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Thread: I've Taken A Serious Gut Punch

  1. #1
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    I've Taken A Serious Gut Punch

    Here's my story. It's a wall of text, but please bear with me.

    The Background: I had been dating a 4th year medical student for the past year and few months. We began the relationship knowing at the end of the year she would relocate, but we both fell fast, so we kept it going. By the end of the 4th year, she found out she was relocating across the country and invited me to go with her. The move for her was about starting her career with people she liked in a place that she loved. The move for me meant being with the person I loved in a place that seemed awesome, but it also meant I would be giving up my job, home, stability, friends, etc. I knew the risks, but I loved her, so I was willing to do it. We got an apartment together.

    The Past Three Months: Her life began to blossom. She was getting into the groove at the hospital, she was becoming close with her co-residents, and she enjoyed the things the city had to offer. My life seemed to get darker. I felt nervous to leave the apartment. I felt embarrassed to be unemployed. I kept applying but only kept getting rejections. The only social opportunities were ones that she initiated, (going out with other doctors mainly, seeing parts of the city, day trips to go hiking). It created a situation where I hated being social because I felt like a loser around the successful and high powered people. I hated going out and spending money I had no right to spend if I wanted to not be broke. I felt like I had no life of my own, and who would want to be with someone with nothing going on for themselves. It created a very vicious mental cycle. I couldn't enjoy anything, and a few times I tried to explain that, but I never seemed to be able to communicate it very well.

    I was stand-offish often, and there were times where I acted like a real ass, but I tried to make day to day life with her good. I cleaned the apartment, made sure the place was stocked with her favorite snacks, laundry, etc, and we shared a lot of good, small moments together. I went to some of her social functions, and we went hiking a few times, and we had good times doing those things.

    The Ending: Several days went by where things felt off. On some level I registered that something was wrong, but I was terrified that it was wrong with us. I didn't bring it up, therefore my anxiety grew, therefore my standoffish-ness grew. On Sunday night, she came into my room and while crying explained how miserable she had been. I knew things were not in a good place, but I had no idea they were that bad for her. She never told me about the effect of the events of the past 3 months until this breakup conversation. The reason she offered was that she had thought about it a lot and came to the conclusion that we wanted different things out of life and that there was no way it would work long term. I asked if there was another guy, and she said no. I asked if there was anything to be done, but she said it was too late.

    She ended things, and I had no job to support myself. I had nobody else who cared I existed there. I didn't want to stay in that apartment and wallow. I didn't want to be in that city anymore and risk going completely broke by finding a new apartment while still not having a job. My best friend was 2400 miles away in Nashville, and he invited me to crash with him. So within 24 hours I packed up all that I owned into my car, and I left. I drove across the country in 3 days.

    I'm now crashing with that best friend in Nashville. I've been NC for 23 days and I've heard nothing from her. Life sucks. Thanks for listening/reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm curious - what's so appealing about her? Would it help you to talk about the relationship to gain closure? You'll have to get a job eventually and start supporting yourself if you haven't already. Don't stay with your friend forever. It's not fair to that friendship and you're verging on overstaying your welcome. You'll lose friends quickly like that.

    You can vent here if you need to.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'm sorry. That was a unexpected sad outcome.

    Take some time and grieve. When you feel a little stronger consider the fact that you get to start over again. Look at it as an good thing, an opportunity and create a life from the ground up, that you that brings you satisfaction and joy.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You have done the right thing...now go back to your hometown if you are not already, seek out your old job, and also apply at other places. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, dust yourself off and get back at it. If you still struggle, then it's very possible it's due to depression...seek out help for this.

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    She was appealing because she was bubbly, smart, quick, intuitive, and had a wonderful sense of humor. We had a real connection that I hadn't experienced to that degree before.
    I have been looking and applying for jobs, and I take care of things around the house. I do my best not to be a free-loader.
    I'm trying to view this an an opportunity to make a life for myself as I myself want it, but it's hard because a lot of days are filled with these waves of sadness and loss that I can't get much distance from.
    I'm sorry to be such a sad-sac.

  7. #6

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    Sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through a similar-ish situ a few years ago.

    You need to get home and a job pronto. You have to start re-establishing your own independent life aside from a GF.

    Can you go back to your old job?

    You focus now should be on yourself, you put yourself into an awkward situ and it has backfired. I do respect you for supporting your partner. But now it's time to stop thinking/wallowing about her and focus on you.

    Best of luck.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Life can be a kick in the gut and nothing is ever is really guaranteed. I've posted this multiple times on different threads. What I've found helps, no matter how dark the period, is owning all of it. The more you subconsciously blame someone else, the universe or something else for your state of things the greater your likelihood of not overcoming it. The more you avoid and don't acknowledge how hurt you are or how hurtful the relationship was or what those red flags were from the start to the finish, the more likely you'll repeat the same mistakes.

    It may seem counterproductive taking full responsibility for something that's not 100% your fault (it takes two to tango) but I've found my recoveries doubled as quickly and I was able to try and see things from the other person's point of view also and relate to the other person. You may not agree with each other but you can accept the outcome. In the end it's about no one else but yourself and how you want to live your life or how you see yourself living your life. I can never imagine myself down for long and it just doesn't happen for me. Not with break ups. I get down over other things like deaths in the family and transitions between life and death for example. I'm still grieving in my own way but I cannot stop living and I'm not down or in a haze anymore.

    In the end you'll see that this person made a decision not to be with you but it's an outcome that you can own 100%. See it and feel it for everything it is, good times and bad times. Take the opportunity and get to know your new town, meet new people. Be realistic with the job search. Start out temping if you have to or see a temp agency/job agency where they place people or a career counselling office.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Loki1110
    I was stand-offish often, and there were times where I acted like a real ass
    What do you mean by this, exactly?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Life can be a kick in the gut and nothing is ever is really guaranteed. I've posted this multiple times on different threads. What I've found helps, no matter how dark the period, is owning all of it. The more you subconsciously blame someone else, the universe or something else for your state of things the greater your likelihood of not overcoming it. The more you avoid and don't acknowledge how hurt you are or how hurtful the relationship was or what those red flags were from the start to the finish, the more likely you'll repeat the same mistakes.

    It may seem counterproductive taking full responsibility for something that's not 100% your fault (it takes two to tango) but I've found my recoveries doubled as quickly and I was able to try and see things from the other person's point of view also and relate to the other person. You may not agree with each other but you can accept the outcome. In the end it's about no one else but yourself and how you want to live your life or how you see yourself living your life. I can never imagine myself down for long and it just doesn't happen for me. Not with break ups. I get down over other things like deaths in the family and transitions between life and death for example. I'm still grieving in my own way but I cannot stop living and I'm not down or in a haze anymore.

    In the end you'll see that this person made a decision not to be with you but it's an outcome that you can own 100%. See it and feel it for everything it is, good times and bad times. Take the opportunity and get to know your new town, meet new people. Be realistic with the job search. Start out temping if you have to or see a temp agency/job agency where they place people or a career counselling office.
    Wow, that really gives me something to think about. I really appreciate the insight, though.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing. It's never too late to undo a mistake like moving for someone when you you aren't comfortable in the area and didn't know how things would look. Just restart your life there with a fresh perspective.
    Originally Posted by Loki1110
    My best friend was 2400 miles away in Nashville, and he invited me to crash with him. So within 24 hours I packed up all that I owned into my car, and I left. I drove across the country in 3 days.

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