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rubys

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  1. Yesterday I met with a guy I’ve been on/off dating for about six months. He’s a doctor and had been dealing with Covid patients, so for the last few months we’d been texting but not much more. (I’ve posted about this before) So we met yesterday morning for a walk. He is finishing his current medical rotation at the end of the month, and starting a new, challenging position in a hospital about an hour away at the beginning of next month. I asked him where he saw dating going for him with all the changes he’s got going on at the moment, and we had a very open and honest chat. He said at the moment he can’t commit to anything more than casual dating because he’s worked so hard to get to this point that he just wants to fully focus on it and knows he couldn’t commit to the type of relationship he’d want if he was properly dating someone at the moment. I really respect his honesty, and in return I let him know that I want to date with the potential that it could progress to something more. He said he won’t know how his new normal will look for another couple of months. We had such a good chat that it then progressed on to lunch and a whole afternoon together. We put the world to rights, discussing everything from how previous relationships we’ve both had have affected us now. For him, he’d been in a relationship a few years ago which had taken over his life and had not ended well and he regrets letting his dreams slide for a while. For me, I’ve been in a bad relationship and so I want to make sure I’m on the same page as someone early on. We discussed how many kids each of us would want, how he’s nervous of what type of dad he’d be. Etc etc. We then went for a long walk, and he spent the whole time hugging me, touching my face and kissing me. It’s as if he felt the pressure had been lifted and he could be open with me. So we left it at that. I sent a follow up text to say I really appreciate him being so honest with me, and that I wish him luck for this new job but I know he’ll be a super success. I really felt yesterday that I showed him the best of me, my dreams, goals and priorities and I’d love to think I’ve left him with some food for thought about what I could offer him as a partner. My goal now is to move on while also keeping that door slightly open to the possibility that once he’s settled in this job, that he’ll think of me and realise that I could offer him a lot of positives. I feel like it’s not every day you open up to someone how we both did to each other yesterday. Is this a good sign that he may return in a few months? Should I even hope for that?
  2. Before lockdown I’d started dating a doctor who then became a Covid doctor. He said he wanted to stay in touch during the pandemic, but couldn’t date. So we did. Last week he contacted me to say he’d got a change of job lined up for August, so we chatted all week, then we met up and I stayed the night at his last weekend. Since then, he’s gone back to maintaining the contact we had during the whole pandemic - one text per day in the evening. I thought after last week we were moving forward so have been a bit disappointed that contact has dropped back down. I don’t want to seem unreasonable as he’s obviously been so stressed with the pandemic, but how do I know when is the best time to ask him if he sees himself dating me properly again soon? I don’t want to push him away by putting pressure on him if he’s overwhelmed, but I also don’t want to be hanging around waiting for someone for months on end if it turns out they never wanted anything more with me in the long run! We have a really great time together in person, and I’d really like to get to know him more, but I can’t keep waiting for someone to find a free evening forever?!
  3. Before lockdown I’d been on a few dates with someone I’d briefly dated a few years ago. We’d bumped in to each other and gone on a few really great dates. Then lockdown started. He’s a frontline healthcare worker so said he wouldn’t be able to date for the foreseeable but that he’d like to stay in touch. So for the whole of lockdown we text every day to start, then few days. It got to the point where there was nothing to say and it felt like a strange routine we’d got in to where it felt rude to not text. So his job contract runs out next month, and last week he said he’d not heard back from the local jobs he’d applied for yet and so was applying further afield just in case. I sent him a nice message back saying that if he was thinking of moving away then I wasn’t sure there was much point in keeping chatting at the mo, that we should wait until he knows what’s happening. He replied saying he totally gets it, that there’s no point if he’s leaving next month, but he’s trying really hard to stay and will let me know as soon as he knows more. I think I did the right thing, because if it is going to work with this guy, I want it to be on a strong foundation, and I didn’t feel like that was the case when he’s been so busy with the pandemic recently. And if I’d hung around texting when he said he could move, I felt like that made me look a bit desperate and would be happy with anything. Should I just leave it with him now to get back in touch? How long do these things usually take?! Could it possibly work the third time round?!
