Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 34

Thread: He's Pulling Away After Meeting Me, I Am Losing It. Please Help Me Get Him Back!

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    7

    He's Pulling Away After Meeting Me, I Am Losing It. Please Help Me Get Him Back!

    I so appreciate you helping me and reading through all of this. I have been a complete wreck and can really use your advice. I am 32, NY. He is 38, CT.

    I met a guy online by accident. That's a story in itself. He lives 2.5 hours away from me, he has a kid, he got out of a 13 year relationship by getting officially divorced this May. I am able to work remotely. We are both attractive and attracted to each other, but we developed an unreal and very natural soul connection immediately. It had lust and love and sweetness and creativity and we both felt it almost immediately. It took me completely by surprise and I was engaged to be married but things weren't going great, I knew I had to get out of it somehow but didn't want to disappoint everyone coming to the $100K wedding. Everything for the wedding was finished. At first the guy didn't care much but it started to bother him as feeling's developed. He's a good guy, emotional, introspective. Listen's to a lot of Podcasts like Mark Groves Create the Love about bettering yourself and your relationships. We got in some tiffs about the situation but once I had my fiance leave and we were breaking it off, it started to get better. A therapist recommended we go through with the wedding festivities as sort of a goodbye to what we had, but not make it a legal wedding. This way we wouldn't have the pressure of calling it off, having our families waste all their money and flights and resources, and we could enjoy our time and then slowly fade away. This is what me and my fiance did.

    For slightly over two months we spoke every single day for hours each day. Literally all day long. We spoke about deep topics, past relationships, how we want to love in the future, how we can improve ourselves, our childhood traumas and family dynamics, shared love for music and art. We wrote songs for each other. We would tell each other how often we were thinking about each other. At first it was intense, almost immediate love. Then, after a bit of an argument and setback due to the situation I was still in, he pulled back only slightly in his overt affection, but still kept talking to me. We chatted each day and got back on track quickly, getting things to a light and fun place again. He would tell me all the time his fantasies he had about meeting me. We would plan ideas for future dates. I was so excruciatingly happy to get a text from him at the beginning of each day. We spoke on the phone, he would send video clips even when he went away on vacation and on a weekend trip with his friend or son and his parents. Even the start of my wedding week he called me and sang on the phone, told me it was all going to be okay, I'd be through it soon, he thought I was beautiful and sweet and liked me and wanted to see me and date me and see what happened.

    As the wedding came and went we still had contact but he was a tad off, we kept missing each other, but he was slightly flirty at one point and also responsive. On the morning of the wedding he said Good Luck. He also said he muted me on Instagram to avoid seeing wedding related content because it started to sting a bit. I noticed him viewing some of it regardless.

    The day after the wedding, he was a little distant and not super responsive. And I started to panic. I texted him to see if he wanted to have a phone call and never got a reply, despite him texting me only moments early. This made me spiral a bit and rush into meeting him prematurely the next day. The next day he said Good Morning and we spoke for a few minutes before I joked around and asked him if he was going to be weird to me forever. He was light about it, said he hadn't been ignoring me was just at dinner (still, to not get back to me afterwards was unlike him) and joked a bit, asking me to cut him a little slack. I took a huge risk and asked him to hang out that same day by being spontaneous. He was surprised. He had work very early the next day. He had his dog to worry about. I pushed him a bit, it was rushed. He's not really the type to quickly change his plans for the day. He couldn't come all the way to meet me in NY, but if I met him in Stamford he'd drive the 1.5 hoursish to take me to dinner. I ended up taking 2 trains and an uber to see him and he picked me up. He texted me through the journey and helped me out each step of the way. He said he imagined hugging me and getting butterflies. He finally picked me up.

