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Thread: Advice needed- talking to a recently divorced man

  1. #1

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    Advice needed- talking to a recently divorced man

    I feel as though I am at a crossroads. It's a long story and I'm not sure where to begin. I was friends with a man for 2.5 years who was married at the time. We basically worked together for that time period and became really close friends (texting a lot and hanging out at work, having lunch together everyday, etc.) but we never hung out outside of work. Things did cross the line in that we flirted heavily, admitted how attracted we were to each other and even kissed once in his office (we stopped because we were interrupted). I mention that to say that it was never just a friendship.
    Long story short, we ended our friendship some time later when he separated from his wife the first time and I found out he was dating someone else (he tried to keep it from me and never admitted it but I found out through social media.) I confronted him and we decided to end our "friendship" or whatever it was.

    Two years later he contacted me and asked if we could be friends again. We started to text and it got sexual right away. I found out that he was now separated from his wife and living in another state. That was a little over a year ago. Throughout the next year, we texted on and off and it was usually sexual, although he told me that he was interested in more than just sex. He was now living 5 states away from me and so, we have yet to see each other in person, although he assured me that he wanted to and believed it would happen when the time was right.

    A couple of days ago, I decided that I was going to tell him that I can't be friends anymore. I had just given up that this would ever go any further. Then I found out that his divorce was recently finalized. That kind of made me think that maybe I should not push him. I know that it's not wise to date a recently divorced man and he seemed to know that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I wonder if I should just continue to be his friend and wait and see. I don't want to waist my time but I don't want to prematurely end something that might turn out to be something. I guess I am looking for advice as to what to do next, what to say to him, how to approach him about this without being pushy. Part of me does not want to lose his friendship because he is one of my best friends but a part of me can't continue to live in this limbo anymore. What should I do? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sooo....you are worried about him being recently divorced, but had no problems with him cheating on his wife and also being a part of his side chick rotating stable? Really?

    Cheaters are liars and you can never ever believe a word he says. You can bet your life that he is playing you and who knows how many other women yet again. Why on earth would you want to get involved with such a bottom of the barrel loser?

    What you should you do is block and delete him and get your head screwed on straight. Maybe revisit your personal value system.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Can you be purely a friend with sexting or flirting? If you can put your emotions aside and be a bit more reserved and logical about it, I don't see what's wrong. Most people would advise against it because this would be an uphill battle for you trying to convince yourself out of every interaction, whether he's meaning something more or not. You'll overanalyze like crazy.

    It sounds like you're looking for a committed relationship and are emotionally attached to him. This is a bad combination from your standpoint. If you can detach yourself and cool it, yes, you can be friends. If you're unable to control your feelings for him or want him to be something he's not, this is no good for you. You're always going to be or sound pushy. It's because you're looking for something that he isn't able to give.

    This person also sounds very disillusioned and scattered, even dishonest by omissions. He's all over the place. Are you certain you want to put your heart and your wellbeing into the hands of an individual who isn't all there (mind and spirit)? He's got things to sort out and this seems like a very precarious position to put yourself in.

    Emotional attachments aside, what draws you to him? Does he have any positive qualities or qualities you admire? What's your background? Are you sure you're not falling for the first man who's showing you some attention after a long marriage or dry spell?

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Can you be purely a friend with sexting or flirting? If you can put your emotions aside and be a bit more reserved and logical about it, I don't see what's wrong. Most people would advise against it because this would be an uphill battle for you trying to convince yourself out of every interaction, whether he's meaning something more or not. You'll overanalyze like crazy.

    It sounds like you're looking for a committed relationship and are emotionally attached to him. This is a bad combination from your standpoint. If you can detach yourself and cool it, yes, you can be friends. If you're unable to control your feelings for him or want him to be something he's not, this is no good for you. You're always going to be or sound pushy. It's because you're looking for something that he isn't able to give.

    This person also sounds very disillusioned and scattered, even dishonest by omissions. He's all over the place. Are you certain you want to put your heart and your wellbeing into the hands of an individual who isn't all there (mind and spirit)? He's got things to sort out and this seems like a very precarious position to put yourself in.

