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Thread: Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.

  1. #21
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    Okay -- what if this 35 year old woman cannot marry you for awhile because it may take her awhile to be approved to move here? Would you be willing to move to another country to be with her? Also, what if she doesn't conceive? What if by the time she gets to come here she is 38, by the time you try to start a family, she is 39, she has one child only or miscarries? Would you be happy with a foreign born wife that doesn't speak English and no children to hold you together if she doesn't conceive or miscarries?

    to me, you need to marry someone who you want to be married to regardless of if they actually conceive.

    Also, is this matchmaker a professional matchmaker or just has a knack for setting people up? And are there things in common besides same age and wanting a family?

    If she already was in process of coming to the US for an advanced degree, a job, had visited a lot, had family here, it would be a better situation.

    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I don't know, am I the only one who finds all of this a little disturbing?


    I would say seeing as it is YOU who is ready to settle down and looking for a wife, YOU should be the one who goes to her country to meet her family. I think it's the very least you can do.
    Agree if this is of utmost importance to him he makes time.
    Even if you have to wait a few months to take a trip = especially if her parents are more traditional, etc.
    If she comes over with her mother vs a friend or sister, to me that seems like you are making more of a solid promise. But i do think you should spend time with her and not just the family.

    BUT i do think that he should look to meet women in the United States too -- maybe if you cannot find someone in your direct area, a woman who lives an hour away or two states away will be a better prospect because she will already be in the United States. you should lead with the fact in your dating profile that you are looking for marriage/kids.

    I would not go backwards and reconnect with the other woman as a travel guide- - it didn't work out the first time. But that's just me.

    I don't remember reading if you speak Chinese. If you were born in China, I would look a little more favorably on this connection because you would have more in common

  2. #22
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    There is nothing wrong with looking for a wife. Not at all. But you do it by dating to find her. you can be more traditional in how you date, for sure, but i just think the fact that she barely speaks English may prevent you from really knowing her personality and she yours. I mean, it might work, but have you really exhausted the idea of finding someone local?

  3. #23
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    Marriage takes a ton of work even between people who know each other thoroughly and love each other. Can't you try match.com and widen your area to include places a few hours away?

    This is extremely mechanical and communication is so important. Guess it depends on what you want but being stuck with someone that you don't like, are compatible with or have a connection with will result in a miserable marriage. Just wanting this woman because she wants to settle down is a very sad reason, I would think you're wanting something more than someone that financially relies on you and seems to be keeping because you live in the States and can provide her with support. '__'... I mean does she even have a decent job?

    Marriage is NOT a bloody game. Getting married then divorced is no fun and very financially crippling afterall.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    There is nothing wrong with looking for a wife. Not at all. But you do it by dating to find her. you can be more traditional in how you date, for sure, but i just think the fact that she barely speaks English may prevent you from really knowing her personality and she yours. I mean, it might work, but have you really exhausted the idea of finding someone local?
    I speak chinese too so we can communicate fine. But yes for her to adapt to here in US she will need to improve on English for sure. But in terms of us communicating and culture differences there's none. Plus she been to US a number of times already so it wont be a total cultural shock.


    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Okay -- what if this 35 year old woman cannot marry you for awhile because it may take her awhile to be approved to move here? Would you be willing to move to another country to be with her? Also, what if she doesn't conceive? What if by the time she gets to come here she is 38, by the time you try to start a family, she is 39, she has one child only or miscarries? Would you be happy with a foreign born wife that doesn't speak English and no children to hold you together if she doesn't conceive or miscarries?

    to me, you need to marry someone who you want to be married to regardless of if they actually conceive.

    Also, is this matchmaker a professional matchmaker or just has a knack for setting people up? And are there things in common besides same age and wanting a family?

    If she already was in process of coming to the US for an advanced degree, a job, had visited a lot, had family here, it would be a better situation.



    Agree if this is of utmost importance to him he makes time.
    Even if you have to wait a few months to take a trip = especially if her parents are more traditional, etc.
    If she comes over with her mother vs a friend or sister, to me that seems like you are making more of a solid promise. But i do think you should spend time with her and not just the family.

    BUT i do think that he should look to meet women in the United States too -- maybe if you cannot find someone in your direct area, a woman who lives an hour away or two states away will be a better prospect because she will already be in the United States. you should lead with the fact in your dating profile that you are looking for marriage/kids.
    The matchmaker/mutual friend is not "professional". She is a retired teacher and have been helping people for free for many years. She made numerous matches, some with people within US and some across different countries. She does it as a hobby but does it very seriously. All the people she recommend are people she know through close friends, so at least the family background and character of the match should not be an issue. Plus since she is very close to the girl's parents i doubt her parents would let her (or she) marry then run.

    Yeah i didn't think too much on the K-1 visa thing. but the thing is if i dont start now then when? unless i find someone here i am basically pushing away any chances out further and what would seem to be several months be year +. Also, i would be getting older all the while so the choices in US will be slimmer too. I guess what i am saying is while i am ideally looking for someone here , i can't just ignore the other chances...



    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    Marriage takes a ton of work even between people who know each other thoroughly and love each other. Can't you try match.com and widen your area to include places a few hours away?

