Girl's bad communication has me stressed tf out!

I've been seeing this girl for a couple weeks now, and it's been going amazingly. I'm 30 and she's 24. We're in the same grad program, and we share several mutual friends, and yet we never met until a couple weeks ago. It even turns out we even live in the same apartment building! It's been one of those things where we clicked perfectly right away, and I've developed feelings for her quickly. Likewise, she has been equally excited about me and the way things are going. I don't think I need to get into specifics, but I'll say that when we are together, things are incredible. We have SO much in common, and are very attracted to each other. We talk for hours, we laugh, we tell each other about our families and where we grew up etc. We make out. A lot. And then we make plans to do it all again, and I go home feeling on top of the world.

And then there's the in-between time. It's become clear that she is bad at texting. By that I mean, if I text her, it almost always takes several hours for her to reply, or maybe not even until the next day. It stresses me out because it makes me think that all of a sudden she's not interested anymore. When she does finally text me back, they are always very thoughtful, reassuring messages that immediately put my mind at ease. But in the meantime my anxious and neurotic mind plays all kinds of games with me, which is especially true because I really like this girl, and don't want to mess it up. Perhaps it's not that unusual. My sister, for instance, does the same thing often when I text her. And yet, there's a big difference between texting one's sister and texting one's brand new love interest. Some of you might say, "She's still talking to other guys" which I admit I can't definitively rule out. But there have been no signs that she's seeing anyone else right now, plus our mutual friends worked hard to set us up together and I don't think they would be so confident in us if they knew she was dating others. Plus, she just doesn't seem like the type of girl who would string multiple guys along. But again, I can't completely rule it out either.

The particular reason for this post is because this time I'm extra anxious because both plans we made to hang out next have fallen through. We were together Tuesday, it was amazing, and then we made plans to see each other Thursday (today), and Saturday. Apparently we were both a little too caught up in the moment, because she had forgotten she was busy Saturday, and I had forgotten I was busy Thursday. So yesterday she texted me telling me about her Saturday conflict, and I responded by telling her about my Thursday conflict. I then followed up by asking what day or time would work for her to get together instead? No response since. This was last night, and so far this morning she still hasn't said anything. We went from having two solid date plans, to having none. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for her to reply so I know everything's going well, but doing so is making me crazy! What do I do? Do I take to Instagram and try to message her there? Do I simply walk upstairs and knock on her door?? Or do I just continue to wait and play it cool, even if it stresses me out?!

So how do I handle this roller coaster of being on the highest of highs when we're together, to feelings of worry and loneliness when I don't hear from her? I've been wanting to have the "relationship" conversation with her, but with all our plans totally in flux, and her not responding to me, it seems like we've taken a step back. And how do I tell her I'd like her to communicate more if we're not actually in a relationship at this point? Like I said, I realllllly like this girl, and it has seemed like she realllllly likes me, but I've encountered a hurdle in this courtship and it's tough one for me to handle.

Thanks for your time everyone.

Take a step back and let her come to you. And please don't go banging on her door...that has obsessive creep factor written all over it. Go out drinking with her home boys, chat up other girls til she comes around again.

You're letting your anxiety run the show and it's definitely going to hurt you in the long run. I literally can feel you freaking out while reading your first post.

First off, what you wrote does not indicate that this girl is "bad" at communication. She may not be chained to her phone at all times, which is actually a healthy way to be. She also may want actual space in your involvement, meaning she doesn't want to carry on a text conversation with you every time the two of you are apart. As a person who hates texting as a primary form of communication, I feel a lot of empathy for this girl right now.

The main takeaway here is that you need to relax. If things are going as well as you said, trust that she will get back to you and make new plans. Sometimes there are schedule conflicts which affect how soon you can see someone. It's a normal part of the dating process.

I know you want to have "the talk" with her soon. I don't see anything wrong with that, but make sure it's not coming from a place of insecurity. The two of you may not be as compatible as you think if on your side there is a perceived communication barrier. Don't assume she will suddenly want to be barraged with constant texts or respond faster if she becomes your girlfriend.

You're letting your anxiety run in the show and it's definitely going to hurt you in the long run. I literally can feel you freaking out while reading your first post.

