How do I do casual with a guy I slept with?

So I use tinder quite a bit. Last week I matched with a guy who happened to be on tour in my city with a musical. We got chatting and it turned out he was only there a couple more days. We didn’t end up meeting last week but we chatted a lot since (it was a care-free, easy ‘attention’ becuase he wasn’t in my city any more).

The more we chatted the more we had in common. We were both realistic that it couldn’t go anywhere as he’s based in a different city to me. I have no intention of moving there ever and he has no intention of ever leaving. So we established nothing would even start!

He was back on tour in a city about an hour away from me this weekend so he came over on Friday night and we spent the night and following morning/afternooon together. It was fab. We had a great sex, great chats, and early on covered that there could be no future.

I add here that he seems like a very genuine, open guy. I have no problem talking to him etc, we’ve discussed the whole situation at length etc. I feel like I’ve made a friend if nothing else.

My problem is, I’m single and I want to date and meet new people - and obviously I’m wanting someone with the same life goals as me. How do I manage the balance of texting/flirting with this guy which makes me feel good (and why shouldn’t I?! I’ve been through in thr last year and I’m single...why not?!) without getting too invested. I feel like I’m managing it at the moment, is there a way people deal with ‘casual’? I’ve never done it before!

You're not exclusive with anyone so you can date, hookup with whoever you want. Only you can decide if you want hookups or dating for "life goals".

I’m single and I want to date and meet new people - and obviously I’m wanting someone with the same life goals as me.

When I was single, I dealt with casual by not keeping in regular touch with guys I was attracted to but knew there was no future with.

Years ago, after a breakup, I met a guy who was in my area temporarily. He was from another country, but we hit it off and went out a couple times. Then he returned home, as planned. Got on great, plenty of physical chemistry. We kept in contact a bit, and I actually saw him again when I was in his city as part of a pre-arranged vacation to his country (and a couple neighbouring ones) We went out two or three times while I was in town, and it was a lot of fun. When we parted ways and I continued on my travels and eventually went home, we kept in touch casually but I limited it as I knew we would not ever actually date. He didn't appear to be looking for regular contact either, so while we were friendly, we weren't trying to make anything more come of it. I didn't allow myself to become attached by getting caught up in messaging and waiting to hear from him, or by not entertaining other date invitations when they came up.

Gradually, our contact naturally tapered out. Life has a way of grabbing your attention away from things that are non-starters. I met someone I began to date seriously, and I believe this other guy did too. It was fun and a nice distraction from what was a very transitional period of my life, but I kept my wits about me and focused on life around me instead of what would have been a largely messaging-based situation.

It’s a problem you’re creating though Ruby. You have repeated ad nauseam that the two of you will never be together, I swear I wasn’t sure if you were trying to convince us or yourself. Again, this is not an issue unless you make it one, you’re in control here, you are quite clear about what he is offering you and you are quite clear it isn’t enough. An excellent thing to explore within yourself is why you’re even entertaining a man who has different goals than yourself, why would you put yourself in a position where you have to put in work to make sure you don’t get hurt. That’s not how mutual sexual arrangements work, thats how people who want more delude themselves into thinking everything is ok.

Walk away from this.

I agree with MissCanuck.

The only guy I’ve ever truly managed to keep casual was/is someone I don’t keep in regular contact with. We have incredible chemistry and I’m very much attracted to him but frankly, I wouldn’t trust him in a relationship sense. Every once in a while, maybe once a month or two, I’ll get a text from him and we’ll have a day or two of flirting... but then we’ll (purposely) stop.

I can enjoy it for what it is simply because it’s not a regular part of my life. When we’re not talking, I more or less forget about him. It’s like a quiet background noise. It’s nice - when I’m feeling particularly down, to have someone to reach out to who will give me that ego boost (and vice versa for him).

... but don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can make this guy a regular part of your life, a confidante, someone you turn to and ALSO sleep with and that you won’t catch feelings. It gets far too confusing. These things always blow up.

