Why won't he step up?

We've been hanging out for 3 months now, we're 100% exclusive. All of his actions point to he wants a relationship. But kind of brushes off "the talk" about the relationship.. I'm confused. Help?

Because he likes you enough to be exclusive but not yet to be a social item. Makes sense after only three months. Why won't you slow down?

Because he likes you enough to be exclusive but not yet to be a social item. Makes sense after only three months. Why won't you slow down?

Yeah a good part of me knew I was over thinking the situation.. Also, I think we are sort of a social item.. All of his friends and my friends know we're a "thing" some even call us bf and gf. I think I just get scared because I'm unsure of what he wants.

He may not know what he wants, at least not with you just yet, it's only been three months, as j.man said. Other than he likes you, likes spending time getting to know you and you're exclusive.

Don't let your insecurities lead the way which is what you're doing. And for the love of * STOP trying to "talk" to him about it! All that's doing is annoying him and pushing him away from you, instead of pulling him closer to you.

Why can't you relax and enjoy what you have? What's the rush? You're exclusive, he's introduced you to his friends, he acts like you are a "thing," why not just enjoy and let it take you (both) wherever it's meant to take you? Gradually, naturally and organically?

I will never understand why some women insist on pushing. Again, all that will accomplish is pushing him away, then when he drops her, she accuses him of "using" her, stringing her along, or whatever.

When that wasn't the case at all, it was her pushing and trying to rush things that pushed him away.

Relax and enjoy! It sounds good so far in my opinion.

Leave him alone; he will get "there" eventually.

He may not know what he wants, at least not with you just yet, it's only been three months, as j.man said.

 

Don't let your insecurities lead the way which is what you're doing. And for the love of * STOP trying to "talk" to him about it! All that's doing is annoying him and pushing him away from you, instead of pulling him closer to you.

 

Why can't you relax and enjoy what you have? What's the rush? You're exclusive, he's introduced you to his friends, he acts like you are a "thing," why not just enjoy and let it take you (both) wherever it's meant to take you? Gradually, naturally and organically?

 

I will never understand why some women insist on pushing. Again, all that will accomplish is pushing him away, then when he drops them, they accuse him of "using" her or whatever.

 

When that wasn't the case at all, it was her pushing and trying to rush things that pushed him away.

 

Relax and enjoy! It sounds good so far in my opinion.

 

Leave him alone; he will get "there" eventually.

What does "hanging out" mean? Dates? Or do you just stay at your place or his and have sex and maybe some TV?

What does "hanging out" mean? Dates? Or do you just stay at your place or his and have sex and maybe some TV?

Agree with katrina, per usual.

Three months is...only three months. It's the very exciting time, and part of that excitement is because you don't quite know where it's going and frankly don't really know the person you're smitten with. That's just the reality, and a label and/or "talk" doesn't change that at all.

Think of your jitters as just a symptom of excitement--a symptom that you just have to accept for a bit as things take their course and level out as they may.

I generally find that my healthiest relationships barely require "the talk." You hang out, get to know each other, you get comfortable with each other, get to know you're on the same page with similar values and intentions, and one day you kind of look at each other and realize you've made a real thing out of that "thing."

For me--and maybe this is a male thing--I do get kind of thrown by someone constantly needing to know what's up, especially if I'm showing interest, being intentional about things, and so on. It's not some commitment phobia, but a little fear that I'll be seen as a constant source of validation whenever my partner feels a bite of anxiety about life.

Yeah a good part of me knew I was over thinking the situation.. Also, I think we are sort of a social item.. All of his friends and my friends know we're a "thing" some even call us bf and gf. I think I just get scared because I'm unsure of what he wants.

So talk to him, that's the best way to find out. I too think you need to slow down.

It may be early but if a guy you are committed to hanging out with daily/regularly doesn't want to talk with you to reassure you, please keep in mind this may be a sign. I know others caution patience but in my opinion and from my own experience, guys like this tend to be emotionally unavailable, even when you two become an item in the future. Sure he hangs out with you so isn't this enough? to some people yes. to you, no. That's why you are here asking the question.

I always tell people to go with their gut in the beginning when you are dating someone... easier to leave the relationship feeling like you didn't waste your time and open yourselves to other opportunities.

It may be early but if a guy you are committed to hanging out with daily/regularly doesn't want to talk with you to reassure you, please keep in mind this may be a sign. I know others caution patience but in my opinion and from my own experience, guys like this tend to be emotionally unavailable, even when you two become an item in the future. Sure he hangs out with you so isn't this enough? to some people yes. to you, no. That's why you are here asking the question.

 

I always tell people to go with their gut in the beginning when you are dating someone... easier to leave the relationship feeling like you didn't waste your time and open yourselves to other opportunities.

Totally valid point.

At the end of the day, we go with the speed that works for us, and maybe there is a level of assurance that OP needs that this guy can't give--not after 3 months, maybe not ever. And maybe that's because this guy has a foot out the door or maybe because she's got a slightly insecure attachment style and wants him to soothe that little itch of fear.

