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Thread: Broke up today

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I'd just like to nudge you a little toward the realization there was never an "us" or a "we". It was you pursuing, building, trying, healing, putting up with, hoping, and so on. As for her...she was going along with kind of sort of, but never really present, her heart and mind elsewhere all along, never really on board with you. She never hid that aspect from you either.

    So I really hope that going forward you do become much more aware, awake, pay much sharper attention to what someone is saying to you about themselves. So that next time you come across someone who tells you that they are broken, you actually walk away, no matter how great they seem otherwise, how attractive, or smart, or sexy, or so on. Always remember that a swamp can look beautiful, just a like a pretty meadow full of flowers and butterflies and so on, but....if you step in....you will sink. Be sure that when someone tells you "warning, this is a swamp", you turn around instead of plowing forward just because it looks pretty to you. Never second guess the truth of what a person tells you about themselves.

    Emotional health has nothing to do with intelligence, charisma, success, attractiveness, and so on. A person can be highly intelligent, successful and at the same time completely messed up and toxic when it comes to relationships. When choosing a partner, look for emotional health first and foremost. Everything else is gravy.

    Well of course there was a “we” and “us”. We had a relationship, albeit there was healing happening at the same time Which make it difficult and where we eroded early on, as I pretended to be okay with something when I truly wasn’t, but decided to forego that based on our mutual attraction and shared compatibilities.
    It doesn’t negate the fact that she spoke of a future together, had us in mind in many situations and chose me specifically to be in a relationship with. She was honest about her healing and what she could give, but I don’t want to paint it as there was never an “us”. Otherwise it just gives the sense I was senselessly pursuing someone who wasn’t really interested; which wasn’t the case. It’s more like 80% of the tome she was and 20% of the time she emotionally couldn’t due to many factors in her consciousness. “our” relationship was marred by her past hurt which she doesn’t know how to fully eradicate; she is playing the same sad album on repeat, and in my mind, to no end or for any meaningful reason except to suffer in vain.
    If there was no us it would have just been me texting, calling, making plans, and everything else; but it wasn’t, it was balanced. And that’s what makes all of this quite tragic. We both wanted a life, and both wanted weekends and to see each other. But it’s like she just cannot get past her past...

    I do agree with the rest of what you said about the swamp and believing what people say about their respective emotional states of mind and taking that at face value.

    And I definitely agree with what you’ve Spoken to about emotional health. I personally have struggled with self-esteem throughout my life. Self-doubt and feeling like I’m never quite enough as is. It’s an emotional thing, because if you met me you wouldn’t necessarily think I had a darn hang-up. But clearly my relationship is a reflectIon of how I value/valued my worth.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Plenty of people with issues have good qualities. It seems you want to apply all sorts of meaning and logic to this experience with her. You may be intellectual or philosophical, but sometimes an inkblot is not the Mona Lisa, it's just an inkblot. In fact the point of Rorschach tests is to test the perception, not the inkblot itself.
    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    What makes me not want to just chalk her up to being a chaotic individual is that she was really smart, caring, kind, and thoughtful. So many wonderful things.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Plenty of people with issues have good qualities. It seems you want to apply all sorts of meaning and logic to this experience with her. You may be intellectual or philosophical, but sometimes an inkblot is not the Mona Lisa, it's just an inkblot. In fact the point of Rorschach tests is to test the perception, not the inkblot itself.
    Well your statement is indeed illuminating my greater question which is making me run laps around the metaphorical mulberry bush.

    I’m stuck; not on the fact that I can’t accept reality for what it is — we broke up. I’m stuck on the WHY she was in the relationship if not to give and receive love, care, or some Other semblance of a romantic notion. I truly don’t believe a person can be in a relationship as she was and sustainably give in the manner she did. I can recognize she has issues, like everyone else, past traumas and so forth, but I can’t release myself from the why. And I don’t know how to get past that. Because she was present for our relationship, there were just times where she would disappear,which I know isn’t the healthiest.

    I know in the psychology of endings, endings such as romance, people get hung-up in certain aspects because they haven’t properly ascribed a suitable meaning to some event, so they stay stuck in it, only to repeat it continually. This is mine. It’s what Has perplexed me all along. If this relationship is or was a band-aid it would be so apparent. But it never was.
    She was damaged, but it doesn’t explain why she was committed to me and continuously poured energy in to us. But maybe I’m on a never ending Search for meaning where there might not be any. Or maybe she was just afraid of what true commitment and vulnerability is.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's all a journey. People still wonder about the great whys of everything in their quiet time - why this happened or why that didn't happen, why have things always been a certain way or why couldn't be another. These are all ruminating questions and questions you can ponder and take your time with.

    The only issue with all of this is that in becoming too engulfed asking these questions you miss out on bigger questions that allow you to live life fully. Don't let your life slip past you.

    Eventually you'll move on to the outer edges of all the whys of this relationship and the center, that maelstrom and hurricane of whys, will matter less and less the less this person is around you and the less effect that person has on your personal life or your outlook or your general business of things.

    Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. Journal-writing helps, I hear. Give life to new things around you and keep on going. Enjoy your youth and your life.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't think it's about "giving up," this moment, per an earlier post of yours. I think it's about healing, reflecting, processing—and trusting that process will provide some answers, some clarity, and some guidance. It's been 72 hours, a blink. You're a marathon runner who broke his leg playing pickup basketball: only thing you can do is rest, so the break heals, you can run again, and be more mindful of how you exert yourself on the basketball court.

