Broke up today

[Blackpebble]

Yes rebound relationships can be quite involved, fast moving, trips, hot sex, vacations and how long it goes on is not set in stone. It's not about the stuff you are focusing on that makes it a rebound, it's about emotional health and availability. She was never available to have a full relationship with you. A rebound can last from a month or two to several years. Same as someone getting past a break up can be over it in a few months or may still be stuck five years down the road. It's not about time, it's about where the person is emotionally and she showed you all along that she is not present with you, but stuck on her ex.

 

Asking someone if they are rebounding is almost silly - nobody will ever tell you yeah, sure, totally. I'm just going to use you as my emotional crutch, void filler and free therapist for awhile.

 

I really hope that this experience leads you to finally think about and start recognizing that when someone tells you they are broken, it's not a foundation on which to build your relationship, it's your clue to walk away immediately.

 

Our relationship was never super fast-moving. It progressed at a good speed, however I understand what you have conveyed. In the beginning, middle, and end she never had the full emotional vessel she once possessed and craves. She doesn't think she will ever get back that sense of self she lost. Always said a piece of her just broke when that relationship ended. She thinks that that is sad, seeing as she is only 28 and thinks the best is behind her.. I think it's sad too.

 

I do see now, to truly listen to what people say when being self-descriptive. It just all boggles my mind how we built what we did and it's now crushed. And it seems as though she doesn't care. Because she's not even fighting or communicating. I'm surprised she hasn't even sent a text since the phone call on Monday morning. We still have our things at the others' place and keys to our respective apartments...

[Wiseman2]

She sounds unstable on many fronts. Try not to assign calculated schemes and random buzz words to what is simply disorganized thinking and behavior. Once you realize this is not some elaborate plan to hurt you, but rather some sort of denial that you are simply dealing with a chaotic person, things will be much clearer.

[Blackpebble]

She sounds unstable on many fronts. Try not to assign calculated schemes and random buzz words to what is simply disorganized thinking and behavior. Once you realize this is not some elaborate plan to hurt you, but rather some sort of denial that you are simply dealing with a chaotic person, things will be much clearer.

 

I do agree that there is an instability in her. And I believe she will and would have conducted herself that way with any other man. Of course, it would have been a touch different, but it's who she is. Even in her previous relationship, they fought intensely, and often - every two weeks or so they would have a pretty big one, according to her. I just think he was more withdrawn at times than I was, so she had more of a chase, then she did with me. Still toxic, but a different experience for her.

 

I don't think she had a plan to hurt me. I think I got hurt in the process of being with someone who wasn't ready or supposed to be in a relationship in the manner she was at that time. Often her moods would change on a day-to-day basis; she would be super close and then quite distant. So it was a never-ending game of hot and cold. So often vacillating.

 

What makes me not want to just chalk her up to being a chaotic individual is that she was really smart, caring, kind, and thoughtful. So many wonderful things. So it's difficult to just lump her into that title and then be like "Okay. She was just Choas". Because at the end of the day we had a life and she did invest in us as much as she was able to, and it didn't seem as though she had any clandestine motives of intentionally wanting us to fall apart. But she also didn't have a deep intention of making us TRULY work, as I did.

[bluecastle]

I don't think it's about "giving up," this moment, per an earlier post of yours. I think it's about healing, reflecting, processing—and trusting that process will provide some answers, some clarity, and some guidance. It's been 72 hours, a blink. You're a marathon runner who broke his leg playing pickup basketball: only thing you can do is rest, so the break heals, you can run again, and be more mindful of how you exert yourself on the basketball court.

 

In a way your task now is to do what she couldn't do: live for yourself the way you wished she'd lived in her own skin and alongside yours—and, in doing so, you'll prime yourself for a connection works in actuality, not just in your imagination or because your imagination can putty over every hole, except for where it couldn't. As that priming occurs, you'll see all this as a stepping stone, not a fall from Everest.