    This is extremely mechanical and communication is so important. Guess it depends on what you want but being stuck with someone that you don't like, are compatible with or have a connection with will result in a miserable marriage. Just wanting this woman because she wants to settle down is a very sad reason, I would think you're wanting something more than someone that financially relies on you and seems to be keeping because you live in the States and can provide her with support. '__'... I mean does she even have a decent job?

    Marriage is NOT a bloody game. Getting married then divorced is no fun and very financially crippling afterall.

    I will try to get to know her better for sure and will see if we are compatible or not. I agree this is not a game that's why there were some opportunities i had before that i decided not to continue. But no one's perfect and if everyone's chasing for perfection then divorce rate would be 0 and no one would be married. Of course i am not advocating "marrying anyone" but lets say she is good in few areas and bad in another, maybe it is good enough. If i find her good communicator, nice person, share similar hobbies and adventurous - maybe i wont care as much about her english if she's willing to learn it. I have seen local people with great english but crappy other areas so no one's perfect.

    I definitely want to tread carefully though.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I commented on it, then was told to was not offering constructive advice.

    He has work issues. But, I do believe he should wait until he can get time off so that he can meet with her family.
    Yes, insulting the person asking for advice is not constructive criticism, by implying he wasn't a gentleman. He has a reason for being hesitant to visit, which was explained. He just can't relatively soon. I agree he should definitely visit her.

  7. #26
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    Yeah i didn't think too much on the K-1 visa thing. but the thing is if i dont start now then when?
    K-1 visas are done if you are engaged. You have to prove it and then marry her within 90 days of entry or depart from the US.

    And getting a citizenship is a LENGTHY process. They strongly prefer applicants to be married to an American within 3 years, and you both will be interviewed by Homeland Security to make sure it’s not a sham marriage (her using a marriage as an easy way in for a citizenship, and then leaves you as soon as she gets it). It took my husband 14 months to get his, which was last year.

  8. #27
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    is there a reason why, OP you wouldn't find a woman in the same country as you?

    I don't understand why you would go to all this trouble and with someone you don't know who can't speak your language.

    It sounds like a recipe for disaster, quite frankly, and I would say your chances of a happy ending are slim to none.

    Edit: read your reasons why.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 05-15-2019 at 05:29 AM.

  9. #28
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    Snny has a good point. You can't just pick a stranger and marry and expect her to get into the US for permanent.

    Immigration will want proof that you are in love and have been for a long time. At the interview they will ask for proof such as pictures, messages of love via platforms like Skype, letters etc.
    It is a long process and you need to be legitimately in love and be able to prove this.

    If you do this application and you've got nothing to show and only messages that sounds more polite or friendly, her chances of being approved are very small.
    You'd do much better to have several visits first, save ticket receipts, have pictures, prove that this has been long term and real love etc.

    If you don't have those things, don't bother. Honestly, they aren't going to let some woman in on the hopes that you'll like each other.
    You should have spent a significant amount of time together, and ideally in person. With lots of loving photos and family members who can vouch for you two being in love etc. for immigration to be convinced.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Snny has a good point. You can't just pick a stranger and marry and expect her to get into the US for permanent.

    Immigration will want proof that you are in love and have been for a long time. At the interview they will ask for proof such as pictures, messages of love via platforms like Skype, letters etc.
    It is a long process and you need to be legitimately in love and be able to prove this.

    If you do this application and you've got nothing to show and only messages that sounds more polite or friendly, her chances of being approved are very small.
    You'd do much better to have several visits first, save ticket receipts, have pictures, prove that this has been long term and real love etc.

    If you don't have those things, don't bother. Honestly, they aren't going to let some woman in on the hopes that you'll like each other.
    You should have spent a significant amount of time together, and ideally in person. With lots of loving photos and family members who can vouch for you two being in love etc. for immigration to be convinced.
    I agree. I am not trying to speedtrack this BUT i know i can't waste years and years when everyone's biological clocks are ticking. If i spend 2 years and fail then the chances of getting someone who accepts a 40 year old guy is slim. If our first meeting dont go well then that's that. I really tried finding someone here but cant find anyone. is the path really just stay put and hope someone drops on my lap locally? its like hunting for food - stay and wait for a herd to come or starve to death or travel to another location to hunt? I guess i dont understand what the alternative is if i can't find anyone locally if it's too impractical to meet someone introduced by mutual friend. If she is a total stranger i definitely agree. But i feel she is safer due to the 20+ year relationship between the friend and the family?


    Originally Posted by Snny
    K-1 visas are done if you are engaged. You have to prove it and then marry her within 90 days of entry or depart from the US.

    And getting a citizenship is a LENGTHY process. They strongly prefer applicants to be married to an American within 3 years, and you both will be interviewed by Homeland Security to make sure it’s not a sham marriage (her using a marriage as an easy way in for a citizenship, and then leaves you as soon as she gets it). It took my husband 14 months to get his, which was last year.
    So can she come and stay before that? Or it goes like:
    Engage-> apply for visa -> visa approved -> she comes and marry within 90 days?

    I heard from someone that a non-citizen got married from someone from another country and they are fine? maybe not full citizen conversion?
    Last edited by lioil; 05-15-2019 at 09:26 AM.

  11. #30
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    Move to NY! 40 for a man is very typical of someone getting married and having kids.

    I'm Chinese and know well over 1000 chinese people who came here in their late teens to late 20's and are awesome. Not sure where in the US you are, but so many Asian (Chinese) ladies in Cali and NY.

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