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He's Pulling Away After Meeting Me, I Am Losing It. Please Help Me Get Him Back!


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I so appreciate you helping me and reading through all of this. I have been a complete wreck and can really use your advice. I am 32, NY. He is 38, CT.

 

I met a guy online by accident. That's a story in itself. He lives 2.5 hours away from me, he has a kid, he got out of a 13 year relationship by getting officially divorced this May. I am able to work remotely. We are both attractive and attracted to each other, but we developed an unreal and very natural soul connection immediately. It had lust and love and sweetness and creativity and we both felt it almost immediately. It took me completely by surprise and I was engaged to be married but things weren't going great, I knew I had to get out of it somehow but didn't want to disappoint everyone coming to the $100K wedding. Everything for the wedding was finished. At first the guy didn't care much but it started to bother him as feeling's developed. He's a good guy, emotional, introspective. Listen's to a lot of Podcasts like Mark Groves Create the Love about bettering yourself and your relationships. We got in some tiffs about the situation but once I had my fiance leave and we were breaking it off, it started to get better. A therapist recommended we go through with the wedding festivities as sort of a goodbye to what we had, but not make it a legal wedding. This way we wouldn't have the pressure of calling it off, having our families waste all their money and flights and resources, and we could enjoy our time and then slowly fade away. This is what me and my fiance did.

 

For slightly over two months we spoke every single day for hours each day. Literally all day long. We spoke about deep topics, past relationships, how we want to love in the future, how we can improve ourselves, our childhood traumas and family dynamics, shared love for music and art. We wrote songs for each other. We would tell each other how often we were thinking about each other. At first it was intense, almost immediate love. Then, after a bit of an argument and setback due to the situation I was still in, he pulled back only slightly in his overt affection, but still kept talking to me. We chatted each day and got back on track quickly, getting things to a light and fun place again. He would tell me all the time his fantasies he had about meeting me. We would plan ideas for future dates. I was so excruciatingly happy to get a text from him at the beginning of each day. We spoke on the phone, he would send video clips even when he went away on vacation and on a weekend trip with his friend or son and his parents. Even the start of my wedding week he called me and sang on the phone, told me it was all going to be okay, I'd be through it soon, he thought I was beautiful and sweet and liked me and wanted to see me and date me and see what happened.

 

As the wedding came and went we still had contact but he was a tad off, we kept missing each other, but he was slightly flirty at one point and also responsive. On the morning of the wedding he said Good Luck. He also said he muted me on Instagram to avoid seeing wedding related content because it started to sting a bit. I noticed him viewing some of it regardless.

 

The day after the wedding, he was a little distant and not super responsive. And I started to panic. I texted him to see if he wanted to have a phone call and never got a reply, despite him texting me only moments early. This made me spiral a bit and rush into meeting him prematurely the next day. The next day he said Good Morning and we spoke for a few minutes before I joked around and asked him if he was going to be weird to me forever. He was light about it, said he hadn't been ignoring me was just at dinner (still, to not get back to me afterwards was unlike him) and joked a bit, asking me to cut him a little slack. I took a huge risk and asked him to hang out that same day by being spontaneous. He was surprised. He had work very early the next day. He had his dog to worry about. I pushed him a bit, it was rushed. He's not really the type to quickly change his plans for the day. He couldn't come all the way to meet me in NY, but if I met him in Stamford he'd drive the 1.5 hoursish to take me to dinner. I ended up taking 2 trains and an uber to see him and he picked me up. He texted me through the journey and helped me out each step of the way. He said he imagined hugging me and getting butterflies. He finally picked me up.

