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Thread: General consensus? Not interested or other possibility

  1. #1
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    General consensus? Not interested or other possibility

    Okay,

    Guy I am seeing (same guy here: [Register to see the link] )

    We had a Saturday plan but it was not officially set (place, exact time etc.) by Friday we were talking when he was at the airport at noon and I finally just asked for a rain check. I had offered the morning to someone else (my uncle, not another suitor) and not having the date details finalized was interfering with my life, making other plans. I kept having to say ‘I will let you know’ to others— I don’t like being like that.

    So I told him everything had been so busy (truthfully) and I was working all day Sunday, can we do Monday or Wednesday (I didn’t mention being stressed by a lack of plan). He was super understanding, Monday worked better, we’d do around five and firm up the exact plan nearer to the day.

    Fine. Sunday at three o’clock he reached out saying, I know you are working so might not work but do you want to go to thing we both like tonight? No pressure. Excited to see you tomorrow, I’ll text at lunch with the plan.

    I couldn’t make it to the thing, I let him know that I would love to under other circumstances. He was good with that. I didn’t really care about not having specifics so long as I knew the day & time.

    By early afternoon today we had a firm plan. 5:30, meet location, yay.

    Just before 4:30, he’s say “I really hate to do this, but we’re going to need to reschedule. I’ve been fighting a headache all day and it’s getting worse, so sorry :( “

    I know you aren’t mind readers but what vibes do you get? Thanks

    ** Oh and how would you respond?! I meant to ask that!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean life gets pretty ****ty when you're defaulting to assuming the worst of people. If this is his first offense, I'd chalk it up to a socially retarding migraine. I'd let him know you understand and wish him good health, and leave it to him to put the effort in to reschedule.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I wonder why he didnt pop some Tylenol when the headache started then he'd likely be ok to meet with you.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I wonder why he didnt pop some Tylenol when the headache started then he'd likely be ok to meet with you.
    I get migraines and once they start, i need dark, silence, etc, and i will probably vomit. If i don't get dark and silence - i will for sure vomit before i start to feel better. If i get it, well, i might not have to. There is no stopping that train. If its someone i have known for 10 years and i can be there in my pajama pants and i can climb into a closet there, i might go, but not someone new

    (I didn’t mention being stressed by a lack of plan)

    this is the underlying issue. The dude was out of town, flying back into town on friday. he probably couldn't commit until he was back. I would have instead "being stressed by lack of plan" either have suggested a plan for saturday before he was back (friday would be unfair), or i would have gone with the flow - you ended up with your uncle - so fine. But if he ha a headache, i would have taken a raincheck. If he had to cancel on Monday, i would have said "feel better. i will text you with an idea for Wednesday" and if you don't get a response by wednesday morning, leave him be.

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  6. #5
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    I think you are on different pages, to be honest.

    It seems to me that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. That’s why you are reading all the signs, trying to do things “by the book”, etc. It’s - shall we say - a goal-oriented approach?

    The vibe I’m getting from him is that he’s enjoying casually getting to know you, seeing where it goes, etc.

    IMO, you are the one kind of playing games here to try to assess his interest levels. If you wanted to know what the plan was on Saturday, why didn’t you just ask? Instead, you were playing the “high value” game cancelling because there was no set time and place.

    You cancelled on him, you rejected an offer, now he’s cancelling on you (and to be fair - headaches do sometimes happen).

    In my experience, relationships rarely get off the ground when one or both of you are playing games.

    I would just do as j.man suggested and express that you hope he feels better and to leave the ball in his court to reschedule.

  7. #6
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    “Instead, you were playing the “high value” game cancelling because there was no set time and place.

    You cancelled on him, you rejected an offer, now he’s cancelling on you (and to be fair - headaches do sometimes happen).”

    Hey, I don’t see my myself as playing a game. I felt like I had bitten off more than I could chew regarding planning with multiple people when one was non-committal.

    He told me Saturday it was a lot better in the end that we rebooked as he wasn’t adjusting to the time change we’ll.

    I have headaches and they range from minor annoyance to vomiting and needing full darkness and silence. I get that.

    I don’t doubt the legitimacy of such a thing, it was just odd to only hear about it an hour before...

    It had me wondering if he was just flaking.

  8. #7
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    Reddress “ It seems to me that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. That’s why you are reading all the signs, trying to do things “by the book”, etc. It’s - shall we say - a goal-oriented approach?

    The vibe I’m getting from him is that he’s enjoying casually getting to know you, seeing where it goes, etc.”

    This is spot on. Thanks
    I don’t think he is looking for a casual relationship but he more laid back in his approach for sure.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I mean life gets pretty ****ty when you're defaulting to assuming the worst of people. If this is his first offense, I'd chalk it up to a socially retarding migraine. I'd let him know you understand and wish him good health, and leave it to him to put the effort in to reschedule.
    Thanks Jman, this was my approach.
    I wasn’t sure if I should have offered up another option but felt like that would be the last thing I’d want to think of if I had a severe headache.
    Also felt that leaving it in his court will show his interest as well.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Does it need to be so complicated?

    I'd have sent a text in two seconds saying, "Bummer—but know how those things can creep up on you. Let me know when works for you. Looking forward to it." And then he'd respond...however he'd respond. Odds are what would happen is that you'd see each other a third time, sooner than later, and that would give you a chance to see how you feel about him, and vise versa.

    I'm sorry, but I can't imagine even jumping to the "not interested" conclusion from all that, or really caring all that much to know how interested someone is after two dates. I mean, aside from your interest in his interest level, are you interested in seeing him? If so, lean on that. He's clearly down to see you too, as evidenced from the request to, you know, see you the other day.

    I don't mean to sound flip, this is just a lot of testing and gauging of something when the stakes haven't even been placed in the ground.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Does it need to be so complicated?

    I'd have sent a text in two seconds saying, "Bummer—but know how those things can creep up on you. Let me know when works for you. Looking forward to it." And then he'd respond...however he'd respond. Odds are what would happen is that you'd see each other a third time, sooner than later, and that would give you a chance to see how you feel about him, and vise versa.

    I'm sorry, but I can't imagine even jumping to the "not interested" conclusion from all that, or really caring all that much to know how interested someone is after two dates. I mean, aside from your interest in his interest level, are you interested in seeing him? If so, lean on that. He's clearly down to see you too, as evidenced from the request to, you know, see you the other day.

    I don't mean to sound flip, this is just a lot of testing and gauging of something when the stakes haven't even been placed in the ground.

    Thanks bluecastle, very right.

    I guess I just like what I’ve learned about him so far, even if it was two dates. He’s a unique person and I feel like I really want to get to know him better and it scares me if he isn’t interested in me or if he’s trying to back away slowly.

    End of day I’m just afraid of getting hurt and I’m trying to match to his level of interest. Which explains the efforts to predict his thoughts and such.

    I’ve always been this way, I’m not sure why. I know it is a self protective mechanism and I’m trying to work on it.

    Him canceling super last minute spooked me.

    Time will tell.

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