 

Every human you meet is going to have been burned, turned upside-down, frozen for a bit in a state of emotional turbulence or numbness. It's really not that interesting. It's life, playing out daily in high school hallways and assisted living facilities. Speaking only for myself, I think what makes humans interesting is how we choose to get through it. Some stay stuck, sure, and find a jagged form of comfort in fear. But a large subset us can turn pain into lessons, lessons into strength, strength into vulnerability, harnessing all that into becoming more open to the world, not less, even knowing that the world is capable of inflicting serious hurt. Maybe, as you process and heal, you'll come to see that that is the kind of stuff you want to connect with and connect over. Stronger building materials make for stronger foundations, you know?

 

Because this was not that. This was a young woman playing a sad song on repeat, not yet interested in a new album. No, she didn't "plan" to hurt you. Yes, on some level she "cared." What she didn't do? She didn't paint her damage as a doorway to depth. You did that, with your brain, your hormones, your hopes and fears holding the brushes. What I want to say to you is: imagine not needing any of those brushes, because it's just so deep, the difference between swimming in a pool and the ocean. Your imagination can go wild in the ocean, of course, thinking about everything out there, everything down below to explore. But also? The feeling of depth, the experience of it, is just wonderfully consuming without all that mental hypotheticals. You get it just stepping in, floating around.

 

A partnership can be similar, with the right person, both pretty easy and infinitely mysterious. Think of this experience as riding a bike with training wheels, for exactly as much time as you needed to discover just how badly you want to ride on two wheels, for real.

[DancingFool]

Our relationship was never super fast-moving. It progressed at a good speed, however I understand what you have conveyed. In the beginning, middle, and end she never had the full emotional vessel she once possessed and craves. She doesn't think she will ever get back that sense of self she lost. Always said a piece of her just broke when that relationship ended. She thinks that that is sad, seeing as she is only 28 and thinks the best is behind her.. I think it's sad too.

 

I do see now, to truly listen to what people say when being self-descriptive. It just all boggles my mind how we built what we did and it's now crushed. And it seems as though she doesn't care. Because she's not even fighting or communicating. I'm surprised she hasn't even sent a text since the phone call on Monday morning. We still have our things at the others' place and keys to our respective apartments...

 

I'd just like to nudge you a little toward the realization there was never an "us" or a "we". It was you pursuing, building, trying, healing, putting up with, hoping, and so on. As for her...she was going along with kind of sort of, but never really present, her heart and mind elsewhere all along, never really on board with you. She never hid that aspect from you either.

 

So I really hope that going forward you do become much more aware, awake, pay much sharper attention to what someone is saying to you about themselves. So that next time you come across someone who tells you that they are broken, you actually walk away, no matter how great they seem otherwise, how attractive, or smart, or sexy, or so on. Always remember that a swamp can look beautiful, just a like a pretty meadow full of flowers and butterflies and so on, but....if you step in....you will sink. Be sure that when someone tells you "warning, this is a swamp", you turn around instead of plowing forward just because it looks pretty to you. Never second guess the truth of what a person tells you about themselves.

 

Emotional health has nothing to do with intelligence, charisma, success, attractiveness, and so on. A person can be highly intelligent, successful and at the same time completely messed up and toxic when it comes to relationships. When choosing a partner, look for emotional health first and foremost. Everything else is gravy.

[Blackpebble]

I'd just like to nudge you a little toward the realization there was never an "us" or a "we". It was you pursuing, building, trying, healing, putting up with, hoping, and so on. As for her...she was going along with kind of sort of, but never really present, her heart and mind elsewhere all along, never really on board with you. She never hid that aspect from you either.

 

So I really hope that going forward you do become much more aware, awake, pay much sharper attention to what someone is saying to you about themselves. So that next time you come across someone who tells you that they are broken, you actually walk away, no matter how great they seem otherwise, how attractive, or smart, or sexy, or so on. Always remember that a swamp can look beautiful, just a like a pretty meadow full of flowers and butterflies and so on, but....if you step in....you will sink. Be sure that when someone tells you "warning, this is a swamp", you turn around instead of plowing forward just because it looks pretty to you. Never second guess the truth of what a person tells you about themselves.

