Advice needed for potential relationship with marriage in mind.

[itsallgrand]

This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.

I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.

It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

 

Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

 

Your mindset is so freaking cold.

[Capricorn3]

This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.

I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.

It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

 

Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

 

Your mindset is so freaking cold.

 

Glad to see I'm not the only one. My sentiments exactly.

[Snny]

cant she stay here till it gets approved? Will she get deported if she comes here and marry and not work out? Or perhaps the student visa is a route? Come here to attend school, get married and then process while she in school? idk...

Ok the first one is asking to illegally keep an undocumented alien in our country. No bueno, man.

 

The second one... marriage DOES NOT guarantee automatic citizenship anymore because of the loophole of sham marriages. It used to be easier back in post-WWII days when soldiers were bringing home war brides... that’s over 50 years ago and times have changed when we are fighting to protect our borders from terrorists, human trafficking, gang related crime, and epidemic diseases (measles is now making headway here).

 

The school route is another lengthy process. Not only does she have to apply AND get accepted for a visa but also for school. And like one of the posters mentioned, she may not get approved.

 

I was practically drilled by HS when interviewed. My husband and I were together for 15 years before he got his citizenship and he came here legally, which is what really helped our case. It took him almost 10 years to get a sponsor for him to get a green card.

 

Seriously, even though your friend means well... if you are on a “biological clock” then marrying a foreigner is not worth the time to wait.

[Snny]

What i meat by moving to NY is not for the intent of marrying this woman, but increasing the chances he meet a chinese woman to date and eventually marry. Or somewhere else in the country with a higher Chinese population. Really, though, i think if he has never met anyone - he can stay put and increase his search radius on OLD. He can also try to go to Meetup groups.

I was actually replying to Tattoobunnie’s post. You’re good.

[Wiseman2]

If this is how things are done in your culture, go with the flow and get two things done at once. Meet her and meet the family. Why are you afraid to go there if you speak the language and have to do the family approval thing anyway? ?

Her family approves in terms of my background and they would like me to go to their country and they can host me there to meet me in person. I am a bit hesitant on going there. I think her side feels "unsafe" for her to come all the way to US.

[lioil]

This creeps me out. Women are people, not cattle you ship over when you are ready for someone to breed with.

I'm glad they are making it tougher for opportunists.

It's not that you love her , you haven't even met her. You are literally just trying to import a young woman to have your kids.

 

Why would you even think finding a match should happen at your convience? Sometimes it takes a long time. That's why people take the time to date, even when they are busy. And there are no guarantees.

 

Your mindset is so freaking cold.

 

I never said yeah i am going to seal the deal, just trying to explore this situation. People settle all the time when things come. Maybe the culture difference also applies. In china, unfortunately women >30 are considered "leftover" by men - it is pretty bad but the women knows it and the parents too, thats why they pressure into lowering standards to marry. there's even a word for it - "Female saint" which if you think positive it means the woman is so above you she's untouchable or "leftover woman". I think the other chinese guy in the thread can vouch for it.

 

Especially in top cities in china, the more successful the women are the higher standards they have, not including the "standard" car+house baseline before marriage occurs. I know in US having a car and a house is never a "prerequisite" for getting married, but in china (partially due to view on material things and part on being in a crowded city) that is more or less the baseline for getting married. It is less of "we got nothing but love eachother" but more of "we find attraction and we have the money/car/house to get married".

 

If i really wanted to ship over i wouldnt even be talking about it here asking advice. I would just fly her over and be done. I still feel ideally i meet someone here and develop into something but i have to explore other avenues like introductions from trustworthy friends. Plus right now she is insisting i go over there first and i dont see that happening due to work so we'll have to see. But I do feel if everything goes well it will include at least one trip made by eachother to the other country and phone calls in between?

[itsallgrand]

I get this sense you are desperately trying to meet certain expectations you grew up around. Your parents and family group are pressuring you to give them grand kids now. You were taught getting married and having kids by x time is a must have. That women who haven't done these things by x time are of less value, actual leftovers in society.

However you have an independent brain and are your own person. You can question this story set out for you if you so choose.

 

Taking time to address this desperation to pop out kids will get you a lot further than focusing in on how best to find a walking womb your parents approve of.

[lioil]

I get this sense you are desperately trying to meet certain expectations you grew up around. Your parents and family group are pressuring you to give them grand kids now. You were taught getting married and having kids by x time is a must have. That women who haven't done these things by x time are of less value, actual leftovers in society.

However you have an independent brain and are your own person. You can question this story set out for you if you so choose.

 

Taking time to address this desperation to pop out kids will get you a lot further than focusing in on how best to find a walking womb your parents approve of.