 

First off, what you wrote does not indicate that this girl is "bad" at communication. She may not be chained to her phone at all times, which is actually a healthy way to be. She also may want actual space in your involvement, meaning she doesn't want to carry on a text conversation with you every time the two of you are apart. As a person who hates texting as a primary form of communication, I feel a lot of empathy for this girl right now.

 

The main takeaway here is that you need to relax. If things are going as well as you said, trust that she will get back to you and make new plans. Sometimes there are schedule conflicts which affect how soon you can see someone. It's a normal part of the dating process.

 

I know you want to have "the talk" with her soon. I don't see anything wrong with that, but make sure it's not coming from a place of insecurity. The two of you may not be as compatible as you think if on your side there is a perceived communication barrier. Don't assume she will suddenly want to be barraged with constant texts or respond faster if she becomes your girlfriend.

Thank you for this fantastic advice. You're right about the freaking out - I could even tell as I was writing the post how it's definitely going to seem clingy and desperate. I know I've been blowing it out of proportion, but I can't help overthink things, it's one of my biggest flaws for sure! I too hate texting, and I don't expect constant text conversations to happen, I just wish she could be a liiiiittle more prompt when responding.

One of my favorite pieces of advice come from "Master of None" on Netflix, where Aziz's character and his best bud always talk about being the "3 B's: Beautiful, Busy, and Bad-ass" when talking to girls. While I have totally avoided showing my worries to her at all, I clearly have not been following the 3 B's very well these last couple days.

Hold on a second. You live in the same apartment and are relying on cellphones to communicate? This doesn't sound very natural to me and a bit off key. I really don't care what generation you're in. I think you've both lost touch at how human interaction works - sorry to say this. How busy can two grad students be? I don't believe for one second that you can't find 20 minutes or 30 minutes here and there to have a few laughs, give each other a kiss and a hug and say hello.

I'd stop with the texting as it's not a viable means of communication (this isn't very successful to begin with between the both of you). She might find it also very weird that you rely on the phone more than speaking to her in person and yes, maybe she is looking for a man with more fire and spice and someone willing to speak to her in person or knock on her door every now and then a little more often. When I was in uni, we knocked on each others' doors regularly.

Let go of the anxiety and don't build up any scenarios until you get to know each other a bit more. If she catches wind of how insecure you are, I don't think this will go down well. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be annoyed or anxious. I just think it would be better if you were able to get that in control and start thinking more logically about how you can spend meaningful time together. If anything, let this week go and don't push it. Figure something out next week. It's not the end of the world.

Take a step back and let her come to you. And please don't go banging on her door...that has obsessive creep factor written all over it. Go out drinking with her home boys, chat up other girls til she comes around again.

Thank you for clarification about knocking on her door. I thought that's how it might seem, but then there was the other side of it where it seemed silly to sit around waiting for her to text me when she's literally 30 seconds away. But that's not a good enough reason to show up unannounced. Glad I didn't do it.

Thank you for this fantastic advice. You're right about the freaking out - I could even tell as I was writing the post how it's definitely going to seem clingy and desperate. I know I've been blowing it out of proportion, but I can't help overthink things, it's one of my biggest flaws for sure! I too hate texting, and I don't expect constant text conversations to happen, I just wish she could be a liiiiittle more prompt when responding.

 

One of my favorite pieces of advice come from "Master of None" on Netflix, where Aziz's character and his best bud always talk about being the "3 B's: Beautiful, Busy, and Bad-ass" when talking to girls. While I have totally avoided showing my worries to her at all, I clearly have not been following the 3 B's very well these last couple days.

Yes, it is about more than showing your worries, though, because if they are present for long enough, they will eventually come out in some way. Remember that dating is supposed to be fun! Most people don't want to sacrifice the freedom of living the way they want just because they get into a relationship. Work on actually finding peace with uncertainty. It will benefit you whether this girl comes around or not.

Hey there,

You sound like a pretty smart guy. I am however concerned about your possible anxiety? Have you ever had that checked into? Just asking because I have it as well. I used to take medication for it but am off the medication currently.