 

We went to a restaurant and sat at the bar. It was 6:30. I knew we'd only have a short time together, but he made sure to check out the time he'd have to drop me back off at the train. At first he thought 8:58 was the last train, then realized there was a train every hour, but instead decided that 8:58 would really be the last train home I should take for him to get home and in bed by a reasonable hour for his first day of work the next day (he's a school counselor). For some reason, knowing our time would be so short together really made me nervous and I started joking about it. He asked if I wanted another drink, I said "I don't know do we have time?", he talked about what food we wanted to order, I joked about how "do we have time, we only have an hour and 49 minutes." But we were laughing the whole time. It felt like banter. He joked back, he said "look, I can take you back right now." We talked about many topics and he touched my leg, we laughed a lot, it was still rushed and quick though. He took me back, he hugged me in the car from behind and rubbed my neck a little bit, and I ran to the train- there was no attempt at a kiss, no attempt at a hand hold, the texts after were like "how's the journey?" and "my car smells like a girl." He never said it was great to meet me, etc. But I didn't feel like it was that bad. Just new, just rushed.

 

The next day, I guess because I'm sensitive and was spiraling a bit, I got into a whole conversation about the date. I was feeling vulnerable and really seeking a little validation. The convo started out fun and light, I told him how he was in person, shy, not a lot of eye contact, very attractive, touchy. He said he was usually way more touchy but couldn't be all 30th date on me yet. I asked if he considered kissing me, he said yes, but he wasn't quite getting the signs and since he knows I like to wait and take my time (this is something we've discussed), what's the rush? I should have stopped the conversation there. There was hope for the future. But then I asked how I was in person. And that's when everything went down hill.

 

He said I was pretty as advertised, great hair. I was smarter than him, he could feel it. He was a bit intimadated, nervous. I also agreed I was nervous. He said I was different in person. He said I interupted him a lot, he found it difficult to complete a thought or finish a story, said I have that crazy smart brain that's just moving soooo fast. I did not feel anything weird here, but of course looking back, I feel like I could have been slower and sweeter and simpler. I am regretting. He also said he noticed that I pointed out every mistep, like if he looked at the tv (I made a joke, which he laughed at, it was normal banter), or with his train time mistake, or if he regurgitated a thought from a podcast. He said "and that's what made me feel not good enough and not smart enough. Felt myself closing up as the night went on, afraid to be vulnerable. Hence no kiss, didn't want to mess that up. And that's as honest as I can be." I was wounded after this. I felt sensitive. We got in a bit of a tiff. But I said look, I really am sorry. He asked me if I pointed out his mistakes because it was an insecurity of mine. I said absolutely not, we were both just bantering back and forth. That's how everyone I know jokes. It was conversation fodder and it didn't bother me at all. I also pointed out when our legs touched in a flirty way as a fun running bit. And I said I really am sorry. He went to take a shower and in the interim I said a few things, including "I want to experience you sweeter, slower. And if it's right, I want to taste your tongue." That wouldn't have been a weird thing for us to say before now. He did not answer that specific thing. A couple of hours later he texted me back and said basically said "Listen, I'm just giving my thoughts. And a road map to me. I guess. I'm not upset. We all have stuff. We all have healing. I just spent 13 years not being good enough or doing anything right and I always just took it and didn't say anything. I want to be able to say 'Hey, I didn't love that.' Not your fault. Your you. You don't know all my tender spots and I don't know yours."He said "On a positive, I like how we can do this stuff, talk through it maturely. And that's very important. It's important to feel heard. And simply validated in feeling." He also said "I'm a hurt and damaged person. You know this. Proceed as you will. But you've been warned. I don't feel like I have a strong sense of self yet." When I asked what he meant, he said that something I said in person hit him and became so clear. It was that he conveniently has a stop point for every possible dating situation, that he has these "things" that don't allow for closeness in every possible situation. I said "so change it. get uncomfortable." He said "I get it. I do. You like dug into my subconscious and now I gotta see what my blocks are." He also said he's usually very thick skinned, likes to tease and be teased, like how he is in text. But he became very aware that in person he's sensitive right now, like a raw wound, and that's him being super vulnerable. I said that I could slow that down for him in person. I also said "I noticed that there were never any 'it's so nice to meet you's' or 'this was good's' or 'i had a nice times' and that was my insecurity. He agreed, saying "you are correct, i wasn't super warm. I was off balance and guarded. I felt cautious." I said "Small ouch." He said "I apologize." I asked "Do you think you'll be able to be warm?" He said "Yeah" then he said he was going to sleep and thanked me for talking because I "make it easy." I said "The weird part is that tihs wasn't a disaster. It was actually kind of fine. There was conversation there. Sort of light. I recommended a do over, however." He said "I'm not saying it was a disaster. I'm being light about it.I don't want to hold anything in." I said "I feel you, but still, do over?" He said "absolutely."