 

Individually i am ignoring their pressure - they have set me up with a few in US and i just didn't feel a connection, otherwise i wouldve been married years ago. I do, however, want to have my own kids and the situation as it presents now with my age and future partner's age doesn't look good. If i had followed the "x time" it wouldve been like 7 years ago but didn't do it. I feel annoyed more than pressure from my parents since every call from them is about girlfriend etc.. I think for me now if i can settle down first and not have kids immediately it will be ok. But not settling down is something that is bothering me too.

 

For what its worth, i did chat with this girl couple times already and i might pass just because she seems to have no plan on what to do in US (vs another who thought about studying then get job while have family) and is asking me to go to china in near future. She did say that her future in US is unclear since we are not at that point yet, which is true but i feel you should still have some sort of plan though for a potential big move.

[SherrySher]

One trip and a few phone calls won't do it.

 

I don't know how else to get you to understand how serious immigration has become on matters like this.

But nevermind..go do it your way but when it fails, you'll see what I mean.

 

It will be a lot of effort for nothing and she will have to go back to China.

[abitbroken]

additioal questions:

 

Do you make enough to also support her and a kid if she was unable to legally work (legally here as a fiancee or wife but not able to work), do you know enough people who speak Chinese so she does not feel isolated/ doesn't feel you are the only one she can communicate with and does she know English well enough to get by during the day without you as a homemaker (ask directions, ask a question at the grocery store?).

[lioil]

additioal questions:

 

Do you make enough to also support her and a kid if she was unable to legally work (legally here as a fiancee or wife but not able to work), do you know enough people who speak Chinese so she does not feel isolated/ doesn't feel you are the only one she can communicate with and does she know English well enough to get by during the day without you as a homemaker (ask directions, ask a question at the grocery store?).

There are some chinese people here but not a huge community i guess. I do make above median household income so i am assuming that includes a kid?

 

One trip and a few phone calls won't do it.

 

I don't know how else to get you to understand how serious immigration has become on matters like this.

But nevermind..go do it your way but when it fails, you'll see what I mean.

 

It will be a lot of effort for nothing and she will have to go back to China.

 

I actually didnt consider that much until opening this thread. I just know many of the mutual friend's matches married and lived well here so i didn't think too much of it. Maybe i should get a lawyer first and figure the ins and outs first? I just know that with Student Visa you can stay until you are done with school, then you have 1 year to find job. Also, with work visa if you are laid off you need to find a sponsor like in 3 months? I guess one part the people here say take it slow and get to know eachother but another part people say it will be extremely hard to convince immigration?

[lioil]

I understand with this one it might not be realistic. I did meet another girl couple of times in US and her family is in US but she is by herself in China. We had good chemistry and still text. However, she is conflicted on whether she wants to keep climbing work in China where she knows she can get into high positions (she makes ~100k usd in china which is impressive) but that will come at cost of being by herself. I did suggest come to school here and she is considering. Should i try to suggest it more when we chat or let it see what happens? Realistically she wont be coming to school here until summer next year. I think if we see eachother couple times in between (she is planning to come here in july) maybe something can happen.

[boltnrun]

Why are you only looking for women in their 20s?

[SherrySher]

How is she supposed to go to school in US if she can't speak English? They won't translate for her and no one will hire her unless she has perfect or near perfect English.

 

Lioil, you're grasping at straws here.

 

Before the Trump Administration you might have had a chance to bring a woman over you barely knew, but it's not going to happen now a days.

 

I think you either need to find someone in US or seriously consider moving to China.

[abitbroken]

Why are you only looking for women in their 20s?

 

She is 35. So he's not. But if he were to choose her, by the time she was able to come here, they are hopefully open to the idea of adoption.

 

How is she supposed to go to school in US if she can't speak English? They won't translate for her and no one will hire her unless she has perfect or near perfect English.

 

Lioil, you're grasping at straws here.

 

Before the Trump Administration you might have had a chance to bring a woman over you barely knew, but it's not going to happen now a days.

 

I think you either need to find someone in US or seriously consider moving to China.

 

I am glad. Reform was needed for the protection of both the American who may have thought it was sincere while the other just wanted a green card and for the other party (particularly women) who thought they were entering a sincere arrangement only to be essentially trafficked - fearing that if they ended an abusive marriage they would be deported or they simply can't communicate enough to get help/don't have a support network or are essentially a prisoner in their home.

 

And as far as school -- she would have to legitimately be accepted to a school and not just show up and enroll at the local community college. I have seen where people who are math or engineering majors don't have amazing English conversational skills - they just sort of get by though they can read English - but they are there because they are the best of the best - there are only so many spots for international students. (obviously you have to be absolutely fluent if you are studying something else.)