Just my 2 cents, when someone is trying to set up a time with me to get together and they ask me a question about it (i.e. "What day would work for you?"), I tend to not text back at all until I know the answer, because I'd rather have an answer ready for them. Just throwing it out there that she may be doing the same thing.

I think you are doing just fine. Just relax a little and try to keep yourself busy with other things in your life. If you're waiting for an answer for much longer then I don't see much harm in texting her once again, but showing up at her door unannounced would be over the top at this point, imo.

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

I'm not holding out much hope for this relationship. Your neurotic behavior is going to drive her away.

It's been only a few weeks and you're obsessing about her and imagining all kinds of negative scenarios when she doesn't instantly text you back.

Relax and don't let your anxieties rule you. Not everyone is attached at the hip to their phones.

Hold on a second. You live in the same apartment and are relying on cellphones to communicate? This doesn't sound very natural to me and a bit off key. I really don't care what generation you're in. I think you've both lost touch at how human interaction works - sorry to say this. How busy can two grad students be? I don't believe for one second that you can't find 20 minutes or 30 minutes here and there to have a few laughs, give each other a kiss and a hug and say hello.

 

I'd stop with the texting as it's not a viable means of communication (this isn't very successful to begin with between the both of you). She might find it also very weird that you rely on the phone more than speaking to her in person and yes, maybe she is looking for a man with more fire and spice and someone willing to speak to her in person or knock on her door every now and then a little more often. When I was in uni, we knocked on each others' doors regularly.

 

Let go of the anxiety and don't build up any scenarios until you get to know each other a bit more. If she catches wind of how insecure you are, I don't think this will go down well. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be annoyed or anxious. I just think it would be better if you were able to get that in control and start thinking more logically about how you can spend meaningful time together. If anything, let this week go and don't push it. Figure something out next week. It's not the end of the world.

You're absolutely right about the weirdness of texting in such close proximity, and I think that might also play a part in why she doesn't text much. She knows I'm just steps away, and with that likely comes a lack of urgency. It's also such a fine line between knowing what's a cute gesture (like showing up at her door with a coffee for her or something) and what's being too clingy. I suppose the right course of action is to wait it out for now, then hopefully the next time we get together I can ask if she'd be okay if I knocked every once in awhile. Thank you for your help!

You're absolutely right about the weirdness of texting in such close proximity, and I think that might also play a part in why she doesn't text much. She knows I'm just steps away, and with that likely comes a lack of urgency. It's also such a fine line between knowing what's a cute gesture (like showing up at her door with a coffee for her or something) and what's being too clingy. I suppose the right course of action is to wait it out for now, then hopefully the next time we get together I can ask if she'd be okay if I knocked every once in awhile. Thank you for your help!

This is a most excellent idea. Please also don't worry too much about this week. Things will come around and next week will come along too. I think you're doing fine.

Hey there,

 

You sound like a pretty smart guy. I am however concerned about your possible anxiety? Have you ever had that checked into? Just asking because I have it as well. I used to take medication for it but am off the medication currently.

 

Just my 2 cents, when someone is trying to set up a time with me to get together and they ask me a question about it (i.e. "What day would work for you?"), I tend to not text back at all until I know the answer, because I'd rather have an answer ready for them. Just throwing it out there that she may be doing the same thing.

 

I think you are doing just fine. Just relax a little and try to keep yourself busy with other things in your life. If you're waiting for an answer for much longer then I don't see much harm in texting her once again, but showing up at her door unannounced would be over the top at this point, imo.

 

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

I appreciate your concern about my mental health. But I assure you I'm not normally this anxious about things. I'll just chalk it up this time to "love makes you crazy sometimes," and try to keep it under control and not to let it interfere in my life any further. Also, your 2 cents are very appreciated, and very possibly the case for why she hasn't responded with concrete plans yet. Thank you!

I think it's ok to feel anxious, many or even most do when we really like someone.

But you need to learn how to manage it, channel it, otherwise she will sense it, no matter how hard you try to hide it or disguise it.

Not good, a turn off in these fragile early stages. It's important to be cognizant of that otherwise you will drive her off.