 

The next day I didn't hear from him all day. I texted him in the evening about how I was nervous about a sudden work trip to DC the next morning. I felt under-prepared. He has known about my work possibilities and that this was a big deal for me. He responded in a fast amount of time and started to tell me not to be nervous. He seemed a bit distant but still responded in a friendly manner. I could feel a distance but it could have also been in my head or been because he was busy with his son. I brought up a few topics, he answered but didn't offer much back. Though he did send one pic of his son. At one point I asked if I could give him a compliment he said always but e had to put his son to bed first. He came back and said compliment time. I said "then can you put me to bed?" He said "mmm" so that was slightly flirty I suppose. We spoke a bit more and he seemed to engage a bit after I gave im a compliment and it was about him. He said he was sleepy. I said "Wanna sleep with me?" He didn't answer right away, which felt odd, since he had been right there. I then qualified "I mean that non sexually" (though in the past I would have never had to do that... and he said "I'd sleep with you." I excused myself to go to bed for the day ahead. He wished me well again. Starting the next day, our texts became VERY SCARCE and I have felt increasingly sick.

 

It feels to me that he has all but pulled away because, since then, he has barely initiated contact, or if he initiates it's almost always short with an excuse of why he can't really get into talking built in (going into yoga, going to bed, etc.). Keep in mind that the response time between our text exchanges has gone from minutes or seconds to hours and hours, sometimes he doesn't respond until the next day. I am confused and very very very depressed and hurt in so many ways over this sudden pull back that came after meeting me. I have been trying to keep it very light and not be pushy since I was perhaps too much the last time we had a full convo. I just can't believe it has come to these empty well-wishes, and I am devastated.

 

Here are this week's text exchanges, along with the times.

 

THURSDAY THE 5TH

 

8:28AM

HIM: Good luck today. Breathe. You'll be fine.

 

3:09PM

ME: I go next

 

5:30PM

How'd it go!

Going into yoga. Give me an update

 

7:26PM

At dinner. Interesting..

Call u after?

 

(he never responded to this ever)

 

FRIDAY THE 6TH

 

4:07PM

HIM: Sooooo what happened

Deeets

 

SATURDAY THE 7TH

 

3:03PM

ME: Hii

Headache, meditation helping already. How are you??

 

5:28PM

HIM: I'm good. Busy day with Ben. Fair season !!!

 

5:41PM

ME: !! That's awesome. Who's having more fun?

 

(no response this day)

 

SUNDAY THE 8TH

 

12:04PM

Ben definitely. Lol

I was just tortured with amazing food

Dropping 20s like I was Post Malone

 

1:24PM

ME: Haha. My brother won a goldfish once at a fair that grew to be over a ft long. Careful with those.

 

7:58PM

HIM: Golfed today. And then my dad had a health scare today. He's ok. Just a blood infection.

 

MONDAY THE 9TH

 

12:14PM

ME: Oh no. Is that like sepsis? How's he/everyone doing? What happened?