[abitbroken]

I understand with this one it might not be realistic. I did meet another girl couple of times in US and her family is in US but she is by herself in China. We had good chemistry and still text. However, she is conflicted on whether she wants to keep climbing work in China where she knows she can get into high positions (she makes ~100k usd in china which is impressive) but that will come at cost of being by herself. I did suggest come to school here and she is considering. Should i try to suggest it more when we chat or let it see what happens? Realistically she wont be coming to school here until summer next year. I think if we see eachother couple times in between (she is planning to come here in july) maybe something can happen.

 

Since we are talking about bachelorette #2-- or are you referring to the original woman?

well -- her coming to school in the US and her coming to school AND wanting to marry you are two different things if this is not the 35 year old.

[Honeycomb8]

There are so many Asian women in the States...I just don't get it.

[lioil]

There are so many Asian women in the States...I just don't get it.

Yet there are still singles out there.. a lot of things didn't work out. Trust me, if i can skip the hassle i would.

 

Since we are talking about bachelorette #2-- or are you referring to the original woman?

well -- her coming to school in the US and her coming to school AND wanting to marry you are two different things if this is not the 35 year old.

 

i am talking about #2. She is smart enough to get into Ivy leagues if she were to apply - she has great foundation. Just that her parents feel she's gonna forego her great career track in China if she were to come to US. And she said it is unrealistic to come here to just get married. She would definitely want to have a job even if she does have a family.

 

I am just not sure how to bring this up again with her - if she were to apply to school in US (IF she makes the decision to come at all), realistically she should start "now" since school apps begin ~september and she needs to take GMAT.

 

As for the first girl i mentioned, I did bring up the visa and other things to her as a cause for pause but she said to not worry about long term stuff and get to know eachother first. Why bother thinking ahead if we dont know we are compatible? She thinks differently than #2 where #2 is thinking ahead and she isnt.

[abitbroken]

Yet there are still singles out there.. a lot of things didn't work out. Trust me, if i can skip the hassle i would.

 

 

 

i am talking about #2. She is smart enough to get into Ivy leagues if she were to apply - she has great foundation. Just that her parents feel she's gonna forego her great career track in China if she were to come to US. And she said it is unrealistic to come here to just get married. She would definitely want to have a job even if she does have a family.

 

I am just not sure how to bring this up again with her - if she were to apply to school in US (IF she makes the decision to come at all), realistically she should start "now" since school apps begin ~september and she needs to take GMAT.

 

As for the first girl i mentioned, I did bring up the visa and other things to her as a cause for pause but she said to not worry about long term stuff and get to know eachother first. Why bother thinking ahead if we dont know we are compatible? She thinks differently than #2 where #2 is thinking ahead and she isnt.

 

I doubt if you met every Asian woman 25-40 years old who is single, was married but was divorced long ago and is looking to start a family or was widowed young. Would you consider dating women who are half Asian? Or what about a woman who is not Asian, but spent part of her childhood in China due to her parents job or mission work so she would be familiar with the culture? because you won't think about moving to or opening up your dating radius to include areas that have more Chinese women, that you really just want someone to fall into your lap or you are adverse to dating.

 

Well does #2 actually want to date you? It doesn't sound like it. It doesn't sound like she is in love with you.

I agree with #1 in terms of not to think about VISAs and a wedding when you haven't even met someone - you don't even know eachother so she feels if you meet and don't hit it off - then no harm no foul. you are trying to find the love of your life = you are not contemplating importing a product.

[SherrySher]

Again , Lioil, it's nice ideas you have but immigrations isn't going to agree with you.

 

You can't just bring a stranger over to the US, marry and expect them to stamp approved on your application.

 

It doesn't work that way, at least not anymore. Have you read the news lately?

[SherrySher]

I agree about woman number 2. That set up is more for you than it is her. You'd be essentially ruining her life so you could have a wife.

 

She is still young, much younger than you. She is smart, has a great opportunity to do well in China. You'd be exploiting her for the sake of a wife and who knows if she'd even like you.

 

My guess would be, no. I'm sorry but you're too old for her.

[lioil]

I agree about woman number 2. That set up is more for you than it is her. You'd be essentially ruining her life so you could have a wife.

 

She is still young, much younger than you. She is smart, has a great opportunity to do well in China. You'd be exploiting her for the sake of a wife and who knows if she'd even like you.

 

My guess would be, no. I'm sorry but you're too old for her.