  4. About a month before lockdown began i bumped in to a guy I briefly dated a couple of years ago in the pub and got chatting. It hadn’t worked out before because I was fresh out of a long term relationship and he could sense I wasn’t able to open up to him. After bumping in to each other, I messaged him and asked if he wanted to go for a coffee the following week. We did, and then dinner a couple of weeks later, and then dinner which led to more about a week after that. We were chatting by text every day too. Then lockdown hit, and great timing, he’s a medical professional on the front line. So he said he couldn’t date but that it would be nice to stay in touch. At first we text every day...then every two...and now it’s kind of one or two texts twice a week or so. Chat doesn’t go anywhere other than kinda ‘how’s your week going?’ I feel like I always want to give more than he does and I can’t tell if that’s lack of interest or the situation. I really would like to see if it could go anywhere when lockdown is over, but I’m just not sure how to judge the current situation because the lockdown means it’s just stagnated. Dating is obviously not at the front of his mind at the moment, whereas I’m looking forward to hearing from him and that just means I’m constantly disappointed when he doesn’t reply for a few days! I feel like the contact we’ve been having is so boring that it just feels like it’s become routine. I don’t want to stop texting him, but also, surely he must feel the same? If we’d been dating for a while it’d be different. But it was literally had three dates. Not enough to know someone well enough to know if it will go anywhere or ask them personal questions, but enough to know I would like to see if it goes anywhere after lockdown. Should I just maintain the couple of texts a week? In a normal world, if someone was dropping off I’d just say bye, but I don’t know I can expect more than this when we haven’t seen eachother for nearly ten weeks!
  5. I’m turning 30 in a month’s time and I’m dreading turning 30 single. Most of my 20s I spent with the same guy. A musician who’s career got better and better over the years, which meant more time away from our home, and more time I spent alone. He loved it because he was doing what he loved, but I hated the endless nights I spent alone while he toured all over. We broke up two years ago and I was completely heart broken although I knew it was right. Within a month he was in a relationship with someone he’d met on tour. I gave myself some time to grieve. Moved to my parents’ place for a while before getting back on my feet. Since then I’ve dated quite a bit. I started really liking a guy I met only a few months after my big break up, but after a few months that all ended because he said he wanted to move away (he never did and that hurt!). Last winter I met a guy who was performing on tour in my city and we hit it off. It felt safe because I recognised the lifestyle of what I’d had with my long term ex. I got in really deep with him for a few months only for that to end in the same way as my last relationship - because our lifestyles didn’t work, we wanted different things. He toured for work. I didn’t. I thought we’d be able to leave it on a friendly note, but the last message I had said he was in a relationship and felt it was wrong to text me back. I was really sad about that. It felt like it invalidated all the effort of getting to know eachother, to just write it off. When it ended i was devastated. I think the ‘break up’ with him made me face everything I’d hidden after breaking up with my ex. It all hit at once. I was having daily panic attacks and had to take time off work. I finally met a guy a month or so ago and we’d been on a few dates. I fancied him a lot. I was excited by it - after all the hurt of the precious few years I felt it was my time! But in the last week or so it has flaked away. I told him I was just looking for someone to get to know me with the same enthusiasm I have (ie. at least one date per week after three dates), and he just said it wasn’t him. So I’ve left that one there. I feel so totally exhausted with all these knock backs. I’m a strong person with an incredible friendship group, family and job. I’m so happy in all other aspects of my life, but I just want to meet someone to call my own. I’m so drained by feeling like I’m not good enough for every guy I meet. It feels like every person I meet now is putting me in a vulnerable position where I’m going to get really hurt again. How do people deal with this rejection? I want nothing more than to settle down and have children in the next few years, but I just feel like it’s out of my reach!