    We went to a restaurant and sat at the bar. It was 6:30. I knew we'd only have a short time together, but he made sure to check out the time he'd have to drop me back off at the train. At first he thought 8:58 was the last train, then realized there was a train every hour, but instead decided that 8:58 would really be the last train home I should take for him to get home and in bed by a reasonable hour for his first day of work the next day (he's a school counselor). For some reason, knowing our time would be so short together really made me nervous and I started joking about it. He asked if I wanted another drink, I said "I don't know do we have time?", he talked about what food we wanted to order, I joked about how "do we have time, we only have an hour and 49 minutes." But we were laughing the whole time. It felt like banter. He joked back, he said "look, I can take you back right now." We talked about many topics and he touched my leg, we laughed a lot, it was still rushed and quick though. He took me back, he hugged me in the car from behind and rubbed my neck a little bit, and I ran to the train- there was no attempt at a kiss, no attempt at a hand hold, the texts after were like "how's the journey?" and "my car smells like a girl." He never said it was great to meet me, etc. But I didn't feel like it was that bad. Just new, just rushed.

    The next day, I guess because I'm sensitive and was spiraling a bit, I got into a whole conversation about the date. I was feeling vulnerable and really seeking a little validation. The convo started out fun and light, I told him how he was in person, shy, not a lot of eye contact, very attractive, touchy. He said he was usually way more touchy but couldn't be all 30th date on me yet. I asked if he considered kissing me, he said yes, but he wasn't quite getting the signs and since he knows I like to wait and take my time (this is something we've discussed), what's the rush? I should have stopped the conversation there. There was hope for the future. But then I asked how I was in person. And that's when everything went down hill.

    He said I was pretty as advertised, great hair. I was smarter than him, he could feel it. He was a bit intimadated, nervous. I also agreed I was nervous. He said I was different in person. He said I interupted him a lot, he found it difficult to complete a thought or finish a story, said I have that crazy smart brain that's just moving soooo fast. I did not feel anything weird here, but of course looking back, I feel like I could have been slower and sweeter and simpler. I am regretting. He also said he noticed that I pointed out every mistep, like if he looked at the tv (I made a joke, which he laughed at, it was normal banter), or with his train time mistake, or if he regurgitated a thought from a podcast. He said "and that's what made me feel not good enough and not smart enough. Felt myself closing up as the night went on, afraid to be vulnerable. Hence no kiss, didn't want to mess that up. And that's as honest as I can be." I was wounded after this. I felt sensitive. We got in a bit of a tiff. But I said look, I really am sorry. He asked me if I pointed out his mistakes because it was an insecurity of mine. I said absolutely not, we were both just bantering back and forth. That's how everyone I know jokes. It was conversation fodder and it didn't bother me at all. I also pointed out when our legs touched in a flirty way as a fun running bit. And I said I really am sorry. He went to take a shower and in the interim I said a few things, including "I want to experience you sweeter, slower. And if it's right, I want to taste your tongue." That wouldn't have been a weird thing for us to say before now. He did not answer that specific thing. A couple of hours later he texted me back and said basically said "Listen, I'm just giving my thoughts. And a road map to me. I guess. I'm not upset. We all have stuff. We all have healing. I just spent 13 years not being good enough or doing anything right and I always just took it and didn't say anything. I want to be able to say 'Hey, I didn't love that.' Not your fault. Your you. You don't know all my tender spots and I don't know yours."He said "On a positive, I like how we can do this stuff, talk through it maturely. And that's very important. It's important to feel heard. And simply validated in feeling." He also said "I'm a hurt and damaged person. You know this. Proceed as you will. But you've been warned. I don't feel like I have a strong sense of self yet." When I asked what he meant, he said that something I said in person hit him and became so clear. It was that he conveniently has a stop point for every possible dating situation, that he has these "things" that don't allow for closeness in every possible situation. I said "so change it. get uncomfortable." He said "I get it. I do. You like dug into my subconscious and now I gotta see what my blocks are." He also said he's usually very thick skinned, likes to tease and be teased, like how he is in text. But he became very aware that in person he's sensitive right now, like a raw wound, and that's him being super vulnerable. I said that I could slow that down for him in person. I also said "I noticed that there were never any 'it's so nice to meet you's' or 'this was good's' or 'i had a nice times' and that was my insecurity. He agreed, saying "you are correct, i wasn't super warm. I was off balance and guarded. I felt cautious." I said "Small ouch." He said "I apologize." I asked "Do you think you'll be able to be warm?" He said "Yeah" then he said he was going to sleep and thanked me for talking because I "make it easy." I said "The weird part is that tihs wasn't a disaster. It was actually kind of fine. There was conversation there. Sort of light. I recommended a do over, however." He said "I'm not saying it was a disaster. I'm being light about it.I don't want to hold anything in." I said "I feel you, but still, do over?" He said "absolutely."

