VeryShyGuy

I am in the same situation as you, constantly shy and depressed. Is it all you or is it people around you that put you down? For me, its a little both. Try doing new things, like a sport or a hobby or try to improve at school. Try developing a skill you have into something you can be proud of. Well, thats what I am trying to do.

My life seems to being going no where fast. Growing up poor, always staying at home to study, always doing what I am told and always putting all of my own interest's aside for my parents, letting my parents decide everything for me. Now I am 21, I lack a social life, I am shy, rarely going out, my grades are slipping, I never had a girlfriend nor a job, I have low self-esteem and slightly overweight. And my parents expect me to rescue them from poverty like this? At my home, everything seems to revolve around my mother's stress, her poor health and the family debt. She is the sort of person that sacrifices all of her time, her health and her sense of well-being all for the sake of the family and accuses the family of not being supportive enough of her and expecting too much from her. She expects the family to become as "selfless" as she is and that she is the only person in the house that even has the right to even be angry or depressed. My mother (and my little sister to some extent) are the sort of people that don't like to take "no" for an answer. Because of this, I have become somewhat of a pushover, never saying "no" to anyone, even taking orders from my sister who is four years younger. It feels degrading being pushed around by a little girl that has absolutely no respect for you. I get no love, respect or support from my family no matter how much I try. I am tired of being made to feel that everything I do is not good enough. I sacrifice all my personal goals, dreams and ambitions and I am still not good enough. I am tired of having low self-esteem. Such is my low self-esteem that even to smile or laugh is out of character for me. Every time I tried to build up my self-esteem it would easily crumble whenever my mother makes me feel like she is disappointed in me. My greatest regret would be that one day my mother will die still disappointed in me. To feel depressed I would be told by my mother that I might be depressed for only one day but she is depressed every day. That makes me even more depressed. *Sigh* So much pressure and expectation merely because I am the firstborn in the family. In everything I do (e.g. uni) nobody at home has faith or confidence in me. To tell them that I am trying my best no one will believe me. Its hard when I am the only one that believes in myself. If only moving out was an option, but its not, I am far too dependant on my family. Someone one told me once that I have a heck of alot of potential, why is it that I don't see this potential? I wish I had someone believe in me, particularly someone I admire and respect. Maybe this is why I like this girl I know. She is intelligent, good grades, plently of friends, strong at public speaking (unlike me), similar background as me...etc. I can't help but feel that she is the person I would have become if I wasn't so insecure and my life filled with problems. I tried writing her an email once, to tell her how much I like her, however, I never sent it and all I did was send her an e-card saying "Happy Valentines Day!". Not that I am shy or I am afraid of ruining my friendship with her, its that I have so much things in my life to deal with first (e.g. my low self-esteem). What kind of boyfriend would I make like this? Maybe all of this is just an excuse for not saying to her how much I like her. I am tired of being ashamed and embarrassed at my every failure. I want to one day look back and laugh at myself, because I have changed so much for the better. I can't just sit around waiting for my life to change on its own, I need to take charge of my own life. I need to develop goals and ambitions if I ever want to feel like I accomplished something important in my life. I need to improve myself for my own future and also for the sake of my family. I want to live a life with no regrets. I want to take a more positive outlook on life despite the negativity and pessimism that is hard to ignore at home. I want to boost up my self-esteem. I want to lose weight, not to impress a girl but to have a better self-image. I want to somehow earn the respect of my parents and my sister. Everyday might be a struggle to find faith and confidence in myself but there is a vague hope that one day I would have a successful life. Maybe then it would be much easier to attract a girlfriend.

When will I find love? I just came from home a wedding reception yesterday (it was my second cousin's wedding) and I can't help but think to myself through the night, "when will I set at the front of a great hall like this, alongside my true love and simply know I would be hapy for the rest of my life". I can't help but feel tears come to my eyes everytime I thihnk this and I would goaway to the restroom to dry my tears. I am the sort of person that is too shy for his own good. Sure at times, privately to myself I pride myself in being uncorruptable by such things as alcohol, gambling or partying. Most of the time, I feel a great amount of insecurity in my life, and my shyness is a result of this insecurity. What are my insecurities? The declining finances at home, the declining health of my mother, not having any close friends, the fact that I never had a job or a girlfriend before, and the general feeling of powerlessness I have from being unable to change any of this. It is hard to take pride in any skills I have at times, my insecurites greatly overshadow my every attempt to find something in myself to be proud of. I greatly want to feel comfortable with where I am in my life. Sure, I know that I would take more than finding love to fix all my insecurities. Sure I could put a greater focus on my health, uni (after uni a career) and maybe some or all of my problems will magically go waay. Its hard to imagine myself as the successful career type of person. No one seems to have faith in me and as a result its hard to find faith in myself. Maybe with a career, I would be more open to finding true love, instead of getting myself stuck in unrequited love like I am with a girl I know. My shyness, my feeling of being insecure and unsure of myself, I am tired of telling myself, this is simply who I am. I am tired of always finding shame and embarrassment at my every failure. I am tired of living my entire life not even trying to enjoy myself out of fear of being judged or of humiliating myeslf. No matter how hard things seem to get at times, I tell myself that there are plenty of people out there with a more messed up life than what I have. I want to lose weight, not to like "pick up chicks" or impress a girl, but to feel more comfortable with who I am. I want to improve my grades at uni, so I could have professional pride in my abilities. No matter how depressed I at times, I tell myself, stay the course, the grass is greener on the other side. With this girl I like, should I say something to her, although it seems she is not interested? At times, I think why not? At other times I think to myself, I don't take very rejection well, I would feel very hurt and take it very personally.