  6. I initiated the second date, I’m a confident person and am happy to do this type of thing, but knowing he was away I thought I’d see earlier in the week if he wanted to schedule one in when he got back. He said he’s free next week, so I told him to let me know when, over the weekend. I’m just nervous it’s losing momentum and will fizzle away, which I don’t want at this point, but also don’t want to have to convince someone to go on a third date with me. I’m well aware I’m better than that! I’m just confused with that balance between not interested (which would be why he’s not jumping to arrange a date) and interested (staying in touch after the last date). Conversation can’t really progress when it’s one text a day, and can become stale!
  7. I met a guy on tinder recently that I really liked. We’ve been on two really good dates. Since then he’s been working away for a week so it’s now nearly two weeks since our last date. He said he’s available next week, but hasn’t initiated a date. I told him to let me know this weekend. He’s not been a massive texter since we met, but over the last few days he’s not been in touch much at all, just one text per day at night. I feel like it’s hard because it’s losing momentum, and I can’t get momentum until we meet up again! Two weeks is a long time when you don’t really know someone all that well. Becaus I instantly liked him, I feel like I’ve lost my rationale on how it’s normal to feel after two dates. Should I wait and see if he gets in touch and we go out again? I’m confused as to why he’s texting me every day but not getting things moving! How should I approach it?
  8. So I had a long term relationship with a performer. We were together for a few years. I fancied him like I’ve never fancied anyone before but it wasn’t the right relationship for me becuase he was away more than 75% of the year on tour. I used to get really upset and miss him, but then when I did see him it was electric! My feelings were very strong and I was very excited by his performance lifestyle - the people we’d get to meet, accompanying him on trips to different countries and watching him perform to big crowds. After we broke up I hooked up with a guy who was very similar to my ex - stupid idea but it felt familiar and exciting. An actor on tour in a musical in my city. We have met up a few times in various cities since and had a little fling for a few months. I again really wanted this guy - the sex was amazing, and all the same reasons as my ex, but again, he tours around the country. There’s no stability and no future settling in the city I live and work. Another man who doesn’t want what I want from life. So I’ve now met a guy who is everything I’ve ever wanted. He lives in my city, he wants to spend time with me, we laugh a lot, we have similar backgrounds and want similar futures. I’m not instantly 100% sure he’s the one for me but there are enough feelings there to see what happens. We finally had sex last night after about 6 dates and it was awful. He wasn’t able to get hard. I didn’t know what to do. I was used to the electric passion of the last few guys I’ve been with where the excitement was overwhelming, with the feeling of wanting to rip someone’s clothes off becuase you’ve been away from them for a while - but also that feeling of ‘something you can’t have’ because you know they’re leaving again. Now I’ve woken up this morning very confused. I feel like this guy was so nervous in the bedroom (which he really isn’t in every other aspect of life) that it was a real turn off. He’s very fit and attractive and I just expected him to mirror his personality during sex and for it to be great fun instead of a total flop. Now, the problem is, I’m comparing the sex with the exes and this new guy and it’s making me want to run away from the new guy in a panic. My feelings are all thrown off course now and I’m not sure how I feel! Help!
  9. So I use tinder quite a bit. Last week I matched with a guy who happened to be on tour in my city with a musical. We got chatting and it turned out he was only there a couple more days. We didn’t end up meeting last week but we chatted a lot since (it was a care-free, easy ‘attention’ becuase he wasn’t in my city any more). The more we chatted the more we had in common. We were both realistic that it couldn’t go anywhere as he’s based in a different city to me. I have no intention of moving there ever and he has no intention of ever leaving. So we established nothing would even start! He was back on tour in a city about an hour away from me this weekend so he came over on Friday night and we spent the night and following morning/afternooon together. It was fab. We had a great sex, great chats, and early on covered that there could be no future. I add here that he seems like a very genuine, open guy. I have no problem talking to him etc, we’ve discussed the whole situation at length etc. I feel like I’ve made a friend if nothing else. My problem is, I’m single and I want to date and meet new people - and obviously I’m wanting someone with the same life goals as me. How do I manage the balance of texting/flirting with this guy which makes me feel good (and why shouldn’t I?! I’ve been through in thr last year and I’m single...why not?!) without getting too invested. I feel like I’m managing it at the moment, is there a way people deal with ‘casual’? I’ve never done it before!
