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Thread: How can I stop the torture ''I don't deserve to be happy''?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Completely agree. Reading through carefully there is an inner dialogue and back and forth with yourself represented in bold/plain text and cyclic repetition of the idee fixe clothes/money themes.

    This could be about the shape of your nose, germs, throwing things out, whatever. It is an obsession and irrational fears. The good news is you have an appt with a psychologist, however a physician may need to evaluate you as well. Unfortunately many things can manifest like this so a thorough work up is warranted. Many hoarders suffer with delusions of poverty like this as well. Does anyone in your family suffer from that?
    Originally Posted by LaHermes

    Rather than being about the money I feel you are engaging in catastrophic futurizing. The issue about the clothes (new or second-hand) is beside the besides.

    Catastrophic thinking is ruminating about irrational, worst-case outcomes.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Have you tried cardio exercise for at least 20-30 minutes at a time-whether it's really brisk walking, running, dancing -whatever gets your heart rate up - especially while listening to something you enjoy -music or a podcast, the radio, etc? And see if you have those kinds of anxious thoughts while you are moving your body and your heart rate is up. See if afterwards your thoughts are more grounded and present-focused.
    I ordered a $20 toaster yesterday which arrives today. Why? Because I use it at least twice a day and mine which I bought over 3 years ago seems to be wearing down - and it's a bit of an indulgence because technically it works just I can tell any day will be it's last so I wanted a backup now. Why did I even think about this? In my life a $20 expenditure for an appliance I use daily is really a no brainer, not going to affect us financially. And yet yes I went through the internal dialogue over whether I really "need" it since if I wiggle the toaster lever a bit more it is bound to work. I had to tell myself that I deserve to have a daily appliance that works great given my lifestyle/busy schedule. I wish it had been a no brainer but money is tricky that way I find. Especially if there's a life stage change (I was less like this before I had a family). So it's ok to question yourself but do it from a perspective of self-respect -insist on that. And that way you won't focus on "I deserve new clothes even though my old clothes are just fine because everyone knows new clothes make you happy" - well you know what - you must ask will it make "you" happy.

    What makes me happy is to spend $ on clothes that are comfortable and flattering when I don't have enough of that type of clothing, what makes me happy is to make sure my exercise clothes function as best as possible given my exercise routine but no, getting my nails done or buying new shoes "just because" would not make me happy in the least. Focus on getting to the root of what makes you personally happy -and avoid social media comparisons especially since more than a few people are promoting "new" because they are selling stuff for an MLM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    What is it, exactly, that you would like to be told by a bunch of strangers on the Internet that someone who knows you and cares about you hasn't told you already?

    Whenever someone says "Don't tell me to seek professional help..." they already know that that's the thing they really need. So how about reporting some progress in that regard?

  4. #14
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Hi Malviinka, just wanted to quickly chime in to say I totally understand
    With me it was my hair, people would say you could colour it, get it done at a top hairdressers it would look so pretty, but no I wouldn't touch it, couldn't bring myself to get it done, there was a block there
    Also in shops I would not look at the clothes though years ago I loved to wear beautiful clothes
    For me, I literally had to FORCE myself to do it - I went reluctantly to hairdresser, I ordered some new clothes

    And my goodness, the feeling afterwards was amazing, confidence sky rocketed, I felt so much better about myself I felt more loveable just because I'd done these things for myself

    Would recommend you to just DO IT, then see how you feel

    Best to you, love Lady D XXX


  6. #15
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    You need to learn to live well frugally. My husband & I have what looks like an extravagant lifestyle but it's all financed cheaply. We paid cash for our new to us sports car. We will pay off our mortgage 10 years early next year. We use coupons for everything. We buy used cars, clothes, furniture etc. It's new to us so we're happy. The secret is you have to know where you get gently used high end stuff. We cook at home & eat thrifty meals from seasonal foods that are on sale. We shop off brand discount stores to get the best value. I have what I called a "present closet" where I buy gift items & store them until we need them. For example a few years ago I stumbled upon a Waterford crystal sale. Beautiful vases that were usually $500 were on sale for $49.95. I bought 4. Then when weddings or other occasions came up we have the perfect present for pennies on the dollar. We have a comfortable emergency fund of at least 1 year's living expenses socked away plus we contribute to our retirement fund.

    The first thing you have to do is set some financial goals. Then make a budget. Do include a line item for splurges. It doesn't have to a huge amount but maybe $100 per month that you think of as mad money. I actually have an account for this. I used to fund it with a part time job. To me that was found money, not part of my "master plan" so I was allowed to be frivolous with those funds because they didn't count. That is where the new clothes came from, where the vacations came from etc. It takes the pressure off your retirement savings but gives you an outlet.

    Learn to make your money work for you. Read money management books from the library like Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Read thrifty / frugal blogs & websites. Learn to invest. Learn about F.I.R.E. (financial independence, retire early)

    When you start to realize you are the master of your fate & that you can guard against economic down turns you will feel calmer & more optimistic.

    This isn't for everybody but another thing that worked for me was turning back to my religion. Prayer calmed me more then anything else I ever tried: therapy, medication, meditation, yoga, exercise, booze etc.

    You will be OK when you take control of your money. You need action not talk therapy.

  7. #16
    Member Toni Coffman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    My personal opinion is youíre incredibly smart!!!!!!!!!!! Meaning by knowing that our lives could change in the blink of an eye and wanting to be secure. Especially at the very young age of 24 I think youíre ahead of the game myself. On the hand I also think you shouldnít walk around looking homeless (not that you do) just use your money wisely and to me it doesnít seem like that would be a difficult task for you. You do need to feel good about yourself! It helps you in everything you do in life so look at it that way. Also you donít have to buy expensive make up I could buy any make up I want it but I donít, & Iím pretty sure it looks just as good. I personally donít think you have a mental issue.. You just want to know that youíll be secure in like. If there is anyone out there doesnít want to feel security them to me they would be the one with the mental issue . Sorry but not sorry but everyone wants/ needs a sense of security. I just think you need to cut yourself a little slack!!!! Like you said you are a well educated woman yes jobs may come and go but your credentials will always be there therefore youíll never be without a job. So cut yourself some slack girl by a couple cute outfits to make yourself feel good and continue doing what youíre doing which is saving your money which is the smartest thing anyone could ever do!!! And btw if youíre already happy in the clothes youíre wearing and you already feel good then I wouldnít buy any new ones either. It all boils down to me personally that you just have to quit badgering yourself about it, stop thinking about it so much, and dwelling on it, and know that you are a 24-year-old smart girl who is saving her money instead of blowing it.

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