Will I ever tell her? I don't want one day to look back at this moment and feel that I never acted on my feelings. I am pretty sure she somewhat suspects my feelings for her (well, she isn't blind) but doesn't realise how strong my feelings are. To me, always hiding my feelings, it feels almost dishonest.At this point, I am comfortable merely being friends with her, but always at the back of my mind I will be always asking myself, "is this love?". Whenever I am with her, I don't have these feelings, I see her as another friend. When I am not with her I always think to myself "would this work out"? Will time allow us to grow closer as friends or will time slowly erode this friendship away? To tell her, it could ruin a perfectly good friendship. I want to tell her but I don't want anything to change. Of course, telling her would change her perspective of me. She would at least tell me something along the lines of: "you spend too much time thinking about me". At worst, she would sever this friendship and I would never see and talk to her again. Will I be open and tell her, or will I forever harbor my feelings for her and always silently screaming to myself in my head: "THIS ISN'T LOVE!". I want my feelings to be known, but I only want that because I don't know what to do with my feelings, not knowing what to do or say. At this point, telling her in writing, if she confront me face to face, I still wouldn't know what to say or do. The stronger my feelings grow for her, the more it would hurt if our friendship would end. Sometimes I tell myself "turn back before you are unable to turn back. Turn back before I get heartbroken". She is overseas now on holiday. Plenty of time to contemplate to myself, where is this leading? Is this love? Will she ever feel the same way for me? Will I be stuck forever holding back my feelings?

I wish I had more confidence and more self-esteem. I have said so a couple of times now on this forum. I want to be able to change myself for the better, however, most of the time it feels like I am unable to change at all. Normally I am a shy guy and a lot of people that know me has called me "shy". Sometimes it feels like any confidence I have is only a front to hide my "shy nature". Am I really gaining self-esteem and confidence or am I just merely covering up all my flaws and concerns with a front of confidence. Conversely, sometimes I feel that I not shy at all (e.g. around my friends or at home). Have I always been confident and proud, while all this confidence and pride was suppressed and hidden behind the face of a "shy guy"? My entire life there are plenty of disappointments and failures. Are all of these "failures" and "disappointments" a result of holding back all my confidence? At times I feel shy/reclusive/quiet while at other times I feel confident and proud of myself. Meeting this girl I like, never before have I wished for confidence and self-esteem. I would like to know, do I feel like I have changed? Everyone I meet, will it always be such an inner struggle to break out of my shy self to make a new friend? For me, it is easy making guy friends but when it comes to girls, I am extremely shy. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Sometimes it feels like I lack the will to do something useful with my life. My entire life, I would always think people are always holding me back. Now, having grown up, I come to realise that the person that holds me back the most is myself, not my parents (as I believed when I was younger). For example, my lack of career aspirations, how easily I get discouraged at university work (I am taking a difficult subject for uni next year, I initially thought it is going to be an interesting challenge)…these are a result of my lack of a strong will or lack of inititive. I want a stronger will. I want more inititive. I can't live my entire life having other people always telling me what to do (i.e. my family). Why does it feel like I have no goals? Am I putting all the concerns of my family (e.g. financial problems) above trying to develop my own personal goals? I need a positive influence in my life. At home, there is so much stress and negativity, yet I am extremely dependant on my family. How am I supposed to find faith and self-confidence in this situation? At one point, I choose this girl I like as this "positive influence". I mentioned somewhere on one of my earlier threads that I feel inspired by her. Does she really inspire me? I think she doesn't truly inspire me, if I feel inspired by her that is only wishful thinking. I want to feel inspired to do something useful with my life. No longer do I want to look 5 or 10 years into my own future and see nothingness. I want something to aim for, something to look forward to. Am I just going to sit around discouraged always looking for a sign to improve myself? Is this girl truly a sign for me to improve myself and become more independent or is this again wishful thinking?

Having grown up always being obedient, I don't have much inititive (i.e. I rarely make a decision to do things, I wait until someone tells me to do it). On the occasion I decide to do things although no one tells me, (e.g. like yesterday, deciding to wash the dishes myself because my sister just got home work tired) my little bit of help would either be criticized (like yesterday, I gave up on washing the dishes atnd let my sister wash the dishes "her way") or my little bit of help would go unnoticed. Everytime my mother or my sister argues with me, I want to tell them "I wish you would just accept me the way I am". I have a lot of bottled up anger and frustration that I would like to channel into something constructuve. I don't want all that anger and frustration to be sitting there so one day I wind up lashing out at someone. I want to have pride in the skills I have, instead of always believing that my skills are not good enough (hence, making me lose faith in myself). Telling my mother that I don't want to feel pressured into finding a job (she tried to set me up with a job) makes her think that I don't want to find a job and that she would think that I believe she is pressuring me. I wish I could tell my mother I to do things on my own, to learn to take control of my own life, instead of lettting her dictate my every move. Many lessons in life are self-taught through experience not handed down by her or from reading books or from school. Living a sheltered life doesn't give me much experience at anything. There is a limit to what I could learn from books or from my mother. All this I would like to tell my mother, but language is a large problem. My own language is no where as good as my english. As for my goals, I would like to find a job on my own. If I do get a job, I might take up martial arts to channel and control all my anger/frustration. I would like to lose more weight. I want to focus more on my studies (I am taking difficult subjects next year at uni). All this is my attempt to try to make myself more comfortable with who I am, to try to have something to be proud of. I don't want to feel like my mother or my sister are in my way. Its so hard trying to find faith in myself when no one else has faith in me. Its hard to try to look at life with a more positive perspective when my family that I am so closely connected to and so dependant on is full of negativity. I want to feel hopeful. I want to work out what I truly want in life, instead of always sitting around waiting for a sign to tell me what to do. However, there is large gap in stating what I want and doing what I want. I just want the self-confidence and the inititive to develop and pursue any goals I have. By the way, thanks for your replies. P.S. My sister is 4 years younger than me (16 years old). Also moving out is not an option. I am no where near ready, I am still too dependant on family.

