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Blackpebble

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  1. I don’t think there’s much to your dilemma presented. You two sound like people who tried to make things work, but they didn’t. You made the jump to moving in with one another and things quickly fell apart. That says something about your compatibility. But you didn’t mention what the fights were about in the first place. (It doesn’t matter anymore) But what happened after - about him sleeping with two other people, drinking, gambling, etcetera, says a lot about his character and how he handles tumultuous times. Now you’re emotionally tapped out. You feel guilty because your desire to keep things going has dissipated. For a plethora of factors. I think the guilt will grow if you’re not honest about your true feelings. You don’t want to hurt him. So staying in that relationship when you’re not interested anymore will hurt him more in the long-run, and it will hurt you too. So that’s the worst option. If you want to salvage the relationship, tell him how you really feel and the reasons why. You’ve accumulated resentment - probably because he slept with women after the breakup for one major reason. That would make anyone feel gross about their partner. But if you’re just tapped out from his stuff? That’s okay. That’s life. But just be truthful with yourself and let it go. Giving up doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. It just means that relationship wasn’t the one.. but it showcased to you what qualities and characteristics are deeply important for you in intimacy.
  2. Well.. First of all, he knows he has you. When a woman is all over a guy and he can do whatever.. he has no incentive to fluff her ego back. Because he’s already getting his wants and needs met. He’s exploiting your neediness for his own gain. But you’re enabling his poor treatment of you. This isn’t a quality relationship. It’s probably quite immature. It’s more about ego than anything. You say it started physically and then you two just kept it going. And by the sounds of it the dynamic was probably always you lusting after his looks, and him enjoying that treatment while also being validated for something he is insecure about and pursuing. The real issue: Your sense of self is being brought in to question because he’s not validating you. But the issue is that you’re seeking validation from an external place (him) rather than internally, where it should be (Yourself) and all this causes you to feel bad about yourself and in turn the relationship. There’s resentment because of an unmet expectation of what you believe a partner should fulfill. But him complimenting - although nice - isn’t his job. We have to build that for ourselves. And generally when we do and it is genuine? We are able to see who and what things and people are good or bad for us. But until then we are at the mercy of toxic situations and people. Solution? Stop inflating his ego and expecting to receive the same. Stop asking him to post photos and all that of you two. What a person isn’t naturally doing, is them showing you how they actually feel about you. This guy won’t give you what you actually want in terms of a relationship. It’s clear you want someone who is thoughtful, kind, caring, all the good things whilst also wanting to build a relationship. And ideally he’s attractive to you. But this guy is just someone you find attractive who you are intimate with and you call it a relationship. I call it a learning experience and a catalyst for you to build up your self-esteem so you can choose a guy who is actually good to you and for you. But first you have to do that for yourself. As hard as it may be.. I would emotionally distance myself from this guy - still enjoy the fun aspects - dates, sex, etc - but start seeing how clearly he isn’t relationship material for you. Start building your world outside of this guy. Because right now it’s all about him. Because you’re making it that way, enabling it, and he’s agreeing with it. He’s getting all his needs met, whilst you’re not.
  3. I’ve never been the one to use the “Fine, I’ll walk away” line before. You’re right about the ex though. I guess I’ll just ride out my pain and let go a little more everyday.. contact her in a couple weeks to get my things.
  4. I see what you're saying. And it's a bit perplexing to me also. I think I'm stuck on the fact that this time the pendulum didn't swing back. It's obvious this relationship was toxic. But when we fought it would erupt, however, a day or two later there would be reconciliation. Another high before a low. So to me, it's almost as if my body is craving a hit, because the last point was a low. This is the first time a "fine, I'm leaving" or a "I'm done" has actually stuck for either of us. With no follow up from the other.
  5. Wow that’s really crappy about your situation. I cant stand when people do those types of things. It’s despicable. Yea, I can see she accepted it. Like I said, I just didn’t expect it to cut so fast and abruptly. Don’t know what I’m going to do about my things though.. I could maybe ask her to leave it outside of her door, then I can drop her belongings off too. Those loose ends need to be tied up, as I feel it’s the right thing to do.
  6. Yea, I guess so. But when someone says they can’t handle something, usually the other person doesn’t just accept it. I know no relationship where it’s just a severance like that. There would probably be a little bit of a pull afterwards before it finally ended. It’s difficult to say if she “checked out”, because on Friday and Saturday we were really close. There was a ton of sweetness and softness. She had been talking About going to apartment viewings In the future together too. Sunday she was a bit distant and then it just all devolved.
  7. While you’re not totally incorrect, you are partially. I truly do mean it when I say I want it to end in a respectable way, so I don’t look back to this time with a slightly acidic taste on my tongue. I am saddened by the fact that there was no effort put forth on her part, so we needn’t relinquish the whole of us. I merely just wanted an aspect of our dealings to be dealt with. Where you’re correct in your assertion: I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue it further again right now either, as it would lead us to a similar destination, just with a new expiry date. She is caught In a vice by her own personal demons which only she can vanquish. And I think that requires her solo attention. Getting back together at this time would enable her lack of healing more.