 

9:38PM

HIM: Exactly. Smarty. We're all ok but just a bit stressed I'd say. 'm with Ben and gonna sleep Exhausted

 

*Sends photo he took earlier of a flower* (I noticed from a friend's account that he posted this same flower on his Instagram story about a half hour prior with the caption "just pretty")

 

I haven't responded yet because I am scared. I want to get him back. My worst fears seem to be playing out before my eyes. That he met me and we had one awkward convo about our meeting and he is slow fading out on me as opposed to ghosting me. He does not seem to be interested, yet hasn't completely ended things. He isn't engaging a back and forth conversation and hasn't talked about seeing me again. He never mentioned the phone call he ignored. This would really hurt if this were the case after everything we had and shared. It would kill me to know that it happened after we met, that our potential wasn't realized, that we never got a "do over." It would make me feel like meeting me in person was the reason. That I'm not good enough. That I am too much, not enough, awful.

 

What I am looking for is some insight to what's going on. Someone to talk to about this with. Other perspectives. Maybe a guy's perspective, too. Someone to possibly show me a sign that he's not actually gone forever and will come back around again and give me a second chance and we will be okay and fine. Maybe some ideas on what to do to regain neutral with him and get things back on track. Maybe an idea for what to say to reengage him. I know I don't want to say anything too pushy or needy during this fragile state that will make him end it officially.

 

Also taking suggestions for what I can say back to reignite interest?

Edited by fadedfntasy
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Ask and you shall receive. But buckle up. I'm very much on your side while suspecting you are not going to like lot of what I'm about to say.

 

Cliff's Notes of it all: This is what it looks like when two people who are emotionally unstable in heroic ways—with you winning the blue ribbon, if I had to judge—try to connect. Basically bad news all around. If you allow yourself to do some reflecting and get to a better spot, rather than obsessing about something that is connected to a very bad spot, that will be clear as day.

 

I mean, let's just lay this out without the poetry. Had you not been unhappily engaged, which is to say deeply unhappy in a relationship that had lasted years, none of this would have ever existed. One, you wouldn't have been "accidentally" meeting a random on the internet. Two, if you somehow did, it wouldn't stick, even if it was Brad Pitt with the mental chops of Chomsky. Three, you would not have it in you to spin out this hard, this fast with someone who only existed in pixels. You were thirsty af, as the kids say, and the on-screen version of him became your thirst-quencher. You say soul-connection, I say misguided fantasy fueled by emotional cyber-infidelity.

 

Brass tacks: you were emotionally cheating on your fiancé, and in him found a way to get out of wedding you weren't really committed to. Graceless, but good in the long run. Instead of leaving it at that, however, you now want him to fill the void, and to fill it NOW NOW NOW.

 

Getting past that significant ethical snafu—because, hey, we're all humans in a crazy world—I'll be frank about the rest. There is no emotionally healthy man in the world who can absorb the tsunami-like energy you're putting out right now. He could, for a bit, because he's not too healthy himself. He's a dude reeling from a divorce, just learning how to breathe again. So he was down to play therapist and patient, as were you, and call all that oversharing vulnerability, connection, when it was more like two soldiers who met in the trenches when the war is still raging. Things that only "work" when bombs are dropping are things that do not work, you know, good as they feel when those bombs are going off.

 

But, unlike you, he seemed/seems to see it all a touch clearer—just a touch. He's basically trying to get you to just chill, but you're in no place to chill. Maybe in 6 months to a year, when you work through this manic energy. But not now. Too much thirst.

 

So: take a deep breath, pour some cold water on your face really quick. You're a hot, smart, accomplished 32-year-old woman in New York City who has gone straight-up manic panic bananas, not in a cute way, over a man you have met once. And had a so-so date with. So-so because it was not the rom-com you hoped for, and started scripting together over text. That is the story here, not Love, Actually meets The English Patient, with a salt shake of Four Weddings and a Funeral. The amount of emotional weight you are putting on the scale simply makes no sense. The scale can only crack. It's cracking now. It's cracking not because of something between you and him, but something cracking in you the predated him and you really, really want him to fix.