  10. I’ve been seeing a guy for around six weeks. At first I was very guarded. I was terrified of getting in to something after being badly hurt before in a previous long term relationship. I knew I was being stand-offish with him, but I couldn’t help it. We went on a date on the weekend and I finally let my guard down. We had what I thought was a perfect night and following morning. We went for breakfast and just enjoyed each other’s company. I had a text a few days later saying he felt things were stagnating and not moving anywhere. We then had a phone call where he said he felt he just couldn’t get to know me and he’s having doubts that it’s right so wanted to end it. To be honest, I’m really upset. I thought it really had potential. I’ve sent him a message today laying my cards on the table saying that I know I was stand off-ish but that I was real me on the weekend now I’ve opened up. I wanted to see where it went. I asked if I could pop over to chat. He’s yet to reply (he will reply, he’s a decent guy) but I’m just driving myself mad. I feel like I’ve ruined it for myself and missed my chance. What do I do?
  11. I met a guy online about 6 weeks ago. We’ve been dating since then. It took me quite a while to decide whether I really wanted to keep dating him or not, but I recently decided I did and that I really like him. We’ve been on around 7 dates, and the last two we’ve slept together. Date number 7 we went out for dinner then he stayed at mine. It was the first time we’d spent the night together, and we got up the next morning and went out for brunch. We chatted. It was lovely, we even had a goodbye kiss when he went home. Since then he’s been quite distant via text. I asked if he wanted to catch up on Sunday and he said he wasn’t very well, so wanted a quiet night, so I’ve asked again about tonight and he’s not responded. I really didn’t get the impression from him that he was an immature- ignorer type man, but now I’m starting to doubt myself and thinking that maybe I got it wrong and he’s trying to back away from me? It’s really annoying because I just let my guard down. I feel like I’m at the point where I’m going to get hurt :-( What should I do? If he says he’s busy tonight, how do I react to show I’m not cool with him not replying to me - and that if that’s what he’s looking for then I’m not the right one - without sounding like a psycho??
  12. I dated a guy at the beginning of this year. It started well but he soon said how his long term goal was to move away from our current city for work. After having a previous long term relationship finish because of the same reason, I decided we should stop what we had there. Soon after, I regretted my decision, and we decided to keep dating but we ended up just yo-yoing for a couple of months. It all eventually finished about two months ago when we met up and he said that he still wanted to move, but that he’d got a promotion in work and was gonna see what happened there. He told me we couldn’t carry on because we wanted different things. Since then, he likes everything I do on social media, he likes my instagrams, retweets my tweets etc. And I admit, I have fallen in to bad habits of texting him every now and again and starting chatting, but I’ve never mentioned feelings or anything like that! But in a recent text he said he was really happy in his job and it was really working for him. He also comes up on my tinder account quite often so he’s definitely actively dating. So when we text it’s quite platonic, but a few nights ago I had a text in the night which just said ‘xxx’. I didn’t reply because I just didn’t know what he wanted from it!! Was it a call for attention from me? Do you think I’m totally wasting my time worrying about someone who is unavailable to me? Should I cut off from him? My theory is that he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, but that soon he will. My irrational fear is that if I lose contact with him by cutting him out then he will forget about me. I’m not sure what to do now because I really like this guy but I don’t want to let myself be messed around by someone who is using me for attention. Will he come back if he wants more?