 

Emotional health has nothing to do with intelligence, charisma, success, attractiveness, and so on. A person can be highly intelligent, successful and at the same time completely messed up and toxic when it comes to relationships. When choosing a partner, look for emotional health first and foremost. Everything else is gravy.

 

 

Well of course there was a “we” and “us”. We had a relationship, albeit there was healing happening at the same time Which make it difficult and where we eroded early on, as I pretended to be okay with something when I truly wasn’t, but decided to forego that based on our mutual attraction and shared compatibilities.

It doesn’t negate the fact that she spoke of a future together, had us in mind in many situations and chose me specifically to be in a relationship with. She was honest about her healing and what she could give, but I don’t want to paint it as there was never an “us”. Otherwise it just gives the sense I was senselessly pursuing someone who wasn’t really interested; which wasn’t the case. It’s more like 80% of the tome she was and 20% of the time she emotionally couldn’t due to many factors in her consciousness. “our” relationship was marred by her past hurt which she doesn’t know how to fully eradicate; she is playing the same sad album on repeat, and in my mind, to no end or for any meaningful reason except to suffer in vain.

If there was no us it would have just been me texting, calling, making plans, and everything else; but it wasn’t, it was balanced. And that’s what makes all of this quite tragic. We both wanted a life, and both wanted weekends and to see each other. But it’s like she just cannot get past her past...

 

I do agree with the rest of what you said about the swamp and believing what people say about their respective emotional states of mind and taking that at face value.

 

And I definitely agree with what you’ve Spoken to about emotional health. I personally have struggled with self-esteem throughout my life. Self-doubt and feeling like I’m never quite enough as is. It’s an emotional thing, because if you met me you wouldn’t necessarily think I had a darn hang-up. But clearly my relationship is a reflectIon of how I value/valued my worth.

[Wiseman2]

Plenty of people with issues have good qualities. It seems you want to apply all sorts of meaning and logic to this experience with her. You may be intellectual or philosophical, but sometimes an inkblot is not the Mona Lisa, it's just an inkblot. In fact the point of Rorschach tests is to test the perception, not the inkblot itself.

What makes me not want to just chalk her up to being a chaotic individual is that she was really smart, caring, kind, and thoughtful. So many wonderful things.

[Blackpebble]

Plenty of people with issues have good qualities. It seems you want to apply all sorts of meaning and logic to this experience with her. You may be intellectual or philosophical, but sometimes an inkblot is not the Mona Lisa, it's just an inkblot. In fact the point of Rorschach tests is to test the perception, not the inkblot itself.

 

Well your statement is indeed illuminating my greater question which is making me run laps around the metaphorical mulberry bush.

 

I’m stuck; not on the fact that I can’t accept reality for what it is — we broke up. I’m stuck on the WHY she was in the relationship if not to give and receive love, care, or some Other semblance of a romantic notion. I truly don’t believe a person can be in a relationship as she was and sustainably give in the manner she did. I can recognize she has issues, like everyone else, past traumas and so forth, but I can’t release myself from the why. And I don’t know how to get past that. Because she was present for our relationship, there were just times where she would disappear,which I know isn’t the healthiest.

 

I know in the psychology of endings, endings such as romance, people get hung-up in certain aspects because they haven’t properly ascribed a suitable meaning to some event, so they stay stuck in it, only to repeat it continually. This is mine. It’s what Has perplexed me all along. If this relationship is or was a band-aid it would be so apparent. But it never was.

She was damaged, but it doesn’t explain why she was committed to me and continuously poured energy in to us. But maybe I’m on a never ending Search for meaning where there might not be any. Or maybe she was just afraid of what true commitment and vulnerability is.

[Rose Mosse]

It's all a journey. People still wonder about the great whys of everything in their quiet time - why this happened or why that didn't happen, why have things always been a certain way or why couldn't be another. These are all ruminating questions and questions you can ponder and take your time with.

