with me. I am hoping that he is thinking about the great times we have had as a couple. I am hoping that he will see that there is so much good that we have shared that he will miss. I am hoping that soon he will see know that there isn't someone better for him. Is it better to know that you true love left you because of someone else? Or is it better to know that your true love left you because, whether or not there *might* or *might not* be somebody better out there, they would rather be alone than be with you?

Heart, that was the adult thing to do, I mean the trying to work on your communication issues and such before you decided to break up. If my ex had been open and communicated that he had issues and fears about us, and if we had been able to talk about it, then we wouldn't be exes right now.

Nkaleidoscopic, I can't think of him as a jerk. If only I could, then this sadness could give way to anger. But I'm not an angry girl... Anyway, he wants space? He's getting it. Just work related emails for the time being. DN, this project was created by the two of us, and so the both of us are "co-owners" I guess. Until the project reaches its next stage, we will still have to be in some contact. After that, who knows? PlayBrat, I'm hoping that with contact limited to work related emailing, he won't be able to help wondering what's going on in my life. And when we have talked on the phone, he always has seemed very interested in what's new with me. LOL on the oven cleaning comment! Southern, I am going into tonight with an open mind and no expectations. I am in no way "boyfriend shopping." I really don't think I have it in me to give anything of myself except for some good conversation anyway. No expectations, and no plans of anything but enjoying the company of the people I'm with.

Yes there are two sides of the story. His side, and the real side! LOL Anyway, the project we are working on is a presentation that is multi-part. Once this part is done, he might not be part of it from that point on. I sent an email out to schedule our next meeting for two weeks from now, and if we can get all parties to confirm their availability, then I don't think the ex and I will have to have any contact other than emailed details until then. As far as how I can apply NC in this situation, well, it's tough. We'll be in no contact for a week or two at a time, then he'll call me every other day or so. Then no contact for a week, then daily calls. I was feeling rather down about him not wanting to go the show with me since just a couple of months ago, we were talking about how this was a show that we couldn't wait to see once it came into town. Oh well, I need to save up my money anyway. In the middle of writing this, I got a phone call from a guy that I met about a week and a half ago. He wants to get together with me, and he is going to bring two of his single guy friends, and I'm going to bring two of my single girl friends. Not quite a date, but I'm sure that it will be fun nonetheless. All of a sudden, I don't feel so sad anymore! I guess I needed a distraction. I don't believe that I'm ready for a relationship with any other guy right now, though. But tonight, well, it's just what it is. Potential new friends meeting up for a drink.

Yeah. And we talked just a couple of months ago about how we were both excited about this show coming to town, too. When we broke up, he said he wanted us to be friends. I don't think we actually are friends, though. He might disagree, but I spend time nurturing relationships with my friends and try to stay in touch doing fun, social things together. Since he only wants to know me in a business context, then I guess that we're just colleagues. Not friends.

So, my ex and I are working on a project and I thought that we were done with it last week. But on Thursday of last week, we had a dinner with one of our colleagues and it seems as if we are going to have to redo a portion of our presentation. Since we've been broken up, we have primarily been in touch only in a business capacity. He went out of town after our business dinner, and we had not been in touch since. He called and left a message for me on Wednesday, and from the message he left, it didn't seem urgent that I get back to him. So I waited until today to call him back. We spoke for a moment about work, then I tried to ask him to get together this weekend on a social level and invited him out to see a show. He turned me down flat, saying that he had yard work to do. I feel like such a putz. If I had just kept my cool and emailed him with work details, I wouldn't be feeling so let down and rejected right now. Our next meeting is scheduled in two weeks. I will force myself to limit all contact until then. It sucks that after over 8 months of being broken up, that my emotions are still so raw. I hate this feeling.

I hope that your time apart from each other is what you two needed to make it work this time around. May I ask how long it has been since you two had been out of touch with one another? Best of luck to you both!

Two of my former boyfriends were platonic friends of mine before we ever started dating.

Well, Hockeyboy, it's a long, complicated story why I ran. But in a nutshell, I ran away from home and severed ties with everyone back home, including him. When I saw him, I panicked because I thought that I'd never see him again, so seeing him was like seeing a ghost. Plus, he was with another girl, and I was with another guy, and I didn't want any awkward situation to happen. Did that make sense?

Once I dated this guy for a couple of months. Then I had to leave town and we broke up. About a year later, I saw him in a supermarket in the new city I was living in, 400 miles away from where he and I had lived. I quickly turned around and went down another aisle, and out of the store. He didn't see me. But in the brief moment when I saw him, my heart almost pounded out of my chest. I think it was just nerves. I actually run into people from my past quite a bit, probably about once every two months. But that was the only time I had ever "almost run into" someone I had dated.

Hi Delmar, Several times I have invited my ex out to do things and he has declined the offer. And every time I have felt rejected. When I have called and left a voicemail for him, and he didn't respond, I felt rejected. Well, you know what? I'm tired of feeling rejected. Before he went away on his two week trip, he made plans with me for when he got back. I have missed him, and I've been tempted to call, but I am sticking to NC right now so that I don't put myself into a position to feel rejected. I hope you enjoy the movie. When your ex calls you the next time and you tell him about the movie, he will know that you are not putting your life on hold. You have a life, and you are enjoying living it, right? Take care!

6th day of NC. I'm feeling pretty good. We have plans a week from tomorrow. I wish he'd call so that I could ignore it! I will not call him, I will not email him. No no no no no. I guess it's easier right now because he is out of town.

It is now day three of NC with my ex. I'm feeling pretty good about it. But when he comes back into town and we get back to work, I don't think that the NC can continue. Hopefully I'll have healed a bit more over the next week and a half or so while he's out of town. I kinda wish he'd call so that I can ingnore it! I need to prove to myself that I can stay strong. I feel that he'll call me this week at work because that's the phone line he usually calls on. But he is probably too busy right now to even think of calling. But I do have the feeling that he'll call.

A metaphysical bookshop in your area may also help direct you.

Blue Skittles, under what circumstances might you be seeing the ex tonight? I am trying to do NC while he is out of town for the next two weeks. I sent him a text message yesterday morning before his flight to wish him a nice trip. Sending texts was a way for me to communicate without the expectation of a response, but I am going to cut that out too. So, I guess today is day 1 of this 2 week period of NC. When he gets back, then I will try limited contact. I will try to not initiate communication with him unless it's work related. Should I try to dodge his calls? Not return messages right away? I have always been available to him when he calls. Perhaps I should not be so available anymore. Jeez, I miss him still. Last Sunday he said that he didn't miss me because I am still in his life. Well, I may have to give him a chance to miss me. What do you all think?

I know how you feel about not contacting bringing peace of mind. Because often when I called and left a message and he didn't call back, I'd get upset with myself about waiting around for a reply. If I don't call, I can't face the disappointment of rejection. So I won't call. Besides the initial spark I felt with him, what attracted me to him was his wittiness and intelligence. He gave as good as he got, if that makes sense. There was a lot that he had experienced that I had experienced too. I had never met anyone who seemed so like me. One of my errors was in trying to make myself into what I thought it was he wanted. I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that he thought he was getting himself into. I had a lot of work to do on myself when I met him, and I know that I still have more to do to make myself ready to have a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. Either with him, or with somebody else. The difference between then and now is that now I know the whats and whys of what works in a relationship.