 

He can't. No one can, save for you. My humble advice, as a man who has gotten twisted up in this kind of thirst when I was too thirsty, is to look at this whole thing as the universe shining some lights on some holes in your ship that need your attention. With them patched up you may not be able to fall head over heels in pixels, but you'll be able to actually realize a version of the thing that, in this story, is more fantasy than anything else.

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If you formed this bond with him before you even met him in person then it looks like the chemistry didn't stand up when in person.

 

Its got nothing to do with you not being good enough, it has everything to do with you bonding and believing your feelings were real based on words on a screen without having experienced anything tangible together to make them real.

 

Please tell me you didn't break up with your fiance, because of these fantasy feelings you had for your online crush. (however its a godsend that you didn't marry him since it appears that would have been a huge mistake.)

 

Really, for all you know about him, he's still very much married.

 

You hardly know the man, all but one meet in person. Don't let your infatuation of him cause you to lose your self esteem or your sense of self worth. Don't do that to yourself over someone you don't even know past the words he's told you that you don't even know to be true.

 

If you can't look at this logically and take a few days to process that you don't know this man so why are you so devastated, then maybe you would do well to book yourself into therapy and go over your reasons for feeling so bad over something that really never was and to delve into why you stayed to the point of being engaged to a man you clearly don't even love.

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If you can't look at this logically and take a few days to process that you don't know this man so why are you so devastated, then maybe you would do well to book yourself into therapy and go over your reasons for feeling so bad over something that really never was and to delve into why you stayed to the point of being engaged to a man you clearly don't even love.

 

Adore you TwT—always taking what I say in a million words and reducing it to its essence.

 

I think you were "losing it" a bit before he started pulling away, before you even "met" him, and you wouldn't think you'd found much here if it weren't for that "losing it" stuff.

 

No, I'm not saying you're a lunatic who needs to be locked in a padded cell. You're an awesome woman. Just one who has lost a bit of the plot and is using your big, impressive brain to fill in the story at light speed. Because without that story there's just not much to hold onto.

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Thank you for all these compassionate and thoughtful words. I recognize that I am in a manic frantic state right now, but there are a few things I know to be true. I did not leave my fiancé for him. And also, I didn’t even let him know I was unhappy at first. We unfolded naturally in sharing. I am the National Event Director for a singles club, I meet tons of people and always have, both socially and professionally. I have never connected with anyone like I did here. I know that feeling was mutual. He would also ask me for validation up until very recently. He even deleted himself off all dating sites recently and wanted me to know. He’s very honest. He’s certainly divorced. I have seen and know quite a lot about his life. It all checks out. I am not normally a panicky type of person. I don’t spiral. That is why I am trying to get back to a neutral place. I don’t want to believe the chemistry didn’t stand up in person because I didn’t show up as myself. I was nervous, it was rushed. I would love to sit down and try to speak with him normally. I had a client offer me tickets to a concert for the end of September. We had discussed this being our first date. We actually had a couple of almost meetings that got cancelled. I am kicking myself I rushed us into something at an unnatural pace. I am upset that I didn’t show up as my actual self and so I feel like our chemistry and our connection wasn’t realized in person. It was so fast. I want to take him at his word when he said “absolutely” we could have a “do over.” But it doesn’t look like that is happening. I would love to find a natural, calm way for that to happen.

 

Part of me also feels like he is a bit too analytical over the whole thing. It wasn’t a crazy weird meeting or anything. It was a short, funny date, we bantered and laughed and had two drinks. Going so deep on it seems a bit sensitive.

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Ha! :) @Blue: I just wish I had your gift of putting it so calmly and esoterically. I only know one way - bluntly.

 

... and I agree there were a few red flags ignored along the way that you have included in your opening post, Op that he wasn't as quite into this online thing as you believed him to be. The very fact that he even kept talking to you knowing you were engaged and a date set and celebrations booked is a red flag in itself. He should have bounced then after telling you to contact him when/if you were single.