Thing is, from what I've observed (personally, with friends) it's generally the relationships where people are going all in after three months that tend to burn out the fastest.

One person's definition of emotionally unavailable, I guess, can be another's of emotionally responsible. Ultimately you want to be with someone who carries around the same dictionary as you do,

He wants to date.🙂 What do you want? If it's exclusive dating make that clear. Stop the silly labeling "thing", "item" etc.

At 12 weeks it's either exclusive dating or casual sex. There is no crystal ball. You both have to get to know each other.

I'm unsure of what he wants.

It may be early but if a guy you are committed to hanging out with daily/regularly doesn't want to talk with you to reassure you, please keep in mind this may be a sign. I know others caution patience but in my opinion and from my own experience, guys like this tend to be emotionally unavailable, even when you two become an item in the future. Sure he hangs out with you so isn't this enough? to some people yes. to you, no. That's why you are here asking the question.

 

I always tell people to go with their gut in the beginning when you are dating someone... easier to leave the relationship feeling like you didn't waste your time and open yourselves to other opportunities.

I wouldn't assume he is emotionally unavailable in the least. They just might want different things. I know that when a man asked me to be exclusive or to be in a relationship and it was too early/soon for me but I saw potential I would tell the person that I was not quite there yet but was really into him and wanted something long term. If I wanted something exclusive and it had been three months I would stop seeing the person every day. I wouldn't have been having sex in the first place and that's a tough bell to unring because it looks kind of foolish to suddenly say "well now I'm withholding sex because you are not ready to be exclusive".

I would ask myself -if he never wanted to be serious with you how long would you stay? Then step up and practice self-care. My sense is that if he is hanging out with you every day and having sex with you then after three months if he's not 100% enthusiastic about being in an exclusive and potentially serious relationship with you he's just not interested in that with you. And he very well might be completely into that with someone else -nothing necessarily flawed about him or you, you two just are not a match that way.

I don't think it has anything at all to do with labels but the meaning behind the labels.

I'm a bit confused. You two are exclusive, have met each other's friends, hang out regularly, go out on dates as time permits and sounds like pretty regularly too.....sooo....what's missing for you OP? At three months, this all sounds very normal and par for the course as far as a developing relationship goes. What more do you want from him at this point? What's making you feel insecure?

Are you looking for him to tell you that he sees a forever after with you? That's too soon for that. You are both still in the very early get to know you stages and you should also be getting to know him and deciding if what he is offering is working for you or not. Don't just fixate on what he wants with you, but pay attention to what is and isn't working for you too.

Oh jeepers --- if you have been dating 12 weeks and you are both "exclusive" - what more relationship "talk" do you want? That's about all the "talk" that happens at this point - you are not dating others. he is not dating others. just remember to actually "date" -- even if its just a quick meet for dessert somewhere or a walk in the park. Don't just Netflix and chill even if he works everyday. The only thing you should focus on is the next date at this point

He wants to date.🙂 What do you want? If it's exclusive dating make that clear.

They are exclusive.

 

We've been hanging out for 3 months now, we're 100% exclusive.

I agree with DancingFool's last post!

They are exclusive.

 

 

 

I agree with Dancing Fool's last post!

I never understood the anxiety about putting a label on it. Does it change the outcome or guarantee you anything? No.

You have all the answers you need at this very early time by watching his actions. He is exclusive to you and I gather you are enjoying each others company and getting to know each other. From where I sit you, you two are right on course.

Relax and have fun. If a by 6 months he said he didn't know what he wanted, then I'd be concerned and would consider leaving the relationship . .whatever it's called.

 

At the end of the day, we go with the speed that works for us, and maybe there is a level of assurance that OP needs that this guy can't give

Yes. She wants reassurance, even if that takes a small effort on his part to have "the talk" along with giving her some level of reassurance that is miniscule but he chooses to brush her off (see original post) when she wants to talk about it. He can't give her what she wants and ask why isn't he stepping up to the plate. & it has nothing to do with dictionary, it's about compatibility. 3 months may seem early to some, but to others when you are actively in this person's life for more than 90 days, I completely understand why OP would want reassurance. What I don't understand is why this guy brushes her off... well I do, but then someone said I shouldn't assume the guy is emotionally unavailable.

Because true he may not be emotionally unavailable person but right now, brushing someone off so you don't have to open yourself up to their emotions and your own emotions and intentions, that is being emotionally unavailable.

If she is ok with all this brushing her off slide, just a tell-tale sign for what the future holds.

Yes. She wants reassurance, even if that takes a small effort on his part to have "the talk" along with giving her some level of reassurance that is miniscule but he chooses to brush her off (see original post) when she wants to talk about it. He can't give her what she wants and ask why isn't he stepping up to the plate. & it has nothing to do with dictionary, it's about compatibility. 3 months may seem early to some, but to others when you are actively in this person's life for more than 90 days, I completely understand why OP would want reassurance. What I don't understand is why this guy brushes her off... well I do, but then someone said I shouldn't assume the guy is emotionally unavailable.

 

Because true he may not be emotionally unavailable person but right now, brushing someone off so you don't have to open yourself up to their emotions and your own emotions and intentions, that is being emotionally unavailable.