I am tired of my life being controlled by others. From a child, my mother would be telling me how to speak, how to act, how to think...etc. Now, my mother is no longer as controlling, that role is taken up by my little sister. My every thought and opinionalways seems to be attacked by her. I usually don't like voicing my opinions at all. Why? Because they ALWAYS at odds with my sister. Why can't she accept me the way I am? In her mind, she probably have a set of standards she lives by. That doesn't mean I have to live to her standards. I want to live to my own standards and beliefs. In her mind, it is her duty to show me how wrong I am, otherwise I will never learn. She would argue with me over the most trivial of matters. I tell her that such arguments achieve nothing, yet she she is insistent on continuing the argument just to prove herself right. I don't want to hate my sister, but I do. Does she not realise that she is being hurtful to me by never accepting/respecting my opinions/thoughts? Everytime I tell her this, she accuses me of making myself look like the victim and she accuses me of putting words in her mouth to make it look like she is a bully. I am tired of always never voicing my opinions. She is being hurtful and she doesn't realise it. I am tired of having my opinions attacked. I am tired of all my words, opinions and thoughts amounting to nothing. She reminds me of "Marie" in "Everybody Loves Raymond". You can never convince my sister that she is wrong. The only time she will admit she is wrong is to let you do things "your way" so you can prove yourself wrong. In her mind, she is never wrong, and she probably believes that if she can't prove that you are wrong, you would prove yourself wrong. Never has she ever decided to lose an argument gracefully. Rarely do we ever agree on one topic. Her every sign of kindness to me is to prove to me of how much of a better person she is. Every time I try to do something kind, it gets criticized or it goes unnoticed. Rarely do I feel appreciated. Simple favors she asks for me to do (e.g. feeding the dogs, or washing the dishes) when I don't feel in the mood or too busy, giving up and following orders would get things done in contrast to standing up for myself (by saying "no") will cause unwanted tension. I am tired of living my life to someone else's demand/standards/beliefs...etc. I am tired of always giving up on my opinions just for the sake of avoiding an argument. She has no faith in me, she has no empathy or sympathy for me at all. Continuous attacks on my character will only weaken me, not strengthen me. To have my character attacked, it wounds more deeply then she will ever know. Does she not realise that her every attack on my character breaks my spirit not strengthens it? Choosing not to assert myself makes me feel my feelings and thoughts are unimportant. Choosing to stand up for myself creates unwanted tension and anger (which I usually bottle up inside). Must my every thought/opinion/judgement be crushed because of my sister's simply thinks she is right? Her sense of self-righteousness is always in opposition to my wish to be more assertive and more self-confident. I truly want to feel accepted and acknowledged for who I am. I want someone to have faith in me and encouragement instead of attacking me. I want to be more assertive. I want to be able to stand up for my own beliefs, instead of being dominated by the beliefs of others. I want to improve myself at my own pace, and to have encouragement instead of criticism. I always feel so voiceless, yet my every attempt to develop my own voice is to be crushed. This is how I always feel. Because of this, rarely do I argue with anyone (in fact, my sister is the only person I ever argue with). Because of this, I feel that I never have a strong opinion about anything. Also I can't help but feel embarrassed I would lose to my little sister. Of course, I could also ignore her opinions and feelings just like she does to me, but that isn't the right way to do things. P.S. It it is not surprising that my little sister would win every argument, I am not very talkative (and somewhat shy), while she is the captain of the school debating team and plus she has plans to study law at uni and become a lawyer. My mother used to be like this (not anymore because she is too tired and too stressed), and she would have a similar effect on me as well. (Re-Edited to remove some small typing errors, I am somewhat of a perfectionist)