What I do is go for a run or yoga. Exercise increases endorphins, which will calm you down and lift your mood.

Yoga calms and centers me.

Is there a gym you can go to?

I can recall feeling this way, though I didn't act on it.

I recall one particular guy who had a different communication style then mine and at times I felt like I was left hanging.

I would literally delete his number from my phone so I wouldn't feel tempted. I might have done this 3 times in one week in the early stages of dating of him. Silly, I know. But it worked.

Funny thing is my anxiety lessened because part of the anxiety was wondering why he was silent and the other half was obsessing about what to do about it on my end.

When I took away my options, I found it interesting that my anxiety went way down!

All the anxiety was for nothing because he would call or text and ultimately I recognized my anxiety for what it was - Something I need to work on.

The more independent and detached you are the more desirable you will look to her. You want more what you can't have...well apply that to her...let her wonder what you are up to.

Holy moly OP you need to take a breath! In fact, take multiple breaths. Give her space, and give yourself space, to get to know each other. It's only been two weeks. You need to retain focus on your life... on the things that attracted her to you in the first place... if you want the relationship to be strong and healthy. Be independent, do your own thing, and let things flow naturally.

She knows I'm just steps away, and with that likely comes a lack of urgency.

To put things in perspective... if she were a brain surgeon, and you were the hospital saying she had a patient that required emergency brain surgery, that would be classified as "urgent". Responding to a text of someone you are just getting to know? Not so much.

Do not go knocking on her door. You have known her 14 days.

It doesn't matter if she lives 30 seconds from you. You hardly know her and she's been pacing herself responding. That is your clue that a drop-in would not be welcomed at this stage. I don't think it's weird at all that you two have largely been relying on the phone/messaging to communicate - again, you just met. Living in the same building isn't an invitation to pop by when you want just yet.

Chill. Let her come to you. For all you know, she's been taught to not appear too eager, so she takes her time replying. You will know soon enough if this is just her way of pacing herself or if she's just not as interested as you.

Seems from the later posts he acknowledges his behaviour was a product of overthinking and is ok now.

I guess my mindset is different. I find it rude when I ask a direct question and get no response until the last minute. Sorry...I know it’s very early in the dating stages here, but that doesn’t mean common courtesy shouldn’t be used. You have a life and a schedule...and your time is just as valuable as hers. No matter how into someone you are don’t ever lose sight of yourself and your own value. She’s just a person....period.

So just to update everyone... She DID text me back today in the early afternoon. The last text I sent her was saying that I forgot I had plans tonight, but could we get together after? She replied "That's okay! I have class tonight, but text me when you're free!" So that was a weight off my mind, and more proof that I was freaking out for no reason. It might take awhile, but she's proving that she always gets back to me.

I actually called her instead of texting, around 8:30 pm. I guess I was feeling a little confident and thought actually speaking on the phone might be a nice little nudge forward for her and I. She didn't answer, which wasn't a surprise because I figured she might still be in her night class. I left a quick, lighthearted voicemail, asking her to call me back if she had time to hang out tonight. Since I'm currently on here posting right now and not with her, you can see that I didn't hear from her. (At least not yet, unless she decides to call/text me late at night.) But I'm not freaking out! Yes, I'm a little disappointed since I would much rather spend time with her than not spend time with her, but I have no reason to jump to any negative conclusions. It's very possible that she got done with her class and wasn't in the mood to chill with a boy.

So now I just wait and hope that she hits me up at some point soon. The sucky thing is I have nothing going on this weekend, which means I have a lot of time to fill to take my mind off things if I don't hear from her..

I think you are smothering her. The fact she's not respondig positively shows that. Maybe try to back off a little and let her come to you.

So just to update everyone... She DID text me back today in the early afternoon. The last text I sent her was saying that I forgot I had plans tonight, but could we get together after? She replied "That's okay! I have class tonight, but text me when you're free!" So that was a weight off my mind, and more proof that I was freaking out for no reason. It might take awhile, but she's proving that she always gets back to me.

