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Thread: How to get over being possibly used as a rebound?

  1. #11
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    let it go.
    learn to let it go.
    most important thing any of us can learn to do.
    THEN.. learn how to spot it for next time so yo udont' allow it ever again.

    You did what you had to at the time. It served a purpose for you at the time.
    Now it's time to move on. No biggie. Let it go.

  2. #12
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    OP -

    1) Realize that the quicker that you move through this obstacle, the closer you will move towards the right person for you.
    2) Don't take this personally. It doesn't matter if you were a rebound. Your inherent value did not disappear even if you were. Just try to learn the cues of a guy that is overly attentive because he might be in rebound mode.
    3) Don't spend your emotional capital on guys that aren't meant for you. You don't want to be worn out and cynical when the right guy shows up. The longer you waste grieving what's not supposed to be, the longer it takes you to find the right person. I don't know how old you are, but this is especially important if you want kids.
    4) Be thankful that he moved on, even if rejection hurts like a b***. This is his way of saying that you were missing an incompatibility and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. And you would have wasted time. God will give you something better than you thought you could choose for yourself, if you let go of those men that don't work out.

  3. #13
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    Well, that's right, being a rebound is not personal. Anyone could be "used" as a rebound and normally the only way to avoid it is to be on guard and not let it happen to you. No offence but it seems extremely likely that someone that just came out of a two year relationship two months ago would be on the rebound. It's not really possible that after two years they can be over their ex fully and ready for something serious in only two months. The only thing they can offer people is probably sex and not much more. If you're looking for sex then sure it can be fine. But if you want a relationship I think it's best to avoid people that are just out of a break up.

    Hopefully you weren't in love with this guy after only about 1.5 months and you can try as best as you can to move on.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hey most rebounders truly believe this is it, you are the one, etc. They are on such a high. Then they come back to earth and realize it's not true and they feel just awful for pulling you into it. Happens to pretty much everyone...but that is what life does to us...we get a few lumps, we learn, dust ourselves off and we move on. Honestly I don't think there are many people that wake up in the morning and say "I'm going use and hurt someone today".

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you were used as a rebound.

    Yes, you were a rebound since it had been only 2 months out of his 2 year relationship when you two started dating.

    Distance in miles doesn't matter. It's the timing that matters. He plunged into a relationship too soon and used you as a temporary substitute for his ex.

    It doesn't matter that you were inconvenient due to living 1.5 hrs away and it doesn't matter that he did the dumping. Again, it's his timing that makes you the rebound.

    He wasn't ready for you nor anybody. He was just biding his time until it was convenient to dump you just like he dumped his ex and move onto another woman after you. It will be of no surprise when he dumps the woman after you. Same MO (method of operation). Same old song. He has a pattern of self-destructing relationships. Don't you see?

    Be glad that you were dumped. He's a loser. Stay away from losers.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm sorry you were used as a rebound.

    Yes, you were a rebound since it had been only 2 months out of his 2 year relationship when you two started dating.

    Distance in miles doesn't matter. It's the timing that matters. He plunged into a relationship too soon and used you as a temporary substitute for his ex.

    It doesn't matter that you were inconvenient due to living 1.5 hrs away and it doesn't matter that he did the dumping. Again, it's his timing that makes you the rebound.

    He wasn't ready for you nor anybody. He was just biding his time until it was convenient to dump you just like he dumped his ex and move onto another woman after you. It will be of no surprise when he dumps the woman after you. Same MO (method of operation). Same old song. He has a pattern of self-destructing relationships. Don't you see?

    Be glad that you were dumped. He's a loser. Stay away from losers.
    I know...it was actually me who did the dumping because I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

    Is it possible that if you’re a rebound they can still find you attractive/like you somewhat? I just feel so low about myself. I don’t want him to have used me just because I was there. You know, I’d like to think he at least found me attractive if he was having sex with me/taking me out etc. I just feel so ugly

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Someone you went out on a handful of dates with over the course of 7 weeks has nothing to do with your self worth. Therapy would help you tone down this self-pitying dialogue of "I'm too ugly", "I was used", etc. This has to do with you, not how long this guy was out of a relationship or any other issue you would like to ascribe to him.
    Originally Posted by n0cturnal
    Only about 1.5-2 months. thank you :(

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Someone you went out on a handful of dates with over the course of 7 weeks has nothing to do with your self worth. Therapy would help you tone down this self-pitying dialogue of "I'm too ugly", "I was used", etc. This has to do with you, not how long this guy was out of a relationship or any other issue you would like to ascribe to him.
    I am in therapy but it’s obviously a work in progress

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by n0cturnal
    I know...it was actually me who did the dumping because I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

    Is it possible that if you’re a rebound they can still find you attractive/like you somewhat? I just feel so low about myself. I don’t want him to have used me just because I was there. You know, I’d like to think he at least found me attractive if he was having sex with me/taking me out etc. I just feel so ugly
    On the surface, the more you write, what you are describing is just healthy dating. Not being used, not being ugly, but just dating. You met a guy, were curious, explored things. Had some fun, but realized something was off, that he couldn't give you what you need from romance. So you ended it after 6 weeks to be able to find someone more compatible, available in the ways you need. Great!