There is so much tension and stress at home. My mother (and my sister) usually vent their stress often at home. All this stress makes me feel continuously tense and restless. All I want is a peaceful home life. Everytime I try to have a peaceful home life, it is always shattered by this venting of "stress". Because of this stress and tension, it feels that I am not being loved by my family. My family has problems. Stress is one big problem, another big problem is the worsening debts and the declining health of my parents. There is so much negativity, despair and pessimism at home. Why doesn't my family always criticize me instead of giving me love, support and faith? How can I ever build up faith and confidence in myself when my parents don't have much faith in themselves (let alone having faith in me)? Everytime my sister or my mother criticizes me, it makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. Rarely do I receive a simple compliment. Rarely when someone in my family asks for my help do they use "please" or "thank you". Although most of the weight the household is on my parents shoulders (especially my mother's), I just wish I felt appreciated for the small tasks that I could do from time to time. I feel powerless when I comes to resolving the issues that plague the family. Never feeling appreciated, never having someone having faith in me (let alone having faith in myself), never a kind word, I feel downtrodden and unloved. I guess I cannot blame my family, somewhere deep down behind all the stress and despair, they do love me and appreciate me, it is just that I never see that love and appreciation. Being the oldest child in the family (and lacking inititive due to my over dependance on my parents) it always seems that my family can't accept me for who I am, to the point that I too feel uncomfortable with who I am. I no longer want to feel unhappy and frustrated at myself. I want to feel at peace with myself. Staying dependant with my parents, my life will never improve. Alternatively, convincing myself that all my issues are unimportant, moving on and never looking back, that would cause me to be estranged from my family. In my mind these are the only two alternatives, there is no balance or compromise between improving myself and being loyal to family. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Very rarely do I feel genuinely happy, hopeful or inspired. All my previous posts saying that I have somewhat gained more "self-confidence" was just wishful thinking. Being shy, lacking ambition (career wise), and overly dependant on my family, it feels like my life is going no where. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own life, not my parents. I want to change myself for the better, but at my own pace. I don't want criticism, I want faith and support. I want feel what it is like to love someone and have them love me the same way in return. I want someone to acknowledge and accept me for who I am. I want someone to have faith in me, to support me at the low points in life and feel proud of me during my high points. I wish I was more ambitious. I wish I had more self-esteem. I wish I had a much more active social life and a more active love life. I wish I had respect, not only respect from others, but also respect for myself. Someone on this forum told me not to be too hard on myself. On the contrary, I always believe that I am not being hard enough on myself. I always believe that I am not self-disciplined enough. The gap between who I am now, and the kind of person I want to be, that gap seems as wide as the ocean. Extending this little simile, I feel like I am in the middle of this ocean, and there is no sight of land in any direction. Also sometimes I feel that when trying to change myself for the better, my old self is holding me back. I greatly need a positive role model. For a while now, meeting this girl I like, in my mind I decided she will be my role model. Is the reason why I think I am in love with her is because of my need to feel loved and to have someone acknowledge me for who I am? Is the reason why I think I am in love with her because I see my own potential in her? Will pursuing this girl make me happier or will it result in tremendous heartbreak and more emotional pain? I am shouldn't be spending my entire life, sitting around waiting for a sign to improve myself. Despite this, I took this girl I like as the sign I needed. Although I couldn't significantly change myself, one thing I am certain of is after meeting this girl, it made me aware of how lacking my life is. I truly feel unprepared to start a relationship with this girl, I wish I could resolve all my issues before I do so, but that would take a long time and she would have moved on by the time that happens. She is going overseas during this holiday, gives me plenty of time to think. Will my strong feelings for her remain just as strong when she returns? Is she my soul mate? I read somewhere on this forum that your soulmate shouldn't "complete" your life but enhance it. Am I try to start a relationship, would it turn out with her getting involved with all my issues, and dump me (making me feel lower then I ever felt before) when she finds that she cannot resolve my issues? Am I expecting too much from this girl I like? I know I am expecting too much. All the issues I have, I must resolve them myself, however I need a significant rapid change in my life to do so. P.S. Sorry that this post is long, I always have a lot on my mind and I want to get it all down somewhere.

Actually, I never had a relationship before, its just that fate has been unkind to me in other areas (e.g. finding a job). Fate doesn't exactly "intervene" when it comes to love, fate just doesn't give me an opportunity in the first place. Well this girl I like is the first opportunity fate has given me towards finding love. However, my lack of will, my shy personality, I don't want this opportunity to slip away and my feelings for her to turn into regret.

Something always holds me back from asking her out. I don't know what this something is. A good guess at what is "holding me back" is because I feel very unprepared when it comes to the "dating issue". I just hope I don't always feel "unprepared". If I always feel "unprepared", then my friendship with her will indeed "fade away". Asking her out, sounds like a simple enough idea, but a combination of feeling unprepared and fear of ruining the friendship always stops me.

Being friends with a girl you like and holding back all your feelings for her is kinda tough. Telling her my feelings I am pretty sure will ruin the friendship. Never saying a thing about my feelings will one day make me regret missing my first (and possibly my only) opportunity for finding love. If only I was her friend only for the sake of being friends (not because I had strong feelings for her), it would be so much easier. There are several times where I don't see her for at least half a week. In those times I find myself thinking things like: -Out of my feelings for her, do I see too much in our friendship? -Is she ignoring me? -Will I ever feel ready for a relationship or will she find someone else before that time? -I am not exactly someone who is teeming with charisma and personality. -If things don't work between me and her will I ever find love again? -And if I do find love again will I screw up again in the same way? -I begin to understand the heartbreak people feel when they have to break up, and I imagine what it would be like to break up with her -If it weren't for my feelings for her, would I have been friends with her in the first place? -If I don't see her for a while, will my strong feelings for her fade away to nothingness? I don't want my strong feelings to fade away into regret (regret that I lost my opportunity with her). __________________________________________________________________________________ I usually feel quite foolish after thinking thoughts like these. Upon seeing her, a simple smile from her easily erases all these thoughts away. Then, the next time I am by myself and I haven't seen her for a while, I think these thoughts all over again. There are some truth to some of these thoughts though. How much of my friendship with her is because of my feelings for her? At this point, I feel like I am not "boyfriend material". Girls seem to like guys that are very self-confident, something I am not. Sometimes when I talk with her, I sound somewhat needy. She knows that I never had a job before. To make conversation sometimes, she would give my advice on how to find work. I lack inititive when it comes to the career issue (actually I lack inititive in general). I guess this time (now the semester is almost over) it is going to be a lot longer than "half a week". She is going overseas for about a month and it will give me plenty of time to mentally torture myself about me and her (like above). It would be at least till mid January she is coming back. I haven't as yet seen her socially, only at uni. Trying to see her socially as a friend, well that gives her ample opportunity to actually work out how much I like her. Letting her know my feelings will change much, it could strengthen the friendship or it could utterly destroy it. This is a risk I am not willing to take. How do I keep myself from torturing myself until the next time I see her? Sometimes I feel like just telling her my feelings, expect the worst and try to move on.