 

Shes 32 so she and her family are worried too. We were setup by same mutual friend (mutual friend's son helped her dad a lot when he came to US) when she happened to be in US visiting parents. We met couple of times and i felt there was chemistry and she did too. BUT, realistically no decision can be made from 2 meetings and i agree with her. Her father feels she would be restarting her career if she comes to US but her mom wants her to be in US. Her parents got green cards so i think she has no issue with obtaining a visa. So basically the decision is all on her and her parents are hands off.

 

I am not banking on her coming here then marry at all BUT i am still keeping in touch with her to build some relationship so that if she happens to come here permanently and we already have a good relationship established then we can try further. So for sure her coming here wont be because of me but because of her family being here and she thinks family > career. I won't be part of the decision as of now. What I am banking on is continue communication, get to know eachother better. When she comes here in a couple of months I will try to see her again (without monopolizing too much of her family time) and see if we can have better connection. Then I can go to china and visit her if she wants to and see where it goes. I think that's the only thing i can do without pressuring her or anything.

 

 

But in terms of age i thought many here thinks someone 38 can still be with late 20s? If not then my point about marrying soon is valid then?

[abitbroken]

Shes 32 so she and her family are worried too. We were setup by same mutual friend (mutual friend's son helped her dad a lot when he came to US) when she happened to be in US visiting parents. We met couple of times and i felt there was chemistry and she did too. BUT, realistically no decision can be made from 2 meetings and i agree with her. Her father feels she would be restarting her career if she comes to US but her mom wants her to be in US. Her parents got green cards so i think she has no issue with obtaining a visa. So basically the decision is all on her and her parents are hands off.

 

I am not banking on her coming here then marry at all BUT i am still keeping in touch with her to build some relationship so that if she happens to come here permanently and we already have a good relationship established then we can try further. So for sure her coming here wont be because of me but because of her family being here and she thinks family > career. I won't be part of the decision as of now. What I am banking on is continue communication, get to know eachother better. When she comes here in a couple of months I will try to see her again (without monopolizing too much of her family time) and see if we can have better connection. Then I can go to china and visit her if she wants to and see where it goes. I think that's the only thing i can do without pressuring her or anything.

 

 

But in terms of age i thought many here thinks someone 38 can still be with late 20s? If not then my point about marrying soon is valid then?

 

Relationship no longer guarantees a VISA unless someone is a minor and part of the parents' household (13 year old yes, 23 year old, no). Yes, she would probably have no impediments to getting a visitor VISA to visit them because her reason for visiting is totally legit, but she would have to come on her own merit at 32. I think the ball is in her court and if she decided she wanted to marry you, she has to decide if having a husband is more important than what she is doing in China.

[SherrySher]

How did I get the impression then that she was early 20's? Anyhow, no matter.

 

Still comes down to the same thing, you're playing a guessing game here and have to rely on immigration if they will approve all of it or not.

 

You and she could potentially be spending thousands and all for nothing if it's not approved. But if it's a gamble you're willing to risk, then that's up to you.

 

It really is a shame though that you couldn't find a nice Chinese lady right in the US.

 

And yes, agree with abitbroken, she'd really have to like you a lot to walk away from her family and job etc in China, so that too is a gamble.

 

I still don't know why it's so important that these ladies be directly from China. There has got to be many available Chinese woman in the US but again, that's your decision.

[lioil]

How did I get the impression then that she was early 20's? Anyhow, no matter.

 

Still comes down to the same thing, you're playing a guessing game here and have to rely on immigration if they will approve all of it or not.

 

You and she could potentially be spending thousands and all for nothing if it's not approved. But if it's a gamble you're willing to risk, then that's up to you.

 

It really is a shame though that you couldn't find a nice Chinese lady right in the US.

 

And yes, agree with abitbroken, she'd really have to like you a lot to walk away from her family and job etc in China, so that too is a gamble.

 

I still don't know why it's so important that these ladies be directly from China. There has got to be many available Chinese woman in the US but again, that's your decision.

 

 

No worries about age. I think she is rational enough to recognize her decision to come to US is Education/Family not "marry some guy" and i get it. I am just trying to raise my chances by continue the communication channel and if she comes try to connect further and see how it goes. If she decides to continue her career then its all good.

 

In terms of US, i am in communication with couple recently but just messages/phone for now. One (30) is very shy and she's 4 hrs away - I offered to visit for memorial weekend but she said she wants to chat for now. The other one (35) is ~7 hrs away and we just got connected via a dating app. I mean its like solving any problem - go for easiest solutions first if available but it is better to have a more difficult solution to solve a problem than not at all.

 

 

As for Visa issues, should i do more research on it or like #1 said meet first then worry later? I feel more time could be wasted if we are at that point then finds out things wont work out due to visa.