 

The only issue with all of this is that in becoming too engulfed asking these questions you miss out on bigger questions that allow you to live life fully. Don't let your life slip past you.

 

Eventually you'll move on to the outer edges of all the whys of this relationship and the center, that maelstrom and hurricane of whys, will matter less and less the less this person is around you and the less effect that person has on your personal life or your outlook or your general business of things.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Take your time. Journal-writing helps, I hear. Give life to new things around you and keep on going. Enjoy your youth and your life.

[Blackpebble]

I don't think it's about "giving up," this moment, per an earlier post of yours. I think it's about healing, reflecting, processing—and trusting that process will provide some answers, some clarity, and some guidance. It's been 72 hours, a blink. You're a marathon runner who broke his leg playing pickup basketball: only thing you can do is rest, so the break heals, you can run again, and be more mindful of how you exert yourself on the basketball court.

 

In a way your task now is to do what she couldn't do: live for yourself the way you wished she'd lived in her own skin and alongside yours—and, in doing so, you'll prime yourself for a connection works in actuality, not just in your imagination or because your imagination can putty over every hole, except for where it couldn't. As that priming occurs, you'll see all this as a stepping stone, not a fall from Everest.

 

Every human you meet is going to have been burned, turned upside-down, frozen for a bit in a state of emotional turbulence or numbness. It's really not that interesting. It's life, playing out daily in high school hallways and assisted living facilities. Speaking only for myself, I think what makes humans interesting is how we choose to get through it. Some stay stuck, sure, and find a jagged form of comfort in fear. But a large subset us can turn pain into lessons, lessons into strength, strength into vulnerability, harnessing all that into becoming more open to the world, not less, even knowing that the world is capable of inflicting serious hurt. Maybe, as you process and heal, you'll come to see that that is the kind of stuff you want to connect with and connect over. Stronger building materials make for stronger foundations, you know?

 

Because this was not that. This was a young woman playing a sad song on repeat, not yet interested in a new album. No, she didn't "plan" to hurt you. Yes, on some level she "cared." What she didn't do? She didn't paint her damage as a doorway to depth. You did that, with your brain, your hormones, your hopes and fears holding the brushes. What I want to say to you is: imagine not needing any of those brushes, because it's just so deep, the difference between swimming in a pool and the ocean. Your imagination can go wild in the ocean, of course, thinking about everything out there, everything down below to explore. But also? The feeling of depth, the experience of it, is just wonderfully consuming without all that mental hypotheticals. You get it just stepping in, floating around.

 

A partnership can be similar, with the right person, both pretty easy and infinitely mysterious. Think of this experience as riding a bike with training wheels, for exactly as much time as you needed to discover just how badly you want to ride on two wheels, for real.

 

Yes, these past few days have provided space for myself to process and reflected on how we were and also how I was during the relationship. And it's very clear to see and feel that her healing with the ex in the background was a continual hurt to me and hindrance to our growth. What needs to happen and has been happening right now is no contact. I won't contact her until and if she ever reaches out to me. Until then I am going to focus on bettering my self and life around me. I don't have a desire to mope around and feel depressed that much; there are times where it is momentarily inescapable, however.

 

I get what you're saying about the strong building materials - people who have taken their traumas and hurts and transcended them to form something enriching, rather than allow it to haunt them.

She was a closed-off person in many ways, open at other times; which made things difficult. She felt she knew everything already and so there's not much left to explore with that. So where she and I were concerned in the realm of intimacy, she had already been hurt in that arena, and still carried some wounds, so opening up and being vulnerable was definitely a no-go most of the time, instead, I was often met with criticism.