    The next day I didn't hear from him all day. I texted him in the evening about how I was nervous about a sudden work trip to DC the next morning. I felt under-prepared. He has known about my work possibilities and that this was a big deal for me. He responded in a fast amount of time and started to tell me not to be nervous. He seemed a bit distant but still responded in a friendly manner. I could feel a distance but it could have also been in my head or been because he was busy with his son. I brought up a few topics, he answered but didn't offer much back. Though he did send one pic of his son. At one point I asked if I could give him a compliment he said always but e had to put his son to bed first. He came back and said compliment time. I said "then can you put me to bed?" He said "mmm" so that was slightly flirty I suppose. We spoke a bit more and he seemed to engage a bit after I gave im a compliment and it was about him. He said he was sleepy. I said "Wanna sleep with me?" He didn't answer right away, which felt odd, since he had been right there. I then qualified "I mean that non sexually" (though in the past I would have never had to do that... and he said "I'd sleep with you." I excused myself to go to bed for the day ahead. He wished me well again. Starting the next day, our texts became VERY SCARCE and I have felt increasingly sick.

    It feels to me that he has all but pulled away because, since then, he has barely initiated contact, or if he initiates it's almost always short with an excuse of why he can't really get into talking built in (going into yoga, going to bed, etc.). Keep in mind that the response time between our text exchanges has gone from minutes or seconds to hours and hours, sometimes he doesn't respond until the next day. I am confused and very very very depressed and hurt in so many ways over this sudden pull back that came after meeting me. I have been trying to keep it very light and not be pushy since I was perhaps too much the last time we had a full convo. I just can't believe it has come to these empty well-wishes, and I am devastated.

    Here are this week's text exchanges, along with the times.

    THURSDAY THE 5TH

    8:28AM
    HIM: Good luck today. Breathe. You'll be fine.

    3:09PM
    ME: I go next

    5:30PM
    How'd it go!
    Going into yoga. Give me an update

    7:26PM
    At dinner. Interesting..
    Call u after?

    (he never responded to this ever)

    FRIDAY THE 6TH

    4:07PM
    HIM: Sooooo what happened
    Deeets

    SATURDAY THE 7TH

    3:03PM
    ME: Hii
    Headache, meditation helping already. How are you??

    5:28PM
    HIM: I'm good. Busy day with Ben. Fair season !!!

    5:41PM
    ME: !! That's awesome. Who's having more fun?

    (no response this day)

    SUNDAY THE 8TH

    12:04PM
    Ben definitely. Lol
    I was just tortured with amazing food
    Dropping 20s like I was Post Malone

    1:24PM
    ME: Haha. My brother won a goldfish once at a fair that grew to be over a ft long. Careful with those.

    7:58PM
    HIM: Golfed today. And then my dad had a health scare today. He's ok. Just a blood infection.

    MONDAY THE 9TH

    12:14PM
    ME: Oh no. Is that like sepsis? How's he/everyone doing? What happened?

    9:38PM
    HIM: Exactly. Smarty. We're all ok but just a bit stressed I'd say. 'm with Ben and gonna sleep Exhausted

    *Sends photo he took earlier of a flower* (I noticed from a friend's account that he posted this same flower on his Instagram story about a half hour prior with the caption "just pretty")

    I haven't responded yet because I am scared. I want to get him back. My worst fears seem to be playing out before my eyes. That he met me and we had one awkward convo about our meeting and he is slow fading out on me as opposed to ghosting me. He does not seem to be interested, yet hasn't completely ended things. He isn't engaging a back and forth conversation and hasn't talked about seeing me again. He never mentioned the phone call he ignored. This would really hurt if this were the case after everything we had and shared. It would kill me to know that it happened after we met, that our potential wasn't realized, that we never got a "do over." It would make me feel like meeting me in person was the reason. That I'm not good enough. That I am too much, not enough, awful.

