Everything was perfect and he broke up with me out of the blue

My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me out of the blue. Things we're going so well. We had fun every time we were together. The sex was always great. We were supportive of each other. His friends liked me and my friends liked him. We had the same future goals and everything in common . He told me everyday how He thinks i'm beautiful and can't wait to see me again. He brought out such a good side of me. The best side i have ever seen in myself. I was good to him and loved him. I thought he loved me too. I saw myself old with him. Im 30 and have never ever felt that way about anyone.

The only potential "flag" was that in the last week him and I have both been seriously busy and were unable to see each other in that week or even talk on the phone . (we both work shift work and were polar opposite) hes a seriously busy man and I'm a very busy woman, at the best of times. but we always made the effort. I never thought anything of the week apart as he still counted down the days until he could see me next.

There is also a chance he is in the closet gay... Based on a few things he has said while we we're sleeping together, some thing he has said while drunk once , and that emotionally something is pretty off about him. Like he has a secret, or has some thing he's trying to cover, some thing you can't put your finger on. My friends have often wondered if he was bi or gay .

Anyways ...

So it was his birthday this weekend and as soon as i saw him he ignored me.. Even though i hadn't seen him in 7 days. Which he has never EVER done. Ignored my friends. Was so cold to them. Whenever I went to talk to him he was cold as ice. And very drunk. He Broke up with me that night while he was very drunk and said "I always get to a point in a relationship where i hit a crossroad and thats where we are now."

(Its true . he's 34. Never married. No kids. Never lived with anyone. Hes had over 15 girlfriends and ended every single one of them and never ever looked back)

The next day he called and apologized. Said he couldn't believe his behavior and how he could be such an awful man. I yelled at him and told him the damage is done and there's no going back now. And that i cant be with someone like him. He said that makes him so sad. He didn't ask for me back. He didn't retract his statements. He told.me he didn't want to see a future together with me and that he was having doubts about the relationship prior and didn't know how to tell me. He told me I'm too good for him and he can't be the man i deserve. He told me I'm out of his league and he's intimidated by me . he told me he sees i really like him and he didn't feel that way.

I know 8 months isn't long but this pain and confusion im going through is brutal. Im at a loss. Cant sleep Can't eat. I haven't been able to go to work. Im in hysterics constantly. Full panic and non stop crying. I feel totally worthless and lost. I know im a good person . i have a good head on my shoulders. Great family and friends. A great job and a nice home.

I dont understand how someone can leave a relationship out of the blue . without a sign. Give up on something so so good. Gave up on something that was great and could have been amazing .

Where do i go from here ?? If anyone has any advice or just anything to say would be so appreciated. Im really grasping here.

Thank you

Seems a strange one. 15 relationships he's quit on doesn't sound healthy. All I can suggest is get busy and focus on yourself and accept it's over. Pushing for answers or closure doesn't seem to be a viable option here. He seems to be pushing you away so I would stay away.

Hugs Brittany xx

I dont understand how someone can leave a relationship out of the blue . without a sign. Give up on something so so good. Gave up on something that was great and could have been amazing .

Sadly for you it was all out of the blue and great , but for him , he has probably been leading up to this , had it in his head for a couple of weeks or maybe even more . Maybe he is gay , maybe there is a secret , maybe he just can't commit . You can drive yourself mad trying to work out at which point it all went wrong but it will all lead you back to the same place , and that is a place of acceptance and healing for you .

8 months is long enough to have a sincere and devoted attatchment to someone , so I understand why you are so hurt .

Yes the drunken 'leakings' stick out a lot to me as well. Perhaps he is gay and trying to convince himself otherwise. Would explain why he's quit on 15 relationships I suppose.

I'm sorry you are hurting but it will pass in time. Look after yourself and don't contact him

Why do you and your friends think he's gay? Did you think he was gay the entire 8 mos or only now that he broke up?

Unfortunately after 8 mos of dating, the infatuation, thrill and rosy glow is gone and he doesn't want to get too serious. It sounds like in addition to thinking of breaking up for a while he may have met someone else the week he was "busy"..

There is also a chance he is in the closet gay. My friends have often wondered if he was bi or gay .

He Broke up with me that night while he was very drunk and said "I always get to a point in a relationship where i hit a crossroad and thats where we are now." He told.me he didn't want to see a future together with me and that he was having doubts about the relationship prior and didn't know how to tell me.