  13. I came out of a long term relationship last October. We were living together. I was devastated when it ended. In January time I got back on the dating scene, met a man and we started dating. It was great until we discussed our futures and realised that he wanted the same thing as my ex did, to move away from where we currently lived to a big city, something I have never wanted to do, I’ve settled where I am on purpose. Bought a house, close to family etc. We called it off, but then yo-yoed back and forth for a few months in a state of not dating, but hanging out, going out together, talking about our futures. I got to a point where I just said I couldn’t do it anymore. Either he wanted to be with me and we work out or we leave it. He told me his plans hadn’t changed and we left it there. Since then ANYTHING I post on social media gets liked by him, any tweet gets a reply, but he never actually asks how I am or shows interest. It’s like he taps me on the shoulder, says ‘I’m still here’ and runs away. I feel like I’m wanting to forget him but at the same time, keep my options open with him. I know that’s the wrong way to think. But he’s just got a new job locally and when we were ‘dating’ he said he’d stay if he was happy in a job here.
  14. I was in a relationship for three years with a classical musician. I know now that we should have broken up within a few months of getting together because we wanted different things, but we moved in together and made it work for three years. It became very obvious to me that I was trying to convince him to settle in the city we currently were in. My family was there, his were close by, but what I didn’t see at the time was that musicians work differently. They need to ‘chase the dream’ wherever it takes them. I didn’t see that this situation was making me so so anxious and miserable. I thought it was just me, and without him I wouldn’t be able to cope. We eventually broke up because the strain got too much for both of us. About 6 months later I started dated a really nice guy. We had loads in common, but he told me early on that he wanted to move away sometime soon for a job if he could get one too. The alarm bells started ringing and I immediately called things off, then a week or so later felt like I had jumped to conclusions too soon and called them back on again. We have now yo-yoed back and forth for a few months. We met up last weekend and he was really touchy feely and talking about his future etc, he knew exactly how long we hadn’t seen eachother for etc, and in person seems really keen, then when I asked him what we were doing back in this situation again, and he didn’t have an answer and went back to the stock answer of ‘ I still want to move away’. This back and forth has made me feel awful. I feel like I want to have kids soon and I can see that I’m latching on to something that isn’t right because I’m panicking about the future and being lonely. I also think I went through so much anxiety over my ex, that at the moment I don’t know how to not worry about a man. How do I get out of this horrible mindframe? Stop obsessing about this guy, and get to the point where I can see that I’m worth more than he can offer me? (A casual relationship when he’s feeing lonely). I’m upsetting myself by seeing that I’m devaluing myself so much, but my past experiences have made me feel like I’m not worth much to someone because they’ll always choose their career over me.
  15. I started dating a man in January. It was very on and off for a few months, I obviously wanted him more than he wanted me. He told me that he’s applying for jobs all over the place, and I told him I was settled where I am at the moment and happy. I met with him yesterday, a month after we last dated, and he was very touchy feely...he obviously likes me but I think just not enough. We went back to his house in the evening and he got a blanket and snuggled up on the sofa with me. I asked him how we’d got back to this situation again, and he didn’t have an answer. I told him I wanted to be 100% honest...I have strong feelings for him and I can’t yo-yo back and forth because I’m getting hurt. He agreed that it’s stupid to keep doing this if we’re both ending up in this situation. What I really think is happening, is that he doesn’t want to be ‘in a relationship’ with me. He wants to be single, but doesn’t want to tell me that he doesn’t like me enough etc, so is using the ‘nothing has changed...we still want different things’ line. I feel like I’ve spent sooooo long now wondering what’s going on, waiting for his messages, waiting for his attention that I’m totally hooked on it. I’m glad to be out of that situation but I don’t know how to not obsess over what he’s thinking and doing. I’m feeling so anxious at the moment that I just can’t deal with it. I genuinely don’t think he’s meant to play me along, but it’s what he’s done and now I’m stuck in this anxiety. How do I deal with this?
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