 

You'll be fine... you just have to take it all at face value instead of on hope and conjecture of what MAY have been.

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This guy said himself that he is broken and damaged and doesn’t have a strong sense of self. He can’t bring his best self to a partnership! Do yourself a favour and let this fish swim away (and then do some introspection as to why you aren’t heeding the red flags and unlike mr broken and damaged, you can grow as a person)

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I’ve been attached for some time. He’s also been attached. It’s not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life. We very much cared for each other. But there’s a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final. That makes me feel like we can’t even take some space and try again in 6 months, when we’ve both had time. My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though he’s seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldn’t bare to give me another chance after everything we had. And so there’s an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know I’m great in social situations, and I’m witty and smart and attractive. It’s very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.

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He had a lot of issues with me being engaged. He was hurt over it. We worked through it by communicating well. But it was very difficult for him and I would say the hardest part of our situation was him not wanting to be the cause of my breakup (he wasn’t) while also being there for me. He wanted me to heal, and I him. He would say we were going to be good for each other, the way we balanced through these times of turmoil. But it was not simple. Once we developed real feelings, the fact that I was engaged was something we had to work through deeply.

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I am not normally a panicky type of person. I don’t spiral.

 

Well, then those two sentences alone should be all you need to stop the spiraling. If your normal state is x, and someone else brings that normal state to a roiling, boiling, Nagasaki-like y, it generally means that something very wrong, not very right, is occurring. You say chemistry, I say a chemistry experiment that blinded two scientists and burned down the lab.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear. I want to tell you what you want to hear: that all you need is to do x, y, and z and this thing is about to shoot to the moon. I've got an apartment in NYC—can send you the address and you can invite me to the wedding as thanks. But, alas, momma raised and honest boy and and I'd be feeding you broken glass dipped in chocolate, and I think you've chewed enough of that.

 

I get it. I had a little mini version of this 1.5 years ago, and I swear your first post could be a word-for-word rendition of some of her internal monologues. Her crazy pants met my crazy pants, and we did a little dance. Then it got weird and, yeah, I "pulled away." It felt like playacting a relationship with someone who would never, ever be sated because she wanted it all and wanted it all yesterday.

 

Your mutual, analytical breakdown of your one date was, well, a lot. I'm not sure my girlfriend and I have talked that intensely about our dynamic in 8 months. It's only interesting, you see, when there isn't the other stuff to chew on. The calm stuff. The hot stuff. The warm stuff.

 

This is all head, no body, literally and figuratively. You work for a singles organization. What advice would you give yourself if you came to you?

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I’ve been attached for some time. He’s also been attached. It’s not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life. We very much cared for each other. But there’s a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final. That makes me feel like we can’t even take some space and try again in 6 months, when we’ve both had time. My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though he’s seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldn’t bare to give me another chance after everything we had. And so there’s an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know I’m great in social situations, and I’m witty and smart and attractive. It’s very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.

 

But none of that was real life. You even have the word "fantasy" in your user name!

 

Fantasies are exactly that BECAUSE they are not real. Once reality "intrudes" it's over because the foundation was based on strictly electronic communication, not interacting in person.

 

That's not to say people can't connect online and make something real out of it. They arrange to meet ASAP and only then do they decide if they're compatible enough to think about continuing.

 

But you said yourself he put up roadblocks to meeting. That tells me he knew this wasn't going to be anything real and he tried to put on the brakes. But the train was already rolling, faster than he knew how to stop it or slow it down, and that's why you're in this situation today.

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Thank you for your advice. If I knew me, I would tell myself that he overanalyzed our situation and wasn’t able to just try again. I don’t like that quality in a man. It clearly, after all this, made me very hurt. Very uncalm.