    Except below the surface you are plummeting, doubting yourself, feeling unattractive, drawn to a negative, self-defeating story of victimization about being "used," and I don't think the reasons really have anything to do with him. I think you kind of felt all those things before meeting him, liked when he made those feelings go away, and are now upset that he didn't prove to be a forever cure for those feelings—upset, you could say, that he couldn't be "used" by you in the way you hoped. The lesson here should be that wanting strangers to cure our deep hurt and tame our demons is just a path toward more hurt. It feeds those demons.

    I'm glad to hear you're in therapy, because unpacking this stuff, learning where these thoughts come from, is what therapy, not dating, is for. Get to the root of it and you can start thinking, feeling differently, and dating from a place of self-empowerment rather than dating to feel empowered and feeling disempowered when things go sideways.

    As smackie said, there are very few people in the world who wake up and say, "I'm going to use and hurt someone today." I highly doubt that's what his agenda was. If he was spending time with you, saying nice things, taking his clothes off with you—then, yes, he found you attractive, liked you. He also, for whatever reason, didn't have it in him to offer you what you needed. That doesn't make him a monster, or a loser. It makes him a human being who isn't "your" human.

    This is what dating is. Most people we meet and flirt with getting involved with do not become our husbands or wives, and even husbands and wives are not answers to our inner turmoil. They are just people. If you can't get somewhat comfortable with that reality, confident that you can take these moments without losing your sense of self and worth, you're going to be in for a lot more hurt and you'll likely view men, the gender you're hoping to connect with, as monsters and losers instead of fellow human beings with their own unique complexities.

    You were not used. You are not ugly. I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out if you were a rebound. You met guy who turned out to not have what you needed, and so, to use your language, you "rejected" him. It's a bummer, but let that be the story. A few weeks from now you may find yourself going on a date or 7 with guy who is really keen on you but who you, for whatever reasons, are lukewarm on. Happens. Humanity. Wouldn't make you a loser or a monster or a user, just someone who was running warm next to someone running hot.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    On the surface, the more you write, what you are describing is just healthy dating. Not being used, not being ugly, but just dating. You met a guy, were curious, explored things. Had some fun, but realized something was off, that he couldn't give you what you need from romance. So you ended it after 6 weeks to be able to find someone more compatible, available in the ways you need. Great!

    Except below the surface you are plummeting, doubting yourself, feeling unattractive, drawn to a negative, self-defeating story of victimization about being "used," and I don't think the reasons really have anything to do with him. I think you kind of felt all those things before meeting him, liked when he made those feelings go away, and are now upset that he didn't prove to be a forever cure for those feelings—upset, you could say, that he couldn't be "used" by you in the way you hoped. The lesson here should be that wanting strangers to cure our deep hurt and tame our demons is just a path toward more hurt. It feeds those demons.

    I'm glad to hear you're in therapy, because unpacking this stuff, learning where these thoughts come from, is what therapy, not dating, is for. Get to the root of it and you can start thinking, feeling differently, and dating from a place of self-empowerment rather than dating to feel empowered and feeling disempowered when things go sideways.

    As smackie said, there are very few people in the world who wake up and say, "I'm going to use and hurt someone today." I highly doubt that's what his agenda was. If he was spending time with you, saying nice things, taking his clothes off with you—then, yes, he found you attractive, liked you. He also, for whatever reason, didn't have it in him to offer you what you needed. That doesn't make him a monster, or a loser. It makes him a human being who isn't "your" human.

    This is what dating is. Most people we meet and flirt with getting involved with do not become our husbands or wives, and even husbands and wives are not answers to our inner turmoil. They are just people. If you can't get somewhat comfortable with that reality, confident that you can take these moments without losing your sense of self and worth, you're going to be in for a lot more hurt and you'll likely view men, the gender you're hoping to connect with, as monsters and losers instead of fellow human beings with their own unique complexities.

    You were not used. You are not ugly. I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out if you were a rebound. You met guy who turned out to not have what you needed, and so, to use your language, you "rejected" him. It's a bummer, but let that be the story. A few weeks from now you may find yourself going on a date or 7 with guy who is really keen on you but who you, for whatever reasons, are lukewarm on. Happens. Humanity. Wouldn't make you a loser or a monster or a user, just someone who was running warm next to someone running hot.
    Wow, this is almost exactly what i needed to hear, thank you so much. So straight to thepoint yet really healing words. I agree, therapy is necessary, and you’re right in I had those feelings before he came along and almost relied on him for temporary ‘curing’ so to speak. This is definitely something I will bring up in my next therapy session and hopefully I can begin to work on myself for the future. Again, thank you.

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