    In a way your task now is to do what she couldn't do: live for yourself the way you wished she'd lived in her own skin and alongside yours—and, in doing so, you'll prime yourself for a connection works in actuality, not just in your imagination or because your imagination can putty over every hole, except for where it couldn't. As that priming occurs, you'll see all this as a stepping stone, not a fall from Everest.

    Every human you meet is going to have been burned, turned upside-down, frozen for a bit in a state of emotional turbulence or numbness. It's really not that interesting. It's life, playing out daily in high school hallways and assisted living facilities. Speaking only for myself, I think what makes humans interesting is how we choose to get through it. Some stay stuck, sure, and find a jagged form of comfort in fear. But a large subset us can turn pain into lessons, lessons into strength, strength into vulnerability, harnessing all that into becoming more open to the world, not less, even knowing that the world is capable of inflicting serious hurt. Maybe, as you process and heal, you'll come to see that that is the kind of stuff you want to connect with and connect over. Stronger building materials make for stronger foundations, you know?

    Because this was not that. This was a young woman playing a sad song on repeat, not yet interested in a new album. No, she didn't "plan" to hurt you. Yes, on some level she "cared." What she didn't do? She didn't paint her damage as a doorway to depth. You did that, with your brain, your hormones, your hopes and fears holding the brushes. What I want to say to you is: imagine not needing any of those brushes, because it's just so deep, the difference between swimming in a pool and the ocean. Your imagination can go wild in the ocean, of course, thinking about everything out there, everything down below to explore. But also? The feeling of depth, the experience of it, is just wonderfully consuming without all that mental hypotheticals. You get it just stepping in, floating around.

    A partnership can be similar, with the right person, both pretty easy and infinitely mysterious. Think of this experience as riding a bike with training wheels, for exactly as much time as you needed to discover just how badly you want to ride on two wheels, for real.
    Yes, these past few days have provided space for myself to process and reflected on how we were and also how I was during the relationship. And it's very clear to see and feel that her healing with the ex in the background was a continual hurt to me and hindrance to our growth. What needs to happen and has been happening right now is no contact. I won't contact her until and if she ever reaches out to me. Until then I am going to focus on bettering my self and life around me. I don't have a desire to mope around and feel depressed that much; there are times where it is momentarily inescapable, however.

    I get what you're saying about the strong building materials - people who have taken their traumas and hurts and transcended them to form something enriching, rather than allow it to haunt them.
    She was a closed-off person in many ways, open at other times; which made things difficult. She felt she knew everything already and so there's not much left to explore with that. So where she and I were concerned in the realm of intimacy, she had already been hurt in that arena, and still carried some wounds, so opening up and being vulnerable was definitely a no-go most of the time, instead, I was often met with criticism.

    Funny enough, she was actually the one who painted her damage as a doorway to her depth. In understand and understood our darkness reveals aspects of ourselves which further depth, but it wasn't a place to live in, but rather a place to visit. For her, it is a place to live most of the time, and she really enjoys that about herself. It's like she wouldn't allow herself to be happy fully. That had nothing with me projecting on to her. That was one huge aspect which i couldn't always connect to, because I couldn't understand the need to just go there to glean some sort of "meaning" from, even though I've faced my own darkness in life. But if she saw me write this, she would just say I didn't understand her or that I'm not as deep or intellectual.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Neuroticism intrigues some people like an unsolvable puzzle. However, it does get boring when you have more satisfying pursuits.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Neuroticism intrigues some people like an unsolvable puzzle. However, it does get boring when you have more satisfying pursuits.
    Do you mean this situation is making me neurotic and attempting to figure it out is the equivalent of an unsolvable puzzle, and if I had other satisfying pursuits I wouldn’t dwell so much?

    Or is my interpretation off?

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great post by Rose.

    I can't tell you the big why, and probably she can't either. All in all, though? Human beings like companionship, sex, and being validated for how they see themselves by other humans. They like being liked, even when—especially when?—they struggle to like themselves. Look at the fabric of most all relationships, across the healthy/unhealthy spectrum, and you'll find those ingredients. They were certainly there with you guys, at least for her, at least when you didn't push too hard on the wound, on seeing if she'd close it, since in doing that you stopped validating how she saw herself in favor for getting her to become the person she never was but who you desperately wanted her to become, to validate your own self-conception.

    Sometimes the big mystery is that it's not that mysterious, even while generating a swirl of intense feelings and attachments. One does not need to look far and wide, after all, to see examples of people in relationships and marriages that are constructed from thin, iffy fibers.

    Wiseman makes a great point above, about the place where this sort of thing can go from intriguing to boring—or, as the kids say, just kind of basic. Think about it like this: If you were writing here as someone really serious about surfing—easy grab for me, a surfer—you'd be describing a 1.5 year surf trip with someone who became petrified of water after one bad session that predated you. So rather than getting to actually do the wild and radical thing you love to do—surfing—all that energy is going into trying to "un-scare" someone. Yawn, no? The opposite of radical, after a while, or at least more of a simulacrum of it—one that invariably just magnified those preexisting fears.

    So in terms of building materials, it's pretty simple. If I'm going to surf with someone regularly it's going to be someone who is on my level, or just a hair more advanced, so I can level up alongside them. Reason is simple, not mysterious: it's just more fun and fulfilling that way. Keeps me growing, moving forward, rather than slipping back to a place I've already been. Same goes for romance, relationships. Someone who is down for the ride is going to offer much more than someone who is not.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Figuring her out seems like a dog chasing it's tail. Frustrating and circular.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Figuring her out seems like a dog chasing it's tail. Frustrating and circular.
    Might be true. But i don't know what to do with that. Because I'm still without the person I wanted and left sitting in the rubble.

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