Fate vs. Will. This topic is one of my favourite topics I sometimes discuss with myself. My experience/belief is that fate and will are quite opposite. Being shy/reclusive, I used to think that it is my fate to never find love, and I would need a stronger will to fight this fate. Also I used to believe that all my past disappointments was because of fate, and I need a stronger will to avoid/fight such "disappointments" in the future. Also another factor in why I believed that it was my fate to be single is no girls ever seem to have interest in me (not many girls talk to me). Now however, having met this girl I like, I believe that it is fate that I met her. Well, it is she that first talked to me, not the other way around (I am kinda shy to be the one to initiate conversation first). However, I lack the will to do anything about it and I find myself stuck in unrequited love. Also my lack of will sometimes makes me question my feelings for her and question my feeble friendship with her. Either way, I need a stronger will. Is fate setting me up for regret or setting me up with a soulmate ? At this point, my feelings for this girl is too strong. Thinking that I am in love, it is hard to believe that if she isn't "the one", the girl that is "the one" is still out there waiting. It is hard to believe that if things fail between me and her that I would be "one step closer to reaching my true soulmate". For all I know, the girl that is "the one" (if the girl I like now isn't "the one") could be out there already in a happy relationship. I hope I get a stronger will one day. If this girl isn't the one, then when I get a stronger will (one day), I hope that the girl that is my soulmate will be available for me.

Its just that I don't see her much. The only times I seen her are study sessions (exams are almost over now). As for seeing her "socially", that feels like a too strong a signal of the fact that I like her. Also, I have no idea what she thinks of me. I am not ready for a relationship and also I am also not ready to "fall out of love" with her. As for being merely friends with her, seeing her "socially", me showing signs of interest in her could significantly alter her perspective of me. I don't know, the more I think about this girl the more confused I get. I ask myself things like "what does she think of me?" and "are my feelings for her genuine?". The only way I can find answers to such questions is to tell her my feelings, which could change everything (which I won't be doing). I would feel so awkward if she knew my feelings for her, yet I don't want to regret not telling her my feelings. Which is the worse regret, not telling her feelings at all or (if I do start a relationship) get dumped? Getting "dumped" will hurt emotionally, while not saying anything at all would make me torture myself, always saying "why did I miss my opportunity" to myself (but it would hurt much less then being dumped). Of course, starting a relationship and keeping it is not completely outside the realm of possibility, it just doesn't look likely at times.

Sometimes I feel that if I "try something" (e.g. ask her out) it would make it clear to her that the real motive for my friendship with her is due to my affection for her. I just get frustrated sometimes trying to work out what she thinks of me. Does she view me as a friend? Does she know I like her and as a result holding back on the friendship? If she knew the full weight of my feelings for her will she avoid me or confront me? If she confronts me, how seriously should I take it? How seriously would she take me? I wish I had a clear answer to all these questions but the only way to find out is ask her (which I am sure things would be worse off then just me asking myself these questions).

In terms of finding love and finding a career, I feel like I am at the bottom of the food chain. Its a "kill or be killed" world out there. If you don't actively pursue the girl you like, someone else will. If you want to reach the very top of your career, you must be unafraid to step on some toes on the way up. If you don't go finding opportunities, opportunities will fly right past you. Yes, shy and nice people always seems to be left behind. Because of my shy/reclusive nature, that is how I feel all the time. I feel like I have missed so many opportunities. Yet, when a opportunity comes to me (instead of me finding the opportunity myself), I feel greatly unprepared and feel very indecisive. Well, the opportunity I am talking about here is, I think I am falling in love with a girl. I want to be in a relationship, but I greatly feel unprepared for it. I still lack the confidence to put aside all my fears and at least try to improve my friendship with her. However, I won't be telling her my feelings. Sometimes she is like a friend to me, other times she seems to just merely tolerate my presense. In this latter case, it is enough to plant seeds of doubt in my mind about my friendship with her. Must I be stuck unable to do anything because of my indecisiveness? I tend to literally over-analyse things so much that I refuse to make a decision. By refusing to make a decision, I lose my opportunity. I haven't talked to her for a while (since last week). I just hate it when I have nothing interesting to say to her. Will the only words I say to her be nothing but small talk (e.g. "Hi, what have you been up to?" or "How has your exams being going?")? If she does read my past threads and find how much I like her (she is a member too), I just wonder if she would avoid contact with me or will she confront me about it? In the latter case, what will I do? If only I could speak just as well as I could write. When writing on this forum, I am unafraid of expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I am even unafraid that the girl I like might read my threads (well, maybe I am a little afraid, I don't want my posts to ruin my friendship with her). If only I could talk the same way, unafraid of what people would think of my thoughts/feelings. I truly want more self-esteem and self-confidence. However, I don't want such confidence that I become a jerk. I don't want to one day, at a long hard look at myself and find that I don't like the person that I turned into. Confidence, self-esteem...these are qualities that aid people to excel. However these qualities are also the qualities that make people arrogant (i.e. become a jerk). ____________________________________________________________ Too long I have waited patiently for a change in my life. I await signs (and still waiting) for a chance to improve myself. Is meeting this girl a sign of how much I wish I could improve myself? Initially I thought: "Is the reason why I love her is because I see my own potential in her?". I greatly want to admit my feelings to her, however doing so could be disastrous for my feeble friendship with her. However, being indecisive, it feels like I am doing nothing to help my friendship with her. *Sigh* Growing up in a poor family, I lived my life to the motto "you can always despise what you can't have". With the girl I like, I can't do this. I can't fall out of unrequited love with her (tried it several times already, but can't do it). I want to feel loved. I want to someone that I could confide my thoughts and feelings with. Even if I do have such a person, I probably still don't be able to talk about my feelings/thoughts. I have trained myself for too long keeping my thoughts and feelings in. Its only on this forum that I am able to talk about my feelings. Is this the reason why I want to pursue a relationship? To feel loved? To have someone as a confidant to my thoughts? To have someone to be happy and proud of me for my achievements or to support me when I feel down? These things I don't even get from my own family. I can't confide my feelings/thoughts with my family/parents. That would really hurt my parents. They suffer much (over-worked) to give me and my sister an opportunity to live a better life then them. To have them know that we (me and my sister) suffer along side of my parents would hurt them. Sorry if this is too long, I have a tendency to write to much.

