Carnatic

There is a lot of arguing going on in respect to your situtation. Brush aside all the theorising and take some action, the time to ask her out is now. You've known her for 2 months and become quite close, starting hanging out, she may well be waiting for you to ask her out. It is true that you run the danger of becoming too much like a friend, but if a girl takes an interest in a guy, just like that, like what she did then chances are it wasn't just friendship she was after. If she wants you to ask her out then you have to do it now. As for metallicaguy's ideas of playing girls and stuff, that's no good if you aren't a player, you have to be yourself. You can't be a shy, nice guy and pretend you be a bastard... I'm not sure what relevance this has to your life but something related was mentioned in this post.

It sounds to me like your only problem is separation, you say you never have problems when you are together. If that's the case then seperating even further could be a bad idea, putting more strain on your relationship. How old are you both and how did you meet? maybe you should try harder to see eachother, or start looking forward to the time when you can be closer to eachother, when you leave school or something.

Not what i wanted to hear, but it's what I felt in my gut; and this is the reason why I use these forums rather than ask my mates. Just best I suppose that I accept now that she isn't interested rather than pursue her and end up developing strong feelings towards her. Thanks mate, I'm sure I'll eventually find a girl that is interested in me, and more importantly that I'm interested in too.

Better than a diet or a rigourous exercise regime is a smaller change of lifestyle, that way you'll eventually be able to keep you weight down your whole life effortlessly, because you'll be used to it. Also it's better for you than diets which often cut out important food groups and only work in the short term and rigourous exercise which is hard going, demoralising when you don't see instant effects (which you won't) and risks strain. I would suggest that if you eat between meals then stop, eat a balanced diet of 3 meals a day and remember breakfast is the most important, especially when you will be exercising. Choose the right kinds of food, normally low in fat, the sorts of foods that jump out as being healthy like mediterranean and stir-fried, but don't deny yourself treats like a cake or something fatty once a week or so. You'll feel hungry at times but learn to accept it as a sign you are doing well. Also get your parents to stop buying snacks, biscuits and the like, the best way to avoid temptation is for it not to be there to begin with. As for exercise, do it in steps. Start walking when making short journeys. Take up a sport such as badminton or hockey, you'll enjoy the social side of it enough to keep it up. Also I would recommend at least twice a week, doing something more vigourous like going for a run or a swim. The weight loss will be slow, but effective, and won't just pile back on when you stop, because you won't stop. Also remember you are young and will probably lose a little bit of the wieght through growing up. Your body will also respond much faster to a change like this at your age. good luck Carnatic

I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Writing about things makes it easier though as I usually have difficulty getting situations clear in my head. There's a girl I'm interested in, in my department at Uni. I met her nearly 2 months ago at a social, but we haven't had many since. She is also in a different year to me so I maybe only see her about once a week. When I first met her, I got the impression that she might be interested in me, trying to look for the signs you often hear to look for like touching her hair, biting of the bottom lip, leaning into me and staying talking to me, even though there were lots of other people around on the social. The problem is that I'm shy enough as it is, without the fact I only see her occasionally and usually when one of us is on our way to a lecture. We'll stop and talk for ten minutes or so, but sometimes all I get is a smile and a wave, and when we do talk I find it difficult to move from small talk and asking questions about her. I never feel like it's the right moment. I feel that if she ever was interested in me then she is losing interest, or beacuse I'm shy she doesn't think I'm interested. A couple of times I've made suggestions; once that I was typing an essay in the cafe till late, and she could maybe pop round and see me after her lecture; but she didn't. Then we were organising a department social and I rang her to invite her, but it was too late notice. Just recently I was talking to her after lectures and asked if she wanted to take a break from work to go get a coffee, but she said she had too much to do. Am I to take these rejections as a sign she definitely isn't interested? I don't want to do anything blatant like ask her out, as my mates are saying I should do, because I've been rejected so many times, both by girls in clubs I made a move on and by girls like her that I've got to know a bit better first, and it never stops to hurt and knock my confidence. I'm 22 and I've never had a girlfriend and only had one kiss, which meant nothing. I often wonder, maybe if I wasn't so shy and inexperienced I would notice more if there are girls take an interest in me. But I never know what to do. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer. Carnatic

JynX is right, you don't stand much chance if you are trying too hard and if you want a girlfriend too badly. I feel the same way. It's a difficult situation, because you friends will say, just forget about trying, don't worry and it will come when you least expect it, but putting this into practice is difficult. I'm constantly on the look out for girls, and I can see, with my mates, that the ones that get girls are those who aren't really bothered either way, but in our situation that's almost impossible. I'd say try and make it as obvious as possible that you have many varied interests and take time just every now and again, when the opportunity seems right, to talk to girls, following JynX's advice. yours Carnatic.

Everyone is different, but the most difficult part for me is having a reason to go and start talking to a girl, I'm scared of it being obvious that it's cos I like her. So I find it much easier as part of a club, where you can talk to girls about something to do with the club. Once you do that you just have to try and keep her interested in the conversation, make her laugh every now and again, and talk about the things you know she is interested in. Unfortunately I don't have any advice beyond this for you.

Sounds like she wants the security of a stable relationship with you, but doesn't want to give up sleeping around. As far as you are sure that what you have written here is true then you really should dump her. It's for hte best, It may hurt to do so, but you'll retain your pride and it must hurt now, the way things are.

yeah it might be shyness, but really don't get your hopes up, you have to ask him yourself and get it out of the way before you risk losing your friendship.

agree totally with joe. And another thing, looks aren't as important as confidence once you get past about 19.

I think fantasia put it much more elegantly than me. To answer talo, what I said was people who are feeling insecure, are often most insecure about the fact that people will see them as insecure. And if you can't stop thinking about it, it won't ever go away, that's not to say it's easy to just stop thinking about it. And I should clarify that all we can do here, is talk about it to make us feel better, I don't profess to be able to just wish it away. I think that this post has outlived it's usefulness now though.

The point I was making is that you will find it very difficult to just be happy if you do care what people think of you and spend time looking at yourself critically. Defining yourself isn't necessarily a good thing, you may become obsessed with defining yourself instead of just happy with how you are. If you are insecure, it looks bad to others, you seem neurotic, may make people dislike, this is ironic considering the nature of insecurity, and complicates it somewhat. To become less insecure you have to change you whole mindest, and not think about your 'definition' as much. Now don't make me descend further into nonsense

Was thinking about the whole issue in work today. Asked myself why I was worried that people didn't like me when I know they do, which is how this post started and came to the conclusion; why do I care what people think anyway? I'm sure that I don't need to care, all I need is my own happiness and I'm worried that most of what I do is targeted at affecting what people think. This is bad, as it is selfish, and I'm maybe not as decent a person as I though. It is also a personality trait that I may not be able to stop. Like I'm trapped in this way of thinking. I even worried that the girl i've been interested in, I was only interested is because all my mates though she was stunning and she would make me look good. I really don't want to believe that that is true. So yeah I'm thinking about it too much but I want to share it with you, and I think my conclusion will help. Attempts to 'get over' your insecurity will be self defeating if the reason you want to improve is that you don't like the way it makes people see you. You have to just want to be happier in yourself. This will just happen, we can but hope. OK that sounded so pretentious. I don't want to make it sound like I have a disease or anything.

Whatever you do, don't make a move on her. Chat, as usual, and take your cousin and her brother along. There presense is a good thing because it will loosen the atmosphere and give you something in common to talk about. Don't look at it as a date, just (to give some obvious advice) be yourself. But still flirt gently, give her your attention. flatter her, talk about the things you know she likes, make her laugh. Try not to be pushy, or over-attentive. Then when you separate, ask if she'd like to meet up again, just the two of you, in say a week's time. Don't be insecure about insignificant things like who has the better car etc. Just put the other guy out of your mind, he doesn't exist, I certainly won't benefit you to compete with him because she wants you to give your attention to her, not the competition. Don't rush in, leave it till the end of the second proper date before you kiss her on the cheek. And don't make plans ahead of your time like you are doing. Just relax, and go with the flow. Oh... and good luck!

Many of us on this board will be quite insecure, that is the root of our problems with the opposite sex. It would be good if we could share our experiences of it, maybe help eachother to get over it, because it's not easy. For me, insecurity is like a madness. I know that always thinking people don't like me is irrational, especially when I know that I do quite well in social situations, usually making people like me and bringing people together. Somehow though, I am plagued by this insecurity, and believe it or not, I can get quite insecure about the insecurity itself. Thinking, people don't like me because of my insecurity. With girls I am confident and outgoing up until the insecurity kicks in, often when something gives me a slight thought that she may not like me; even if this something doesn't come from her but from something somebody else says, such as 'I'm not sure if she's that interested in you'. And then, even when I can see that she hasn't changed towards me, I will become pessimistic and negative, and often put her off me. It's mad because I alway know that it is irrational to behave in this way, but I am compelled to do it anyway, it is self-destructive. It's almost as though I prefer being lonely and depressed. I wonder if I can get over it, or if I'll just have to always live with it; and what part of my upbringing and social life as a child or teenager made me insecure. I wondered if anyone else had similar... or different experiences of insecurity, how they cope with it or how they got over it. yours Carnatic

talk about the things she's interested in, it's easy to talk about things you don't know anything about because she can tell you about them and you'll learn and may become interested in something.

I think people are looking at this too much in the sense of two extremes. Like there is nothing between the smartly dressed guy in a suit and a total slob. dikaia was right, there are clothes that are casual, but look nice and look like you've made an effort

around that age you would have been taller than all the boys, it's not until about 15 that the boys overtake the girls in height.

Or just ask him out next time you see him., that way you'll know

the reason guys can dress down is that it's a masculine thing. Women like to see a guy who doesn't mind getting a little roughed up, because it's what men are good at. Dressing up for a night out is a completely different thing, that's about showing you've made an effort. The two shouldn't be compared in this way, guys will do both.

you're 17, most of the girls who've replied are 15ish. At this age looks are definitely the major deciding factor, because the girls your ages haven't matured as people, they're just going around looking for the best looking boys they can find. Throughout my whole time in high school not one girl would look at me twice. But after about 19 girls mature, and confidence eventually will become the overriding factor. By about 23 confidence will have just about replaced looks, and a confident guy will be just as attractive as a good looking guy. Guys on the other hand never mature in this way.

well first offf you need to say what signs she is giving you.

when she said it's ok if you don't, she was being coy. trying to tease you into calling her. Don't overdo it though, girls like being chased, but the person doing the chasing loses all their sexiness. And then don't arrange anything for Friday, if she says she knows where to find you she'll be there, just turn up, a little late and surprise her. BTW I hate text flirting, takes all the excitement away, just my opinion, but try to move beyon texts before too long. so in one phrase... call her. make it between the hours of 7 and 8, any later and it seems too much like you are pressuring her to 'pillow talk'

wlfpack start your own topic. Case in point. I know loads of guys who aren't really that good looking. But I was jealous of them, because I thought they were good looking as they seemed to be quite successful with the women. It's only now that I realise that many of them aren't as good looking as me and what made women see these guys as good looking was their confidence, they all either believed they were good looking, or simply didn't care. Girls can see confidence in a guy from accross the room just as easily as they can see good looks.

You do need to be more confident though. I don't presonally have any problems with height, I'm 5'10" I'm quite attractive too, yet for whatever reason I'm not very confident and have massive problems attracting girls. I know height means a lot to girls but there a lot of things (even without going into personality traits) that are more important. The best thing to do is just to try and force yourself to be confident. And be funny, joke about your height, like it doesn't matter to you, girls will love that, they might even then see your height as an advantage. Best of luck mate.