Well I think the fact that at his age he's ended fifteen relationships and he was always the one ending them is definitely pretty suss. Although I would just like to point out that not everyone wants to get married, have kids, or even be in a serious relationship. I have a male friend who is also 34. He's against marriage and kids, still lives with his Mum, and wants to date multiple people at once. I mean, maybe this guy just doesn't want anything that serious and as soon as a woman gets really attached and wants more, he bails. He may be gay or he may just be a straight guy who doesn't want to settle down. He did also say that he knows you love him and he doesn't feel the same way about you. I think really that's your answer and now you know how he truly feels. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I know how much it hurts, but I don't think this guy is the right guy for you anyway because you're not looking for the same things in a relationship. Maybe try to look at this as a blessing in disguise.

'I know 8 months isn't long but this pain and confusion im going through is brutal. Im at a loss. Cant sleep Can't eat. I haven't been able to go to work. Im in hysterics constantly. Full panic and non stop crying. I feel totally worthless and lost. I know im a good person'

Oh Brittany my love. Am not at liberty to say just how much I understand. 8 months IS long. 1.5 months, two weeks, ten hours. It's all long. Chemical 'sleep', food tastes of cardboard, booze numbs it down for a shot time only for it all to explode and gag you first thing in the morning, pain so bad that it feels physical. Like someone's pulling your insides out and wrapping them around your neck. Tears which won't stop no matter what you do. Brutal IS the right word. Like someone's turned off the light in the whole entire world and all you have is an endless dark void, and you're stuck in the middle of it. The 'what could I have done differently' on the loop in your exhausted brain. 'What did I do wrong'. 'Was it my fault'. 'I'll really NEVER see him ever again?'. 'How am I going to survive this'. 'Do I even want to survive this'.

I don't know how to help you. I just want to give you a hug. You won't believe me but 30 IS very very young. You've still got your very best years ahead of you. One day, hour, minute at a time is all you can do.

If you had asked him when you first started dating about his dating history, you could have predicted your relationship's demise, since he sticks to a pattern. There are gay men who live a false life because they are not comfortable exposing their real selves to family/friends/co-workers who they believe won't accept them. It's not fair to the women who they use as a facade.

He didn't leave out of the blue. He gave you signs, so much so that your friends were commenting about it.

Just know that with no contact, your mourning process will eventually lead to healing. Just expect it will likely last at least 4 months. If your sobbing and hysterics don't dissipate within a week, I'd suggest therapy. You can't lose a job for a guy you dated 8 months, and if it continues, it's beyond the norm to be this distraught when you supposedly have a good support system.

We've all been through upsetting breakups, even knowing the breakup was for the best. I know I was devastated when a guy broke up with me after a year, even though I'd been gradually finding out we were incompatible in a majority of ways and was regularly unhappy with him. We're only human and feel what we feel, but there is a cure-time--if you use it wisely by pampering yourself and spending time with loved ones. Take care.

Cant say the warning signs were not there. If a guy or anyone you date regardless of sex tells you they have had 15,20, 25 dating partners and never lived with one is a huge flag that you are going to be part of that stat at some point.

In my job there are a lot of gay men and the ones that are gay wouldn't be caught dead having sex with a woman, the thought just repulses them. So if he is having sex with you, he is not gay, but more like Bi. Now I cant tell you why he is the type to do the catch and release, but I know he loves the catch and release. Maybe it makes him feel wanted or he hasn't grown up, or he is still arguing with his inner demons if being bi is okay or not, or it could be another reason, but this guy is just not ready to free and open himself to be vulnerable to any woman (or man). I know it sucks, but this guy is not ready for what you have to offer. You are not asking for much, just a committed, loving relationship and he is just not willing to do any of that.

Sorry you are hurting but let this guy go. You don't need him in your life. He is the type of person that you just accept that he is a ship that you passed thru the night.

With all this information you were given, you invested anyways. Not sure why you did but if it were me I would have been running the other way. As heart broke as you are, it's time to release him.

Cant say the warning signs were not there. If a guy or anyone you date regardless of sex tells you they have had 15,20, 25 dating partners and never lived with one is a huge flag that you are going to be part of that stat at some point.

In my job there are a lot of gay men and the ones that are gay wouldn't be caught dead having sex with a woman, the thought just repulses them. So if he is having sex with you, he is not gay, but more like Bi. Now I cant tell you why he is the type to do the catch and release, but I know he loves the catch and release. Maybe it makes him feel wanted or he hasn't grown up, or he is still arguing with his inner demons if being bi is okay or not, or it could be another reason, but this guy is just not ready to free and open himself to be vulnerable to any woman (or man). I know it sucks, but this guy is not ready for what you have to offer. You are not asking for much, just a committed, loving relationship and he is just not willing to do any of that.