Ok, thanks for the prayers.

As much as I like this forum, I am going to stop venting. This will be my last vent for a while. occasionally I will visit from time to time but wont be doing any posting. I need to stop over-analysing myself. My every thread is analysing myself. I need to stop analysing myself and actually do something for myself. Just screaming my goals and dreams in my threads won't make them a reality. ______________________________________________________ Alright now to start venting: Are the words I put on this forum (i.e. my goals/dreams) are they nothing but a lame attempt to motivate myself (and also an attempt to improve my writing )? No, these words aren't a lame attempt to motivate myself. The words I put into my threads have much meaning to me, they are my most innermost thoughts and they describe exactly how I feel at the time I write that thread. If anyone that knows me read my threads they would probably think to themselves "Who is this guy? This isn't the guy I know". That is possibly because I suppress/hide my thoughts/feelings in real life. Yes, there is a significant difference between "VeryShyGuy" and who I am in real life. In my threads it sounds almost like I am trying to will myself into better things. In real life, I usually question that will. The girl I like, she asked my the other day if I am going to do a particular difficult subject at uni next year. This almost sounds like even she is questioning my will. I will do that difficult subject next year, but I need to rigorously prepare myself for it otherwise I will crash and burn. Sometimes I think to myself, where are all my past achievements? Where are all my memories of when I felt truly proud of myself? By venting on this forum, even if I am deluding myself, I like to believe that my best qualities are lying dormant inside of me, waiting to be released. I like to believe that all my past failures are only because I held something back not because I actually lack skill and self-confidence. _________________________________________________________________________________ With the girl I like, she probably sees me as more than an acquaintence, but less than a personal friend. At times she is friendly with me, lately it almost appears like she has a professional attitude with me. I am not going to rush in and admit all my feelings to her (I want to though). I am too shy to admit my feelings to her anyway (she might find out anyway by reading my threads, she is a member too). If she is not be interested in a relationship, I just hope at least she is interested in a good friendship. I value my friendship with her. I going to assume that she isn't going to read my threads anytime soon. That is the assumption I have made with some of my earlier threads. If I rush and tell her my feelings I run the likely risk of her attitude towards me becoming suddenly cold (or she would avoid contact with me). If I try to take things slowly, that would only work if I try to keep being friends with her. I have yet to meet her outside of uni (another reason why our relationship seems somewhat professional). _________________________________________________________________________________ Like I said I am going stop venting. Venting is only a passive attempt to improve myself. I need to be more active. I am going to exercise more, I found that losing weight isn't as hard as I thought. Hopefully from losing some weight I am able to use it as a tool to help me improve my self confidence. I am going back to doing situps and pushups every morning (I stopped a while ago because I had to come to uni early to complete assignments). I am going to take up an old hobby, playing the piano (I quit when my parents could no longer afford my lessons). I don't care if my sister gets sick of me playing the fur elise over and over. This is the best piece I could play but it is actually a couple levels above my actual level. I thought myself about a quarter of that piece, the rest is too hard (eventually I would work the rest out, I hope). I am going to make a genuine attempt at finding a job (any job, preferably casual, as I want time for other things too). I am not going to make it a half-hearted attempt like I have been doing in the past. This little goal here is going to be a little difficult for me, like I said once before, I cringe at meeting new people (the main reason why I never had a job before). For now, goodbye. I might post again in 1 or 2 months depending on how I feel. From writing on this forum, I have experienced multitude of feelings. At times I feel extremely emotional and can't help but shed some tears because so many of these suppressed thoughts are finally able to come out. Sometimes after venting my feelings, I feel like I never felt happier, never felt more alive and never felt more at peace with myself. Much of my feelings I have vented into my threads and much comfort I get from reading the replies. I am going to miss posting on this forum. Besides, I am running out of feelings/thoughts to vent about anyway. Well, bye and thanks for all the help everyone.