 

If she is ok with all this brushing her off slide, just a tell-tale sign for what the future holds.

Yeah, it's tough. Like, maybe he feels like they've already had the talk, as he's agreed to exclusivity and is spending lots of time with her. So more talking seems redundant, analyzing rather than just living. She, meanwhile, has a little itch, a desire for something...more.

To me that can be less about emotional availability than just being on the same frequency, or not.

Speaking only for myself, the topic of motives, intentions, goals for dating are a Day 1 conversation for me. I want to learn whether I'd be investing my time in someone who wants the same things I do. If not, then he may be a fabulous guy, but we're not a good match.

Over time, I'd want to learn where we've come to stand with one another BEFORE having sex. I know myself well enough to recognize that I bond when I'm sexual. So being selective about who I'll bond WITH is important to me, not something I'll swipe aside to have sex first, then ask questions later.

I'm relationship material, and I'm clear about that. So why would I not put that on the table up front to learn whether a potential lover is looking for the same degree of eventual commitment as me? This 'hanging out' stuff is messy kid stuff, and all it does is position you in ambiguity and insecurity. I'd skip that.

If someone won't level with you about where he stands with you, what should that tell you?

I agree with you, catfeeder.

If OP isn't getting the assurance and security she needs at the 90 day mark, she can address that and/or end the relationship. But from the sounds of it that isn't because they're in some ambiguous "hanging out" stage.

They're exclusive, he's introducing her to friends, which strikes me as the steps of someone exploring the potential of a serious, committed relationship with someone. But if she's not feeling it, if she's still uncertain, it may just not be the right match. What stepping up looks like to him, in other words, is not stepping high and fast enough for her.

I agree with you, catfeeder.

 

If OP isn't getting the assurance and security she needs at the 90 day mark, she can address that and/or end the relationship. But from the sounds of it that isn't because they're in some ambiguous "hanging out" stage.

 

They're exclusive, he's introducing her to friends, which strikes me as the steps of someone exploring the potential of a serious, committed relationship with someone. But if she's not feeling it, if she's still uncertain, it may just not be the right match. What stepping up looks like to him, in other words, is not stepping high and fast enough for her.

Sure. If your definition of a partner is someone with whom you can speak freely about your partnership, then anyone who's not willing to do that doesn't meet your own definition.

So what should that tell you?

 

 

But if she's not feeling it, if she's still uncertain, it may just not be the right match.

From reading OP's posts (and what she's even admitted to at least on some level), what she is feeling (needing reassurance, wanting to know 'where they're going') is coming more from a place of fear and insecurity (in general) rather than him possibly not being the right match.

We also don't know how her fears and insecurities seep into their day to day.

We could speculate that her bf is insensitive, "brushing her off" but looking at it from his perspective, it's quite possible (and even likely) her need for reassurance isn't the only way her insecurities are seeping in, and after awhile, a person's needs can become overwhelming and they just get old (and annoying).

And when she approached him "again" to have "the talk," this may have been precisely what he felt, hence his "brush off."

He's giving her ALOT. Exclusive, friends, lots of time spent, he may feel frustrated that apparently this isn't enough, it's only been three months after all, still very early stages.

He very well may be the right match, it's too soon to tell.

But if she keeps on him wanting to define, seeking reassurance when his *actions* reflect he's giving her plenty, she will never have the chance to find out cause he will be gone, out of sheer frustration at not being able to make her happy or giving her "enough."

I agree with this ^^

I have also been in this position with a man. I am dating him exclusively, we are intimate, we are getting to know each other and ultimately we are both looking for something long term and hopeful. At the same time he has met my closest friends and I his. Yet at 3 months he still pushes wanting to know `where this is going?'

I wish I had a crystal ball for these moments and for me to tell him anything other than the fact we are currently taking it day by day at a 3 month mark would be irresponsible.

Most of us have learned the hard way that we don't know the real person at a 12 week mark. I can't reassure or promise him of anything other than what I already have until which time we know each other better.

The man I refer to pushed so much for reassurance that I couldn't give him, that I ended the relationship.

I did everything I could to reassure him that I wanted the same thing he did, I was really enjoying getting to know him and I wasn't seeing anyone else. But it wasn't enough.

 

I wish I had a crystal ball for these moments and for me to tell him anything other than the fact we are currently taking it day by day at a 3 month mark would be irresponsible.

reinvent, I too think it would be irresponsible, yet, from reading these forums, many people do expect their partner to provide this sort of reassurance at the 3 month mark, and when they don't, they deem that person either emotionally unavailable, not wanting the same things, not a good match and end it.

Which is really a shame imo because, as you stated, someone may ultimately want the same things and be a great match, but at three months is no where near ready to know "where it's going" or what they ultimately want with that particular person; that sort of "knowing" takes lots of time spent with that person, having different experiences together, learning what they're about and getting to know on a deeper level, which for many of us, takes longer than three months.

Granted there are some couples who do know this early on, but generally speaking to expect your partner to be at "that place" at such an early stage is simply unrealistic.

JMO. :)