Sorry you are hurting but let this guy go. You don't need him in your life. He is the type of person that you just accept that he is a ship that you passed thru the night.

Catch and release is rare but a friend of mine did date a guy that admitted to her that this is how he was. He liked the newness of a relationship, but after a few months, the taps turn off and he's no longer interested. She didn't listen, liked him way too much to get out of there...and sure as s&*^ he dumped her after 3 months. She was always one to date emotionally unavailable guys anyways. A glutton for punishment I say.

Hands down this guy is bi, and is struggling with it.

There is also a chance he is in the closet gay... Based on a few things he has said while we we're sleeping together, some thing he has said while drunk once , and that emotionally something is pretty off about him. Like he has a secret, or has some thing he's trying to cover, some thing you can't put your finger on. My friends have often wondered if he was bi or gay .

Hmm. Can you be more specific? What sorts of things has he said?

Is "closet gay" the new "commitmentphobe" whenever a relationship doesn't work out?

The sex was always great.

There is also a chance he is in the closet gay... Based on a few things he has said while we we're sleeping together.

Whats interetsing to me is that everybody keeps thinking the other person broke up with them "out of the blue and for no reason." That's lie #1 to ourselves.

Nobody breaks up "out of the blue" and for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason (right or wrong, good or bad), and it's probably been festering within them for a while to get to the point of breaking up. This is ALWAYS true! (I mean.. have you or i ever broke up with anybody "out of the blue" with "no reason"? Of course not... so why are we arrogant to believe that everybody that breaks up with us didn't do so also? That's arrogant).

Most likely - there's been an issue (the closet gay would qualify), and it's festered for a while. And it was an issue to THEM (whether it was an issue to you, or you think it's worthy of breaking up over or not - doesn't matter... it was worthy of breaking up over TO HIM!)

So let this one go. Let every break up go. There is always a reason. There is always a debate in the head of the person that did the breaking - whether we realize it or not or if they told us or not. And we cant change it. (If we could, they would just talk to us to try and change it rather than breaking up....)

Did he say that he loved you? Why did you think he was a "closet gay?" The sex would not have been "great" if he is.

Sorry, but it sounds like he met someone new.

Is "closet gay" the new "commitmentphobe" whenever a relationship doesn't work out?

That is what I was thinking. It helps to avoid the truth.

There were a lot of warning signs with this guy: His history.

OP, in the future do not think you will be the exception to the rule. This guy did not have staying power.

Whats interetsing to me is that everybody keeps thinking the other person broke up with them "out of the blue and for no reason." That's lie #1 to ourselves.

Nobody breaks up "out of the blue" and for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason (right or wrong, good or bad), and it's probably been festering within them for a while to get to the point of breaking up. This is ALWAYS true! (I mean.. have you or i ever broke up with anybody "out of the blue" with "no reason"? Of course not... so why are we arrogant to believe that everybody that breaks up with us didn't do so also? That's arrogant).

 

Most likely - there's been an issue (the closet gay would qualify), and it's festered for a while. And it was an issue to THEM (whether it was an issue to you, or you think it's worthy of breaking up over or not - doesn't matter... it was worthy of breaking up over TO HIM!)

 

So let this one go. Let every break up go. There is always a reason. There is always a debate in the head of the person that did the breaking - whether we realize it or not or if they told us or not. And we cant change it. (If we could, they would just talk to us to try and change it rather than breaking up....)

I actually agree with this.

I also find this bit incredibly telling:

The next day he called and apologized. Said he couldn't believe his behavior and how he could be such an awful man. I yelled at him and told him the damage is done and there's no going back now. And that i cant be with someone like him. He said that makes him so sad. He didn't ask for me back.

Im not quite sure what kind of dramatics you were expecting but he attempted to apologize and instead of you hearing him out, you werent obligated but if you also wanted him back it was in your best interest, you threw a fit expecting him to I guess fight for you, except his foot was already out the door so you kinda sort pushed it. So not only did you view yourself an exception to the rule but you expected him to jump through hoops. Completely your prerogative, hey know your worth I always say, but its grandstanding if the second the guy doesnt choose you, you fall apart.

The warning signs were there add to it you pushed him away when that's not how you actually felt. These are lessons to learn, when someone tells you who they are believe them and say what you mean, mean what you say.

One day at a time, you will get through all of this.You deserve someone with both feet in the door, but you have to be a healthy partner too, so please unlearn these habits.