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  1. IMO, while in therapy and working to fix yourself, usually not a good idea to be in a relationship. Just wanted to say that bluecastle, you have the absolute best analogies.
  2. Why doesn't she feel like she also has to make an effort?
  3. I'll echo this loudly. My experience with Bumble was very similar to yours, OP. In dating in general, the odds are always against you. But even more with an app like Bumble, as MrIncredible outlined. Getting ghosted sucks, I know. But as others have said, take it as a sign, move on and do more exploring yourself!
  4. I second what's been said here already - classic move of cheaters is to constantly accuse you of it, so you spend all your time defending yourself and not seeing what they're actually doing. I can't even imagine what you're feeling now after almost a decade. It will be a long hard road but remember it is a chance to change for the better. Hang tough!
  5. I think of all my past loves and interests regularly. Mostly because they're part of my story and who I am, memories of them are triggered just like anything else that I've seen in life. Sometimes maybe I wonder what could have been, maybe even wished I'd done some things differently. But they're all fleeting thoughts that I just let run their course. Ultimately, I wear my scars of past loves like a badge of honor. They haven't killed me yet, so what else can?
  6. One thing I have little to no patience for in a relationship is the "policing" of social media. It is not real life and using it to determine someone's status in a relationship (or on anything, really) is not only ineffective but damaging. Everyone uses it in a different way, if they use it at all. Now, let me add -- someone's SM footprint can be a good window into their actual personality. For example, someone can use it to post something that is clearly meant to "send a message," but can instantly say you're wrong about the intent and make it totally deniable as a Middle Finger Moment. This is where discussing and agreeing on boundaries is absolutely essential in a relationship, and I do believe that accounts for things like social media, contact with exes, etc. But I think this ties well with what Wiseman said - if after realizing you have different ideas of acceptable boundaries on something, you can then decide whether it's something you can continue to deal with. *edit - typos
  7. OP, as others have said, understand this right now -- he will/did blame you for everything, because this is what abusers/cheaters/manipulators do. Do NOT believe him. Abusive people make their victims believe they're to blame for their own problems, either to rationalize them to themselves, or to keep them around in order to stay in that position of power, or probably a combination of both. They are also, as you detailed, the most sweet and loving people when they are not angry, they will swear it won't happen again and promise you anything and everything to get you to stay... so they can continue to abuse you. Cut him and the new one completely out of your life, get into counseling, and most importantly, keep your head high. You are worthy of respect and it gets better! Edit: added content
  8. Is this the same ex you refer to here? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559650 Didn't you already turn down a request to meet her? What changed?
  9. If getting back together isn't what you want, it won't happen. Perhaps you're scared that he will ask to get back together and you will be tempted to say yes? If so, don't. You made the right decision. You weren't being treated in a way that made you feel appreciated and after bringing this to his attention, nothing changed. Hang tough. All breakups suck, even if it's the right thing to do.
  10. Based on what I've read, IMO you were absolutely right to say no.
  11. I'll echo what others have said in that you've been done a favor, OP. The purpose behind going no contact is that it hurts every time you see, hear, or think of them, and that's normal. For example, every time you get a text from them, you'll be hurt if it's anything other than wanting to get back together. By cutting all ties, you reduce the number of sources that can hurt you. As a general rule, one of the first things I do after a breakup is block on social media (if connected there). The purpose isn't so much I don't want them to see me (I have a pretty small social media footprint anyway), and more to remove my ability to "check on" them should I get tempted (which I will, which everyone will, and is again natural as part of the grieving process). I know it hurts, bro. It really can feel like your whole life was blown up overnight, but in the long run it's better this way. Better than continual bickering and pain associated with knowing how/what they're doing and repeated lost hopes of reconciling. Keep your head high and work through all emotions as you feel them. It gets better!
  12. OP, I'll echo what's been said here in that this relationship sounds good as over. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but I get the feeling that the arguments you have are fueled by underlying resentment, reading your post and learning from others who have been here longer than me. Long term compatibility is a tough thing to come by and takes a lot of time to determine. I'll say though - I'm not a fan of her response to the Q&A you described. She asked a question and wasn't prepared to handle the answer, so she just attacked you. That's manipulative. But again - this is a warning sign of the resentment that's been breeding. So what if what you believe you have in common is too 'superficial' for her? Hell, two people can bond over sharing a favorite brand of soda if that's what works for them. I agree that long term commitment requires more than that, don't release the hounds on me just yet, folks , just pointing out that it's up to no one but the two people in the relationship what of their shared (or unshared) qualities work and don't work for them. Hang tough.
  13. This was one of my first thoughts. You'll probably never know for sure, but I'd smell a rat and think was trying to trap you based on her current behavior. I would echo everyone's advice to this point. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what rights you have... and DON'T let her know you're doing so. Do it to help guide your actions from here on out. This is just a suck bomb all around, OP. My heart goes out to you. It gets better!
  14. I agree with most sentiments so far. Trust can only be shown through time and action. Would anyone really expect the answer to a partner asking "will you cheat on me" to be "mmm... yeah, probably." No. So it's just a question that serves no purpose and makes everyone uncomfortable. I'd smell a rat and consider discontinuing the relationship.
  15. Thing is though, your first meeting likely will go very well. You'll be new, fresh faces, in "vacation mode," doing fun stuff. This will give you little to no insight on your actual long term compatibility.
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