    Emotional attachments aside, what draws you to him? Does he have any positive qualities or qualities you admire? What's your background? Are you sure you're not falling for the first man who's showing you some attention after a long marriage or dry spell?
    Thank you for the reply! I could try to just be his friend and set a boundary not to interact sexually and that would save our friendship. The problem with that is I don't really think it would make a difference in how I feel. The problem is that while we were friends before I was completing in love with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him now but when we talk those feelings tend to come back. I could just end it all together, but then I would miss the friendship, so I'm in a bit of a catch 22 either way.

    What drew me to him in the first place is that we get along really well, think a lot a like, have fun together and have always been really comfortable with each other from the beginning. I wasn't looking for a relationship back then and had no intention of falling in love with someone but when I met him it just happened. I fought it as much as I could but being forced to be around him, it just happened. I'm not going to make excuses and I admit that things crossed lines that shouldn't have been crossed. I feel bad about that, but it is all water under the bridge and there is nothing I can do about it now.

    I don't think it was about falling for the first man to show me attention as I wasn't looking for it at all. It was just that I ended up in a position where I had to interact with him for a few years and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I thought it would be ok at first to just hang out and be friends because I didn't think anything would happen, but then I found out that he felt some sort of way for me too. I guess I got in too deep and then couldn't just get out. It's not that I want to put my emotions in his hands, it's just that I have felt something for him for such a long time.

    I would love it if I could just be his friend and turn off my emotions but you are right, I want more and he can't give it right now. I'm just not sure if he really wants that down the line at some point or if he is just using me to get attention from a female. I guess I want to know if it is a possibility for something down the line but don't know how to ask him or if he would even be honest with me if I did.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It depends on if you want a texting/sexting friend or want to date local single men.
    Originally Posted by jo162999
    He was now living 5 states away from me and so, we have yet to see each other in person, although he assured me that he wanted to and believed it would happen when the time was right.

  7. #6
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    I don't know, OP. He sounds shady and not a wise investment for your heart.

    He flirted with other women while married. Separated, started dating someone else but hid that from you, went back to his wife, separated again, is now divorced and wants to be friends but things immediately got sexual. And it's still usually sexual, by your own account.

    This does not sound like a man who takes you very seriously. He enjoys getting his rocks off with you but when it's usually about sex? Well, it is usually about sex - and not much more. I wouldn't get your hopes up with this one.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jo162999
    Thank you for the reply! I could try to just be his friend and set a boundary not to interact sexually and that would save our friendship. The problem with that is I don't really think it would make a difference in how I feel. The problem is that while we were friends before I was completing in love with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him now but when we talk those feelings tend to come back. I could just end it all together, but then I would miss the friendship, so I'm in a bit of a catch 22 either way.

    What drew me to him in the first place is that we get along really well, think a lot a like, have fun together and have always been really comfortable with each other from the beginning. I wasn't looking for a relationship back then and had no intention of falling in love with someone but when I met him it just happened. I fought it as much as I could but being forced to be around him, it just happened. I'm not going to make excuses and I admit that things crossed lines that shouldn't have been crossed. I feel bad about that, but it is all water under the bridge and there is nothing I can do about it now.

    I don't think it was about falling for the first man to show me attention as I wasn't looking for it at all. It was just that I ended up in a position where I had to interact with him for a few years and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I thought it would be ok at first to just hang out and be friends because I didn't think anything would happen, but then I found out that he felt some sort of way for me too. I guess I got in too deep and then couldn't just get out. It's not that I want to put my emotions in his hands, it's just that I have felt something for him for such a long time.

    I would love it if I could just be his friend and turn off my emotions but you are right, I want more and he can't give it right now. I'm just not sure if he really wants that down the line at some point or if he is just using me to get attention from a female. I guess I want to know if it is a possibility for something down the line but don't know how to ask him or if he would even be honest with me if I did.
    Thanks for being so frank.