    What I am looking for is some insight to what's going on. Someone to talk to about this with. Other perspectives. Maybe a guy's perspective, too. Someone to possibly show me a sign that he's not actually gone forever and will come back around again and give me a second chance and we will be okay and fine. Maybe some ideas on what to do to regain neutral with him and get things back on track. Maybe an idea for what to say to reengage him. I know I don't want to say anything too pushy or needy during this fragile state that will make him end it officially.

    Also taking suggestions for what I can say back to reignite interest?
    Last edited by fadedfntasy; 09-10-2019 at 07:44 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,204
    Gender
    Male
    Ask and you shall receive. But buckle up. I'm very much on your side while suspecting you are not going to like lot of what I'm about to say.

    Cliff's Notes of it all: This is what it looks like when two people who are emotionally unstable in heroic ways—with you winning the blue ribbon, if I had to judge—try to connect. Basically bad news all around. If you allow yourself to do some reflecting and get to a better spot, rather than obsessing about something that is connected to a very bad spot, that will be clear as day.

    I mean, let's just lay this out without the poetry. Had you not been unhappily engaged, which is to say deeply unhappy in a relationship that had lasted years, none of this would have ever existed. One, you wouldn't have been "accidentally" meeting a random on the internet. Two, if you somehow did, it wouldn't stick, even if it was Brad Pitt with the mental chops of Chomsky. Three, you would not have it in you to spin out this hard, this fast with someone who only existed in pixels. You were thirsty af, as the kids say, and the on-screen version of him became your thirst-quencher. You say soul-connection, I say misguided fantasy fueled by emotional cyber-infidelity.

    Brass tacks: you were emotionally cheating on your fiancé, and in him found a way to get out of wedding you weren't really committed to. Graceless, but good in the long run. Instead of leaving it at that, however, you now want him to fill the void, and to fill it NOW NOW NOW.

    Getting past that significant ethical snafu—because, hey, we're all humans in a crazy world—I'll be frank about the rest. There is no emotionally healthy man in the world who can absorb the tsunami-like energy you're putting out right now. He could, for a bit, because he's not too healthy himself. He's a dude reeling from a divorce, just learning how to breathe again. So he was down to play therapist and patient, as were you, and call all that oversharing vulnerability, connection, when it was more like two soldiers who met in the trenches when the war is still raging. Things that only "work" when bombs are dropping are things that do not work, you know, good as they feel when those bombs are going off.

    But, unlike you, he seemed/seems to see it all a touch clearer—just a touch. He's basically trying to get you to just chill, but you're in no place to chill. Maybe in 6 months to a year, when you work through this manic energy. But not now. Too much thirst.

    So: take a deep breath, pour some cold water on your face really quick. You're a hot, smart, accomplished 32-year-old woman in New York City who has gone straight-up manic panic bananas, not in a cute way, over a man you have met once. And had a so-so date with. So-so because it was not the rom-com you hoped for, and started scripting together over text. That is the story here, not Love, Actually meets The English Patient, with a salt shake of Four Weddings and a Funeral. The amount of emotional weight you are putting on the scale simply makes no sense. The scale can only crack. It's cracking now. It's cracking not because of something between you and him, but something cracking in you the predated him and you really, really want him to fix.

    He can't. No one can, save for you. My humble advice, as a man who has gotten twisted up in this kind of thirst when I was too thirsty, is to look at this whole thing as the universe shining some lights on some holes in your ship that need your attention. With them patched up you may not be able to fall head over heels in pixels, but you'll be able to actually realize a version of the thing that, in this story, is more fantasy than anything else.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,709
    Gender
    Female
    If you formed this bond with him before you even met him in person then it looks like the chemistry didn't stand up when in person.

    Its got nothing to do with you not being good enough, it has everything to do with you bonding and believing your feelings were real based on words on a screen without having experienced anything tangible together to make them real.

    Please tell me you didn't break up with your fiance, because of these fantasy feelings you had for your online crush. (however its a godsend that you didn't marry him since it appears that would have been a huge mistake.)

    Really, for all you know about him, he's still very much married.

    You hardly know the man, all but one meet in person. Don't let your infatuation of him cause you to lose your self esteem or your sense of self worth. Don't do that to yourself over someone you don't even know past the words he's told you that you don't even know to be true.