Ok, here is a quick summary of how I have been feeling for the last 12 months. Last year (yes, approximately 12 months ago), a guy sitting next to me teasingly/jokingly says that the girl (on the other side of room) likes me. I felt flattered at time, but didn't think much about it at the time. I don't know if that guy is teasing me or the girl is teasing me. At the beginning of this semester (its now near the end of the semester) I met that girl again and we became somewhat of acquaintences. Her intial interest in me seems to be that she was interested in making another friend. I got infatuated with her and I think I am still infatuated with her (or is it unrequited love?). I have been venting my goals/dreams/thoughts on this forum. In general I feel happier. Whether it is from her or from venting my own thoughts I don't know (possibly both). ___________________________________________________________ I can't help but feel that I am only a uni friend, a friend that she sees only at uni, not socially. Most of my conversations with her about our subjects (I have nothing interesting to say, run out of conversation ideas) and the conversation would usually end with me wishing her luck on her assignments/exams..etc. This creates somewhat of a professional attitude I think. My feelings for her seems to go up and down. Sometimes I feel like falling out of love with her. I never felt like this for a girl before, falling in love unexpectedly and feeling unprepared for it. Also, tring to fall out of love is something I am feel unprepared to do as well. Sometimes when I am feeling confident, she seems to withdraw a little. Small things like: When she says goodbye to me at uni (i.e. its time to go home), I decide to go home as well (we catch the same train). Upon hearing that I am going home also, she would change her mind and stick around at uni a little longer (i.e. I go home by myself). Am I holding back or is she holding back or both of us? Well, I am definitely holding back my feelings of her. Is she holding back because she merely wants a platonic relationship and nothing more? Maybe I am just guilty of over-analysing. _____________________________________________________________ When I am depressed I finding that I have been overestimating my feelings for her and overestimating my friendship with her. I feel like trying to fall out of love with her. I tell myself that if she isn't the one for me, one day I would find someone just as special that I would love just as her. However this line of thinking always makes me unable to "fall out of love". The other day, when I was feeling depressed and thinking that there barely isn't any friendship there. I took this as a sign that she is a friend (at least). _____________________________________________________________ Initially, my thoughts are like this: As much as I like this forum, I don't want this forum to be a substitute for actually admitting my feelings to her. I feel so strongly for her, yet our conversations around each other is bordering on casual and formal (well, my conversations with her is like that). She on the other hand, sometimes has something funny/interesting to say, and its moments like this that I love her the most. If I try to fall out of love, then one day I might curse myself for it. If I admit my feelings to her now and things go badly will I one day look back and think "at least I tried" or will I have a deep feeling of regret for the rest of my life? I think it is only because of the fear of losing her forever that I want to admit my feelings to her. I rather to admit my feelings to her instead of admiting my feelings this forum. However, the things that hold me back are: -fear of rejection -fear of a ruined potential friendship -fear of creating a reputation for myself (word would get around uni relatively quickly) -shyness ____________________________________________________________ Now: Strangely, venting all my feelings for her on this forum lessed my infatuation. Is that supposed to happen? Everytime I vent on this forum, my infatuation lessens a little, but everytime I see her again, my infatuation is renewed. Is all my feelings for her an illusion? Are my feelings for her just simply something that I store up so that I just wind up venting it all out on a forum instead of telling her? I feel greatly vexed that my strong feelings that I had for her are greatly weakened by venting. Is the reason why I like her is because of my wish to feel what is like to be in love? Is the reason why I like her is because of my wish to have a close female friend? Am I in love with her or am I in love with an idea that of simply "being in love"? Is the reason why I like her is because she seems to be a positive influence on me? Am I in love with her in the hope that she could make me happy? Am I in love with her because I am somewhat grateful that she "accidentally" introduced me to this forum (i.e. I saw her visiting this forum and she didn't notice me looking at her) thus helping me come to terms with my own problems? Am I in love with her because she (unknowingly) made me look upon life with a more positive attitude? Many goals I have put onto this forum. Do I love her because I see my own potential in her? Sure, sometimes I have my doubts about my feelings for her, only to have the same feelings re-ignited later on when I see or hear her. Is this one of those times? Usually in times like this (i.e. times where I haven't seen her for at least half a week) I try the "falling out of love" approach but only to find that I am too reluctant to do so (I might not ever fall in love again, she is one in a million). Despite my infatuation dying out, I still like her very much and I HATE doubting my feelings for her like this. I don't want to ever doubt my feelings for her ever again (same thing I always tell myself after I stop trying to "fall out of love"). I still do have strong feelings to her, but the time interval between when I see her or talk to her, the more I either feel: 1. worried that the friendship might fade and I turn to this forum and talk/vent 2. try to put this friendship behind me and focus on my own life more I guess my overall question is: Is my doubting my feelings for her something that would pass or go away? I don't want to doubt my feelings for her. P.S. Sorry for the number of Re-edits, I am somewhat of a perfectionist. Also, sorry if this is a little long, I found it hard to split this thread into smaller threads.

What a coincidence! I just bought "Les Miserables" shortly before I started this thread. I plan on reading it later tonight .

Interesting. Two people recommending the same book (it must be good then). Any other recommendations? For now, I am going to at least look up book reviews about "The Alchemist".

I want to feel inspired. For a while now, I have been wanting to improve myself and do something that will have a positive impact on my life. Despite this, I have been somewhat complacent. I am looking for a good novel to inspire me. To want to read a deeply moving book that I can't help but shed tears at how much I can relate to the protagonist of the story. I want to read a book that beautifully describes the struggles/hardships of the main character and also beautifully describes their inspiring ability to fight on in the face of adversity. I want a book that would make me think, such that it would get me thinking more clearly about my own life. Does anyone have any good ideas for such a book (I know, the criteria here is kinda long)? P.S. Just a side thought. I also want a book that isn't too difficult to read.

I am not sure where to post this thread, some of the material fit in "Dating for Shy People", some fit into "Personal Growth" and some could also fit into "Health: Body, Mind and Spirit". Well, that has been the case for all my threads, they could fit into many many categories. I have been venting my feelings on this forum for a while and I want to keep venting some more. By venting I somewhat unburden my thoughts that plague my mind for a long time. As for the girl I like, eventually she might find my threads on her own, for now I am going to make the assumption that she doesn't find my threads. Well here goes: The Girl I Like She is beautiful in everyway, from her looks to her personality I find her beautiful. To forever stuck unable to express my feelings to her would be a major regret and a continuous torture for me. Sometimes I feel that there might be other guys as well that in the same position as me, they like her alot but she only maintains a platonic relationship with them. There must be, she has a very likeable personality. I am always finding that I cannot tell her feelings directly to her, face to face (lack of confidence in my own voice). To counter my "lack of confidence in my voice" I have been venting my feelings on this forum, and finding I am getting some positive feedback. I want to be able to express my feelings to her in writing but still I am afraid it might ruin the weak friendship (weak in comparison to her guy friend that she is often around with). Although she has a good friendship with this guy, I REFUSE to view him as a competitor. I once told myself that a friend of hers is a friend of mine. I intend to keep this promise. If it is her on this forum, she says that she dislikes dating a friend and finding when she ends the relationship it ruins their friendship (hence she is not interested in a boyfriend at this time). I find with my situation, by admitting my feelings to her I would ruin MY friendship with her. But if I don't admit my feeling to her, I see myself torturing myself for the rest of my life. I am not basing this purely on what I think is her on this forum (I still feel a guilty about reading her reads, if it is her. I will try to put that guilt behind me). I am also basing in what I see as well. She tends to make friends with many guys at uni and becomes good friends with them, not a sign that she is in a relationship with one guy. I truly value my friendship with her, although this friendship isn't as strong as I wish it is, I will always treasure it. I feel so much for her, yet she only sees me as a friend. If she isn't interested in a boyfriend, thats ok, I never had a female friend before and I would like to at least be good friends with her.