    The problem with the part in bold is that you're hinging your present on future tense. This means you're conducting your present business on 'could bes' and 'what ifs'. This is no way to live. You're setting yourself up for living in limbo. Most states of limbo are not sustainable over time. It is an act of disillusionment itself. I think you could be selling yourself short.

    My suggestion is to cool it no matter what - with him or without him. This isn't going to end well if what you really are looking for from him is something more. He's not appropriate dating material and his actions in the past have shown that to you (he's inconsistent and scattered all over the place). The process of slowing things down might give you some perspective.

    I'd opt to cut down on the flirting and keep in touch as friends. The romance part isn't working. Enjoy the friendship and limit the romantic interactions, flirt here and there if you're a flirt anyway (you're just doing you and there is nothing wrong with that) but keep your heart out of it. This isn't a good place for you to become rooted or attached.

    I think this practice might test your friendship also and see whether he has more substance than just a sexting buddy or flirting buddy. Let's see how interested he is in you overall as a person once you're not always available to stroke his ego. You'll see each others' true colours that way. Go easy.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I don't know, OP. He sounds shady and not a wise investment for your heart.

    He flirted with other women while married. Separated, started dating someone else but hid that from you, went back to his wife, separated again, is now divorced and wants to be friends but things immediately got sexual. And it's still usually sexual, by your own account.

    This does not sound like a man who takes you very seriously. He enjoys getting his rocks off with you but when it's usually about sex? Well, it is usually about sex - and not much more. I wouldn't get your hopes up with this one.
    Yeah the fact that he doesn't seem to think it a big deal to cheat on his wife is definitely a very big concern. Like I said, I know he's not the ideal choice. It's not that I would choose this but I am already invested.
    I don't think that our friendship is ONLY about sex and I can talk to him about anything and he will respond and talk. I think we have a solid friendship foundation and I'm sure if I cut out the sex stuff, he would still be ok to just talk about other stuff too. In fact, the first day that we talked again after the 2-year separation, I was the one that started the sexual stuff. He pointed out that this was not all he wanted and stated that he was "interested in other stuff too." Before when we were friends while he was married, we talked about all kinds of stuff and got to know each other very well. So I don't think that it is only about sex. I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Thanks for being so frank.

    The problem with the part in bold is that you're hinging your present on future tense. This means you're conducting your present business on 'could bes' and 'what ifs'. This is no way to live. You're setting yourself up for living in limbo. Most states of limbo are not sustainable over time. It is an act of disillusionment itself. I think you could be selling yourself short.

    My suggestion is to cool it no matter what - with him or without him. This isn't going to end well if what you really are looking for from him is something more. He's not appropriate dating material and his actions in the past have shown that to you (he's inconsistent and scattered all over the place). The process of slowing things down might give you some perspective.

    I'd opt to cut down on the flirting and keep in touch as friends. The romance part isn't working. Enjoy the friendship and limit the romantic interactions, flirt here and there if you're a flirt anyway (you're just doing you and there is nothing wrong with that) but keep your heart out of it. This isn't a good place for you to become rooted or attached.

    I think this practice might test your friendship also and see whether he has more substance than just a sexting buddy or flirting buddy. Let's see how interested he is in you overall as a person once you're not always available to stroke his ego. You'll see each others' true colours that way. Go easy.
    Thank you. I think the challenge is to keep my heart out when that is not how I am and when I was already invested before.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jo162999
    Yeah the fact that he doesn't seem to think it a big deal to cheat on his wife is definitely a very big concern. Like I said, I know he's not the ideal choice. It's not that I would choose this but I am already invested.
    I don't think that our friendship is ONLY about sex and I can talk to him about anything and he will respond and talk. I think we have a solid friendship foundation and I'm sure if I cut out the sex stuff, he would still be ok to just talk about other stuff too. In fact, the first day that we talked again after the 2-year separation, I was the one that started the sexual stuff. He pointed out that this was not all he wanted and stated that he was "interested in other stuff too." Before when we were friends while he was married, we talked about all kinds of stuff and got to know each other very well. So I don't think that it is only about sex. I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...
    If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

    Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?

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