    If you can't look at this logically and take a few days to process that you don't know this man so why are you so devastated, then maybe you would do well to book yourself into therapy and go over your reasons for feeling so bad over something that really never was and to delve into why you stayed to the point of being engaged to a man you clearly don't even love.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,204
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If you can't look at this logically and take a few days to process that you don't know this man so why are you so devastated, then maybe you would do well to book yourself into therapy and go over your reasons for feeling so bad over something that really never was and to delve into why you stayed to the point of being engaged to a man you clearly don't even love.
    Adore you TwT—always taking what I say in a million words and reducing it to its essence.

    I think you were "losing it" a bit before he started pulling away, before you even "met" him, and you wouldn't think you'd found much here if it weren't for that "losing it" stuff.

    No, I'm not saying you're a lunatic who needs to be locked in a padded cell. You're an awesome woman. Just one who has lost a bit of the plot and is using your big, impressive brain to fill in the story at light speed. Because without that story there's just not much to hold onto.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    7
    Thank you for all these compassionate and thoughtful words. I recognize that I am in a manic frantic state right now, but there are a few things I know to be true. I did not leave my fiancé for him. And also, I didn’t even let him know I was unhappy at first. We unfolded naturally in sharing. I am the National Event Director for a singles club, I meet tons of people and always have, both socially and professionally. I have never connected with anyone like I did here. I know that feeling was mutual. He would also ask me for validation up until very recently. He even deleted himself off all dating sites recently and wanted me to know. He’s very honest. He’s certainly divorced. I have seen and know quite a lot about his life. It all checks out. I am not normally a panicky type of person. I don’t spiral. That is why I am trying to get back to a neutral place. I don’t want to believe the chemistry didn’t stand up in person because I didn’t show up as myself. I was nervous, it was rushed. I would love to sit down and try to speak with him normally. I had a client offer me tickets to a concert for the end of September. We had discussed this being our first date. We actually had a couple of almost meetings that got cancelled. I am kicking myself I rushed us into something at an unnatural pace. I am upset that I didn’t show up as my actual self and so I feel like our chemistry and our connection wasn’t realized in person. It was so fast. I want to take him at his word when he said “absolutely” we could have a “do over.” But it doesn’t look like that is happening. I would love to find a natural, calm way for that to happen.

    Part of me also feels like he is a bit too analytical over the whole thing. It wasn’t a crazy weird meeting or anything. It was a short, funny date, we bantered and laughed and had two drinks. Going so deep on it seems a bit sensitive.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,067
    But people don't usually get this attached after "first dates" or short, funny dates. Your world has NOT fallen apart. At least, it shouldn't have.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,709
    Gender
    Female
    Ha! :) @Blue: I just wish I had your gift of putting it so calmly and esoterically. I only know one way - bluntly.

    ... and I agree there were a few red flags ignored along the way that you have included in your opening post, Op that he wasn't as quite into this online thing as you believed him to be. The very fact that he even kept talking to you knowing you were engaged and a date set and celebrations booked is a red flag in itself. He should have bounced then after telling you to contact him when/if you were single.

    You'll be fine... you just have to take it all at face value instead of on hope and conjecture of what MAY have been.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    1,738
    This guy said himself that he is broken and damaged and doesn’t have a strong sense of self. He can’t bring his best self to a partnership! Do yourself a favour and let this fish swim away (and then do some introspection as to why you aren’t heeding the red flags and unlike mr broken and damaged, you can grow as a person)

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    7
    I’ve been attached for some time. He’s also been attached. It’s not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life. We very much cared for each other. But there’s a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final. That makes me feel like we can’t even take some space and try again in 6 months, when we’ve both had time. My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though he’s seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldn’t bare to give me another chance after everything we had. And so there’s an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know I’m great in social situations, and I’m witty and smart and attractive. It’s very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    7
    He had a lot of issues with me being engaged. He was hurt over it. We worked through it by communicating well. But it was very difficult for him and I would say the hardest part of our situation was him not wanting to be the cause of my breakup (he wasn’t) while also being there for me. He wanted me to heal, and I him. He would say we were going to be good for each other, the way we balanced through these times of turmoil. But it was not simple. Once we developed real feelings, the fact that I was engaged was something we had to work through deeply.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •