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Thread: Girlfriend Wants a Ring but

  1. #31
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    OP you and your girl get your financial stuff ( loans, credit card statements, banking info, tax papers) together and go see a money/fiance planner. They will look at what you make, where the money goes, and how much you will need to make or put away for all these things for the future. It will give your GF a bit of a wakeup call on the expenses of paying for babies, being off work, etc. are going to be, and how much you both need to make. Could be working extra OT or getting a second job, getting rid of a car, etc. Making up a budget for the wedding, and most likely giving some things up.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Engaged by 2021?

    Honestly..that sounds very fair.

    The majority of couples are nowhere near financially stable when they get married. As long as you both have good jobs, no huge debts and work well together in a relationship and with living together, I don't see why you wouldn't get engaged by 2021.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm assuming she works full time?

    Smackie, makes a good point, sit down with an advisor, have you and her see what it takes to run a household with children and only one working parent and see if it's feasible.

    At the very least, you'll both get a better idea of the costs of living together with a child, etc.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think the money part is not so difficult. It's working through your anxieties and this anxiety and misgivings towards your brother that stood out to me.

    Have you thought about working through your relationships with your parents and your siblings and reconciling your misgivings against your sibling? I feel like a large part of your hesitation and anxiety is coming from your relationships actually with your immediate family and not your girlfriend. You are unsure about what your reaction might be if you encounter hardship and are afraid of repeating your brother's mistakes. These have nothing to do with your girlfriend at all but she becomes collateral (your relationship becomes collateral) because of misgivings towards your brother. Why do you distrust yourself so much or the ability for your girlfriend and you to work through hardships together without repeating mistakes you dislike about certain family members?

    Have you turned to your parents before in times of need or have you felt embarrassed in the past for having to do so?

    I'd backtrack where those feelings of fear and misgivings are coming from. I think it stems from having to ask for help if you need help and from appearing as a failure as your brother appeared to be a failure when he had to ask for a loan. There are issues there with your relationship with your brother. Try working those out and demystifying it. I'd rekindle that relationship with your brother if it's feasible (if you don't have a close relationship with him). I think you need to make peace with your family members before you start creating a family of your own.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    This may sound very basic but do you want to be married? Do you want children?

    You seem worried about the potential costs of being financially merged with her. Am I right or totally off base here?

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Women often want to get married and have kids. If you want to date women, it goes with the territory.

    Also, usually women want to get married. Men want things to stay the same. But the women are right.
    That hasn't even been my experience and I am a woman. I typically met men that wanted to marry and have families.

    Be careful with the generalizations. .
    And `the women are expensive' comment is insulting too.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 12-09-2019 at 06:46 PM.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Is it possible with the impending move in, she's concerned that it will stall and she'll be your roommate indefinitely.

    Would it be horrible to be engaged and put off committing to an exact date? You two do want the same thing after all.

    Maybe she's just looking for some security before she moves in plays house with you.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 12-09-2019 at 06:45 PM.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Having children at 4 years time is not "right away" by any means. Her timeline sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Initially you made it sound as if she was asking you to have children within a year or something. Sorry but the "s71+ or get off the pot" saying, already mentioned by someone else, also came to my mind when I read that. 4 years is almost HALF A DECADE for God's shake. Personally, I wouldn't stick around waiting for a guy who was squirming about such a timeline. There are too many stories out there of women who lived to regret bitterly the type of waiting you ask of her. To me what you described sounds like a type of commitment phobia due to negative family experiences. If it was my sister or daughter and they came to me with what you wrote, I would advise them to drop you NOT humor you. To me it sounds like you are incompatible due to lack of timing.

  10. #39
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Having children at 4 years time is not "right away" by any means. Her timeline sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Initially you made it sound as if she was asking you to have children within a year or something. Sorry but the "s71+ or get off the pot" saying, already mentioned by someone else, also came to my mind when I read that. 4 years is almost HALF A DECADE for God's shake. Personally, I wouldn't stick around waiting for a guy who was squirming about such a timeline. There are too many stories out there of women who lived to regret bitterly the type of waiting you ask of her. To me what you described sounds like a type of commitment phobia due to negative family experiences. If it was my sister or daughter and they came to me with what you wrote, I would advise them to drop you NOT humor you. To me it sounds like you are incompatible due to lack of timing.
    Agreed, especially the first part. In 4 years, she is pushing mid 30s... she really cannot afford to waste the prime of her life with a guy dithering about a very generous timeline. If I were her friend or relative, I would recommend a much stricter deadline. Too many men treat women like rental cars, "test drive" for years without committing to buy. Hugely irresponsible and cruel. I don't know why women put up with it.

  11. #40
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    If you are talking about moving in together, then i understand why she would want to be married.
    If you are sure she is the one, then she doesn't need a "trial" to see if you can stand her bathroom routine or if she puts her socks in the hamper.
    I understand why you would want to wait another year - 2 years is enough dating for some and not for others, but telling her its about money is lame - because couples save up when they are engaged for the ceremony, etc.

    Honestly, having compatible general morals, healthy relationships with money, background, good conflict skills, etc, are better indicators of a lasting marriage vs trying someone out like some reality show.

    If you don't want to get married, tell her the truth.

    Kids are expensive, but after the birth expenses, the day to day of feeding an extra mouth isn't a lot. An extra bowl of cereal and what not. But you will have two incomes, not just yours. Even if she stays home with the kids for a time, you can save up or a year or two, etc. and you learn how to entertain yourselves cheaply with kids.

    My parents probably had less than you (if you adjust for inflation), one car, they were a lot younger and we wore hand me downs and sat on second hand furniture, but we never were without food.

    its better to have kids if you want them than to look back at 50 and regret that you didn't because you thought they would be expensive.

    I can understand why 20 year olds want to play house, but it makes no sense for 2 people in their 30s who want to get married ultimately to put the other through a move in trial

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