Thanks, I feel a little flattered that I have a fan I am in a much better mood now. I wonder how she would feel if she read my threads (i.e. the girl I like)?

Trying to Improve Myself Pain. To be able to improve yourself is being able to learn from your pain. Everywhere I go and everything I read is about people learning from their mistakes and painful experiences. What if some of this pain you unintentionally inflict on yourself? For example: "I sometimes break my own heart imagining my first heart break". Does it work the same way as well? Will I be able to learn from my own "unintentionally" self-inflected pain? My Ugly Side, my Overly Defensive Personality Everyone has an ugly side, even me. A friend told a while ago that I had a defensive personality. After reflecting (later on) on what he said, it is true, I am too defensive. In the past, when ever someone makes a joke about me, I find that I cannot laugh along in the spirit of good humor. I feel offended and insulted. Of course, I suppress such feelings and try to laugh along. Upon finding that I can't laugh along, I turn my back on them. Because of this, I have lost one or two friends in the past and also prevented me sometimes from making new friends. Now, I still have that defensive personality, except I am not suppressing my feelings as much. Just yesterday, a friend played a little practical joke on me (same friend that said I am defensive). I was a little joke and it shouldn't have bothered me. Yet, I was so defensive that I chased him down, clenched my fist and if I didn't restrain myself, I would have punched him in the face with everything I got. The last thing I want is to be hurtful. What makes it a little worse is that the girl I like was there also. I really HATE my defensive personality, particularly in situations like this. I truly want to be able to laugh at myself even if it is along with someone else, yet my defensive personality holds me back. Voicelessness Too long I have been silent, to the extent that my voice seems to have diminished. Sometimes I daydream, dream about what it would be like to be completely opposite of who I am now. I sometimes dream of what it is like to sing to an audience without a microphone, and have my poignant words move them. I dream of what it is like to hold myself with composure, and having such a presense that it feels like I own the stage and the audience. I dream of being able to make people happy (through my music). Sometimes I wish that anything I cannot say in real life I would like to say in writing. I would like to tell her my feelings, but I seem unable to tell her to her face. At a time I thought I could tell her via this forum. However what I should be able to do is tell her to her face. Whether I tell her my feelings in real life or via this forum, in doing so it would be the most daring thing I have ever done in my life. To admit my feelings to her is like jumping in the deep end of the pool, trying to teach myself how to swim and at the same time hoping I don't drown. Lack of Social Skills and Other Important Skills As a child, always made to sit still, be silent and focus myself on my studies. Growing up, I find myself wishing to be more active physically and socially. Confidence, self-esteem, social skills....things that cannot be learnt in the classroom or by paying a tutor but though life experiences. As a result of having a overly-protected life, I don't have much experience in anything, thus the low confidence, low self-esteem and low social skills. For now, I wish I had more social skills. I am not exactly known for my quick wit or quick tongue. Usually in social situations, I find my friends talking to their other friends. As for me, I would be a little left out and the most I could do is occasionally say "what are you guys talking about?". When I find that they are talking about something I don't know much about, then I won't be able to join in their conversation at all. Another thing is my lack of judgement. I don't like to judge people, nor do I like people to judge me. My experience is that everytime I try to make judgements about someone (especially my sister) they feel very offended. I don't want to offend anyone nor do I want to feel offended. The Girl I Like For this girl, she has qualities that I wish I had (i.e. she has a personality quite different from my own). Would someone with such a different personality be able to relate to me? My greatest wish/dream is to meet a girl that I could share these very thoughts that I have been putting on this forum. I want a girl that I could share a piece of my soul with, a girl that has a similar spirit to me and a girl that would support me in the low points of my life and be proud of me at my high points of my life.

I tend to write well only when writing about a topic I know well and nobody knows me as well as I know myself. As for creative writing, I am not very creative. Poetry? I am no good at poetry, I used to be just ok at analysing poetry in high school though (forgot all about it by now). No, I have never considered a career in writing. To suddenly change fields, in my mind is like giving up on the field I am in now. I don't want to make a habit of giving up. However as for writing on this forum, I am finding myself enjoy writing the more I do it. I am also finding myself more proud of my writing, I wish I could tell my friends about my writing here, but some of the stuff I write here is very personal. For now, I have still many things to vent on this forum. Everyday, going to uni (45 min walk to train station plus 45 min train ride), I think about these issues that I post on this forum. It used to be that in this time I would read a book, or simply daydream. But now I finding that in this time I am thinking about myself and about my own life. Finding myself feeling emotional while thinking to myself, I also feel that I have to put my thoughts somewhere (i.e. on this forum). That is the reason why that I am venting almost everyday.