Keep it to what it is. If he’s in town, he can give you a call (or vice versa). But don’t make him a focus in your life. Don’t be in touch regularly - or you’ll never give a guy who IS available a real chance.

It’s like going to the grocery store when you are hungry vs not hungry. If you want to date and give focus and attention to guys who are available to you, you need to be a little hungry. Otherwise, if your focus and needs are getting met, you won’t find other guys appealing. Lol!

If you want to play the field, hookup and enjoy being single, you don't need "the same life goals", because these situations are transient.

I’m single and I want to date and meet new people.

The subtext of this post seems to be that you want to do something—casual—that you don't quite want to do. And that might be a problem, or at least a truth to listen to.

Casual is pretty simple, if not for everyone. You stay in touch, vaguely, not because you're playing some game but because you know it's just vague and not quite in sync with what you want, where you're going. So you make sure to stay on that big path—dating, exploring, seeing what's what. And you stay honest with yourself about your level of attachment, whether you can handle whatever dynamic you two are co-creating, or whether it's pulling you away from exploring what you really want. Like, you don't want to go on a date with an available guy and find yourself thinking about Tour Guy, you know?

Everyone has a different threshold for this. I've had some great casual things over the years, not unlike what you're describing. I've been you, been him, the guy who floats in and out of town—open and genuine, sure, including the fact that I'm not relationship material. I hope I don't sound ice cold, but it's almost like if I know it's casual, if the dynamic is agreed upon based on some combination of discussions and intuition, it just doesn't go further, regardless of the content of the texts, the quality of the person, the heat between the sheets. It kind of comes and goes, tapers off naturally, often when one of the other ends up in something more serious or simply starts having different priorities. And when that happens there's really no hard feelings, because the feelings never quite developed.

You are creating a problem. it sounds like some feelings could develop, which could compromise a relationship with someone else. I would cut it off, as it can never go anywhere.

You are creating a problem. it sounds like some feelings could develop, which could compromise a relationship with someone else. I would cut it off, as it can never go anywhere.

I agree. Also if ultimately you are looking for long term then understand that there are people who won't be comfortable dating you if they learn that you've been having casual sex especially as an ongoing thing. First, it's more of a health risk, and second because there are people who want to be with people who value having sex only in the context of a committed relationship and wouldn't feel comfortable from a relationship perspective with your choice to have a casual sex fling. Certainly if you just like the texting/flirting of course that's fine - it's harmless and if you meet someone who is not comfortable with you having a friend who you flirt with in that way you can deal with it then.

I agree with Holly because I'm sensing that you're already attached/potentially attached. Also so what that you live in different cities -do you really mean that you wouldn't relocate geographically for a person you were going to be with long term and/or marry? Certainly some people have family reasons they can't leave - taking care of aging parents, child custody, etc. I moved for my husband. I knew I'd have to once we started dating seriously. And because of his career I knew I'd have to be geographically flexible during the marriage. Also why did he choose you on tinder knowing his boundaries? Do you specify that you have geographical ties/concerns? If it's just his choice I'd wonder if perhaps there's more to it than geography.

If your end goal is to find someone romantically that wants a serious relationship with you and wants more then a sex buddy, then I suggest you get off of Tinder. In the meantime, I totally agree with Holly and Batya.

I think that you'd be doing your emotional self a favor if you were to just consider this a fling while he was in town and now that he's gone, lose his number.

. I feel like I’ve made a friend if nothing else.

 

My problem is, I’m single and I want to date and meet new people - and obviously I’m wanting someone with the same life goals as me.

I must say I am having a problem with discerning your issue here

Do you want to be in an none exclusive thing, or not?

I must say I am having a problem with discerning your issue here

 

Do you want to be in an none exclusive thing, or not?

I’m honestly getting the impression at its core this is an attempt to back door her way into a relationship.

I’m honestly getting the impression at its core this is an attempt to back door her way into a relationship.

Qapl'ah! . . . . .