 

Funny enough, she was actually the one who painted her damage as a doorway to her depth. In understand and understood our darkness reveals aspects of ourselves which further depth, but it wasn't a place to live in, but rather a place to visit. For her, it is a place to live most of the time, and she really enjoys that about herself. It's like she wouldn't allow herself to be happy fully. That had nothing with me projecting on to her. That was one huge aspect which i couldn't always connect to, because I couldn't understand the need to just go there to glean some sort of "meaning" from, even though I've faced my own darkness in life. But if she saw me write this, she would just say I didn't understand her or that I'm not as deep or intellectual.

[Wiseman2]

Neuroticism intrigues some people like an unsolvable puzzle. However, it does get boring when you have more satisfying pursuits.

[Blackpebble]

Neuroticism intrigues some people like an unsolvable puzzle. However, it does get boring when you have more satisfying pursuits.

 

Do you mean this situation is making me neurotic and attempting to figure it out is the equivalent of an unsolvable puzzle, and if I had other satisfying pursuits I wouldn’t dwell so much?

 

Or is my interpretation off?

[bluecastle]

Great post by Rose.

 

I can't tell you the big why, and probably she can't either. All in all, though? Human beings like companionship, sex, and being validated for how they see themselves by other humans. They like being liked, even when—especially when?—they struggle to like themselves. Look at the fabric of most all relationships, across the healthy/unhealthy spectrum, and you'll find those ingredients. They were certainly there with you guys, at least for her, at least when you didn't push too hard on the wound, on seeing if she'd close it, since in doing that you stopped validating how she saw herself in favor for getting her to become the person she never was but who you desperately wanted her to become, to validate your own self-conception.

 

Sometimes the big mystery is that it's not that mysterious, even while generating a swirl of intense feelings and attachments. One does not need to look far and wide, after all, to see examples of people in relationships and marriages that are constructed from thin, iffy fibers.

 

Wiseman makes a great point above, about the place where this sort of thing can go from intriguing to boring—or, as the kids say, just kind of basic. Think about it like this: If you were writing here as someone really serious about surfing—easy grab for me, a surfer—you'd be describing a 1.5 year surf trip with someone who became petrified of water after one bad session that predated you. So rather than getting to actually do the wild and radical thing you love to do—surfing—all that energy is going into trying to "un-scare" someone. Yawn, no? The opposite of radical, after a while, or at least more of a simulacrum of it—one that invariably just magnified those preexisting fears.

 

So in terms of building materials, it's pretty simple. If I'm going to surf with someone regularly it's going to be someone who is on my level, or just a hair more advanced, so I can level up alongside them. Reason is simple, not mysterious: it's just more fun and fulfilling that way. Keeps me growing, moving forward, rather than slipping back to a place I've already been. Same goes for romance, relationships. Someone who is down for the ride is going to offer much more than someone who is not.

[Wiseman2]

Figuring her out seems like a dog chasing it's tail. Frustrating and circular.

[Blackpebble]

Figuring her out seems like a dog chasing it's tail. Frustrating and circular.

 

Might be true. But i don't know what to do with that. Because I'm still without the person I wanted and left sitting in the rubble.

[Blackpebble]

I just don't get how we can be in a 1.5-year relationship, obviously had built a lot and when I say "okay, I'm going to walk away" (not from HER mind you, but the SITUATION) 6 days pass, and she doesn't even so much as send a text! How can a person be so stone-cold? I've never experienced that before. It really makes me angry; obviously that's hurt. And it's not like it was a bluff or I didn't mean it, because I do, but damn I just don't want to deal with a relationship when I have to worry about her drafting letters to her ex. It's not crazy.

[Wiseman2]

If you dump someone or throw in the towel like this, why would they text you?

when I say "okay, I'm going to walk away" 6 days pass, and she doesn't even so much as send a text!

[boltnrun]

It's not realistic to expect an ex to text you. You are broken up. Continuing to stay in contact makes no sense.

 

Do you have family or friends you can reach out to? My family member and I just spent 2 hours on the phone. His marriage is ending and he reached out to me for support. I was happy to support him.

[Blackpebble]

If you dump someone or throw in the towel like this, why would they text you?