 

I actually called her instead of texting, around 8:30 pm. I guess I was feeling a little confident and thought actually speaking on the phone might be a nice little nudge forward for her and I. She didn't answer, which wasn't a surprise because I figured she might still be in her night class. I left a quick, lighthearted voicemail, asking her to call me back if she had time to hang out tonight. Since I'm currently on here posting right now and not with her, you can see that I didn't hear from her. (At least not yet, unless she decides to call/text me late at night.) But I'm not freaking out! Yes, I'm a little disappointed since I would much rather spend time with her than not spend time with her, but I have no reason to jump to any negative conclusions. It's very possible that she got done with her class and wasn't in the mood to chill with a boy.

 

So now I just wait and hope that she hits me up at some point soon. The sucky thing is I have nothing going on this weekend, which means I have a lot of time to fill to take my mind off things if I don't hear from her..

Good! And your thoughts are a bit more balanced than earlier. Even if she is not into you, just realize always that it's better for someone to have shown you their true colours earlier rather than later and don't ever feel bad for moving on.

Having said that, yes, I'd say let it go for now. You did your part. If she takes an extra long time getting back to you even with phone calls, this person isn't traveling on your wavelength. Don't bother putting up with nonsense like this so early on. Get a feel of the vibe and give it two more weeks. If communicating with her feels like you're sending out messages to outer space hoping to hear back from aliens in the universe, forget it. She's not worth it.

Start making plans for the weekend, OP.

Even if your friends aren't around or otherwise busy, make plans for you. Your posts here suggest your anxiety will go into overdrive if you don't come up with something to keep yourself occupied.

The ball is in her court now. I have a feeling she is cooling off, and if that's true, you will be free to find another woman who is on the same page.

I agree with Morello. Now is the time to back off big time. If she had come through with the plans last night, I'd have said this was in your head. However, repeatedly not responding or reaching out is an indication of her losing interest.

I don't say this to increase your anxiety, though it might. The important thing is to tolerate the distress you may feel, ride it out, and let her reach out to you. It may not work out the way you want, but I'd say contacting her again is going to be a huge turnoff and a no-go at this point. Give her some time to miss you. If you don't get some solid plans in the next week, you'll know she was pulling the slow fade and can officially let the situation go.

So just to update everyone... She DID text me back today in the early afternoon. The last text I sent her was saying that I forgot I had plans tonight, but could we get together after? She replied "That's okay! I have class tonight, but text me when you're free!" So that was a weight off my mind, and more proof that I was freaking out for no reason. It might take awhile, but she's proving that she always gets back to me.

 

I actually called her instead of texting, around 8:30 pm. I guess I was feeling a little confident and thought actually speaking on the phone might be a nice little nudge forward for her and I. She didn't answer, which wasn't a surprise because I figured she might still be in her night class. I left a quick, lighthearted voicemail, asking her to call me back if she had time to hang out tonight. Since I'm currently on here posting right now and not with her, you can see that I didn't hear from her. (At least not yet, unless she decides to call/text me late at night.) But I'm not freaking out! Yes, I'm a little disappointed since I would much rather spend time with her than not spend time with her, but I have no reason to jump to any negative conclusions. It's very possible that she got done with her class and wasn't in the mood to chill with a boy.

 

So now I just wait and hope that she hits me up at some point soon. The sucky thing is I have nothing going on this weekend, which means I have a lot of time to fill to take my mind off things if I don't hear from her..

If I suspect that a man I just met is overly eager, I don't believe it has anything to do with me and it's not necessarily a compliment. After all, he doesnt know me.

The moment you said that is was 'sucky' that you had nothing else going on is why I say this.

At least for me, it suggests that you are hungry for companionship and while there is nothing wrong with that, it's not a good place to come from when looking for a relationship.

While dating I often felt like just because I was breathing and available, I would do. Meaning that my date wasn't necessarily very particular about who I was. It felt as if I was being pursued to merely fill a void in their life.

There was a time I might have done the same thing, with really bad results. Being lonely is miserable but it was my challenge to get right with myself, fill my life with friends and hobbies. Only after I after I accomplished this did I return to dating. My life was full. I didn't put the burden of having someone fill my void and I as much as I wanted a relationship, I didn't need one.

As a result dating was no longer anxiety provoking, It became fun and I made much better choices.