 

I didn’t want it all and want it yesterday. I love our independence. I love our distance. We are in a place in our lives where we would have been able to heal a bit and date slowly, see each other a couple or a few times each month and develop something in person, slowly and naturally. This would have been lovely to me. Slow, sweet, natural flow. That is why I am upset at myself.

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To clarify, we had meetings in place but I ended up having to work, and then my grandmother fell down the stairs. I was the one who had to cancel. He was so excited to meet me. He tried equally or even harder than me.

 

My username was the Damien Rice song that was playing at the time I created this account.

 

It is hard for me to feel that because our rushed 2 hour interaction wasn’t amazing, there should be no hope ever for us, and what we had wasn’t real. Because that is not what I felt or know to be true.

 

I really appreciate the time you’ve given my situation. It means a lot.

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I’ve been attached for some time. He’s also been attached. It’s not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life.
and that is what isn't quite 'right' You should have never formed such a bond to someone you've never even met in person... You don't allow yourself to do such things because for the most part, the online connection does not pan out in real life. Or; the person you are bonding with is too scared or damaged to allow anything to actually develop in real life (which I think is part of his problem)

 

We very much cared for each other. But there’s a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final.
Please be honest with yourself. I fear you would be just as devastated had you never met him and he started to fade on you. If that's the case then that is where you would do well in therapy, to help you with your Limerence (google that and read the Wiki link to it)

 

That makes me feel like we can’t even take some space and try again in 6 months, when we’ve both had time.
Why? What did he bring to you? What hole was he filling in you that your fiance, a man that was actually real and in your life, did not?

 

My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though he’s seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldn’t bare to give me another chance after everything we had.
After everything you had? You had nothing but words on a screen wherein it turned out that HE couldn't live up to. Its got nothing to do with you not being good enough rather everything to do with him not being who he portrayed to you that has you so addicted to him and his words.

 

And so there’s an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know I’m great in social situations, and I’m witty and smart and attractive. It’s very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.
Seems you only want it to "turn around" because you can't bear rejection. Get help for your self-worth because if it was up to snuff you would be disappointed that it wasn't love at first sight, you might cry in your Pinot for a day or two but you wouldn't be as bent out of shape as you are about this and I'm also thinking that if your confidence and self-esteem were up to par, you would have the attitude that it was just an opportunity lost. HIS lost opportunity, certainly not your's because you're the prize.

 

Change the way you're looking at this and you've won half the battle to getting over your disappointment.

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He had a lot of issues with me being engaged. He was hurt over it. We worked through it by communicating well. But it was very difficult for him and I would say the hardest part of our situation was him not wanting to be the cause of my breakup (he wasn’t) while also being there for me. He wanted me to heal, and I him. He would say we were going to be good for each other, the way we balanced through these times of turmoil. But it was not simple. Once we developed real feelings, the fact that I was engaged was something we had to work through deeply.

 

You are talking about you being engaged like it's a minor thing. Inhale, exhale. "He had a lot of issues with me being engaged," said no woman ever when describing the little bump in the road she got through on the path to everlasting love. That he was down to "communicate" through this, and serenade you through it—well, that's evidence of the holes in his ship that need some putty, and stat.

 

See what I'm saying here? Y'all were trying to be each other's putty and your personhood flew clear out of dodge.

 

Timing sucks. Timing is real. Had I met my girlfriend three years ago I can promise you our chemistry would be fuego: emotional, intellectual, physical. Small snags? She, then, was a woman getting out of a marriage while I was a guy twisted up in some latent-adolescent nonsense. We got lucky. We burned off our bs elsewhere, most of it alone, so what we get to "communicate" through is not our bs but all this other stuff, the real stuff that is us, not us as wounded soldiers.

 

You weren't "you" on that date because you haven't quite been "you" in this whole thing. Ugh, I know. But you are awesome, and what I hear burning here between the lines is that you are very thirsty for some attention from yourself. Date yo'self for a hot second. The best studs will fall in line.

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A couple of things.

