cranberry

Hey Thanks for the replies guys. Yeah I tend to gravitate towards the two extremes: caring a lot what other people think of me OR not caring at all. When I catch myself in the former, I'm just reallllly quiet, but in the latter I am so loud--sarcastic, quirky sense of humour. What's kind of ironic, is my best friends say that what they love about me is that I am so "carefree" and that when they're with me they feel so at ease. I think a lot of it has to do with that I still need to feel comfortable in my own shoes, and accept that my quirkiness or whatever is me and I can't exactly help it.

Sometimes when I'm looking back on my day or a recent event, I can't help but pinpoint things I might have done wrong. For example, something I said may have offended someone, something I said made me look like an idiot (when it (obviously) was not my intent), etc. I could also think back about just certain looks other people may have had on their face or the way they say something, and it just gives me a bad feeling inside--even though (in actuality) there really is no validity for me feeling that way. For instance, I stopped into my work today to talk to a friend, and my other friend was there too, and she said Hi--but the way she said hi just gave me a bad feeling. And I started to think, Did I do something wrong? When obviously I didn't do anything wrong. And when I got home, I realized I forgot to say hi to my other coworker (a young guy), and I almost felt like calling work and saying, "Hi", b/c I forgot, and I don't want him to think I was conceited or something. (Because one time, when the guy and I were working, a former coworker who came in didn't say hi to us and we thought the same thing). Right now I'm feeling better, but while I was driving home I was rehearsing all that just happened in my head. How can I stop thinking like this? Does anybody else do this?

Generally I feel like I am a good person. My best friends tell me I have a great heart. I also have a sarcastic/witty sense of humour and thus love to make people laugh. Due to past experiences (early highschool years) I feel like a lot of people are too concerned with themselves to give a * about you. Sure they may pretend to care, but in the end I was left disappointed and hurt. I understand that sometimes people are going through their own changes in their life, and they don't necessarily mean to hurt you, but nonetheless it still hurts. I'm close to my parents and my best friends, and perhaps I appear a little closed off to others. In highschool I was pretty shy mostly because I was insecure with my body. Last year I started working out and now I am very happy with how I look. I also receive a lot more complements/attention, and as a result I finally am confident with myself (well I'm almost confident with myself...still a little insecure sometimes). A lot of people tell me I look nice, sweet, etc. and I suppose I do, but I know that it is not entirely true. I am nice & sweet, but it's almost like I have an ugly side too. I can act quite cold (i.e., ignore them) sometimes to people I don't like, but it's not intentional. For example, one of my coworkers (a girl younger than I) comes accross as oh-im-so-friendly, but she's actually quite immature and in my opinion (and a whole lot of others' opinion) comes off as annoyingly fake. Unintentionally, I've been giving her the cold shoulder I guess (i.e, giving her short answers when she asks me all the polite how are you questions), and now from what I hear she thinks I'm really rude...I know it's not fair of me to act this way, and because of this experience I plan to learn from it and fix my behaviour. Yet another thing that has been bothering me is at work, I used to serve this cute customer all the time and we would always flirt a little. This was when I was still pretty shy and new at work. He's actually kind of old, maybe early 30s. One day he came in, and I was having an off day and he obviously heard/saw me arguing with one of coworkers (maybe a 2 min argument) and I was really ticked off, but I was out of line. So he finally saw my ugly side, and I feel just horrible about it. I didn't see him for a long time, but recently I've seen him come in a few times, and it's probably all in my head, but I always think he thinks I'm a nutcase or something. He doesn't even look at me anymore and while he used to smile, now he just keeps this straight face. I didn't have a crush on him or anything, but I feel like he once thought I was this sweet little shy girl and now since I've "grown-up" (lost weight, gained confidence) that maybe I appear snooty or something, I don't know. (Snooty not just to him, but even to other people that don't know me). I was also thinking that maybe he's embarrassed that he was flirting with someone as young as me (the argument I had with a coworker revealed my age coincidentally--a lot of ppl think I am older)... ...Well, if you've read this far I really appreciate it. But frankly I don't exactly know what I am asking here, but if you can offer some sort of advice that would be great...

Thanks Kevin and DT for the quick replies. So for future reference, how do I turn down a guy?

If a guy asks you out, and you are not interested in anything more than a friendship, can you still accept the date and say we could go as friends? Or is it "better" to just turn down the whole date? I'm asking because I met this guy in one of my classes--well actually he met me, he just sat down next to me and started talking. Today I think he was hinting at asking me out--he asked my plans for the weekend and I said I had to work. I can tell he likes me (because of other things), but I don't feel the same way. I enjoy talking with him, but I just don't feel it.

Well I wrote about this same guy around last year--here's the post: Anyway, he's doing it again. I'm seeing him around campus, he smokes infront of my buildings at the doors where I enter--precisely at the times I have class. And he stares at me too. So I want to say something to him, but what should I say? I'm not going to give him my number. I want to say hi or should I say something more? Should I semi- cop-out and just ask him if he has the time? See I don't really know what he is doing. Why stand outside my buildings (all the time...mostly last semester) and just stare at me while I approach the door? Thanks.

Hi Lily04, Last year I had a very similar experience. I was having trouble thinking of a thesis for a paper, so I went to my prof for help. He was extremely friendly, and during my office visit all of his attention was on me as he was trying to help me think up ideas for my thesis. Later I decided to drop the course, but I went to his office again to discuss it. Once again he was very nice, and he tried to convince me to stay, but in the end when I decided to go ahead and drop it anyway he kindly wished me luck in my future. This prof was in his 50s, and I could easily have interpreted his behaviour as flirting if I had a crush on him, but I did not have a crush on him and thus I interpreted his behaviour as friendliness. He was a professor very passionate about his subject, and he couldn't help but to share this passion with his students. Nonetheless, if you think he is flirting a little (i.e., he checks you out) he probably is. Yet I also think that a lot of (older) men perhaps without purposively meaning to, flirt a little bit with younger women without necessarily liking them as potential relationship partners. In highschool I had a male teacher who did that to me. Also, the other day some of my coworkers pointed out individual (older) male customers that were flirting with me, and I hadn't even noticed until they pointed it out. Just some of my thoughts. Hope it helped. -cranberry

LOL. It does make a funny story. I told it to my friends--they all had a good laugh (and so did I). I'm not dwelling on it though. It gives me a little experience--trying to talk to guys at least. Thanks, cranberry

*Update* Well I went to his work today. First, I almost bumped into him when i was looking for his boss. And he's just like, "Hey". And i kinda froze. And then he was waiting for me to say why I was there. So I blurted out, "I'm here to pay... my bill." And he's like ok, and we went into the office and he did the computer stuff. It was ultra silent. So I complimented him on what he did the week before for me, which saved me money. And I don't think he knew what I was talking about, b/c he just kinda paused and stared right at me. I went into more specifics, and then he remembered. Yeah so basically this was a complete disaster. He was friendly, but it was customer-friendly. I think I surprised him too much by coming in maybe. Or maybe he finally realized that I am too tall for him.

Hello, Well I am about 5'7. I don't consider myself tall, more like medium height. Some days I feel short though--I think b/c I slouch more on those days maybe? The guy I'm crushing on right now is a little shorter than me--maybe 5'5/6. And I thought it would bother me, but it doesn't. I actually didn't even think about it, until I made myself think about it (when I saw this question about height come up). Also, like some other posters above mentioned, I think the notion about feeling "safe" with a guy comes more from how much the guy treats you than his height. If the guy respects me/treats me well, gives equal eye contact, I feel safe. Yet ideally, I like a taller guy so I can wear heels, but I usually wear flats anyway. It doesn't bother me if I am a little taller than the guy, but if I am a lot taller than a guy then I feel a little uncomfortable. The only thing that bothers me, I have to admit, about my crush right now is that he is a little smaller than me. I mean his build is a tad smaller than mine. I don't think I am fat, but I have hips and a butt where he has none, lol. Not that I would expect a guy to have bigger hips than I do, but do you see what I mean? Do guys care about that?

Yeah I have the same opinion ^^... And Fatkid, My whole family are customers there and have been for a long time (yet I'm the new customer) so we know the boss well. If he asked me out while he was at work, the boss would not care. But I still gotta work myself up to that, lol.

Hey Belle, You spelled out my problem right down to the tee. I always think of my crushes as potential boyfriends, it puts the pressure on, I clam up, and nothing happens. The worst part is at times I often pretend like I don't like them, b/c I'm afraid they might think I like them--which is supposed to be the whole point! Thanks for everyone's advice. I have to drop in at his work in a week or so. I just hate the feeling I have right now. Last time I saw him there were so many chances to be a little flirty...argh...and now I have to wait til next time.

Well I wouldn't say that I'm shy in general. My coworker told me the other day that she thinks I'm not afraid of anything. I'm not afraid of a lot of things, I often take the initiative, but when it comes to guys I like, I get weak in the knees. (By the way me and this guy do not work together. And I wouldn't call him shy...he's pretty confident.) I'm not going to ask him out. Sorry to all those who suggested it...well at least not yet anyway. But I am going to start saying hi to him, next time I have to go in. He tries to talk to me a little bit, but my mind just goes blank and I give short answers, and then I just end up staring at him, lol. I have to stop doing that! When I know a guy likes me, sometimes I wish they wouldn't like me so I wouldn't have to feel so jittery. I should probably stop that too.

I don't want to go into specifics (in case "he" ever read this...I know it's an extremely slim chance but just in case). Anyway...Basically there is this guy I like and he does a kind of maintenance service for me once in a while. I think he likes me because he does extra little things for me in the service (either that or he's really nice), he always shows up where I am when I come in and he becomes more animated (i.e., he laughs more), and I can just sense it--tension--whatever that is worth. I know he's seen me look at him and look away, b/c I can't muster up the courage to say hi to him. I have thanked him a few times for what he's done and he always gives a friendly response. The thing is I act nervous around him, and I think it's rubbing off on him--he is starting to act a little nervous around me, but he hides it well. Do you think he can tell that I'm just shy? I've only been there 3 or 4 times so far, and will only go depending on when I need the maintenance. Do I just need to give this time to develop? Do you think by acting shy I've sent off the wrong signals?...but I do always thank him nicely, does that count?

No, I didn't think you were being harsh Lonesome. I agree with you--I share the same belief also, this is probably why it peeves me a little when ppl don't maintain the eye contact. You make a good point--a lot of ppl don't even realize they are doing it or think it is "bad"...thus I shoudln't be so irked, lol. And Jinx, wow that was some excellent insight and I really appreciate it. Yes I think I am one of those ppl that find it easy to maintain eye contact. In fact as I was reading your post, I realize I always look at ppl in the eye and this why I may come accross as intimidating. Ask me the eye colour of anyone I've ever met and I could tell you what colour they have. Thanks for the input everyone.

Hey, I'm about 5'7 and I used to weigh about 145lbs. Looking back at pictures, I wouldn't call myself fat, but I was maybe "thick", but in proportion. I looked a normal/average weight. Yet I constantly felt really self-conscious about my weight, especially b/c I used to weigh 125 when I was 13. I told myself I gained the extra weight b/c my body was "growing up", which is true. But 20lbs is a lot to grow up to. So I was finally sick of feeling this way aaaalll the time, so I began to watch what I eat; I never really ate junkfood, but my portion sizes were way to big. I also began running, which I love! Anyway, yes, since then (maybe 6 or so months) I am down to about 135lbs and I really notice the difference. All my clothes still fit, but instead of kinda tight, they are now comfortably loose and look better. So I lost the majority of my weight off my thighs and stomach--it's a big difference; I can't believe there was 10lbs there. Did you know that's 5 tubs of butter (tub=2lbs)?! In conclusion, I wouldn't call you fat, but 10lbs for me really did make a difference. The other day my friend was like, "omg, you're so tiny"--whereas when i was 145 I constantly felt "big".

Not to sound "___", but I don't think that I am unattractive--so unattractive that a guy wouldn't look at me while shaking my hand...But you can bet that I am feeling really self-conscious now. I first thought it might be b/c my friend is attractive and that the guys she knows like her, so they are focussing on her...but one of these guys I met one time was her brother and he did the same thing.

Just a quick question here. I noticed that when I go out with a female friend and she sees some guy(s) she knows, so we go up to talk to them...and then when she introduces us and the guy shakes my hand, he looks away/diverts his eyes away from me, while he is shaking my hand? For some reason it makes me feel a little hurt...should I be a little offended? Out of 4 guys I've met this way, 3/4 have done this...

This happened a few months ago, but I tend to think of it once and awhile and it bugs me... I work in a grocery store, and in our department we serve a lot of customers and there is a number system for customers. Most of the time at work I'm either quiet, b/c we're busy, or I tend to joke around a little. There used to be a regular customer--a cute guy--that always came in on the same day around the same time. I usually had that shift, so I always saw him. I could tell that we had a little attraction/friendly flirting thing going on. Anyway, one night it was slow so I was talking with my friend/coworker about my birthday plans. And then another coworker(/friend) snapped at me to stop talking and get on counter, b/c apparently while I was talking I didn't see a customer that was waiting. We were arguing for a couple of minutes, I was a little upset. So, I did some other non-customer related work, and while I was doing that I was kind of ranting to another one of my coworkers. The whole situation must have lasted not even 5min. While during that time I noticed, that this cute guy had been by the counter, and he obviously heard/saw the whole thing. I noticed that he was on purpose not looking at me. And although he's been a regular customer for over a year, since that night he hasn't come back. So, basically I feel like it was my fault. I hope he didn't switch grocery stores because of me. I try to think well if I saw my "crush" arguing with one of his coworkers and saw that he was upset, I don't think I would really care that much...I wouldn't switch grocery stores for goodness sake. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe he has come back, but I haven't see him... Yet I'm sure I would. Maybe he moved or something completely unrelated happened. I don't know. This just bugs me and I feel embarrassed when I think about it. Thanks for reading. Any suggestions?

Hello, I'm not sure if I should have started a new thread, but since I'm basically asking the same question... Anywho, just wondering if there are any more opinions? Actually since I wrote this I have lost around 10lbs. I still have a kindof soft looking stomach and I was wondering if I should be as self conscious about it as I am? Thanks

Hi, Several months ago I used to weigh around 143-145lbs, and I am 5'6/5'7. I started going to the gym and right now I am 135lbs, but it seems I have hit a weight loss plateau. I work out 3-4 days a week--45min of running (30 of which is interval running). I want to lose 5lbs, and it's mainly in my stomach and thighs. I recently started doing weights too, with a program made up by a trainer. (She actually made up the program for me several months ago when I joined the gym, but I didn't start actually doing it until 2 weeks ago...). I eat 3 healthy meals a day, with 1-2 snacks--about 1500 calories. So, do I just have to be patient until these last few pounds come off? Any tips for getting over a weightloss plateau? I'm also worried, because in a few weeks I will be going back to school and I won't have time to do so much cardio. I will have to cut it back to at the most 20-30min. Will that have a dramatic effect? Thanks in advance, cranberry

In the context of dating, I regard his personality as the focus not the guy's clothes. Yes clothes are trivial. But clothes can take a voom to a va-voom. One still has voom, but now one has that extra touch.

Caldus wrote: I think you have misunderstood me. I clearly said that anybody can remain unique and in style. Why are you assuming that just because someone is in style they have lost their uniqueness? I did not imply anything about "giving in" to a certain style. Perhaps we should all agree on what the definition of "in style" really is. It seems to me that you (Caldus & Shysoul) believe that being in style means copying the latest trends (whether you like the trends or not) just to fit in; aka a "slave-to-fashion". But in my opinion, being in style shouldn't be stereotyped as strictly conforming to society's so-called fashion standards. Because there are no standards to fashion. Fashion is continuously changing. In fashion you have certain staples (for example, jeans, good-fitting trousers, etc) and with trends you can constantly change (or keep) your look to whatever you like. You can make your own style by incorporating classic pieces with or without the latest trends. Yes that's right, you...yes you (not a fashion magazine) can choose what you wear every single day of your life. If the blazer is not your thing, then you do not have to feel obligated to wear it. There are hundreds of other things from the season that you could pick and choose from. And if none of those things appeal to you you can always stick to the classic pieces you love, which stick around year-round. Shysoul wrote: If you don't want to wear a cowboy hat (because "everyone else" is wearing one) then don't wear one. But if you feel it represents/fits your personality, and you want to wear a cowboy hat, then go ahead wear it any time. Caldus wrote: Just a thought, but are you sure you don't give a crap what people think of your outfit? T-shirts and jeans could be interpreted as playing it safe. And by the way, t-shirts and jeans are classic pieces, so I guess you are in style . Last night, for instance, I saw dozens of guys wearing t-shirts and jeans. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I'm not saying that all these guys (or you) are playing it safe. I'm saying that what you wear reflects your personality whether you like it or not. I don't think it is shallow to assume at first glance (and by instinct) that Caldus is a relaxed, easy-going kindof guy because he is wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Would you rather have me imagine you without clothes on? Anyway, you're right. Contrary to what Shakespeare (Hamlet) might say, clothes do not make the (whole) man. Personality makes the man. And like I said before, clothes can reflect a little sense of your personality. Fashion isn't about giving an iota what others think of you. Fashion is about how you want to represent yourself to others.

Everyone has made some excellent suggestions so far, but I just wanted to comment about the clothes/style issue. It's one thing to copy trends and desperately wait for the latest fashion magazine to arrive on shelves, but it's another thing to stay moderately in style. Being in style and being unique can be coterminous. For example, perhaps you like to wear neon socks with sandals and (hideous) hawaiian-print t-shirts...yes that is unique and that could be very well how you like to express yourself...but face it, that outfit is horrendous. Instead you could incorporate your uniqueness into a modern outfit. For example, you could replace the neon from your socks with a bright-coloured t-shirt and wear that under a blazer. By the way, I am by no means suggesting that you dress horrendously and that is why you do not have a girlfriend. I agree with the previous posters--you just have to put yourself out there and you will meet all kinds of people--some may become romantic interests, and others may become friends.