  8. I suppose the way in which it ended wasn’t how I believed it should have been closed off. A phone call doesn’t measure up to the gravity of my feelings which are held — the abruptness of it does have me reeling and to seek a more peaceful note, so as to tie everything up in a more respectful and honourable way. Part of me is having difficulty in accepting that it is over, or that she hasn’t come after me. After so many times of back and forth, when it doesn’t come back it’s a break in the pattern. Which may be the best thing. I guess I want a conclusion to all the chaos, so I know that both of us are walking away, but in a positive way, rather than one where drama was present with a final click of a phone. I believe we’re both better than that. It’s too immature and incomplete. As for my things? I could get on without them in life, sure, as they aren’t needs.. but they are my belongings. And I think energetically speaking, all should be returned. In the end, I just don’t want any unsolved business.
  9. A little bit different. The relationship between her and the ex ended 27 months ago. It’s literally been a week since we last spoke and I told her I’m walking away - I’m in a pretty vulnerable state and so I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that I can have some semblance of closure? And right now I’m flabbergasted that she just let me walk and we haven’t spoken since. I know having expectations are usually a sure-fire way to be let down in life, but I’m simply shocked it is gone so fast. I don’t want to be the one to break no contact, because it was me to walk. But I almost feel as though we need to exchange our items and we need to talk, so as to give each other closure. So it isn’t a situation of me forever tethered to my ex, like she is.. Maybe not this week, but sooner than later so the healing process can truly begin. Because right now it feels like it’s about surviving.
  10. It wasn’t all dysfunctional. A fair amount of thin gas worked. But the parts that didn’t - mainly her not being able to get over ex - really didn’t, and would erode what was good. Well It’s not like we had some massive fight and then broke up in a sickly dramatic way. I just told her I couldn’t handle it anymore knowing she was drafting letters and wasn’t fully over it; it’s too much for a person (Me) to handle mentally. And so I had to walk. I would think at some point last week she would have called or messaged to gain clarity of the situation or something! To truly discuss things and be like “you actually want to break-up?” In most relationships I would surmise there would be a sliver of a chase or challenge when one person says they can’t do something anymore. Objectively it’s a bit strange, no? I get what you’re saying overall though; accept and move-on. But I can definitely be taken aback.
  11. Yea that's a great analogy and I think quite accurate pertaining to the situation between her and I.
  12. It wasn't baiting nor did I plan on it being a faux break-up. It's not like I didn't mean what I said about not being able to handle it anymore. I couldn't. It was making me lose respect for our relationship, myself, and her; all of which I didn't want. I would go to work and think about it. Or some days she would just be cooler than others. No one deserves to be in something where they are "building" together and the other person is pining for someone else. They are undermining the whole thing. It's like building a house together, then one person comes in and demolishes last week's work, and one day later saying we have to put up the wall which was just torn down. Then do that about 50 more times. And the times she didn't do that? I would already be paranoid she was about to do it, like a child who has been hit a bunch and then the adult just brushes their hair but they think they're about to be hit so they flinch; never-ending state of waiting for IT. A relationship is in place to makes one's life more enriching and fulfilling, not to create jealousy and paranoia because you feel you've been and are continously compared to some ghost in a womans mind. And worse yet? Having the partner KNOW they are creating that within the other and not do anything about it. Or to call me insecure, and that I need to work on that. It was insane to have that be on my mind as much as it was and for her to still be drafting e-mails (even though she never sent them) as early as one month ago, which she wrote a day or two after we argued! It should have been me she was thinking about after the argument. Not her ex! I never tried to manipulate her by walking away. It was about saving what was left of my self-respect, by putting my foot down and finally saying no more. My only option at that point was to walk away, even though I never wanted to. I had talked to her about it, expressed my discontent, insecurities, etc. But it was never respected or nurtured. This had been going on since the beginning and I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than to have my "loyal" girlfriend constructing personal e-mails to another man, even if she's not sending them. She had been taking time out of her day and composing a letter to someone else - another man who didn't even have the decency to message her back when she tried to obtain closure in the summer. This is also the same woman who thought I was continuously checking other women out when I certainly wasn't. She was insecure and would question me for hours if she so much as thought I held a woman's gaze when we would walk on the seawall. Literally hours of questioning. It was always about her. All in all, I can still be flabbergasted that she hasn't messaged me or called and I finally just walked to save my self-respect and sanity. And the second I walk, nothing? No chase? No care? If it was a faux walking on my part, I would have messaged her by now. I don't plan on ever contacting her again, if she doesn't message first. I will not break that one. I was in my relationship 100% with her for one year and a half of my life! And all of a sudden she's GONE. That's shocking. Like losing an arm. And the thing is? I still want her. I just don't want her with the baggage of unfinished business; that's too heavy for anyone to carry throughout life. It was always as simple as that. I was so supportive for her to get her answers. I suggested she fly out to Scotland to talk to him, I suggested therapy so she could heal, to message him, to do anything to heal her heart and soul. Even if that meant me losing her. I would have traded that, losing her and me, so SHE could HEAL HERSELF. In the end, I know it's about fear of commitment, not about her ex. It's about being able to give and healthily receive love, and to be vulnerable. It's about ideas of love that are rooted to her childhood. She used her ex partially as a way to protect her heart, to me. A way to subtly push me away. Because nothing makes sense. How can a woman be so giving and caring, then one day later be cold and be bringing up an ex? For what? To me, it's reminding herself that nothing last's so it's easier to control it all by taking away the thing which she knows hurts the most - love. Obviously I'm pissed and there's no real way to know anything.
  13. Yea that was pretty brutal to read then think about. It's like I was used or something.. Why do you think she hasn't messaged to talk about returning our belongings and keys?
  14. You don’t think it’s a bit shocking she just let me go without any fight?
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