 

First, you felt like something was off and you were right. Trust your gut. You will rarely have the luxury of an explanation in situations like this because people often don't know their own minds. Or, they are uncomfortable sharing their true feelings--especially when they are conflicted about them.

 

Second, don't automatically assume all of the blame for everything. You may be undersensitive and he may be oversensitive.

 

Third: yes, things felt great and awesome and one-of-a-kind, but beginnings can be like that. It's how many of us ended up being born: pure hormones! Mother Nature's agenda is always primary. Watch out for her, she's a trickster.

 

And finally, he's only been out of his 13-year relationship since May. Even if the separation lasted for years, that's still a huge milestone for people whether they are able to acknowledge it or not. Just scan the rebound threads on this forum. I've been through it myself. I met a guy online ten years ago (I was 32 also! But he was 27). We clicked online, clicked on the phone (the best conversations, and they lasted for hours), even clicked in person! It felt like a dream.... and unfortunately it was. His prior relationship had only been 5 years, not 13. We lasted for about two months before his anger at his last relationship started to resurface. He thought he'd gotten past it but he hadn't. We went our separate ways in the nicest way possible, but I was really hurt.

 

Don't wait around on this. From what you've shared, it sounds like he is in a defensive, angry position. It can't all be due to you. The issues he has will take time to work out, and he gets to set the pace. It's not your responsibility to coach him along. Free yourself for better opportunities. I did, and it was worth it.

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You're just shy out of an engagement. With the exception of emotionally processing the ending of your engagement, this juncture of your life should be a time of lightheartedness - i.e. spending time with friends, having fun, dating different people, exploring hobbies, you get the point.

 

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get this new person "back" as it is evident you're simply unloading your prior relationship onto this one. I don't think it is fair for you to put this new person in that role and I honestly do not believe it will work out.

 

I think life in your 30s is a wonderful opportunity to become completely independent and I hope that you take this time to enjoy it!

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It seems like you were trying to heal and move past your past engagement and he was also trying to move past is prior marriage. Both of you used each other as rebounds but it wasn't sustainable. Take the time to fully heal. You may think it's nonsense and you don't have any healing to do past the end of your engagement or previous relationship but I think there's some unfinished business there. You haven't mentioned much about your family and your friends and how they've been since the fall out and the non-marriage/goodbye event. You haven't said much about your ex-fiance either. It seems you changed men the way some people change clothes in their office mid-day. It was quick, abrupt and unexpected, you think you look different/something changed but you're really the same and nothing has changed. Your engagement did end. You are still living in the same state. You do still live the same life. Nothing has changed for you.

 

Reconnect back with the real world and take this as a lesson learned. It's not enough when someone isn't local and it's not enough moving too quickly from one relationship to another. It's not the end of the world. This has an ultra low impact overall on your life. Reflect and heal. Let this guy go for good. Brush yourself off and don't let this get you down. Move on.

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This was an online fantasy that didn't hold up in person, and was already crumbling even before that.

 

You found an escape hatch from an unhappy relationship and unfortunately, it wasn't an escape hatch that had a solid landing for you. He's not your guy and I wager he never really was. You two let your emotions get caught up in a fairytale of sorts, built on little but your mutual need for attention and affection. You didn't really know him, as a person (because we can't know someone well when we have never met them), but you knew how his sweet nothings made you feel. That's why it hurts so much now, because there's nobody around to make you feel like that now. But there will be, someday. It won't be him, and that's not a bad thing. He's not exactly a stand-up man if he was knowingly engaging with a woman who was about to be married.

 

It is clear he has lost interest and is putting space there. You say you want to get him back, but back to what, exactly? This was never a relationship. I don't think he wants to be unkind and simply ignore you completely, but for him, this is over. Whether it's because he didn't feel a click in person, or his own fear of committing, or doubts about your integrity, or that he's met another woman - it doesn't matter, really. The only take-away here is that it's run its course.

Edited by MissCanuck
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