 

Because I wasn't wanting the relationship to end. I just wanted that aspect of the relationship to end. Plus, it feels odd that she just let me walk knowing I couldn't handle that; her making no concessions for the relationship makes it seem like what we had wasn't, and isn't worth fighting and being vulnerable for. Shouldn't that have been a wake-up call for her? But instead it's just like "okay. so long".

 

What was I supposed to do? keep sacrificing my dignity while she drafts letters to her ex (not sending them) and be okay with it? It's so disrespectful to me and the relationship. She would be furious if she knew I was doing something like that. But somehow it's just part of the process and I lack understanding of heartbreak when she does it to me.

 

I suppose her not even messaging or fighting for it just justifies all my insecurities in the relationship that I was just a distraction. And the moment I stop enabling and validating her, I'm useless and she has no time for me.

[Wiseman2]

You were right to walk away. But don't expect a text.

[Blackpebble]

You were right to walk away. But don't expect a text.

You don’t think it’s a bit shocking she just let me go without any fight?

[Lambert]

You don’t think it’s a bit shocking she just let me go without any fight?

Its shocking to you because the relationship was very important to you.

 

Sometimes we never really know a person or where we stand with them until its over. you see it now and its not what you thought.

 

I'm sorry[emoji173]

[Blackpebble]

Its shocking to you because the relationship was very important to you.

 

Sometimes we never really know a person or where we stand with them until its over. you see it now and its not what you thought.

 

I'm sorry[emoji173]

 

Yea that was pretty brutal to read then think about. It's like I was used or something..

 

Why do you think she hasn't messaged to talk about returning our belongings and keys?

[Lambert]

Yea that was pretty brutal to read then think about. It's like I was used or something..

 

Why do you think she hasn't messaged to talk about returning our belongings and keys?

 

Some times people need space to process how they feel. So being that she's been quiet, I would be, too.

 

Some times people can't deal with facing the other person. For whatever reason and they may not even know why. shame and embarassment come to mind.

 

I'd forget about my belongings and change the lock. I try to never use any excuse to talk to an ex. If they had my work laptop, I'd tell my company, sorry I lost it. If I left my grandma's wedding band, well that's what my bff is for. Send them to fetch it.

 

I just think its best to stay away. If you have anything of her belongings, box up and leave it in a closet. If she asks for it, tell her to pick a day when you can leave on her porch. Then get your friend to drop it.

 

I might sound extreme and I may be.. but someone wants me gone? you don't have to tell me twice. Its better to protect yourself and not put yourself in stressful situation.

 

And this final act of strength may just make them wonder... because believe me. she knows she hurt you and she completely expects you to contact her. Everyday you don't, you get a little piece of yourself back.

 

The pain ebbs and flows. You'll do well for awhile, then feel like day 1 again. You'll be consumed with it and then one day, you'll realize you haven't been thinking of her much at all.

 

Ride it out. Keep posting.

[Capricorn3]

Some times people need space to process how they feel. So being that she's been quiet, I would be, too.

 

Some times people can't deal with facing the other person. For whatever reason and they may not even know why. shame and embarassment come to mind.

 

I'd forget about my belongings and change the lock. I try to never use any excuse to talk to an ex. If they had my work laptop, I'd tell my company, sorry I lost it. If I left my grandma's wedding band, well that's what my bff is for. Send them to fetch it.

 

I just think its best to stay away. If you have anything of her belongings, box up and leave it in a closet. If she asks for it, tell her to pick a day when you can leave on her porch. Then get your friend to drop it.

 

I might sound extreme and I may be.. but someone wants me gone? you don't have to tell me twice. Its better to protect yourself and not put yourself in stressful situation.

 

And this final act of strength may just make them wonder... because believe me. she knows she hurt you and she completely expects you to contact her. Everyday you don't, you get a little piece of yourself back.

 

The pain ebbs and flows. You'll do well for awhile, then feel like day 1 again. You'll be consumed with it and then one day, you'll realize you haven't been thinking of her much at all.

 

Ride it out. Keep posting.

Great post.